What an end to last week – I asked for a meeting with my supervisor on Thursday. Cut a long story short – I gave in my verbal notice as courtesy, saying I would be handing it in formally this week.
Within the hour I had received a pay rise, an offer of a new position and agreement to 2 months off to travel as long as I am back before Christmas and commit to the position to February next yr ! My store manager said that I was not being offered it because I handed in my notice, that I had earnt it and he was waiting for the owner to sign off on it, which he did that morning - I just got in first -oops !!
I told h and his reaction was “wowsers! I am not surprised though” I asked his opinion, he replied “ I have caused you enough confusion lately, your on your own with this one”.
So I have spent the past few days going around in circles and decided to take the position but turn down the travel time as I want to go away June/July next year and if I am still with the company I can’t be cheeky and have it again! So I have gone from crappy cleaner to running Health and Beauty dept - with a rumour of me being offered a cadetship to management if I can turn the dept around.
H rang today to talk about s and he asked if I have decided on the job – I said yes, but would really like his thoughts before I tell him –
We talked for a long time on how things stand now, he understands now that he has a long way to go to sort his head out. He needs to settle in himself and build his life independently from me so he does not bring any toxic residue into any other future relationship, to be whole again.
He said that I am still his target and that when he left I was not even on the range so things have definitely changed. I told him my decision – I said it was made because I need to do this for myself, a new challenge for me, more for my c.v, future security financially. I am doing it for him, to allow him space from me to mend and “find” himself. I am doing it for us, to give us the best chance possible, because if there is to be an us, I want it to be for life, no looking over my shoulder, a strong, healthy relationship
H said he liked what I said and that I included the word “us” in it.
Congratulations on the new position. I'm so glad management realized what a great worker they had in their company. You'll turn that department around in no time and make plenty of money for them as well.
I'm also glad that you and your h can talk things over w/o him getting all tense, etc. Continue to keep the communication lines open.
Again, congratulations!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh wow! Running Health and Beauty - that sounds fabulous....you must be so excited & I'm thrilled for you. It sounds like a much deserved success. It's good that interactions with your H are positive too - but taking things slowly. No bad thing.
Sounds like you are on the right track with things, and good luck in your new role.
Toots xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yay Lou! Congratulations on your well earned and much deserved promotion. I have no doubt you will be successful and this is just the beginning of an exciting new page in the book of Lou.
Your H sounds encouraging yet realistic. No expectations they say but yet being able to keep the door open to the possibility is a lovely thing.
Take wonderful care of yourself right now. It is essential you focus on yourself so you can enjoy and savor the limitless possibilities for the book of Lou.
{{{hugs}}}}
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Good for you Lou. I think one of the most important things that will come out of this process for you, is taking control of your own financial future. In the past you trusted your H to do that, and he failed. From here on out, whether you reunite with him or not, the important thing is for YOU to carve out your OWN financial stability.
Thank you so much for your congrats, it means a lot coming from you all, you have chosen to come along for the ride with me and I am humbled by that.
Originally Posted By: kml
I think one of the most important things that will come out of this process for you, is taking control of your own financial future. In the past you trusted your H to do that, and he failed. From here on out, whether you reunite with him or not, the important thing is for YOU to carve out your OWN financial stability.
I totally agree kml, this has been a HUGE lesson for me. I won't ever go back to being dependant on someone else financially again. More so as h has confessed to how much debt he has managed to rack up over the past year - trying to be the person ow wanted, trying to be the person he thought he wanted to be, trying to live the life he thought he wanted. Its scary stuff and I am very conscious that should I decide to start afresh with him if that choice occurs then he take ownership of his debts from this time and I don't have anything to do with them. And to be really honest, since he told me about it, I have withdrawn a bit - unless this spending issue is covered in his therapy I don't want back in to "us", I can't live like that, especially now I am back in control of my own destiny.
Taking this position has really changed my headspace. It has made me settle a bit within myself. Committing to being here for the next 6 months the moving thoughts have ceased; I have just arranged for my belongings to be delivered from storage so my house becomes my home. I see that I can go a lot further job wise, it has given me value, financially stability, structure and future choices for me - suddenly h has not become a focus, he is now just a possible choice.
Thank you for pointing these things out to me - sometimes its easy to get caught up in the moment and not see the bigger picture.
More so as h has confessed to how much debt he has managed to rack up over the past year - trying to be the person ow wanted, trying to be the person he thought he wanted to be, trying to live the life he thought he wanted.
This is just priceless!!!
Lou, I’m so happy or you! I know how it feels to have financial stability. I was out of work for the whole year. I was preparing to lose my house. What a relieve it was when I finally found the job I have now. It changes everything! I can’t even imagine how big of a deal it is for you, for a person who had to rely on H for so long, and now you have your own life. Well, let me take it back… I did have some experience of this, when I relied on my first xh to provide for us and I had no say in where the money was spent. My son was an infant and I was not working. So, I actually do understand the excitement of being able to rely on nobody, but yourself and knowing that you can make it just fine.
Can’t wait for the updates on how the job is going!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thanks Bright and Lois, this is like having my own cheerleading team :o)
Just wanted to get a few things out of my head, just journaling a bit, stuff that I can't talk to friends about as they don't get any of the h stuff, which is understandable because I don't really understand it myself.
So work wise - I have finished my last full crapola cleaning shift and start 2 weeks of training for my new role on Tuesday. The expectations have been set out for me now and are much more than I realised; it's not a problem really, a bit more of a challenge but i like a challenge and work best when working to achieve a goal.
S18 is back visiting his g/friend for a few days, staying with me. Seems h has found a new place and moving in next weekend. s18 asked when he is allowed to come home ?? I had hoped that he would want to remain with his d but the answer to that was " what don't you get, dad is my dad, he always will be, but I wont forgive him breaking up our family and hurting you, he can try as hard as he wants with me, its not gonna happen" - ah, eek! So he is looking to move back Sept/Oct time.
I have not heard from h for a week now, he said to me that Friday is shrink day, Sat and Sun his head is a mush from the session. Wed and Thurs is head mess from building himself up to be open on Fri session, which leaves Mon and Tues - He is really all over the place, one moment is all about getting offended if I don't include "us" in my plans, he keeps asking me if anything has changed with me and my thoughts as he opens up about how life is for him and what is in his head (which to be honest some of it has made me take a step back, I am not a closed person, but some of the stuff that is going on in his head is seriously messed up) The next moment he is asking for space and saying that he still needs to build an individual life and get through enough therapy that he is happy with who he is and that he is never going to hurt anyone in the future .....notice that he did not say me ....
I dont get why he is being so honest and open about such personal stuff with me, we are no longer together so he is not required to tell me anything anymore. He has backtracked a bit on the "us" thing, saying his shrink has told him to walk away from that scenario for now and concentrate on sorting everything else out first - thus him no longer contacting me and keeping me in the dark again.
I really don't like this - its up, down, back, forwards, round and round.
One thing that has come out of this is the realisation that I miss being in a relationship, I miss all that comes with it, the physical and the intimacy, the having someone to share my life with. I never considered anyone else outside of h, its not been an issue until now, but I now think about it a lot more. A couple of my g/friends are in new relationships and I see that and now have a bad case of relationship envy - I am genuinely happy for them both and its lovely to see them so happy and loved up ....but jealous muchly :o(
A new relationship will happen when and if you're ready. You, like your ex, need to be working on YOU rihht now. And your ex, right now, is not someone you would choose to date. Perhaps he will work on himself and transform himself into someone you would want to date.....financially stable, supportive, kind, an equal partner. Perhaps not.
Sometimes it takes some time and distance to realize that a beloved spouse may not have been such a good partner.
I know for me, my current boyfriend treats me much better than my ex ever did. I never knew what I was missing!
As for your son...I've never badmouthed my ex, and I always tried to help them see the role of midlife crisis and concussions in their dad's behavior. But they're entitled to their own opinions, and that has deteriorated over time as he has failed to meet their needs as they struggle to adulthood.
Also all of mine struggle with the anxiety that comes from your perfect world being unexpectedly blown up; they feel the world is an unpredictable unsafe place.
The best thing you can do is what you're doing now; showing them what it looks like to pick yourself up, find success and joy in your life. I know my kids have been positively affected by my example.
I think one of the most important things that will come out of this process for you, is taking control of your own financial future. In the past you trusted your H to do that, and he failed. From here on out, whether you reunite with him or not, the important thing is for YOU to carve out your OWN financial stability.