Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 141
S
Strongr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 141
Greetings,

My wife of 10 years left home with my three boys (9,6,2 years old). She wanted space and time to breathe but now says we are done. She says she can't give anymore of herslef to me and that it hurts to love me. SZhe has been detatching for months and has a wall up not wanting to let me in nor even try to work things out.

I have been working on implemeting the 180 and Last Resort techniques and haven't been any good at following through keeping to the plan. I miss my boys and can't believe this is happening.
and
How do I do the no contact when I have to call my boys to say good night. Please help...any advice is welcomed.

Thank You

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 141
S
Strongr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 141
Thank You Cadet.

I am in Las Vegas on Business and will be flying home tomorrow. Wife and kids will be picking me up from the airport. I am going to do the 180 and leave her alone and not even talk about all the things I spoake about to her about saving our relationship. It will be hard b/c I want to work it out and miss her and the kids so much. I will focus on my kids and myself going forward.

How do I love her from afar and how do I interact at with her daily when she goes to her moms house later this weekend?

I want to say Good night to my boys everynight before before they go to bed?

Frank

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 141
S
Strongr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 141
Hello,

Greetings. I screwed up again. My wife was to pick me up at the airport with the kids tonight. Well she pulled a fast one and I know that she is being guided by her mom who doesn't like me. What she did was take my car and leave it at the airport so that she can continue to detach. She said that just didn't want to see me and that it was not good for the kids and myself to get mislead since she and they are transitioning into a different life away from me.

I am having a hard time detatching myself. I can tell myself all day that she wants and needs her space I say ok and that that I will support her. I also know that I need to GAL as well, but when I talk to me kids and and hear her voice everything goes out the window.

It hurts. My friends and family say forget it...get yourself together and love yourself and your kids and to forget about being with her and move on. So, I say to myself, ok I will do that. I don't want to me move on w/o her as my wife and the kids not living with me.

I need help in understanding this. I did get Divorce Remedy and am going through it.

"Support" is welcomed and needed.

Frank

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: fdu
My friends and family say forget it...get yourself together and love yourself and your kids and to forget about being with her and move on.

I would suggest modifying this advice.

Yes get yourself together/
Yes Love yourself and your kids.
Put her and your relationship away in a box and put the box on a shelf somewhere.
Move Forward not on!

Be the best DAD you can be.

Are you getting access to your kids?
If not have you seen a lawyer?

Don't let her take your kids away from you.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
I agree with Cadet. Do not let her take your kids away from you. They need their Daddy as much as their Mommy.

My son is 4 years old so my H and I have agreed to just tell him that we are a family apart. Some Mommies and Daddies can't live together. Mommy is still your Mommy and Daddy is still your Daddy, that will never changed.

You can share your kids without having to interact with each other. This is so unfair. I am so sorry.


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
One more thing - these poor kids (in all of these situations) did not ask for a divorced family. They should NOT have to go through the fall out of divorce. I do not agree with her taking the kids away from you and saying that she is transitioning with the kids away from you.


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
fdu - Your kids will always be your bond back to your wife. So take a breath and don't be rash. This is your opportunity to take a hard look at you. She is leaving you, so you haven't been the best version of yourself. What are her reasons for leaving? What did you do to contribute to these? And what can you do to be the best you possible?

This is where you need to do a deep dive on yourself for growth, to become the best you possible. The You, only a fool would leave.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 456
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 456
^^^ This


M35 W33 S14 D12
M14
ILYBNILWY 07/14
BD 7/14
S 5/15

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard