The book of Lou - Chapter 4

[LouR]

Thanks kml, I did not expect a reply so I appreciate you taking the time to do so.

I totally agree with you - I would not choose my h to date, i am not sure if there is anything about him I like right now. I feel sorry for him I suppose, its the whole "in sickness and in health" kinda thing, I went into this m committed to him and I see that he really is broken. What kind of person does it make me to just walk away from someone reaching out for help - I would do it for anyone, as that is who I am, in this case it just happens to be someone I was/am married to.

Some days I get him, the h I knew, he chats, laughs and jokes around like we used to, then a few days later its total head mush and he can't cope with the world. When I began this journey and it was said that the MLC'er has a really bad time of it, that it is not all fun and fluffy in their world, I did not believe it, I just saw the ow, the going out, the toys and living it up - but it really is true, they are chasing the fantasy that they blew their life apart for and he now has so many issues and problems as a result of it.

As for my sx2, I have never bad mouthed their d to them, if anything I have defended him, I even came back to NZ to keep them both here because i knew one day h would come out of this and to realise that he has lost his kids would have devastated him - as it is he is trying to mend bridges with them, especially s18 who has taken it worse than s21; they both see it as dad has broken their family, they were always so proud to have parents still together and who loved each other - it was a shock to them ....it was a shock to everyone. On top of that mum has had to struggle, to get a job, pay rent and bills and build a life without d, while d lived it up with ow and her kids. He has done himself no favours and I don't think he fully understands the impact it has had on our boys - it does not matter how old your kids are, it affects them.

I hope that the therapy starts to work for him and he can cope with life again - he will be picking up the pieces for many years to come, especially his finances.

[CaliGuy]

When I began this journey and it was said that the MLC'er has a really bad time of it, that it is not all fun and fluffy in their world, I did not believe it, I just saw the ow, the going out, the toys and living it up - but it really is true, they are chasing the fantasy that they blew their life apart for and he now has so many issues and problems as a result of it.

I too did not believe this, I think partly becuase having ones world flipped upside down you can only see/feel the pain as you try to figure out wtf just happened and it felt like my MLCr was oblivious and living up this new lifestyle chasing that fun-rush.

But now as she has started coming out, looking at all the damage that was caused, and all the baggage that follows ... its just a tragic thing for certain and I can see very easily how some never come out of it ... because facing this destruction must be something terrible.

[LouR]

Feeling helpless at atm

Mini life update:

I started my new position last week. I have seen the challenge ahead of me and have started working on achieving a smooth running department. Failure is not an option in my book, so I will find a way. Every part of me aches right now, I have been re arranging the storeroom - but to see it all done was worth it. My supervisor seems happy with my work so far and tells me they definitely picked the right person for the position

Made a few new friends this week which is great. My f/b count is steadily rising

S18 has decided to come home, he is not happy at his dads (does not help that for some strange reason h allowed ow to move back in while she looks for another place - apparently she pointed out her name is on the lease so she has as much right to be there as he does; this just goes to show what a crazy chick she is !!) and says he misses his g/friend, mates and me awwwwww - sweet talker ha ha. He returns to me next weekend and then is moving into a house share with his friends.

H is gutted - that was his words - he had hoped s18 would have stayed long enough for him to get his own place so they could spend time alone .....and true to my non db form, i replied " you would have had him alone if you had not allowed ow back, once again you have put her needs before your son" he replied "agreed, I'm an idiot and a crap father I know. I also know I have been neglecting you recently (I had not heard from him in over a week), I have so many balls to juggle right now that I tend to drop one and it always seems to be yours, I am sorry"

H then talked about the choices both s are making right now. I pointed out that at 18/21 (ages of our sons and the ages we met and got married) he probably made some daft choices too (hoping he would see the amusing side), h replied "nothing as daft as at 43" (his age when he left me)

I replied that I sense an ickle regret creeping in here and he replied " my life is consumed by regrets. Hate it and myself for making so many wrong decsions and the effects they have in other people. I try hard not to but fail spectacularly. I want to grab a tent, the dogs and as much cash as I can and bugger off to the bush, sod the job and the debts, at least I can't mess anything or anyone else up then.

Next day h text me, he asked for my help with a couple of things which for me were not a biggy so I said yes. Later on he text me again saying that he has been knocked back for yet another house (seems having the dogs is a big problem with rentals) and the tent was looking pretty atractive right now I asked him if he had ever thought of moving elsewhere and he replied that he would love to but he needs his wage and he can't find anyone paying the same anywhere else atm and once the debts are down he will look at it again then.

He really does sound so down and I know that I can't and must not help him, that he must figure this all out for himself. I do try and support him as best I can without shoving my opinions on him. I don't mention r, I figure if he ever comes through this depression stage and stops beating himself up and draws the line across the past to begin living a better future then he will either find his way back to me or he won't -

As for me - GAL is getting better, I have started a new project of creating a craft room. I have bought an old cabinet and am renovating it to hold all my craft stuff and am hunting the op shops for an old desk to convert too. I don't want anything modern as I like to recycle the old and unwanted .....know how it feels sometimes !!

I do feel helpless with h, he is so lost and so down right now that its hard to sit back at not help fix him. His world has turned to custard, he is full of such sadness and depths of despair, almost like he is treading water and some days he just can't keep his head above - I have to resist throwing him the lifebelt and let him learn to swim to the liferaft.

Funny - I have gone from feeling sorry and sad for myself, to feeling sorry and sad for h ??!!

[kml]

Send your ex to the mrmoneymustache website, it will give him hope and direction for his finances. Then just let him work it out - you certainly don't want him back if he can't learn to manage his money, just when you are starting to become independent financially yourself!

Good work on the new job! And the kids will know which parent is stable and can be counted on, trust me.

[123Gwen]

Lou - reading OW has ret'd made me angry for you. H is still whirling around. His efforts to talk with you are a positive nut I keep feeling like he is wanting to keep you on a string. Just be careful ok? Focus on you becaus you are amazing.

[LouR]

Thanks kml and Gwen

Kml - thank you for the website - h needs to do this on his own so I will be keeping quiet on this one. I know he has been seeing a budget/debt advisor to help him sort out the mess he has got himself into.

Gwen - s18 has been living with his dad since ow returned to the house, he said its been really awkward, h and ow hardly talk to each other and live very separate lives, s18 wouldn't lie to me, he has been very open with his feelings about ow - both s say she is one crazy chick - h knows that letting her back into the house was a big mistake but at the time he was only 4 days from moving in to his new place which subsequently fell through because the landlord would not agree to h putting up a taller gate to keep the dogs in, by that time she had moved back in and he was stuck with her again - tbh, it just goes to show what a weirdo she is, to want to live in a house with a guy who has dumped you (and yes s18 collaborated h story with that too) Its an all round bizarre scenario !!

As for me, I am living my life, h knows where I am, I have friends, a nice home and a good job, the sun is shining and today I feel blessed and happy

[mleigh4]

"As for me, I am living my life, h knows where I am, I have friends, a nice home and a good job, the sun is shining and today I feel blessed and happy."

I love that Lou. Remember that! In fact, I think I will read that daily

[123Gwen]

Happy you are in a good place Lou.

[LouR]

Today has been one of those "sad" days, they come along and I know it will pass, just have to ride it out.

Today is h birthday, I broke nc to text him birthday wishes. We ended up texting for a bit, he asked how I was doing and how my job was going. I told him I am struggling a bit with the job but I feel that it is self imposed pressure as my bosses seem happy with the dept progress so far. He gave me a bit of a pep talk and advice from a manager's point of view, it helped and his support and confidence in me was nice to hear.

He talked about his latest session with his shrink - I dont ask details, I dont want to know and its his story to tell if he wishes. He did say that the shrink threw up some challenging questions which caused more inward reflection. He sees he has made some poor decisions and seeing them for that is painful.

I asked him to be honest with me if I turn out to be a poor decision, he replied " no, you're not a poor decision, though are involved in mine" - I don't quite know if he meant I helped create his poor decisions or that I am affected because of them - its something I can't ask so will now wonder about.

Something that also got talked about was renting a beach cottage for a few weeks when it's warmer, taking the dogs and having time out from life to reset. I talked as if it was both of us but his thoughts on it were a bit confusing and I am not sure if he meant alone or both of us, I do not like to presume or ask, so its a wait and see if he brings it up again.

We talked about s18 for a bit and then I wished him a lovely rest of his day. He thanked me and said we will speak soon - I also got two xx, it's getting more regular with his signing off now and whilst I should not read anything into it, to me is a nice finish to the texting.

So this is why the sad hit today. I know its time and patience, its so hard sometimes, I am naturally impatient, but I also know the slower we go the more chance we have. Today's sad day has been about knowing that despite all of this, giving us every chance possible, that we may not make it through together.

In other areas of my life : s18 has returned home, he told me the house share has fallen through so wants to remain living with me. I put some rules in place and so far he has been pretty good about sticking to them. Today he got himself a full time job at a takeaway pizza chain and he has talked about going back to college next year to finish his course. So far it seems like his "time out" with dad has made his realise how good he has it with me !!

GAL - lots going on and been to a few friends for drinks. I have started crafting again and am enjoying that. I have really got to start trying to save a little bit of money each week as I have been invited to a few festivals in the summer.

Generally all is going along ok, the ups and downs still happen, the tears occasionally come along too, but I realise that it is still early days in the process, added to the mix is h dipping in and out and the limbo situation with him.

[job]

Lou,
I'm sorry that you are having some sad days. If you didn't have a few every now and then, you wouldn't be human. You've got a lot on your plate and let's face it, you've not had the chance to really mourn the death of your marriage and the relationship that you had w/your h.

I'm glad you opted to wish him a happy birthday. It sounds like he's finally starting to work on his issues and hopefully he can find himself and get his act together once again.

Sounds like your son's recent stay w/his dad has put some "punch" into his thinking. I'm glad he's found a job and is thinking about going back to college. That's a step in the right direction.

So, what type of crafting are you doing?

Please take care of yourself and allow those sad feelings to wash over you and then release them. Each time they come and go, you are getting even more stronger. I hope that some day, you and your h can truly work things out and get back together, i.e, be it as a married couple or just friends. This chapter of your life is still being written, so you'll be the one to decide whether it will be or not be when the time comes.