In her mind, you are already divorced. So the "eules" aren't really impacted by your path through the courts. So start doing the 180s and becoming the best Bobby you can be. And yes, stay dark as much as possible.
Hi I know I am supposed to go dark. Just thought I better not go dark on here too. Wife is out of state with family for another week. Our 2nd anniversary is the 22nd. So? Do I call and wish her a Happy Anniversary? I know that is probably a dumb question. A week after she gets back she is coming over to pack up the rest of her stuff. (On my Birthday no less) She is planning on having a friend (her male massage therapist....who she says nothing has ever happened between them) help her move her furniture out of the house to her apartment. I am willing to help her. I helped her move stuff to her storage shed a couple of weeks ago. But now she says she doesn't feel comfortable me helping. Says I couldn't ask you to do that. So I am thinking I should move all her furniture ahead of time to the garage to make it as fast and painless as possible for me. Thoughts? I went to lawyer on Friday because I have to respond this week coming up. I still don't want a divorce and it is hard hearing her say I make her anxious. And that talking to me she is afraid I am going to bring up divorce or ask her what she plans on doing. Advise and Support Appreciated
I'm far from the perfect person to give advise but I probably would not wish a happy anniversary. It would likely just aggravate Her since she seems to view the marriage as over already.
I know it's difficult with it being your birthday, a male friend assisting her, and her stating her anxiety around you but you need to keep your chin up. Easier said than done but you'll make yourself crazy if you look too much into her relationship with Her friend or her feelings toward you.
When you interact, treat her as an acquaintance. Show kindness and courtesy, but don't ask questions about her life. Even if it's as simple as "how's work going?" -- show ambivalence. Don't acknowledge the anniversary. Don't attempt physical contact and don't ask her feelings or intentions about the marriage. She's probably confused and it may just Smother and pressure Her.
You need to work on yourself, think about yourself, and do what's best for you. Alter your expectations too. Don't expect her to wish you a happy birthday or be happy to see you or speak to you.
Thanks I am sure and she had said if I only would have given her space in the beginning we wouldn't be here. Easier said than done when you are trying to fix your problems. I know you said she might be confused. I know for 6 months she was confused and not knowing what to do. But to me it seems she has her mind made up and is hell-bent on divorce. After all she has filed for it. And her only correspondence with me is wanting me to get my own accounts or separate our accounts and bills. What do you think about me moving out her furniture to my garage. She is planning on moving it to her apartment when she gets back. It might be easier for me to have it moved out there rather than have her and her "friends" dismantling stuff inside the house. So do I just concede and part ways with her.? I don't want that.
I am trying on going dark. But my wife kept calling and texting to see if I had changed bills over to my name only. Was it wrong of me not to answer? She called like 10 times in an hour and was mad I wasn't answering. I finally texted her back. But then we ended up re-hashing why we are in the position we are in. She is really pushing me getting bills put over to my name. Even though we are not divorced. She just filed. She says she is a broken woman because of me. All this is putting me in a financial bind. She makes like 3 times as much as me. And she is pushing the bills onto me.
You should be splitting everything 50/50, dont take on things that you are not using, if she makes more than you then you may be entitled to her to PAY you.
I would not transfer bills to your name unless the lawyer says it is OK.
Tell her that you received her messages and are consulting with your lawyer.
You seemed to hit the nail on the head when you said if you'd given her space, you wouldn't be in this predicament. So if that's what she needs, go ahead and give it to her. It's not going to make things worse. You can still fix your own individual problems.
Giving her space may give her time to work through her confusion. She may be hell bent on the divorce and that won't change whether you give her space or pressure her, so you might as well just give her distance. She may come around or she may not. Best to prepare for the worst.
Just because she filed for divorce doesn't mean it's what she wants. I can't speak for her, but I filed because I was fed up. I didn't want a divorce, but I wasn't willing to continue on in the marriage that I was in and my husband wasn't willing to compromise on the issues. I don't think anyone WANTS to get divorced.
I would move the stuff to the garage only if it's truly going to be easier or best for you. I wouldn't do it if it's just an act of emotion to try to be spiteful. Will she be upset if you do that? Is the argument that will cause worth it to not have her friends in the house? If not, I'd just suck it up and let them in the house.
Don't assume they're more than friends. You'll eat yourself up inside over something that may not even be happening. Even if they are more than friends, you and she have a broken relationship right now and divorce will mean that you are both free to see/date other people. It's hurtful and ugly to think about, but divorce isn't pretty.
You don't really have a choice but to concede and part ways. She doesn't really need your cooperation if she's intent on leaving. You'll only piss her off even more if you stand in her way. You don't have to be okay with it, but she's going to do what she wants anyway. Ultimately you need to do what's best for yourself right now.
Treat her like an acquaintance. Respond cordially and if she starts to rehash old issues, tell her you want to remain on the subject at hand. If she persists in instigating, tell her you're going to hang up and end the call.
I wouldn't change anything with the bills until consulting with a lawyer, especially if it's causing financial hardship for you. Just let her know that you're not prepared to do that until you've spoken with an attorney.
Well I met with my attorney today and I officially have hired him. Haven't spoken with wife in a week. Today is our 2 year anniversary and I spent it at work filling out the questionaire from my attorney. It was surreal doing it, never ever expecting this to happen. She has been preparing herself for the divorce for 6 months and now I am faced with it's reality. I can only imagine it is going to get worse in the next few weeks. I am going to start a 2nd job just to pay my bills and now will be working 7 days a week. I see no communicating with her in the near future. I am sure she is going to be angry, I just sense it. She blames me for where we are at. And I am to blame, but the last 6 months I have tried very hard for our marriage to work, but I was held back by the walls she put up around her. I guess I am asking what should I do during the divorce process, I still want to reconcile but I am sure this is the farthest thing from her mind.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It sounds like you're facing things and bracing for the storm.
It's not unreasonable to expect that she will experience all sorts of ranging emotions from anger to blame, etc. You can't control her emotions, only yours. So make sure you keep a cool head if she tries to contact you. Don't take the bait and argue with her. End any conversation that's becoming destructive vs. constructive ASAP.
You'll only wear yourself out trying to penetrate the walls she's built. Whatever you've been doing the past 6 months hasn't worked. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and show consistency with the changes. She may see that and bring the walls down or she may not. Either way, you'll come out a better man in the end.
Try not to harbor bitterness or resentment towards her for the situation that you're in. It's easy to blame the other person for your emotional turmoil, increased workload to fight the financial strain, etc but being pissed won't change a thing except to wreck your sanity and inner peace. If you ultimately want reconciliation, then you're going to have to choose to look past any self-centered or angry behavior that she exhibits towards you. Be the bigger person and take accountability for yourself. With that said, don't let her treat you like a doormat. She needs to take accountability too. She just may not be ready to do that and you can't force her to. You can only change your attitude.
As far as the divorce process goes, I know your goal is to reconcile but if she's not ready, then you need to prepare yourself financially and emotionally for the divorce to go through. Read the boards with advice about going dark and stick with it.
In her mind, today is just 7/22. I know it's tough and today has special meaning for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you will be celebrating 7/22/16 with your wife.
