S18 has gone to live with S21 and H because he was beginning to go off the rails and both H and I felt he could do with some adult males in his life and some tough love.
H has expressed renewed feelings and thoughts about me. Regrets what he did to us and hates the person he has become. He has opened up quite a bit lately and confessed to now seeing a shrink and acknowledging that this is a mlc and he needs serious help. He is scared and unsettled, his word was "overwhelmed" by what he has been doing, who he has become, who he has hurt and by the feelings and thoughts he has. He wants to make sure that what he feels for me is real and not the crisis talking, so we remain friends and he is trying to be a better dad to our sons.
I am trying to work on what is next for me, keeping the focus on me. I have so many options and yet none ? Its a bit of a bluh moment right now. I know something will kick start the movement again.
So welcome to Chapter 4 - I was looking back over chapter 3, I really never expected it to end with H and I talking again - just goes to show that anything can happen so dont give up hope and keep the faith. You never know what is around the corner
Love and peace to everyone, you are my rocks and I am so grateful to each and every one of you. Thank you.
Chapter 4?! The developments re your sitch seem like good ones, in spite of the 'twists, turns & many unknowns'.
re >>I have so many options and yet none ? Its a bit of a bluh moment right now. <<
I think you're right, you can only work on you. You have to be your own constant - b/c even IF things happily worked out with all of our spouses / partners, they will remain 'variables.' mlc proved that. You have to 'do you,' we all do.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
The developments re your sitch seem like good ones, in spite of the 'twists, turns & many unknowns'.
I wish I knew if the developments are good or not, unfortunately it's a case of only time will tell and by then I fear I will not be detached enough and be put through a re run of the pain and rejection. It's not easy to remain in neutral territory, I fear I have crossed the line a few times already.
We fell into ease with each other quickly and he has opened up to me on a level which I did not expect. He lead me along for a bit and then something inside him made him stop, think about who he was doing this to, I am not just another w, I was his long term partner in life, the w he loved, the mother of his c, his best friend and someone he cares for on a deep level. He became honest with me and himself and decided/wanted to get help, as he does not want to continue feeling the way he does, or be the person he has become. He does not want to ever treat me or anyone else they way he has treated ow, he never wants to feel the desire/need to run and explore again, or to cheat which is what he forcibly had to stop himself from doing to ow - he still is adamant he never cheated on me or even considered it.
I take this a good sign, that he is thinking of someone else other than himself and he sees me as being worthy enough and special enough not to drag me along on his crazy ride. But the sad thing is that this may end with us never being an "us" again; that he may discover that what he currently feels for me is not real, its a safety reaction, or that both of us have changed too much, or I cant get past what he has done, said and of course ow - even though she came after he left.
In a way this is harder than not having him in my life, at least I knew where I stood then and got on with my life. I know that is what I should still be doing and treating this like nothing has changed, but lets be honest here, everything did change the moment he picked up the phone .......
I have had a day off today, my first one with nothing to do, no s to distract me, no guests, no organised day out with g/friends. It has been nice, I slept in, had breakfast in bed (crossiants and tea) and then went into town to get some things, plus to have a look at rucksacks - to try and keep focused on my travel goal. I have not spoken or text h nor him to me since Friday, its been a struggle at times to stop myself from just saying "hi, hows your day been" but i have resisted. It has to come from him and I have to reel the conversation back in, keep them short and listen to him - I need a few of Cali's STFU smoothies I think lol. I can't believe that we went months without talking and now I/we don't manage more than a few days.
Hi Lou - a few BRIEF 'insertions' below - take care.
Originally Posted By: LouR
Thank you pbetra [quote=pbetra]The ...
We fell into ease with each other quickly and he has opened up to me on a level which I did not expect. He lead me along for a bit and then something inside him made him stop, think about who he was doing this to, I am not just another w, I was his long term partner in life, the w he loved, the mother of his c, his best friend and someone he cares for on a deep level. He became honest with me and himself and decided/wanted to get help, as he does not want to continue feeling the way he does, or be the person he has become. He does not want to ever treat me or anyone else they way he has treated ow, he never wants to feel the desire/need to run and explore again, or to cheat which is what he forcibly had to stop himself from doing to ow - he still is adamant he never cheated on me or even considered it.
I take this a good sign, that he is thinking of someone else other than himself and he sees me as being worthy enough and special enough not to drag me along on his crazy ride. But the sad thing is that this may end with us never being an "us" again; that he may discover that what he currently feels for me is not real, its a safety reaction, or that both of us have changed too much, or I cant get past what he has done, said and of course ow - even though she came after he left.
In a way this is harder than not having him in my life, at least I knew where I stood then and got on with my life. I know that is what I should still be doing and treating this like nothing has changed, but lets be honest here, everything did change the moment he picked up the phone .......
I see what you're saying (knew where you stood). And yes, everything changed! It's no longer the same. It must be harder - that limbo land feeling we have come to know. Keep doing DO YOU lou - or something to replace the distraction. I have been dealing with the same recently & I have to get busy re an antidote for the nervous energy
I have had a day off today, my first one with nothing to do, no s to distract me, no guests, no organised day out with g/friends. It has been nice, I slept in, had breakfast in bed (crossiants and tea) and then went into town to get some things, plus to have a look at rucksacks - to try and keep focused on my travel goal. I have not spoken or text h nor him to me since Friday, its been a struggle at times to stop myself from just saying "hi, hows your day been" but i have resisted. It has to come from him and I have to reel the conversation back in, keep them short and listen to him - I need a few of Cali's STFU smoothies (many of us do ... ) I think lol.
I can't believe that we went months without talking and now I/we don't manage more than a few days.
Very strange how the mind works - we can 'see the brain', but not the mind within. In the end, we are master & it is slave. The value & challenge is learning how to be an effective master when training / taming 'the shrew' - the mind! (btw If you hear anything let me know!!!)
I know you have plans, so will let you get to it. I do pop in occasionally even when i dont have anything much to post. Hope that the next time I do, your feeling would have evolved to something else. Keep on keeping on - p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
Today I am feeling cross with myself, I got too involved in everything going on with h and the firecracker in me reacted.
H rang to talk about s18 and ask if he had contacted me, I replied that we text the night before and that he spoke of the concert that s21 took him too and that he had spent the day with h on saturday, that they went out on the bike and then for dinner. I also said s told me that h had told him that he was no longer with ow and is moving out as soon as he can find somewhere suitable that takes dogs. S then text that he was coming back to visit g/friend in August and planned to move back Sept time, so the intention to keep him down there is not going to well.
We talked about different ideas on how to proceed, I pretty much said I was out of ideas so am following his lead on this one. And then it happened - h said he was thinking of moving s into his house with him as he feels that both s's are living like slobs and to have respect for the world starts with respecting yourself which he isn't. I said (cant remember actual words) that he should not do that, that his living situation is bizzare and he it could cause more confusion to a boy thats already confused.
H asked what I meant by that - I replied: You are living with an ex, by your own admission she seems to have no intentions of moving out, she has made it clear that she wishes it was not over between you, you have dinner together, you talk about everything now, you are relaxed around each other, you have not told her kids you have split so play happy families when they are staying with you, you take them out to the movies and dinner, you even sleep in her bedroom when they are over. That is truly screwy, I am not comfortable about it so how do you think s18 would be.
H defended himself: That it is 100% over for him, that because he has now detached from her emotionally he just lives with her as a flatmate and friend, that he respects its her decision when to tell her kids and he is ok with going along with her wishes until she feels the time is right. He feels nothing for her, she is nice to talk to now they have relaxed and stopped "trying" and the sleeping in the same bed is just that, fully clothed sleeping. When they do move out then there will be no more contact between them, that she is a nice person but he has no need to remain friendly with her at all. She was a mistake, a relationship he never intended to get in to, but she happened and there is no point making it any worse for her than necessary. I have told you, I am very confused in my head and most likely see things very differently from you right now.
I replied: ok, thats your take on it, we have established that you are messed up in the head, so whats her excuse? She is playing you, I feel she is changing tact to keep you, she has admitted she wishes you were not over. Take it from me, this is not healthy for either of you. I really dont want to be a part of this anymore.
H: You may be right about her, I don't feel you are. I have told you I am really messed up in the head, I walked away from you and our marriage for no good reason, that goes to show you how messed up I am. I cant do this right now, my focus is on s18, getting my relationship with him back on track, it stung me to know that he felt I put him behind ow and her kids and that he may have well just not have a dad anymore, that has really affected me and I need to put this right before its too late. Then I need to work on myself and get myself straight again, then it will be you and us. You need to carry on with your life, if that means you find someone else or decide you no longer want me in your life, then that's my loss, I started this, I messed up, I will have to live with the consequences. Please can we stop talking about this now, I just cant keep doing this.
I know I overstepped the boundary big time, DB went off out the window and down the street, I really let myself down ..sigh ...
I know I really need to back off and stop jumping in, I do have this part of me that is waiting for the text to say that he and ow are trying again despite h being so adamant that his living sitch is purely a convenience for him and nothing more. I suppose that if I look at how I am, my own current situation, I am alone and scared of what is next for me, feeling completely lost and not know what to do to get me out of this hole I am in. H threw me a lifeline, a possibility of having my marriage back, my family back, him back in my life. So so wrong of me to think that way; this is my life now and I really HAVE to get on with it how it is, I seem to have gone backwards ahhhhhgggg !!
Last night I wrote my resignation letter and my termination of lease letter, I have not dated them yet, but feel that perhaps if I just give them in then that would force me to change things. Drastic move but maybe what I have to do to get me moving forwards again.
Lou- sending you all my good wishes but afraid I am not much use otherwise. It is hard to live life as a single when you were a wife and mother for so long. I just feel for you and want you to know you have people supporting you and cheering you on.
I keep a bunch of those motivational sayings to try to motivate me. Sometimes they are just rubbish but in your situation I am reminded of this one saying...
"Don't treat someone as a priority when they are treating you as an option."
H is not happy but is he treating you as the W and mother of his children? Is he caring for you or is he even capable right now?
Hang in there my friend and listen to your inner voice. You are a strong and ethical woman. I put my money on you.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
You seem like an intelligent woma nto me - do you really believe your husband's garbage?
Quote:
H defended himself: That it is 100% over for him, that because he has now detached from her emotionally he just lives with her as a flatmate and friend, that he respects its her decision when to tell her kids and he is ok with going along with her wishes until she feels the time is right. He feels nothing for her, she is nice to talk to now they have relaxed and stopped "trying" and the sleeping in the same bed is just that, fully clothed sleeping. When they do move out then there will be no more contact between them, that she is a nice person but he has no need to remain friendly with her at all. She was a mistake, a relationship he never intended to get in to, but she happened and there is no point making it any worse for her than necessary. I have told you, I am very confused in my head and most likely see things very differently from you right now.
Quote:
I started this, I messed up, I will have to live with the consequences. Please can we stop talking about this now, I just cant keep doing this.
So what is he going to DO about it. These are just crazy words
Thank you Gwen, its always good to hear from you. I value what you have to say always, never think otherwise.
Originally Posted By: 123Gwen
I keep a bunch of those motivational sayings to try to motivate me. Sometimes they are just rubbish but in your situation I am reminded of this one saying...
"Don't treat someone as a priority when they are treating you as an option."
I have loads of those inspirational quotes scrolling around my laptop, I change them often as to how I am feeling. I looked back at the ones I had when h first left, then my angry "I hate all men" stage ha ha, then looking to the future ones. I love em all, but like my music, I cant look at the ones from the beginning anymore, too many memories - I even turn the radio down if a song I used to repeatedly play comes on. As for yours - yep I get it. I am not his priority, nor should I be right now, but I am also not really an option - he is not treating me as a fall back if all goes wrong, he knows that I deserve a man who loves and adores me unconditionally with all his heart and treats me like the rare gem that I am. He cannot be that person right now, he knows that, so is doing everything possible to make himself well again in the hope of becoming that person. I am fully aware that he may change direction, that this unravelling of the confusion he is feeling may indeed change his current thoughts about me, but in that case I can know that I did everything I could, I gave us that chance.
Originally Posted By: 123Gwen
H is not happy but is he treating you as the W and mother of his children? Is he caring for you or is he even capable right now?
He is absolutely treating me as the mother of his children, we are now fully co parenting and he has stepped up with the problems we are facing with s18 right now. We discuss our children regularly - much to our sons annoyance as now they cant play one off against the other lol. As for being his W - I am not his wife, only on paper, we are still separated and there is no plans to reconcile at this point. He cares very much for me and has said as much, he said that we have been together a long time, been through so much and I am the mother of his children, if I need anything I only need ask I know he would do it - I haven't because I dont want to become reliant on him, I need to remain independent.
So things have changed AGAIN.
Got a text from h tonight informing me that s18 was now living with him. I was not happy that he went against my wishes moving s in with ow and their weird living arrangements so text him back saying so but added that I know its him in charge at the moment so I am sure he had good reason.
H text back that he felt he could be better for s18 having him close and that is was only him and s now anyway .....whoa ....did I just read that correctly !!
So I questioned it and he deflected, talked about s again. So I asked if he was avoiding and he said yes, he wants to keep his two lives separate, its easier for him to process them that way. So by this time curiosity has got the better of me -
So I tried a different tack, said I respect what he said, I hope that it was not to do with what I said yesterday and sorry if it was. Then changed the subject back to s
H text me back that yes it was to do with what I said yesterday and he really does not want to talk about it, that he will in the future but not right now. It needs to be this way for him and he is sorry about that.
So I like to think (because I can) that he discovered I was right ...yeah yeah I know, its all hearsay and guessing, but its the fun version, so am going with it.
DING DONG THE OW HAS GONE
I replied that he should not be sorry, I respect his request and I know that his priority is building relationship with sons and working on himself to fix his head and then if he/I still want us then he will be in it 100%, that i did listen to what he said, I occasionally do !!
He replied that he now has that in writing and a few silly texts went back and forth until he said that it was bedtime for him - he signed off Night Night x - something that he used to do.
I was a lot better today at respecting his wishes and privacy and not pushing for answers.
In the GAL department, a couple of throw away comments today made me think, one was "why are you a cleaner, you are so much better than this" and the other was " how is anyone else going to live up to you if you ever leave" - I don't know if those people have any idea what impact those comments would have on me. I told h and he said - that's always been the case, whatever you do, you excel at it - I am starting to get it, slowly its sinking in -
I have not talked to s, only h. H knows that s would tell me so he can't get away with lying about this, plus s would not lie for him, he really does not like what his d has done to me and his family and he absolutely hates her, so I would be very surprised if s has agreed to move in with her.
For H to go against my wishes and move s in with him and her would be a bold step on his part - I feel he is showing s18 that he is his priority, that ow and her family are not. Building bridges.
For h to lie now - yeah possible - but to lie over this, when he can be obviously caught out, I would be surprised.
Keep doing 