Hi Lou, thanks for your post on my thread - really gave me a boost this morning - especially as I had just read all of your threads. Wow - it has been quite a journey for you. I think what is happening isn't H's issue as such. He is progressing through the crisis just as you would think he will. He is giving positive messages and then retreating a little only to come back a little stronger and so on.
I think the problem comes at our end when our expectations get raised. He said he would contact me on Y and he didn't. I want more signs from him and so on. It's maybe good to remember that when he isn't in touch, he is most likely processing - and processing is good!
You know already that reconnection is never likely to be a fanfare and firewors thing - because most MLCers have become pretty broken by recent events and remain in some turmoil. They only have so much to give and only sometimes too.
So, for the other times it is really important to remember that you are your own woman with your own plans. Also remember that he feels the biggest thing you did (or didn't do..) was leave him be when he really needed it. I'm sure there will be times when he really needs that still.
Anyway, I think you are doing well and I'm sure you will come up with some nice plans to improve your bleuugh day. Thanks for being an inspiration to me on the forum and take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So today was our 24th Wed Anni, not a word from h. Honestly I am disappointed and feel let down. It would have been the perfect opportunity for h to show sincerity in his words from over the past few weeks.
It has given me the 2x4 I needed to remind me that he has a looooooooong way still to go and now I am asking myself if this is what I want. The non committal, the feeling of being ignored - is this really it, am I going to have to put up with all this to get a guy back who quite frankly caused me intense pain and let me down on all levels.
Do I have to give up the thought of romance and being pursued, is that part of the deal? Because if it is then this whole reconnection thing just su&ks. Why do we get to be the ones who experience the pain of being left and then when they do finally start to come back around we are the ones who have to guide them back home again. Is all this really worth it, do you actually get a stronger more fulfilling relationship or do you spend years trying to figure all this out and treading on eggshells in case you upset them and they run again?
I know I have become too emotionally involved and I need to detach myself from him to get through the next few months, he is quite clearly all over the place himself, not able to fully function with clear decisive thoughts and actions yet. I did not contact him today and resisted temptation to send a snarky text this evening. I have decided to give him until Wed to contact me re visiting dates and then I am going to make other plans for my holiday.
I am sorry your H was not more sensitive to your anniversary. I can certainly understand your sadness and mixed feelings.
Everything you've posted - all those thoughts and questions about reconciliation are truly legislate. I always considered myself such a positive person but it seems like MLC has put boulders in your path and the road is so long.
I guess that's why the dbusting books promote detachment and zero expectations so forcefully. The only way you have a chance to rebuild is to start from a place of not caring either way. It is ironic but you have to be deprogrammed from your old marriage to have a prayer of beginning a new one.
I guess that is why GAL takes center stage. I see it all for what it is in the case of MLC - save yourself and then deal with your spouse if they ever deal with themselves.
This is a long process my friend. This is going to sound cruel but try not to care. I know it flies in the face of all that you are but your H is not stable enough right now. I don't think he is being intentionally cruel but I do think he finds comfort in knowing you are waiting in the wings.
Your H's willingness to have these tough talks and his work with a therapist are wonderful. He seems to truly want purposeful change in his life and to preserve his relationship with his family. These are monumental steps but it may take quite a while before you know exactly how this will play out in terms of your marriage.
Lou you are my heroine. You are the kind of woman who grabs that silver lining in any situation. Be true to that and true to yourself right now. It's okay to delve into these questions about the future as long as they don't stop you from being fully present in this moment in your life. You deserve to take center stage right now!
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Lou, I'm so sorry that he didn't contact you. The contact that you've been having w/him set you up for disappointment. He's still in crisis and per him, working on his issues.
He's got a long way to go and I think he's actually scared to be on his own. I know, it's funny because he's a grown man, but MLCers can be by themselves for very long. So, when he broke up w/the ow, he was already thinking about the two of you working your way back to each other. He needs to be on his own for a while and figure things out. He's looking to you to rescue him. He's got to grow up.
Lou, you are a wonderful person who is an inspiration to many here...please do not allow his behavior to get to you. Yes, it was a disappointment, but it was a reminder that all is not well w/him yet and he's got a ways to go. Dial down your expectations and if you don't hear from him by Wednesday, then make other plans and enjoy yourself. It's his loss.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lou, I'm sorry to hear that and I can understand all that you are saying. I also ask that question....is it truly worth it???
I can understand your disappointment, given his recent contact. And I can also understand that you feel some contact on your anniversary was 'the least he could do.'
Arghh - I have nothing else much to offer - other than good thoughts and best wishes. You did well not to send a snarky note to him. And it sounds like a good idea to make your own plans for your time off.
The long and rocky road warnings are truly there for a reason. But we all get to decide ultimately what we do. My feeling FWIW is that there have been some glimmers of hope from your H recently. But if he can't manage this, he is still pretty foggy I suspect.
Anyway, take care of yourself. Make some lovely plans and leave H be for now xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am having a bad case of Anniversaryitis I feel !!
Gwen - you made so much sense and yes I should "not care" either way, I do know that I will be fine either way, but that is not the same as caring. I know I need to refocus and get detaching myself again, I stupidly allowed myself to get caught up in his reappearance and promises, it was easy to do and I chastise myself for not being a bit more "standoffish".
job - thank you, you always bring me back to earth. The more that happens the more I see h is finding his way and you are so right, he needs to be on his own to do this. I am not sure how I have managed to get away with all that I have with him so far. As for being an inspiration to many, shucks !
sotto - "Is it truly worth it". Well the answer to that is: I won't know unless I try. Currently I am choosing to try because the "what if" is still strong for me. I can see the possibility, I have talked to it (h). Currently I feel I love my h but I am not IL with him, the things he does and says raise flags but as job points out, he is still very much in crisis so is still processing what is going on in his world, I should make it a habit of reminding myself of this.
4 shifts and I am on holiday for 9 days. I feel a beach calling me, the weather here is still changeable but the sun is out more and more so I want to make the most of being outdoors while I have the opportunity. I am glad I did not contact h yesterday, it would have been a huge mistake on my part. I must allow him to make steps forward on his own.
Hey Lou, maybe H is so overwhelmed with trying to figure out his potential visit with you, that he completely forgot about the anniversary. Just a thought... You are doing great! Keep moving forward.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Yeah, well the mystery has been solved. Received an email today from h - seems like it took him everything he had to write it and was so nervous about sending it he forgot to sign off so it looked un-finished !
He had a session with c on friday and the current sitch with him and me came up, mainly the conversation we had on thursday (which i really knew i had taken it a bit too far). Anyway, he took the weekend to process and settle his thoughts and then thought it inappropriate to send the email to me on our anniversary.
The email basically was about his feelings stemming from the conversation; that he did not fully realise what he was asking of me and thinks that he is making an already tough situation tougher and he has put me through enough. (at this point I was wondering where this was going)
He continued to say : "I will be open and honest, but I won’t be treated badly. I did not do anything wrong (apart from decisions), I did not cheat or lie. Being told you want to see the results of STI testing for example, is not acceptable. Trust needs to be there from the beginning, I feel I have earned it over our many years together. However if that isn’t how you feel, I accept that and we should discuss what can be done to rebuild it."
That was pretty much it. So I replied : "Trust - big word. I trusted you never to hurt me, I trusted you would not run away but stand and fight for us. So yes an element of trust has been broken and needs rebuilding. As for the STD request, I am sorry it offended you, I know you would not knowingly put me at risk, I apologise.
I know your feelings and thoughts are as valid as mine, that is a given. I also appreciate you being open and honest with all my questions. I feel I have only raised one issue and that was with her - and that was more because I don't want to have to try live up to an amazing women with bedroom antics of a flexible s&x goddess. Call it insecurity, call it what you will, it's something I had to remove from my head and you did that.
I can't say it's going to be easy, but surely it's my choice if I want to pursue this, if I want to compromise and if I want to give this a chance - i have free will"
His reply " I think you have just got my point, I wasn't questioning my want, more so your ability and desire to still be with me. Yes it is entirely your choice as to whether we go ahead, wasn't suggesting otherwise.
I want you to be comfortable, or as close to it as you can get, before we meet. That's all I was meaning to say."
I did reply briefly saying that I would not have suggested meeting up if I thought it was going to be a disaster!
So Bright - you were on the right lines ! Sounds like he needed to get this out there and did not want to send the email yesterday (anniversary) in case I blew the whole thing apart.
This really is tending to a poor wounded soul, he needs reassurance and validation that he is doing ok. Cali, I need to take a leaf from your book as you seem to be the master of this!
So we are back in the game peeps, It's not over yet, we live to fight another day.
Still no plans for my holiday, I did say I would give h until wed didn't I. A beach and a bottle of wine is on the list though, I really need a break.
Work wise - had a bit of a weird moment today, its taken me 5 weeks of proving myself to my merchandisers who display their products and were very negative about my ability to turn the department around, but one of them asked me if they could do something in particular with their display today and they said, it's your department, your call ......um, made me feel so grown up lol. Apart from the horrible anti social hours it's not a bad job really. I get to meet some very colourful characters and we now have the "most bizarre thing I have been asked for" game with the storeroom guys. To date it has to be two teenage lads asking if I sold cream to help them "grow in" their wispy beards ...... how I kept a straight face, bless them.
Ok, well that's all from me tonight. Anniversaritis has passed and we are on to the next page of this chapter.
Hi Lou, I'm glad you are on the mend after your bout of anniversaritis! It's good that H was in touch again and explained how he feels about things. That's progress I think.
When I thought some more about your sitch this week....I think it is important not to let go of the positive signs. He has indicated interest in working on things, which is good. But it is also important to realise that this is at a very early stage and he may not have the resources to give you what you hope for just now.
I really think that your experience this week starkly illustrates the importance of low expectations. You had hoped that he would be in touch on your anniversary and that you guys could plan a meet up. How things played out has been a little different, and you were disappointed. Though it sounds as though a meet up may still be on the cards. But I think it is just a case of dialing back and accepting things as they are just now - not trying to move them forward too quickly. Quick actually isn't great at this stage. Slow and cautious is much better - more sustainable.
I'll keep following and hoping things keep moving in a positive direction for you guys. Hope your week is going well xx
Last edited by Sotto; 09/30/1507:11 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sotto, you are right, I allowed myself to get too close and I got burnt. It's easy said but harder to do in practice.
H text me as I finished work tonight, he wanted to say sorry for not being in touch today and that he wasn't ignoring me, he has been busy buying a car as he has sold his ute - more debts paid down - and helping s21. I replied "thanks for saying hello, I am glad you have found a car" a couple more texts and then we wished each other a goodnight.
Two more days and I am on holiday, I am really looking forward to it. I still have no plan, I am sure something will decide for me - I am a spur of the moment kinda gal.
