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LouR Offline OP
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Thank you job for the pep talk -

After a restless night I feel a bit calmer this morning. I think pushed things along as I needed her gone, I needed it to be over with. So now (hopefully) the path is clear and it's down to h. His shrink has been really helping him see everything more clearly, I know they have gone back through his childhood and our m, challenging him along the way.

The plan is for ow to move out of their house as she can't afford the rent on her own and for him to move back in when she has gone, which will give him time on his own as neither of us are currently in a position to move nearer to the other. Living on different islands has its good and bad points - the good being we have no choice but the take this slowly, the bad being that we have no choice but to take this slowly !!

Time is the key here - we know we have to remove all the elephants so to grow together and not apart again. He is also very conscious of everything he has put me and our c through over the past few years - as in real terms this has been going on for about 5 yrs with a 2yr simmering gap in the middle - the second cycle was far worse and resulted in BD. We/I have a lot to accept and let go of and to an extent, thanks to this site, I have been able to do. He is embarrassed that this has happened to him, regretful of the pain he has caused and now even sees how his actions and decisions throughout our marriage have affected us all.

As for what I want - well to rebuild my relationship with him with better healthier versions of ourselves. We have a connection, it's always been there, enough for me to still be standing for him and him to come to me when he was struggling. 25yrs ago we met as silly teenagers, what did we know. We got married, we had kids, we got put through the wringer with life's trails and tribulations. Bad decisions were made, good decisions were made but we stayed the course - so to give up now .........

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Lou, I think there is some positive development with your H. I agree with you and Job that you need to take it slow. Don’t let the images of ow take over and dominate your thinking. I can only imagine how hard it must be, but you can do it. I think your ability to handle these thoughts about ow will ultimately determine whether you will be successful in rebuilding the R with your H.

Originally Posted By: LouR
As for what I want - well to rebuild my relationship with him with better healthier versions of ourselves. We have a connection, it's always been there, enough for me to still be standing for him and him to come to me when he was struggling. 25yrs ago we met as silly teenagers, what did we know. We got married, we had kids, we got put through the wringer with life's trails and tribulations. Bad decisions were made, good decisions were made but we stayed the course - so to give up now .........
I love this!

I’m glad that he is doing the concealing. I wish my H would do that, it would open a lot of things for him … and help him to heal whatever childhood traumas he has.

Lou, hang in there. You will do fine.


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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Hi there. My first thought was like Job said. Let H live on his own for a while and date each other, take it slow, if you can. It just seems to me that would be the easiest way, if there is a such thing, to take it slow and work through issues while still having that space you both need.

You sound really good. Stay strong and balanced smile


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-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Thanks mleigh and Bright, you are all right, I know it - slowly and let him make the moves ... sometimes it's easy to get caught up in it all.

So talking of moving - h has rented a new place and is moving into it this weekend!

He sent me photos of it on Wed, it's lovely and ironically (I don't know if he did it on purpose) he has picked a new build on an estate just outside the town, it is the same type of house we chose when we were both moving pre bd. It's the only type of house we have not lived in yet ! Eventually the plan was to buy an old villa by the sea .....ah the dream ....

He has had to take on a 12 month lease so that means that should we reconcile then I would be the one moving - he keeps saying to me that this will be on my terms, so I asked that ow does not go anywhere near the house. He replied "she does not know where I am moving to, she never will. I have redirected my post and dealt with all the household bills so they are up to date, then I removed myself from them, so after this weekend I will not have anything to do with her again"

He went on to say he is worried about collecting his stuff, he did not tell her it was happening until last night as he did not want to give her time to heighten the drama more than it already is with her, plus he is concerned what she may do to his stuff. Her c are staying at the house this weekend so he is hoping she will take them out while he is there, he is concerned that she will kick off in front of them, I hope she does not put them through the ordeal. I told him to remain calm and quiet, they do not deserve to be caught up in this.

And back to me, because everything seems to have become about h and his dramas lately. Work is not going well, I am battling against idiots, guys that are there for the paycheck and don't care about anything else, don't think about anyone else or the work that I put in to make my dept run smoothly (which helps them in the long run as they don't have to go near it anymore). My body is on burnout, I have bruises all over me, my knees have two whopping painful ones from kneeling on the floor, my hands are hot and swollen from repetitive motion, its not a good situation. On top of that a couple of the team members are treating me like a 5yr old and I seriously am not being paid enough to do this - I get paid the same as the plebs who chuck chips on the shelves ...literally chuck them ...

So before I walk out the door (which I know I can't do as I need the paycheck) I am going to ask for some time off to reset and recover.

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LouR Offline OP
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I got some time off granted. I have got 10 days off starting next weekend and then another 10 days end of November.

I spoke to h tonight, I told him about my time off and he asked my plans. I told him that I would like us to meet up as the longer we leave it the more limbo I feel. I also said that when he feels ok could we talk about everything I need to so we get everything out in the open (clearing the elephants in the room).

He said we could talk now and that he would be as honest as he can. I asked the questions I really needed to know about, he answered them and even though I knew some of the answers would sting, I knew I had to ask.

We talked about the why and what's changed for him. No profound answers really, but I understood what he was saying. We talked about the biggest issue I have which is ow - basically it was not really a relationship for him, more a physical thing, no emotional connection to her, he was in it for the s%x. He said he does not recall telling me that she made him feel like I never did - as that certainly was not the case, he said he feels she was a rebound from me, that it was the rush of "lust", an ego boost.

We talked about the physical side - I mean really talked about it. He allowed me to ask and as embarrassing and hard it was for him, he answered with detail so I got the picture. He even admitted to thinking about me and "us" on occasion ! He said there was no emotion involved at all and to be honest it was not all that, nothing near to what we had together ...omg lol.

Pretty much sounds like the whole deal was not a wonderful experience but it was a life changing one as she showed him the other side of the fence ...... no I will not be thanking her.

We touched on who we are and what we want from life now. The end result is that we have decided the next step is to meet up, I suggested going to him so I can visit s21, but h suggested I might be more at ease on my own turf so said he would come to see me and can then see s18 at the same time. Then in Nov I can go and see s21 and stay with h.

I did ask him to go have his STD checks and he told me had them done yesterday and will let me know when the results are back. I also said me requesting them does not mean anything, I just want to know they are done.

ow has been in contact a couple of times, he told me what she said, read the email and texts, then his reply to the email, but he said he ignored the texts - the email was about them having some space and then maybe starting again. He replied no.
The texts were just "hi, how are you".

So there we are. He keeps saying we will do this on my terms and at my pace and that he is totally committed to this - we both understand there are no guarantees, as there never is in life.

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Hi Lou, I'm pleased to read about the developments in your sitch. It sounds as though your H is willing to do whatever is needed to repair things. It sounds as though you have come a long way yourself in any case and can navigate the inevitable bends in the road to come. I noticed that your BD was a similar time frame to mine, so that's interesting too.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you guys. Best to proceed for now with low expectations, then everything positive that happens is a pleasant surprise...and you can shrug at anything else too.

Take care and good luck xx


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Lou,
I'm glad you were able to ask some questions and he provided answers. I'm glad he admitted that he didn't connect w/the ow on an emotional level and it was more on the "f@@k buddy" level, and yes, that dear old word "lust" and/or ego boost came into play. I do not think that many of them can actually say that they "love" the other person because they truly don't know what the meaning of the word "love" is all about.

I'm glad you are taking things slowly and I am also glad he's going to come see you first. You'll be able to determine just where he's at when you actually see him. Listen, but also watch the body language.

I do so hope that the words and actions are in sync for you. You have a lot to look forward to...but keep your expectations low and if he's open to more questions, then ask them. Be honest and direct w/him if he asks what you think or where you are at in the situation. He needs to understand that this can't be swept under the rug, i.e., everything has to become transparent.

I will be thinking and praying for you during this meeting up.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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LouR Offline OP
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Thank you sotto and job, the jury is still definitely out for me, I certainly won't be rushing into anything and dealing with any red flags as they arise. H is also wanting this to go slowly so he can experience living life on his own, it something I have done and he hasn't, he needs to build a separate single life so that we can both bring something independant into a new relationship.

The s$x thing still sits with me but only time will tell if it becomes an issue, I suppose the trick is to not allow it to be an issue, that its within my control to forgive and forget - seeing as it sounds like a big let down ....literally ha ha .... it maybe easier for me to feel "better than her".

One interesting thing we did talk about was independance , the importance of being a You, Me, Us, which is something we lost in the past. Also he was worried that now I am independant and I don't feel I "need" a man, that I would not allow him to be a man - he said he wants me to allow him to be the man, open the jars of sauce for me, reach things off the top shelf, change the oil in the car lol. So I laughed and said I may not need a man, but I want a man. Plus I felt the same, I want to be treated like a woman; to be allowed to have pretty things around me (I had 3 males and lost the battle for nice things), I want to be told I look beautiful today- he coughed and said, "you would never accept a compliment before" - so I replied, "well that was the old me, the new me will never tire of being told how gorgeous I am" ..laughing ...

So this is not quite movie stuff - no big grand gestures, no begging for forgiveness and promises of undying love forever. It's all been more subtle and sort of just "happened".

I do know whatever happens that I will be ok. It will be painful if this does not work out, but I am in a stronger place this time. I also know that if its not right for me, then I can say that. For now, I just want to get this first meet over with, not let it to be heavy, just enjoy his company and be relaxed around him, laugh a lot and let him see a glimpse the new Lou.

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Having a bit of a bluh day so going to journal it out.

It is this h sitch. I know the drill; patience, time, slowly, no pushing and zero expectations, however this is excruciatingly frustrating and I know will continue this way for a while yet. When boy likes girl, he pursues her and hopefully if he is a lucky guy he gets the girl. Here we have a admission that the girl is what boy wants yet he does nothing more ....then a call ....then nothing ...then a text ....then nothing. Way to go being made to feel wanted and desired NOT!

(I do know it really has not been "nothing more", he has been good this week, being open and honest with the very personal questions I asked him, knowing it could potentially scare me away. Telling your w details about your s$x life with another women must have been as weird for him to say them as it was for me to hear them !)

H was supposed to call me this weekend to let me know if he is going to come see me while I am off and what dates, but nothing from him. S21 mentioned today that h is swimming and running every night to lose weight and get fit - I wonder if that is why he is delaying seeing me as I have lost weight and got fit while he has put on weight and got a belly, perhaps he wants to look his best to push up his chances of me fancying him again ??!! -

Tomorrow is our 24th Wedding Anniversary, I wonder if he will acknowledge it. Just feel like I want to shake him and say "freaking make a move, anything, just something to give me a sign you are still wanting this, wanting me"

Thanks for listening, rant over :o)

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Lou,
Your h isn't out of crisis yet. He's still got a ways to go and they do poke their heads out periodically then scamper back into the rabbit hole. It's one step forward and two steps back. Whatever you do, do not call him as this is would be considered pursuing. Continue as you have been and allow him to come to you. Yes, he will contact you again very soon.

Also, please keep in mind that when they are in crisis, whether it's at the beginning, middle or close to the end, their memories are shot. They say that they are going to call or do something at a certain time on a certain day and they'll forget. It's the depression that fogs up their brains. They can't always remember what they need to do.

If he calls you, be kind (as I know you will be). Don't expect anything from him right now. Lip service is still in play. Actions always speak louder than words. Keep your expectations dialed down to zero and dig deeper for patience.

Lou, he will call you again very soon. Try to be patient as the reconnection is the most difficult time for the LBS because we want it done yesterday, but it takes a lot of time and patience because it is a very gradual course of action.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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