This is the perfect place to do both fdu. The more venting and thinking out loud you do here the more guidance you get.
Sorry you're here, keep doing what you're doing. There are layers to all of this and after you're around for a bit you start to see them. In the beginning it just seems like counter intuitive mayhem, so trust the process. None of it is as easy at it looks on paper, you're doing well so far though.
What are you doing to work on yourself? To get a life?
Let the board know and you'll have lots of support. There are tons of great people here working the same process you are.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I appreciate the support. Before I say what I am doing to GAL, let say that my Wife wanted me to do three things which are:
1. Get a Job because my biz of 10 years isn't producing so I have. 2. She said to stop drinking and I have completely. 3. Respect her and talk to her nicely. I do respect her and we argued and spoke loudly, but not at the point of yelling.
I can't show her that I respect her if she isn't around and she won't be able to see the changes because she isn't around.
Now, what I am doing to get a life: 1. I joined a Circuit Gym. 2. Got a Guitar to start learning to Play.
What I am looking into: 1. Joining a Support Group and meetup Groups.
I know I have to be more assertive in GAL. Funny things...it's been while since I was Single and I'm sorta lost trying to find my way.
I want to increase confidence b/c I can feel I'm not myself and always sleepy and having headaches for some reason. I never really had headaches before.
I really wish my wife was missing me and having second thoughts as I am thinking that she is over me and doesn't care. I don't understand how we were together for so long with kids and she just leaves and goes cold and uncaring. In the beginning of the breakup I would tell her your giving up on us and the family and she was saying she's not giving up, she's not giving in anymore. She needs to breathe and it hurts to much to love me. Personally I wouldn't throw away my family without trying together as a family. She says she was trying before and I didn't now she doesn't have anything else to give me and what she has left is for the kids. To me it sounds like she's being guided by her mom or individual therapist.
I can't show her that I respect her if she isn't around and she won't be able to see the changes because she isn't around.
By giving her the space she needs, you are respecting her. By treating your kids great and being a great dad, you are respecting her. By getting a job and paying your bills and such on time, you are respecting her.
If she is interested, she will notice your changes. You dont have to show them to her every day for her to see them. This is a SLOW process. So, dont try to rush it.
Originally Posted By: fdu
I really wish my wife was missing me and having second thoughts as I am thinking that she is over me and doesn't care. I don't understand how we were together for so long with kids and she just leaves and goes cold and uncaring. In the beginning of the breakup I would tell her your giving up on us and the family and she was saying she's not giving up, she's not giving in anymore. She needs to breathe and it hurts to much to love me. Personally I wouldn't throw away my family without trying together as a family. She says she was trying before and I didn't now she doesn't have anything else to give me and what she has left is for the kids. To me it sounds like she's being guided by her mom or individual therapist.
No matter what you think, you cant read her mind. You dont know what she is or isnt thinking. And even if you could, just because shes thinking something right now doesnt mean she will think the same way tomorrow, or next week, or next year. Every ounce of energy spent wondering and figuring on what shes thinking is energy that you could have spent better on yourself.
Good job fdu. Azzork (welcome back btw!!...if your writing lends to who I think you are) dropped some great stuff on you too.
I stopped drinking when my W left too and ask the exact same questions you did about how will she know now that she's moved? She will. That's how. And you're in for a long road so keep it up and move slow.
In the beginning she won't trust the changes anyway, but do them anyway. Then, months (sorry) down the road when you've truly decided they are for you and not for her, she'll feel it. When you have no reason to keep the changes if they were just for her, but thanks to the support on this board and all of the work you've done on yourself you've decided that the New FDU 2.0 is how you're living your life from now on, she'll know too.
You're on the right path fdu, you're in a world of hurt and trust me, we've all been there and sometimes no matter how far out we are from the BD, we get sent back there. But it does get better. Trust this process.
Think of it this way. There's only one possible way for your M to get back on track for good and it's not anything close to a guarantee - it's to do this work. To dive into it, to really go where you don't want to go and get yourself an amazing life. Then and only then do you have a shot and that's only if your W is willing to come back to the table and if she's done her own work.
I'm 8 months out and now just starting to grasp things that Cadet and Zues were telling me 6 months ago. Just starting to grasp them. But you know what? They were right.
We're all lost at being single. I'm still terrible at being single. You know why? I still hate it. But until I get comfortable with it, nothing is going to change and I'm still going to be having part of my decision making process be held by my long gone W. But it's a process that I've got to go through and so do you so just keep doing your best.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I looked up up Gabs Posts and holy Mackerel...it's almost an identical in what we are going through and I'm sure many others as well.
Yes, this all seems like crazy advice, but I'm trusting that it would help develop a better me. Like I said, it hurts but I'm glad the changes are taking place because if i were drinking I don't now what I would be thinking and I may be pushing her farther away.
I tried to PM, but its disabled. Is it just a setting that I need to enable?
Too bad we can't have Group Support Conference calls for the us.
I say only because I can't find a support group in my area.
I am detaching and only want to speak to them when they are going to bed so I can wish them good night for now. I should not call during the day since I'm detaching right?
No, you are not detaching from the children. And detaching means something else than not calling - it means giving up control over the outcome of a situation, and realizing that you will be okay regardless. You still want to be the very best father you can be. How you act now, may decide what happens with custody if this moves forward. I know you are in shock and this seems unthinkable, but you have to focus on your children and fight for their and your rights.
Have you spoken to an attorney about this situation and your rights to your children? I don't know where you live, but there aren't many places a wife can just take the children and leave. You need professional advice to know what to do next. I would not let on that you have involved an attorney, this is just so you know what to do and what your - and their - rights are.
Can you imagine how hurt and confused your children are? They are innocent victims of this, and have been taken away from their home. Why would you let your W take control like this? She is of course free to leave, but she cannot take the children from the home and only let you have visits! And if you fight for your children in a calm, collected manner, she will respect you more for it.
You have received great input on the situation with WAW, and I'm sure there will be more coming from those who have BTDT.
If you can't find local support groups, you can get phone coaching from professionals here.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I want to increase confidence b/c I can feel I'm not myself and always sleepy and having headaches for some reason. I never really had headaches before.
I think you need to see a doctor. It could be the stress, but you need to make sure.
I have started a new thread about WW's, if you are interested.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I called to wish my kids Good night last night and no reply. I texted my wife this time that I want to call and speak to my kids and at night wish them good night. She replied: of course call before 8pm because they were a sleep by 8.
Then I replied saying o and that I would like to spend time with my boys since it's been a while almost a week since I've seen them. No response!!! back, so I asked her to acknowledge receipt of the text that I want to spend time with my boys. no response back yet..."I AM SO TEMPTED TO ASK HER IF SHE NEEDS TO ASK HER MOM AND THAT HER MOM SAYS IT"S OK!!!!
I called to wish my kids Good night last night and no reply. I texted my wife this time that I want to call and speak to my kids and at night wish them good night. She replied: of course call before 8pm because they were a sleep by 8.
Then I replied saying o and that I would like to spend time with my boys since it's been a while almost a week since I've seen them. No response!!! back, so I asked her to acknowledge receipt of the text that I want to spend time with my boys. no response back yet..."I AM SO TEMPTED TO ASK HER IF SHE NEEDS TO ASK HER MOM AND THAT HER MOM SAYS IT"S OK!!!!
PISSED OFF!!!
fdu - First step is to calm down. I understand that youre upset....I would be too. But decisions you make today can have impact for years. So dont do anything today that you will regret.
Second step, if you havent, you HAVE to see a lawyer. A month cannot just run off with her kids. Im preeeeeeetty sure thats kidnapping. You need to understand and fight for your rights, because she is going to take everything she can. You should not have to beg and plead to get to have time with your children, and Im pretty sure the law would agree.
