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lonelee #2598487 08/17/15 02:29 AM
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So.... I have to share for some insight.

H and I were taking son and his gf out for dinner tonight as it is both their birthdays. H suggested this yesterday actually.Typically that would be my place but he actually beat me to it. I was pleased with this. I dont tell him that.

So the kids end up cancelling tonight and ask to do it tomorrow instead because something came up and delayed their arriving etc. By this time im dressed, nicely I might add.. and ready to go when H calls me.

Would I like to meet for dinner? Would I ever. Im nonchalant and say sure.
We meet , we have a nice dinner,some wine and I offer to split the tab. Nope hes got it. Huh? im thinking?

This is the first solo dinner together in 2 mo. It was fun , not serious and not too awkward which I was concerned about. He only looked at phone once quickly and didnt play any games... this is a change as ive noticed previously as he is more engaged and not immersed in his phone.

He walks me to my car we chat a little and decide that maybe we could talk tomorrow nite instead of tonight. As you recall yesterday I said I had decided to quit " coffee" cold turkey and he wanted to talk about it...

I feel very good about tonight and I could hear a little voice inside me saying "leave him wanting more"... we said good night said we'll see you tomorrow and went our seperate ways. Im proud that I didnt offer him dessert.. proud er that I was fun and didnt try to talk during dinner and even prouder that I havent sent a follow up txt saying thank you to him again. smile

Changes that ive noticed

He initiated the first txt today and has been periodically since last week.
He has asked to talk about my decision.. talking is always initiated by me.
H is more engaged and respectful not to be on phone when im around.

I am still hopeful..


Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
lonelee #2598557 08/17/15 12:13 PM
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Good for you! I am glad you had a nice dinner and glad for all the positive changes. Don't you hate that always checking the phone thing? My H does that too. Its good that he is paying attention to you and this is what you deserve on a consistent basis.



gonegrl #2598918 08/18/15 01:36 AM
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Yes agreed .. I am quite accustomed to the phone checking.. he is chief of police and always on call so thats a given. Its the extended use of that burns me and tonight at dinner he didnt look at it once.. yeah!

No dessert or should I say coffee tonight either.. smile


Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
lonelee #2598928 08/18/15 02:01 AM
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I have nothing too insightful to say, but I think you can hold your head up a little higher today. So your H is chief of police, mine is a military officer, good to know the guys in charge are so messed up with their personal lives. Hope they have better heads on their shoulders at work or we are all in trouble.



lonelee #2598943 08/18/15 03:30 AM
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Sounds like a very good & enjoyable evening. Glad it went well.

I wonder of your S & his girlfriend set you two up whistle ? Wouldn't be the first time that has been done.

BTW, if he does something like take care of a social/family planning issue like he did taking the initiative on the dinner, thank him. There is nothing wrong w/ that from a DB polite friendliness side, and positive reinforcement to plant the seed that he can please you by being thoughtful on something most men leave to their wives should be encouraged.

Very nicely done all around.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2598997 08/18/15 10:31 AM
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lonelee Offline OP
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Thanking him for planning the birthday dinner was a missed opportunity .. I will keep that in mind for sure if the opportunity arrises again.

Im wondering if he has had a little change of heart where as I mentioned I no longer wanted to make coffee with him. We havent had an opportunity to talk about it yet. Im anxiously curious about his point of view, where he wanted to talk more about it. I am trying not to put too much weight in these recent developments but I sure am encouraged by them. Holding back on my expectations too. Baby steps toward change.

Our 24 wedding anniversary is the end of october. In recent years we have barely remembered it let alone celebrated what it actually stands for. I am hopeful that maybe this year that will be different. Clearly we are separated currently it couldnt help but be different this year haha.. but what im hopeful for is the notion that maybe we will be in a better place by october and that even if he is not at home but we are working toward a better marriage that to me would be worth celebrating.

I will keep you all informed as things develop because I need the valued opinions from my sorority family . Thank you all.


Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
lonelee #2599004 08/18/15 11:31 AM
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Sounds like an enjoyable date. Good job, I have wondered about the thanking too. I don't feel like I gave enough words of affirmation to him when we were married. 180? Maybe.

Keep us updated!


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
lonelee #2599083 08/18/15 03:46 PM
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I'd try not to talk about your decision or the R if you can. Certainly, you shouldn't initiate. If he asks, just say you don't feel comfortable with the arrangement any more, and that he has to demonstrate that he is done w/ OW & work to rebuild trust. It can be done, but he is going to have to commit & demonstrate that he will stick w/ it and work on the M before you see that happening.

Don't worry about the anniversary at this point. A lot can happen in the next two months. Esp.. if you haven't in the past years, it would be odd when you are having such trouble to try to give it meaning that isn't really there (at least at the present moment). If things work out, you'll both probably start celebrating the anniversary in future years with a new meaning. I'd wait for that myself, but you have to see what feels right to you when the time comes.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2599877 08/20/15 04:53 PM
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Posts: 125
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lonelee Offline OP
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Nothing newsworthy really here to report but I haven’t posted for a few days so thought I would.

I feel like I have been doing this S for years when in reality it has only been a little over a month that he’s been out of the home and 4 since BD. Things have been going really between us and I’m happy for that, but I’m still longing to hear an update about the OW situation. I don’t want to ask outright and have been advised not to do R talk, I am no longer checking his email (and it feels good not to)so there’s no way of knowing unless he tells me. And then, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to believe him because of the “believe only half of what he tells you rule” BTW I’m not really clear on the meaning of this.. how do you decipher what to believe and what to distrust?

I guess the waiting in limbo is kind of hard because I feel like I’m not working toward the reconciliation that I desire. I’m also unsure how much effort he is putting into the consideration of reconciliation at this point and the not knowing is driving me crazy. I am not in a hurry to become H and W at this point or even considering his moving back home, don’t get me wrong here, but I’m so damned nosey and inpatient that treading water is getting old.

Here are some Goals
GAL more, to distract me from thinking too much
Register for an Adult Ed class so I have something to look forward to that is just for me
Get some exercise (one that doesn’t include making “coffee” with spouse)
Maintain a PMA about this situation and for myself in general.

because as bad as it seems to be for me, not getting everything that I want currently with my H, my sit is not as bad as some of the testimonies that have been shared here. I am grateful he is kind to me in so many ways, he is seeing his kids, he is financially supporting me and we are still sharing, talking and having fun.

I want to thank everyone in this forum from the newbie’s, to the vets and for the long timers because everyone has something to bring to the table and share. I read many situations that are similar to mine and very different from mine, from H or W, way wards or not there is usually some very good advice that can be relatable to my current situation or something that I find to save in my back pocket for a rainy day … : )

Make a great day all!


Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
lonelee #2600401 08/22/15 12:59 AM
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Posts: 125
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lonelee Offline OP
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Hello all

So H stated to me that his R status with OW was " cicling the toilet" ... if I knew what that meant smile

My response was only " I cant say that im disappointed to hear that"

That was good right.. I didnt delve for details but I didnt validate his feelings, why should I .. I could care less about that R.

I think I handled that ok? Opinions? I know you've got em? Haha


Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
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