Hello, I'm really new here but I have ordered both divorce busting and recovery books and cannot wait to start reading. my question which do I start reading first? thank you I will be in touch soon with my story. thanks all I've enjoyed reading here immensely.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
In april confronted h about ow. He opened up and said he hasnt been happy for awhile. We have lots of stress in our fam sit work etc, I too in hind site have not been happy but didnt want a seperation or divorce but wanted things to be different as well.
We never fight becausec we dont talk. Another realization. We lived 3 months talking about everything and had great sex in that time great conversations and the stress was reduced between us. It got to the point that I was saying he needed to leave in order to figure some things out. I want him home but I want more from our relationship than he is willing to give. He is seeing ow on occassions and talks or txts maybe daily? Hes been out of house 2 1/2 weeks and ive seen him more than she has thank god.. and we are still having great sex.
This is where im confused because im not sure if I should continue this behavior. There was not enough sex and intimacy prior to the bomb but I wanted to do things differently than before. I am trying to give space between us this week as im reading that maybe thats what I should be doing rather than persuing and being available. Its been hard but ive been 3.5 days no contact. I cant wait to get the 2 books db and dr that are on the way. I am reading many success stories and pray we may be able to get back on track.
Thank you everyone for sharing.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/24/1503:24 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Going for dinner with d2 her so and h .. not going to mention r .. just have fun.. gonna look hot.. haha if he makes an advance is it ok to accept at this point?
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Hello anyone have any advice for me ? time is coming soon for me to join my family and unsure what I should do .. trying to stay calm cool and collected I also am not sure what validating means if I should be using that when speaking to H? UGGHH why does this have to be so darn hard.. I feel like I second guess everything I say ..Help
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
It is a tough answer because if he is having sex with the OW and with you then your sleeping with everyone the OW has slept with. Your health is at risk.
It is a tough answer because if he is having sex with the OW and with you then your sleeping with everyone the OW has slept with. Your health is at risk.
Is that OK?
Are you ok with sleeping with someone that is sleeping with someone else. Sorry to say you won't win in a sex-off with an OW.
Well no its not ok if I had my choice.. however ive been sharing him with ow for a while now so I figure whats the difference. My other thought is that I had not been willing to much in the padt one of the issues so im trying to do differently now.. I know he hasnt seen hercin 3 months but that will probably change at some point if their schedules allow. Im confused to say the least.. he may not even ask and then id be hurt. Im putting the cart before the horse at this point. Thank you for your replies.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Well dinner went very well. My H and I rode the hour trip together talked and laughed and it wasnt uncomfortable. He asked a few things about work and I had earlier sent him a message by accident thanking him for an awesome lunch.. well it was meant for someone else and I said oops sorry.. he kidded back and said get your guys straight.. I said id try.. this conversation came up again later that evening he was curious who i had lunch with... I said a coworker and he immediately assumed a guy.. I let him. Never told him the difference. Prior to yesterday I had gone dark no contact for 4 days .. he noticed how well I looked too as he made quite a few comments as well. As difficult as detaching is I think it just may be a good thing. It adds some mystery to me where ive been such an open book all these years. I will see him a bit today as we have a function to attend with our son. Lets see what today brings. Thanks for listening your help is appreciated.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
What are subscriptions and cookies? And when someone reccomends you read a thread or someone elses posts whats the best way to find them? Waiting for my books to arrive I cant wait to read them
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
I am not mad my spouse for having the a. I am not mad that he has seperated to our rental. Im hurt and dissapointed for sure but im not mad at him. Is there something wrong with this ? Should I be angry?. Am I to forgiving this early in the sit? Maybe im protecting him... thoughts? Advice?
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
I am not mad my spouse for having the a. I am not mad that he has seperated to our rental. Im hurt and dissapointed for sure but im not mad at him. Is there something wrong with this ? Should I be angry?. Am I to forgiving this early in the sit? Maybe im protecting him... thoughts? Advice?
Grief comes in 5 stages. More than likely you aren't there yet. It is HEALTHY to feel anger as it will help you to get to the acceptance stage.
My advice is to feel what you feel. Try not to hold back the anger or you won't be able to heal from this fully.
Can someone tell me about the subscriptions and cookies mentioned in previous post . Thank you.
Azzork thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your probably right although I would have thought anger would be at the top of the list. I figure how can I be angry at him for being unhappy? I was unhappy too but wanted changes not s or d .. Well ive got changes now. Haha
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Can someone tell me about the subscriptions and cookies mentioned in previous post . Thank you.
Azzork thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your probably right although I would have thought anger would be at the top of the list. I figure how can I be angry at him for being unhappy? I was unhappy too but wanted changes not s or d .. Well ive got changes now. Haha
If you read about the 5 stages of grief, anger is actually #3. Denial --> bargaining --> anger --> depression --> acceptance
I DONT LIKE NOT HAVING CONTROL! I guess thats an issue I didnt realize I had. Although H hasnt said im controlling I feel I must have been. I also realize how much of a persuer I am , did and continue to do. Thats part of control I dont have because in some ways im still doing it.. a reminder txt here and there.. but the silence is unbearable at times. My books arrive tomorrow . Cant wait to dive in.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Again what are subscriptions? So things are pretty good between H and I. My stress level has evened out some and I am able to go a few days without contact. When we talk I am calmer than before and often am not the last to txt something. We see each other couple times a week and have been able to spend time together with our adult kids doing dinner or having BBQ's. Im hoping he is thinking that he enjoys us all being together and that he would miss those times if we are not together and he chooses Ow. H actually suggeted an overnite together out of state recently but I have to work so date didnt work. I was a little relieved I acted cool about the offer and didnt make a big deal of it because I didnt want him thinking I'm dying for an opportunity do something like that. Even though I really would love to have that much alone time with him. I will not bring it up to him he will need to ask me again if he's interested. I thought that was a nice step forward. Way forward but im not jumping to any conclusions. I was pleased with myself for not going overboard with emotions either way. Time and GAL is really helping me at this point so to all newbies thinking things wont get better they do. I have been living with idea of seperation for 3 months now hes been out of house for 1.. and it is getting easier to deal with. Hang in there and listen to the vets on this site they have lots to offer. Thanks for reading and I value thoughts and opinions expressed.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Am I doing something wrong here.. are my posts not needy enough or challenging enough or too difficult? Am I not asking for advice in the right way... I know I sound childish right now , I own that , but I never seem to get any responses from my posts and im not sure if its what im saying that is the cause? Am I in the right forum? Im about done wasting my time posting my own and considering just viewing others although I would love to feel like I have support from others going through similiar situations. RANT DONE!
I think ive asked this question 4 times now... what are subscriptions anyway???
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Lonelee, I know exactly what you are feeling. When I first came here I thought no one was reading my posts. Patience is hard when we are hurting and scared. I will read up on your situation later. Weekends are slow here because alot of people are busy doing things. I spent alot of time reading through this forum while waiting for responses. If you just give it a chance, this place will change you for the better. Stick with us. You will be OK. I am heading out the door right now, but will check in on you in awhile. Hopefully one of the vets will be here soon. Hang tough! It gets better!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Hi Lonelee, I'm sorry you don't feel you've been receiving much in the way of feedback, and I would really suggest staying with the forum as it is so helpful. Some tips to generate some more traffic on your sitch would be:
Post to others on their threads. It doesn't matter if you are a Newbie. You are a few months in and have something to offer others. Even if it is just your journey so far, or to offer support.
Read up on other threads and get to 'know' what is happening with people. You may want to start following sitches similar to your own - similar age and OP involved....me for instance!!!
Post regularly, and ask questions and opinions about your sitch. Sometimes if you just give an update, others will read, but not respond.
If you'd like to see an example of a poster who has quickly made friends on the site, have a look at Bob's threads on newcomers. His friendly approach and supportive comments have led to lots of traffic on his thread - particularly when he has needed some urgent support.
So, I think it's a case of putting more in to get more out of the forum, and in time you'll be so glad you stuck around and did this. I have a little corps of buddies who joined at a similar time to me - and we tend to post regularly on each other's threads.
As for your sitch, I think it is no bad thing that you weren't available to take up your H's invite. The best you can do is detach as much as you are able right now. Things will likely take a while to play out. Sounds like you are doing well in terms of GAL, which is vital.
Your H is also the right age for a MLC. Have you looked at that part of the forum at all? It's where I post now. Also, maybe have a look at the threads of Elly, Pink, Sunny B, HaWho and Raliced for some lovely ladies, who are doing really well in similar circumstances. Also, are you reading the books??
Lastly, I'm afraid I have no idea about the cookies and subscriptions query. This part of the forum is moderated by Cadet, who is busy GAL at weekends.....doubtless he'll be back in the pilot's seat on Monday and will clarify then.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
This is what I understand subscriptions ard cookies are computer software terms. They are about how logging in and how all websites works. They aren't sitch terms or specific to this website. You will often see pop up messages "accept cookies" if it's a board I trust I say yes as it helps the process of viewing smoother and easier. Pop ups are different they can involve ads and I generally say "no, no, no" to those.
Please be aware this is how I understand it I am sure a computer knowledgeable poster will comment if I haven't got this right. Subscriptions are the messages and terms you agree to when you sign up to a web site, for example to receive emails, messages, to behave according to the board rules etc. they are about you and the things you agree to, often mandatory if you want to use that site or board.
Cookies are different they are about the communication between your computer and the web site, they include logins, tracking your use, the way the site is viewed etc. This is both good and bad, it helps make manageable later visits easier administratively but they remain as files on your computer for next time. If you think you are at risk of being tracked then you may want to clear your login history on your web browser (safari on iPads, macs etc) or internet Explorer etc on a PC. Google clear my browsing history name of browser to discover.
Joe is right, the weekend is slow for posting. You may find until you reach thread 2 or 3 posters won't post as they often want to know you will stay around for awhile.
Settle in, read your DB when it arrives, explore Cadets links and absorb, keep posting. When you get to be an experienced poster look back and see this place, it is your beginning of patience. I am not sure if you are off moderation yet as that slooooooows thing down, although I suspect you are. Toots is right you will find your tribe by posting to others.
Joe is excellent as a support, if he is going to check in on you he will.
Gently
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/02/1501:04 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Sorry that you are here, but there are some great people that you will get to know. Read lots of other post and start engaging on others' threads. That will help people find you and engage with you.
I just got caught up on your situation. I am glad that things are calmer and you are able to control your emotions more. It does get easier, so keep up the great work.
I am in somewhat of a similar position as you, though my H is hiding A. I was not angry at first either, but it will come. Just try to not let yourself obsess over the A as it will take your focus off where you need to be -- working on yourself!! The hardest part of DB for me has been detaching.
As far as your question about being physical with H, why would you want this when he is choosing to be with someone else? Also, think of your health. There us a good chance he us not using protection 100% of the time.
I am not sure what you are referring to with subscriptions. Cookies store website info on to your computer, cell, etc about your search/browsing preferences and can be controlled in the Internet setting section. If you share your device/s that you use for posting with H you may want to clear the cookies out in addition to the search history.
Can you tell us more about why your H is unhappy in your M? What are some behaviors of yours you can start working on to make yourself a better version of yourself? That may help others chime in more.
Last edited by BT13; 08/02/1501:19 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
That's the technical bit as far as I can on computer stuff.
The board, finding others if you go to forum list, chose newcomers and then a list of recent posts comes up for this section of the board. The threads are the top are pinned they include definitions and other essential stuff. Wonka (a super vet) has a validation cheat sheet. I suggest you read it. I will post the link.
There is search too you can select the name from there. If someone has posted to you then you can click on their name next to the post and see all posts for that poster. Some posters have a theme for their posts, for example Toots has Tootling along, I have Plain Vanilla plus a number. Including your name enables others to find you. So for your next Thread you can call it My Story Lonlee 2 or Lonelee Journey 2. Etc. threads close at 100 posts and you can open a new one otherwise your thread locks. I try to create a new thread at about 95 posts as it gives space for link posts. When you get there ask and one of us will help you link the old thread to the new one, that also helps others follow your thread. Locking stops using your posts in quotes and you will find that irritating.
There is a thread in Cadets opening post on this admin type stuff but I know it's confusing so this is to help you along.
Just a question is the OW been seeing your WH since 2008 and what is the background with OW? What connection work, ex wife.
What happened in 2008 exactly at that bomb?
What actions did you and WH take in 2008 to repair your R?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/02/1501:26 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
OK! I am back!! Sunday morning golf with 4 hours of sleep!! Wasn't pretty!! I see you have been given great advice while I was gone. Toots is correct, posting to others helps draw them to your thread. Even just a simple message works. I don't do enough of that myself.
I can see you are paying way to much attention to H in my opinion. I think azzork asked the perfect question, are you OK with your H sleeping with another woman? Being unhappy in your marriage does not make it OK. To me there are steps to take when people are unhappy. Finding out why, counseling, workshops and doing the work. Once you have tried everything and nothing works, than you start looking at separation and divorce. But you DON'T bring another person into it.
Your health is at risk. Are you willing to risk your health? Are you willing to share your husband? Are YOU ok with your situation?
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Hi Lonelee, I'm in a way in the same situation as you. H having an affair for 2 years, saying he wasn't happy. Nor was I, but he refused to communicate. We even went to see MC while his affair was going on ( when we went I didn't even know another woman was on the scene, but now I can see why it couldn't work!).
I'm not an expert but from where I stand why would he come back fully to you when he has sexual intercourse with you and her? So far there is no consequence for his actions! My H knew that if he went back to OW, we'll be done (that's what I thought but my heart says differently), and I knocked him out 4 months ago.
On the other hand, you are putting your health at risk. Get yourself check and stop sleeping with him. He is having the best of both world, why would he change the dynamic?
Oh my goodness thank you everyone!! I didnt see that you all had posted at first because it went to page 3 . I was looking under my post for replies. I feel so much better seeing everyones replies thank you. I do not have time right now to address the questions and concerns but I will.. promise. A few quick things though to give more consideration. No H hasnt been seeing her since 2008. They began talking again about 6 mo ago. She is married as well w/ kids and GC . He wasnt seeing her often before when we were together and maybe seen her once since seperation. He told me yesterday its been 2 months and im pretty positive that is acurate just because I know what hes been upto because ive seen him on weekends and he would need to travel as she is out of town . Thank god. I also told him that if he wanted me to give up on us and move on that he could be honest with me , that I am a much stronger person than before and he said he wasnt ready to make that decision right now. I am content knowing that for now he isnt saying hes completely over me. I have hope. I did tell him he runs a risk of waiting too long that I may not want him back later on. It does depend on what happens in the future.. I will adress more later today .. getting a life tonight so depends on my arrival time back home. Haha... thank you all again.. I really appreciate your time questions and suggetsions even tho I had to throw a fit to get some.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
What are subscriptions and cookies? And when someone reccomends you read a thread or someone elses posts whats the best way to find them?
Cookies = Expiring (deleting) the cookies set in your browser by this board may be useful if you suspect that they are damaged or the board is malfunctioning for you.
Expiring these cookies will do NO harm, but it will log you out of the board. Once you log in and start using the board again, new cookies will be set automatically.
My suggestion is leave them alone.
Subscriptions = I am not sure they are used on this forum, as we use UBB software they are listed by the forum software and maybe other UBB forums have a use for them. Some places have pay area's to access certain information.
Bt13 and others agian thank you.. Bt asked about H unhappiness.. I think there maybe some depression\mlc going on. His job is very stressful he has high profile job and serious responsibility with current job and it has been just over 2 yrs .. so some adjusting still. We never fought .. prided ourselves with that however we also werent communication our needs wishes and wants well at all. Over the last 4 mo of dealing with this that has gooten way better. We had only touched the surfaces but never really got to nitty gritty .. I know for me I held grdges and resent ment. I would express that I wanted to feel like I wanted to have SR with him and that would make him mad. I wasnt saying that what I needed was more loving support.. flirting.. dating and such for the closeness that was missing for me. I didnt realize that for men that was their way of wanting closeness and intimacy .. so we both wanted the same things just not expressing things in the right way. That is something I am working on is better communication and saying how I feel not holding things in. Not that there is a lot of R talking happening currently but if something were to arise I know honesty is best good bad or otherwise. There are other stresses in our lives as well.. we have D23 with a child unmarried with a loser of a boyfriend so we have helped them financially and emotionally.. We have D21 that has a drug addiction... very very stressful... thankfully she is doing well and is in recovery a much improved sit there. Thankfully S20 went off to college.. only financial stress and the loss of having such a great young man around as one of our positives.. I wonder if maybe that was a big loss for my H too as we were very active with all of his sports in hs and then there were none. My mother is elderly and in last year had major stomach surgery broke her hip and needed to be moved from home to NH.. very stressful for me..H not too supportive of my situation. H brother is an addict living with his mother w/ a son following in his footsteps and is not in our lives really . So no brotherly support or friendship. H mom babys the brother and this causes friction. Both B and N have been in the news wth arrests and serious car accidents in last 4 mo my H is chief of police.. So id say weve had our fair share of stressful situations that have definetely added to our current sit. Im not sure how much he believes these have contributed but I think he agrees some. I also know that H has not been motivated in the last year to do hoobies.. exercise or go out much with our friends. Depression /mlc more than likely and I have been reading the threads . I am also reading DR. When I looked at all things combined A , stress level , his unhappiness I had to agree that his leaving prob would be a good thing for him mentally and that I hoped he would be able to enjoy and make good use of his time away.. where ever that leads us. H has no tv or internet only his iphone.. I suggested he write a book. Haha Im sorry for such a long post but felt it necessary to share more per some suggestions above. I havent even got 1/2 way through the other ones. More to come. Thanks all.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Vanilla and others.. you asked about bd1 2008 I guess we didnt really tackle all the issues that were present back then. As he says things got better for a long time and then old habits started sneaking back in. Again the communication piece was a big one. We have been doing a much better job expressing things without being mean or hurtful but from a place of caring understanding and listening. I use my feelings more when I express things now and give examples of what I want or like and ive noticed some changes coming from him in regards to those.
I feel like we are just off track and not completly broken. Maybe just my defense mechanism playing out here but we still care very much.. not just my words. We dont hate one another we still have laughs we are still attracted to one another.. things arent completely miserable and he agrees we just want and need things to be better. We both have said we dont want the same relationship we had. Again I have hope. That is why this is so difficult. I am not miserable (anylonger) I am coping really well and adjusting. I have my bad days of course.
I am learning so much here but question my everymove. I know im not playing completely by the book. I do want things to change and be better. I am trying a modification if you will, of the going dark for days and then usually txt or end up seeing him if able. I guess that is probably the persuer chase game going on because after a few dark days he is eagerly txting back and suggesting we get together. I am having a difficult time working aroubd the 180 in this regard because one of our issues was lack of intimacy for him. Not that I didnt want it I was stubbornly not as willing because my emotional needs were not being met as I expressed before.
Before coming here I made a valliant effort to rekindle and accept advances and made plenty of my own. At that time I figured before we seperated I wanted to make lasting impression and I did. I also figured what do i have to lose at this point he is moving and having A i might as well try everything. He had said just before S that if things had been like the last 2 months earlier in our R we prob wouldnt need to be S. Of course we both know more needed to change than better communication and SR to have a better marriage. This is where one of my 180's comes into play. I have made the efforts to be more aggressive, spontaneous sexy etc.. do I just shut that off now. Of course im also hoping he will no longer want to see OW as well if more or all of his needs are being met with me. Uuuggghhh.. this is so tough... and NO I dont want to share him and NO I dont want deseases.. and YES ive recently been to my Drs..
Thank you everyone for your support ideas and thought provoking questions.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/04/1512:20 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Well thats where im confused as well.. plus hes not the only one getting anything out of it... I enjoy it , im not sad mad or depressed after.
Its comforting knowing hes still attracted and interested.. we typically share alot of conversation and fun during the time spent together.. believe me if it felt wrong I wouldnt be a willing participant.
It may not always feel right going forward but then I would stop and know that I needed to change/stop for me and my reasons.
It's not like he's making me do anything im not willing to do. Im really confused about it..
Last edited by Cadet; 08/04/1512:22 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
I am going to ask a favour of you please for an eyesight challenged lass. I would be grateful for some return paragrahs in your posts. Some space between.
To make it easier on my old eyes
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/04/1501:35 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You are voicing just fine, and what you say is very insightful. I love reading your words
I just need some paragraphs, as the text is very compact if it's all in one block. My eyes strobe if there are too many lines of text close together. You young folk with your great eyesight can read it.
I will take a little of your post, if I may to illustrate.
Originally Posted By: lonelee
Vanilla and others.. you asked about bd1 2008 I guess we didnt really tackle all the issues that were present back then.
As he says things got better for a long time and then old habits started sneaking back in. Again the communication piece was a big one. We have been doing a much better job expressing things without being mean or hurtful but from a place of caring understanding and listening.
I use my feelings more when I express things now and give examples of what I want or like and ive noticed some changes coming from him in regards to those. I feel like we are just off track and not completly broken. Maybe just my defense mechanism playing out here but we still care very much.. not just my words.
We dont hate one another we still have laughs we are still attracted to one another.. things arent completely miserable and he agrees we just want and need things to be better. We both have said we dont want the same relationship we had.
Again I have hope.
That is why this is so difficult. I am not miserable (anylonger) I am coping really well and adjusting. I have my bad days of course.
I am learning so much here but question my everymove. I know im not playing completely by the book. I do want things to change and be better. I am trying a modification if you will, of the going dark for days and then usually txt or end up seeing him if able.
I guess that is probably the persuer chase game going on because after a few dark days he is eagerly txting back and suggesting we get together. I am having a difficult time working aroubd the 180 in this regard because one of our issues was lack of intimacy for him. Not that I didnt want it I was stubbornly not as willing because my emotional needs were not being met as I expressed before.
Before coming here I made a valliant effort to rekindle and accept advances and made plenty of my own. At that time I figured before we seperated I wanted to make lasting impression and I did. I also figured what do i have to lose at this point he is moving and having A i might as well try everything. He had said just before S that if things had been like the last 2 months earlier in our R we prob wouldnt need to be S. Of course we both know more needed to change than better communication and SR to have a better marriage.
This is where one of my 180's comes into play. I have made the efforts to be more aggressive, spontaneous sexy etc.. do I just shut that off now.
Of course im also hoping he will no longer want to see OW as well if more or all of his needs are being met with me. Uuuggghhh.. this is so tough... and NO I dont want to share him and NO I dont want diseases.. and YES ive recently been to my Drs..
Thank you everyone for your support ideas and thought provoking questions.
They are wonderful expressions of you. Thank you for being so honest.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/04/1502:49 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am going to ask a favour of you please for an eyesight challenged lass. I would be grateful for some return paragrahs in your posts. Some space between.
To make it easier on my old eyes
V
Mine too!
You get more responses if someone can read it.
Us OLD posters tend to skip over BIG BLOCKS of type.
I edited a few above although my editing is not as good as Vanilla's.
I am reposting this section as i would like some insight. where i feel it is one of my 180's that i had started before my spouse had moved out. before i even knew it was a 180 or what DB was all about.
I feel like we are just off track and not completly broken. Maybe just my defense mechanism playing out here but we still care very much.. not just my words.
We don't hate one another we still have laughs we are still attracted to one another.. things aren't completely miserable and he agrees we just want and need things to be better. We both have said we don't want the same relationship we had. Again I have hope.
That is why this is so difficult. I am not miserable (any longer) I am coping really well and adjusting. I have my bad days of course.
I am learning so much here but question my every move. I know i'm not playing completely by the book. I do want things to change and be better.
I am trying a modification if you will, of the going dark for days and then usually txt or end up seeing him if able.
I guess that is probably the persuer chase game going on because after a few dark days he is eagerly txting back and suggesting we get together. I am having a difficult time working around the 180 in this regard because one of our issues was lack of intimacy for him.
Not that I didn't want it I was stubbornly not as willing because my emotional needs were not being met as I expressed before.
Before coming here I made a valiant effort to rekindle, accept advances and made plenty of my own.
At that time I figured before we separated I wanted to make a lasting impression and I did. I also figured what do i have to lose at this point he is moving and having A i might as well try everything i can.
He had said just before S that if things had been like the last 2 months earlier in our R we probably wouldn't need to be S.
Of course we both know more needed to change than better communication and SR to have a better marriage.
This is where one of my 180's comes into play. I have made the efforts to be more aggressive, spontaneous sexy etc.. do I just shut that off now?
Of course im also hoping he will no longer want to see OW as well if more or all of his needs are being met with me.
Also as ROUKY asked I too wondered about this
I was wondering about your 180, if you were to "shut off" what you just done, wouldn't it send the message that it was a temporary change?
Uuuggghhh.. this is so tough
NO I don't want to share him NO I don't want diseases YES iv'e recently been to my Drs..
Thank you everyone for your support ideas and thought provoking questions.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Dark is a long term consistent thing, you can not be dark one day and then not another day.
Dark is dark, it is for a long period with no contact or involvement. I have been dark with my WH since 2 May. I cut off all texts, emails and calls. Everything for the last 3 months. I do not deal, his numbers are blocked, his emails are blocked, completely dead ends. That is dark.
WH sent me an email yesterday ordering me to pay a bill of his. Response my me was never.
Now I will D or annul my M. Totally dark. That is the reality and authentic to me.
I want WH as WH gone and since there is no way WH will change. Forever gone.
That is not your sitch, you want to repair your R with your WH and to DB to grow into a W only a fool would leave.
Also my dear one, get tested for STDs they can do much damage to your body, particular to your nervous system. If you read my thread you will know that I did this recently. It is important to look after your health.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/05/1506:03 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Ok so im hearing that im not doing dark quite right and that im spending too much time with my S.
If we are getting along and it makes me feel better to see him I shouldnt do it? If we are having fun and no R talking I shouldnt do it? If we txt every few days and its about nothing much at all I shouldnt do it?
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
I have to admit something here, i have an addiction, to this website!! it is hard to GAL when i find myself drawn here.. i don't eat, i don't do house work and i don't cook anymore. Oh maybe that's because i got fired from being a wife and i no longer have to do those things so maybe I am GAL.. hahaha
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
While you aren't going dark, you are doing what is advised which is not initiating contact. If he initiates, let it sit so you don't replay back right away, then decide whether you want to reply. Friendly, light, and brief. You are leaving him wanting more. If he wants to engage more, you can always be busy w/ plans, so you can't text now.
You also want to be focusing on GAL. If he is mildly interested still, but thinks he can continue on the same path wo/ consequence, he won't change that. Why should he? He's getting what he wants: freedom and the W on the side for his emotional and sexual needs. He may not be actively pursuing the A, but he has had an A & you don't know what else he is up to other than you don't think he is w/ that particular OW.
Drawing boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable to you is important so that you don't feel taken advantage of. Will you still feel the same if he decides to leave for good? What if you find out he is sleeping with others and hasn't been telling you. How will you feel then?
I understand you want to be accommodating and pleasing, thinking this will lure him back. Thinking that you will not stay put and let him continue to play his game and thinking that he might lose you will be what pulls him back.
You've started down that path, I'd just suggest less accommodation, more boundaries, and more GAL as your lure.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Asitis... thank you so much for stating this to me certainly some good advise that i will consider and reconsider and consider some more.
{You also want to be focusing on GAL. If he is mildly interested still, but thinks he can continue on the same path wo/ consequence, he won't change that. }
You are probably right i am not setting good boundaries or dealing him consequences by being too available. I do deserve to demand more respect from him don't I? I hadn't really thought of it in that way. even tho i'm sure it has been said here before.
{Drawing boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable to you is important so that you don't feel taken advantage of. }
{Will you still feel the same if he decides to leave for good? What if you find out he is sleeping with others and hasn't been telling you. How will you feel then?}
Hadn't actually thought of this at all ...i guess i'm still in the denial stage a little bit too?
{I understand you want to be accommodating and pleasing, thinking this will lure him back. Thinking that you will not stay put and let him continue to play his game and thinking that he might lose you will be what pulls him back}
Is this the reality? Is this the DB method? Is this from a mans perspective? Is this tried and true? I am not asking this sarcastically as it may sound that way here, i am honestly asking from where this advice originates?
It does sound like i have some more soul searching to do. thank you thank you ...
i do deserve respect i do deserve more...
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Yes, if you have been too accommodating and doing whatever it takes to keep him, that is a kind of pursuit. It is when they start to feel the consequences of their choices and don't like them that they reconsider. It is also a 180. It tells him, this is not the person I assumed and am not happy with. Gets them looking at you again rather than just projecting who they have come to think of you as onto you.
There are no guarantees and there are no one-sized fits all solutions, it is all based on trying something different from what has been working and then looking for little signs of change.
In some ways figuring out what those little baby-step signs are in your case. What would indicate to you that what you were trying was working? This is not that he comes back and commits to work on the M, as that is the end goal. What would be the first small signs, if repeated, that things are starting to move in the right direction?
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
IMO ... (disclaimer coming) and I'm new here and have been honest and upfront that i'm not always doing exactly text book DB but i'm trying what portions i think pertain to my situation and trying tid bits here and there. Read my posts and you will see i have talked about "Making Coffee" or having SR with my spouse on here a little.
We have still been seeing each other on and off since April when he moved out. I too worried how "Making Coffee" would make me feel after knowing that the time together after would never be long enough for me. However I find that I am not a wreck after. i am peaceful, happy, and satisfied.
I struggle with the fact that prior to separation i had been trying to do things better where he was concerned knowing that i often had neglected that part of our marriage because many of my needs were not being met. He had an affair / having an affair and i own my responsibility in the demise of of our marriage.
I struggle because before I found DB I had figured I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by changing my habits. before learning of 180 i had become more aggressive with asking for what i wanted, changed my wardrobe some, wore sexy nighties, thongs and started texting him flirty messages and sending sexy pictures etc. I got his attention back big time.
NOW I come here and learn about the 180's and figure i cant change that again can I ? or does that seem like it was just a temporary move to get him back... Im actually enjoying the changes myself because it is what I actually wanted as well i just couldn't express my needs well enough for him to understand and vise versa for him.
Im not sure what your sit are like FOGG or ASITIS but i wanted to share that you maybe able to "make coffee" with your spouses and still walk away feeling confidant, happy and refreshed. I know I do and i often wonder what he is thinking after because not once have I cried or even stayed for a cuddle after or spent the night with him since. I take him and leave him just like a man would do.. oops that wasn't nice to say... i take him and leave him just like a strong willed, confidant, sexy woman who's enjoying it for what it's worth.
Im hoping that he is left wondering where my emotions are at. but I wont ask.. not gonna do it.
I posted this to your thread because my attitude was very like yours. If it's working for you, making you feel good then it's ok in my book. There is one thing about WH and I, we enjoyed cappuccino and the drinking of it I will never regret that. If I had my time over I would insist on a lid on the cup and to realise it was a paper cup to recycle.
Remember caffeine is very addictive so limit the cups, and occasionally detox and have a glass of water and an early night. Leave the barista wanting for more, visit the coffee shop on your terms. Add a splash of Vanilla Syrup too, liberal dash of spirit.
It isn't chasing, it's getting coffee with cream and sugar, on your terms.
When it's not for you, have tea instead. There are ways of preparing your own brew.
One caveat, take care of your sexual health and no expectations.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/10/1510:18 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Guess who texted me first two days in a row ? Guess who was cool as a cucumber? Who also prolonged her response time (Now I am always busy), responded with one liners, used validation and wasn't the last to respond?? Yep that’d be me!! 
Getting there slowly .. as it should be.
For Uphill you had asked a few days ago and to others reading this as well
the small changes I’ve noticed lately are
H is making the bed at his place… well at least whenever I’ve been there to see it. (this is after I mentioned that I like the bed to be made as it is welcoming at the end of the day and he was always the last to rise).
He's begun to use the word sorry to me more often after he realizes that he's hurt my feelings about something that I have called him on or just in general using it appropriately. (Back in April after BD I had mentioned in one of our talks that I had noticed that he doesn't use sorry very often).
And again recently H is Texting me first. (H is more jovial in his texts now, flirty and more fun than he was at the beginning of all of this. He will txt more often and for quite a length of time before needing to stop. often I will try to stop sooner than he.)
Small things as I’ve said, but small changes at least which work towards better communication. I feel listening is happening and the willingness to talk about the little day to day things that we really hadn't been sharing when were living together.
I see these as positives, I am correct right? 
Lastly, two weeks ago H had asked me to go away with him and I was unavailable due to work and kind of relieved at the same time. Well he has asked me again for this weekend or next.. not sure how many times I can refuse this offer to spend more than just a few hours with him. He says he is not concerned about it where I did express my concerns. thoughts??
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Sounds like you are doing a good job. Keep it up. When we talk about babysteps, we still mean that these need to be sustained, and not just a few instances. Those can just be testing to see that you are still where he left you. If he sees you go back to that, he'll gladly go right back to his own thing.
So, stay strong & focus on GAL.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I would go away with him but I give in way too easily. If you do go away, would you have a good time? Or will you feel stressed and like it is too much too soon?
{ I would go away with him but I give in way too easily. If you do go away, would you have a good time? Or will you feel stressed and like it is too much too soon?}
I guess that is my concern.. I don't want it t be awkward or a setback. I’m the worrier he’s the non emotional one of course.. so to him he’s not concerned probably hasn't considered it until I mentioned it.
I know I can be casual and fun, I know not to have R talk unless initiated by him. My concern really I think is after its over. Am I going to feel like I’m back at square one? Am I going to be ok when he drops me at the door and then he leaves to go to his pace? Am I going to want more than he is going to want to give after. Will I be ok??? That is my concern, not worried about him.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
{ I would go away with him but I give in way too easily. If you do go away, would you have a good time? Or will you feel stressed and like it is too much too soon?}
I guess that is my concern.. I don't want it t be awkward or a setback. I’m the worrier he’s the non emotional one of course.. so to him he’s not concerned probably hasn't considered it until I mentioned it.
I know I can be casual and fun, I know not to have R talk unless initiated by him. My concern really I think is after its over. Am I going to feel like I’m back at square one? Am I going to be ok when he drops me at the door and then he leaves to go to his pace? Am I going to want more than he is going to want to give after. Will I be ok??? That is my concern, not worried about him.
Lonlee if you go that's the risk you take. As far as I can see you and WH are in an open M at this stage. I know that's not what you want but that's a fact. It's ok if it suits you and is part of your 180, but if it is be aware that WH may think that by going you are saying yes to an open M. In the long run you have chosen this site because it is proM and pro monogamy, so my assumption is that you want a full on monogamous M. Your strategy may be attracting your WH into an open M, and it is attracting your WH, I think at some point You will say WH, full on monogamy now.
You are M to this man, you are his W. But he wants his cake to eat and save. This is the decision you make. I think it's higher risk for you that you will be hurt. If you go be aware that for WH it isn't commitment. Know that before making your choice.
Be clear that if you choose to go and you end up hurt then it was your own choice and you take the consequences.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/14/1506:06 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
He's the one that isn't in touch w/ or expresses his emotions. Trust someone who grew up male & in a family where showing emotions was discouraged, we still have them. We just repress them better. Took a lot of work to overcome that training.
On the going away w/ him, in addition to just whether it sounds like fun or not, I'd focus on how you think you will feel about it afterwards regardless of how it goes. Then decide.
If you choose to go, figure out how you are going to enjoy yourself no matter what H does. If you choose no, then we'll want to work through how you tell him in a good DB fashion.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you both for something to chew on. I am still undecided at this point which way to turn. Will be deciding either way soon.
If I go I may decide to use the opportunity to discuss the OW and the open marriage concept as I hadnt really thought of it in those terms. And no ultimately that is not my goal or the message that I want to be sending. Of course I would probably wait till the end of the trip to discuss these matters as I would want to see what his agenda is and see how things go first.
Maybe it is his desire to have an opportunity to see how we interact and or maybe for him to start a dialog about us. At this time im not sure but am anxious to see what might unfold. Of course theres the possubility to that it could be a big flop as well...
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
I have searched this site all over and ive been unable to find the road map back to my spouse and a new successful relationship. Where have you hidden it? I havent found one single cheat sheet either.. where are those? I only need a couple of the answers and I know I could pass the test .. wont you help me cheat? Haha
Just my thought for the morning.. good day all
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
That was my attempt at being funny not meant for assistance.. however I will read some of the success stories as it may provide some more hope with the sit at hand . Thanks
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
So i've been having a real tough day.. feel like im setting my self back. Brought up his seeing ow .. stated I dont think I can " make coffee " with him any longer if hes continuing that relationship. He said he didnt want me to do that. I said I feel its the right thing to do. He wants to talk more but im afraid he'll be able to change my mind.
Give me advice, give me strength, give me words and hope. Thank you all.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
I am so exhausted right now I can't think of anything inspirational to tell you except that you do not deserve to be treated as plan B. You are worth much more than this. If you can't do it for yourself, think about the example you are setting for your children. What would you tell your D if she were in your sitch?
Im sorry your going through your own personal hell right now as well. My sit is not easy with children as well but for the most part they are not as neddy for me as yours seem to be for you.
I think as mothers we will always choose to do whats right for our children over our spouses. Especially when they are making the choices they are right now. Your doing the right thing by them.
Keep your head high. Get some rest and hopefully we will both have better days ahead. Talk soon.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Have you read the chapter on overcoming infidelity in DR yet? If not, you really need to.
If you look back a few pages, you'll pick up that most or all of us were urging you to consider drawing a boundary here as long as OW is in the picture. Let him plead and beg and talk. You aren't winning him back by sleeping with him. That hasn't worked, so why keep doing it. If he threatens to turn to others, that is not a very serious threat because he already has and you are no worse off if he does. It is he who must change his behavior if he wants you to continue to work on your R, not you.
Stand firm. Remember, his threats are empty: he is a WH. You've lost him already (at least for now) & he shows no signs of reform or true return to work on the R. If you hope for him to come back, you've got to try something new and different. This is your 180.
Be strong. Truth be told, must of us were probably wanting to tell you that sleeping w/ him is a really bad idea in much stronger terms, but we knew that approach wouldn't work and you might run off in resistance. We knew you had to come to see this on your own. But, I think you will hear the relief when those same folks come check in on your sitch and see this new development.
It will be hard. We all want a little coffee from time to time. Give yourself permission to care for yourself a bit extra to help your way through the struggle.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Hi Lonelee, it sounds as though you want to draw this boundary but are doing so in a rather hesitant way. And it sounds as though your H may be able to 'pursuade' you to 'make coffee' if that's what he chooses to do.
I'm more than a year since BD now, and 3 months prior to BD, my H was in an A with OW. If there is one thing I have learned about this whole experience, it is that I never want to live with that whole '3rd person in our M' scenario again. That I don't need in my live. If that means I lose the R, so be it.
What I would love to see in your sitch is a healthy burst of self-respect. If I continue to ML with you, I put my health at risk and I'm not willing to do that. I want and deserve a monogamous R in my life, this isn't it and I don't want to ML in these circumstances.
Please don't think that ML makes it more likely you will 'hold on' to your H. In fact a strong stance and protective boundaries are actually more likely to make him sit up and take notice. But don't draw them for that reason - do them for yourself.
Good luck with whatever you decide :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am still not as negative about the ML dynamic as others. When you are no longer enjoying the coffee, stop drinking it. Do this for you not to connect, wake up WH or any other reason, but because it's not ok with you. If ML is a 180 then consider carefully, that which you want. Look back and say to yourself 'good whilst it lasted, and I came to a point that it wasn't for me so I stopped. Then to WH, "thanks but no thanks. It's been great but no longer for me you know my stance on it. When you are ready we can discuss but be aware I am moving on with my life quickly now'
I carried on with my java for a long time, until it became an empty bitter tasting brew, and I think that's a decision you make for you. Do so because you are strung out on caffeine or the particular brand no longer appeals or is mouldy.
It isn't something I regret doing, some of us are caffeine addicts and are happy to ML. It may be a long time before I get another cup to share! I am trusting one day I will.
Some of us are just simply high drive in this way. If you ML do so for you, not to please another, it's your choice, when you do, go OK, that was for me.
Then one day I lay beside WH and thought, that's it, this is the last time. This isn't my idea of enjoyable. Then it was ' WH this is the last time, until you want a committed M, then no more" and WH said ' I thought so'. Plus dear heart no coffee without a lid, it may spill and cause great health damage.
And my WH was a seducer (and so am I in the right R) so I let it go, just stated by boundary "you know my views". And to myself "I am saving myself for Liam! "
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/16/1510:40 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
In reality it has been 4 mo of making coffee and seeing him only of which 1+ mo with him being out of the home. I had told him early on that at some point I would prob decide that I no longer would want to continue coffee if he was doing ow. He said hes only seen her 3 times in this time period. 3 is enough for me.
Stopping this would prob be a 180 of the 180 that I had started when he was still at home before I even knew what a 180 was. Stopping coffee with him is for my benefit not to get him to take notice or to make an ultimatimum just simply that I have decided I dont want to be in a 3 ring circus any longer.
Respect for myself my values and a relationship that has more to offer because that is not the only thing from him that I want. I think I need to make a stand on that I guess.
I appreciate you helping me think this through and for wording it for me in a context that is simple. I hadnt thought that I could simply say out of respect for myself and the marriage we had I can no longer have an open marriage. Open marriage.. hadnt occurred to me.
Sometimes im slow as I have stated here before.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Awe thanks photoka.. I would love that too. I try to have some humor in all of this as the reality is so scary and serious that sometimes I want to share a funnier side of me.
I feel like your all part of my secret sorority.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
H and I were taking son and his gf out for dinner tonight as it is both their birthdays. H suggested this yesterday actually.Typically that would be my place but he actually beat me to it. I was pleased with this. I dont tell him that.
So the kids end up cancelling tonight and ask to do it tomorrow instead because something came up and delayed their arriving etc. By this time im dressed, nicely I might add.. and ready to go when H calls me.
Would I like to meet for dinner? Would I ever. Im nonchalant and say sure. We meet , we have a nice dinner,some wine and I offer to split the tab. Nope hes got it. Huh? im thinking?
This is the first solo dinner together in 2 mo. It was fun , not serious and not too awkward which I was concerned about. He only looked at phone once quickly and didnt play any games... this is a change as ive noticed previously as he is more engaged and not immersed in his phone.
He walks me to my car we chat a little and decide that maybe we could talk tomorrow nite instead of tonight. As you recall yesterday I said I had decided to quit " coffee" cold turkey and he wanted to talk about it...
I feel very good about tonight and I could hear a little voice inside me saying "leave him wanting more"... we said good night said we'll see you tomorrow and went our seperate ways. Im proud that I didnt offer him dessert.. proud er that I was fun and didnt try to talk during dinner and even prouder that I havent sent a follow up txt saying thank you to him again.
Changes that ive noticed
He initiated the first txt today and has been periodically since last week. He has asked to talk about my decision.. talking is always initiated by me. H is more engaged and respectful not to be on phone when im around.
I am still hopeful..
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Good for you! I am glad you had a nice dinner and glad for all the positive changes. Don't you hate that always checking the phone thing? My H does that too. Its good that he is paying attention to you and this is what you deserve on a consistent basis.
Yes agreed .. I am quite accustomed to the phone checking.. he is chief of police and always on call so thats a given. Its the extended use of that burns me and tonight at dinner he didnt look at it once.. yeah!
No dessert or should I say coffee tonight either..
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
I have nothing too insightful to say, but I think you can hold your head up a little higher today. So your H is chief of police, mine is a military officer, good to know the guys in charge are so messed up with their personal lives. Hope they have better heads on their shoulders at work or we are all in trouble.
Sounds like a very good & enjoyable evening. Glad it went well.
I wonder of your S & his girlfriend set you two up ? Wouldn't be the first time that has been done.
BTW, if he does something like take care of a social/family planning issue like he did taking the initiative on the dinner, thank him. There is nothing wrong w/ that from a DB polite friendliness side, and positive reinforcement to plant the seed that he can please you by being thoughtful on something most men leave to their wives should be encouraged.
Very nicely done all around.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thanking him for planning the birthday dinner was a missed opportunity .. I will keep that in mind for sure if the opportunity arrises again.
Im wondering if he has had a little change of heart where as I mentioned I no longer wanted to make coffee with him. We havent had an opportunity to talk about it yet. Im anxiously curious about his point of view, where he wanted to talk more about it. I am trying not to put too much weight in these recent developments but I sure am encouraged by them. Holding back on my expectations too. Baby steps toward change.
Our 24 wedding anniversary is the end of october. In recent years we have barely remembered it let alone celebrated what it actually stands for. I am hopeful that maybe this year that will be different. Clearly we are separated currently it couldnt help but be different this year haha.. but what im hopeful for is the notion that maybe we will be in a better place by october and that even if he is not at home but we are working toward a better marriage that to me would be worth celebrating.
I will keep you all informed as things develop because I need the valued opinions from my sorority family . Thank you all.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Sounds like an enjoyable date. Good job, I have wondered about the thanking too. I don't feel like I gave enough words of affirmation to him when we were married. 180? Maybe.
Keep us updated!
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I'd try not to talk about your decision or the R if you can. Certainly, you shouldn't initiate. If he asks, just say you don't feel comfortable with the arrangement any more, and that he has to demonstrate that he is done w/ OW & work to rebuild trust. It can be done, but he is going to have to commit & demonstrate that he will stick w/ it and work on the M before you see that happening.
Don't worry about the anniversary at this point. A lot can happen in the next two months. Esp.. if you haven't in the past years, it would be odd when you are having such trouble to try to give it meaning that isn't really there (at least at the present moment). If things work out, you'll both probably start celebrating the anniversary in future years with a new meaning. I'd wait for that myself, but you have to see what feels right to you when the time comes.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Nothing newsworthy really here to report but I haven’t posted for a few days so thought I would.
I feel like I have been doing this S for years when in reality it has only been a little over a month that he’s been out of the home and 4 since BD. Things have been going really between us and I’m happy for that, but I’m still longing to hear an update about the OW situation. I don’t want to ask outright and have been advised not to do R talk, I am no longer checking his email (and it feels good not to)so there’s no way of knowing unless he tells me. And then, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to believe him because of the “believe only half of what he tells you rule” BTW I’m not really clear on the meaning of this.. how do you decipher what to believe and what to distrust?
I guess the waiting in limbo is kind of hard because I feel like I’m not working toward the reconciliation that I desire. I’m also unsure how much effort he is putting into the consideration of reconciliation at this point and the not knowing is driving me crazy. I am not in a hurry to become H and W at this point or even considering his moving back home, don’t get me wrong here, but I’m so damned nosey and inpatient that treading water is getting old.
Here are some Goals GAL more, to distract me from thinking too much Register for an Adult Ed class so I have something to look forward to that is just for me Get some exercise (one that doesn’t include making “coffee” with spouse) Maintain a PMA about this situation and for myself in general.
because as bad as it seems to be for me, not getting everything that I want currently with my H, my sit is not as bad as some of the testimonies that have been shared here. I am grateful he is kind to me in so many ways, he is seeing his kids, he is financially supporting me and we are still sharing, talking and having fun.
I want to thank everyone in this forum from the newbie’s, to the vets and for the long timers because everyone has something to bring to the table and share. I read many situations that are similar to mine and very different from mine, from H or W, way wards or not there is usually some very good advice that can be relatable to my current situation or something that I find to save in my back pocket for a rainy day … : )
Make a great day all!
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
It seems fine. I am sure he was not surprised by the response. You spoke from the heart with no malice, whats not to like. My opinion is questionable though since my relationship practices got me here.
I'm glad, but remember she will leave a ring behind that will take a while to dissolve. The best cleaner is to be patient. He will likely be dealing with a loss. Even if you don't feel a lot of sympathy for him for his loss, recognize that it will impact your R with him. Give him space & time, and don't expect him to be ready to start healing your M right away.
You handled it OK, and it is a restrained reaction to what you probably wanted to say. "Gee, I know exactly how having your R fall apart feels. From experience, that must really hurt. Assh*le."
I don't know what I would have said in your place.
Still, remember that listening and validating are on the list of things to do for a reason. We all want to respond to our Ss when they go on about something that is unfair or painful to us, but listening and validating is the fastest way to get to that point where he might listen to your pain.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you for the advice and yes I see your point in validating now. I am not expecting a miricle recovery at this point and am not thinking that now his thoughts will be toward me . He may consider dating others too at this point I dont know where I fit in the puzzle.
Practicing patience.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Finally GAL all weekend.. drinks out friday .. then an over nite sat with my sistas just enjoying sun and fun.. and then this evening H asked me to dinner .. again... we had a very nice dinner and some laughs . No R talking still. And when I got home he had left a msg for me thanking me for spending the time with him . That was a very nice surprise! Yeah ! I'm hopeful.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Just checking in to see how you're doing lately. I hope things are still going as well as they seemed.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Ok... so.. I decided to take H up on offer for an overnite away. Third time hes asked so I said yes. I feel like a relationship talk might be in my future. Unsure if it will generate from me or him. More than likely me as I seem to be a little confused by his request and our recent dinners out together. Maybe now is not a good time? Maybe I should see how the overnite goes .. digest it and then solicit a conversation in a couple days?
We have had some nice evenings out together , I dont anticipate that this will be any different as I said before more concerned with the days that follow as we will continue to live apart and ill probably miss him. Maybe he will miss me too.
What I really want to know is the OW status.. as I mentioned previously he reffered to it as circling the toilet.. I dont want to be his fall back option. I want him to choose me not come back because shes no longer available. NOR do I want become part of a competition where now she and I are competing to see who can be more fun, available or whatever.. I dont want to be a jealousy pawn piece either...
Who's got some good advice for me? Negative is welcome too I am all ears.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
There will be time for get aways when it is time. If you have set on a path of NO OPEN MARRIAGE, how can you know if she is really out of the picture. I don't want to clutter how you've been feeling, since it has been more positive...honestly I don't. your husband said that relationship is swirling down the toilet. That does not mean it is over. it does not mean that he has sent her a letter stating that he is done with her for good. That does not mean that he is ready to commit to you as his one and only. That means $hit right now, other than he wants to go away with you.
There is a lot of work that needs to go into this reconciliation, it seams like he just wants to move forward without doing that work.
I am with you, we miss the passion, companionship, etc. so much...but if you want my opinion, you need to take this slowly and make sure that there is REAL intent and 100% honesty and contrition. If there is, he will be ready to meet your requirements for him to return to this marriage, not just him wanting to come back. (no contact letter, transparency, STD test, MC commitment, etc)
Without that, a short circuit in this will not allow you to fully heal from this wound to your lives. You do not want to end up here again in a few more years, RIGHT?
It doesn't sound like he is seeing you as a fallback (just my reading - sounds like courting behavior). The question is, is he willing to do the hard work it will take to restore the M?
I'd be hesitant on the overnight, but it sounds like you are OK with going ahead. Obviously don't do anything you are uncomfortable with. As Z said, there will be time.
Definitely don't drop your GAL just because he is giving you some attention and showing your some signs of hope. That very likely is what is drawing him back. He also may lose interest if he sees that the new exciting you is not going to be sustained and you're headed back to the same old, same old. Accept some invitations, but continue to focus on your life apart from him. If it's working, don't stop. Too soon to tell, but you're starting to see some kind of promising pattern.
Good luck. At least one of us might be getting some coffee
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you.. the overnite was a success. We had fun nice dinner some dancing some coffee.
I waited till the ride home and decided to touch upon the OW a little. He said he hasnt talked to her in about a month and he doesnt think about it very often. I said my impression was that it was more on her end that things were slowing down and I knew from our discussions previously that I felt he really was interested in a relationship with her. He said no that was not the right impression and that he hasnt reached out to her and that when he was moving out he really didnt know what the future relationship would be with her, probably because she is married too with children and GC.
I said that I wanted to be sure to give him the space and time that he needs and I was concerned that by me being available to him would cloud things for him so to speak and I wanted to be respectful of his needs right now. I also said I dont want to be in a triangle relationship either. He understood what I meant . He also stated he hasnt done anything with me that he hasnt wanted to do.
In the sceam of things there really isnt anything any different about the way I feel about us or the situation with OW than before I asked. It doesnt change things much. Now is not the right time to ask about him and our R or demand that he make a decision or vow his commitment that he is done with a letter etc. There may be a time in the future that I would require those types of things but we are not there yet.
We did talk about how he is feeling and his stress level and that is much improved for him which is great. He is living very simplistic with no clutter.. makes his bed daily and the house is neat and tidy when he leaves and comes home and that is comforting to him. I totally get it.
I know theres lots here in our home that would / did make him anxious that I can do physically to make it better for him here. However after talking about it some I bet he wont be able to move back home. The house is 4 bedroomn 2 and 1/2 baths two living rms etc.. needs some fixing up cosmetically but I dont think he has it in him to do anything about it. Certainly not right now and probably not in the future. This is ok for me as we had talked previously about selling anyway. He talked a bit about "we" can do xyz to the rent house to make things better there. I didnt comment on that.. just thought huh hes saying "we"... haha
So I am hopeful still. We are a long ways from reconcilliation at this point which is fine . I like were we are at right now. We both admitted at how much we are learning about ourselves right now which is perfect. I was concerned about how I would feel about us going seperate ways after spending the night together and im really fine right now. Didnt get sad or tear up like I thought I might. Im good. Maybe it will happen later .. I dunno.. maybe this how im suppossed to feel.
I feel really peaceful for now...
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Have been busy this week havent posted much. I just registered for an adult ed class nutritional eating and mindfulness.. its a start.. also hoping to keep the 30 lbs ive lost off since all this began in april.
The time is dragging but other than that things are going smoothly. Nothing solid yet in the way of answers or progressing toward the relationship mending yet but I believe we are slowly making progress. I will take this as slowly as necessary to make sure we are going to make a better marriage going forward. I hope he will be willing to do the work when it is his turn.
I wont settle for just having him back. Im investing now for a good return on my investment later.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Oh my goodness im at 95 .. 96 posts now .. how do I start a new thread??? Haha
Click "New Topic" And away you go!!
What a cute exchange. Nice save Azzork.
Reminds me of when I was like 8 years old. My friend got a BRAND NEW SHINY BIKE for his birthday. Before he'd even rode it once he asked if I wanted to try it out. So I hop on and started getting it going, booking down the sidewalk.
Only problem was...this was a 10 speed...with HANDLEBAR BRAKES. I had only ridden kids bikes with one gear, where to break you back-pedal. Soooooooooooo......as the sidewalk reached a "T" with a wooden fence at the end I start trying to slow down. Needless to say my feet spin backwards in circles and nothing happens. SMASH! Into the fence I go. I got a bit beat up, but the bike was seriously wounded. Maybe mortally. I can't remember. But broken reflector plastic and bent metal for sure.
Funny how memory works. I can't remember the aftermath. But I felt horrible, that much I remember.
Anyway, silly how sometimes the smallest things can make a big difference
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
? Wouldn't be the first time that has been done.