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Originally Posted By: Mozza
This is a fairly big development indeed and I like how you take it, from the perspective of the children's welfare. And you're right that it will come to light in due time. I think you said you're not so keen on R with W anymore, so I guess it helps to keep the focus on you.


and

Originally Posted By: SunnyB

I live in a city but in some ways my neighborhood is very small town. I'm always on the lookout for STBX, I'd rather poke my eye out with a spoon than accidentally run into him. But I guess it will happen eventually

I hope this move makes it easier on you and the girls instead of harder, Raliced. Take care.


It's true that I don't harbor any illusions about reconciling. I've never entirely ruled it out, either. But it seems like something that could only occur after years have gone by. I've never really had a grasp on what's going on with him but whatever it is - it seems pretty deep and profound.

And in the meantime - I'm pretty content to focus on me - and my plate is pretty full with primary custody, getting a graduate degree, trying to launch a small business, and after Dad's death- caring more frequently for my elderly mother.

All that being said- I would like it very much if OW went away - I could deal with another girlfriend much more easily. The idea of having this woman who encouraged and helped expedite the break up of my family being shoehorned into my life is distasteful. AS the father of my children - I'm stuck with STBX forever - but hopefully not with her.

So- I'm happy for the kids - but not sure what it might mean in terms of OW. I guess I will find out soon enough if she is staying with him(which really seems unlikely given that she has her own house) or if it is some other arrangement. I shudder that she might show up at my daughter's soccer games this fall. I can't imagine he would give me any kind of heads up. And heaven knows I don't want to bump carts with them at the grocery store. Hopefully, as Mozza says, if it does occur, it will be infrequent. Really- the whole living situation seems pretty mysterious, but it seems like living apart (even part time) would add some stressors to their relationship.

I confess I also had some anxiety that he might try to alter our custody agreement based on his new living arrangement. I'd be fine with a few more nights a week - but I'm pretty happy with our current arrangement


Originally Posted By: Mozza

Funny you say you're in charge of process improvements. In my last job, I created something called the "kaizen platform". I let you guess what it was about...


Yeah- you're in my wheelhouse, Mozza. I'm a Six Sigma Black Belt (I was right in the middle of the training when STBX bombed me last year and I just barely completed it)

Last edited by raliced; 07/21/15 03:50 PM.

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Originally Posted By: raliced
And in the meantime - I'm pretty content to focus on me - and my plate is pretty full with primary custody, getting a graduate degree, trying to launch a small business, and after Dad's death- caring more frequently for my elderly mother.

Small business? Wow. On top of the rest? I'm impressed.

Originally Posted By: raliced
All that being said- I would like it very much if OW went away - I could deal with another girlfriend much more easily. The idea of having this woman who encouraged and helped expedite the break up of my family being shoehorned into my life is distasteful.

Interesting. I've never really thought of OM that way. I believe he played a role too in my W's decision to leave. I see him as a given. In fact, I don't like the idea of my WW being single again, on the market and dating. Anyway, just sharing my interest in your perspective.

Originally Posted By: raliced
it seems like living apart (even part time) would add some stressors to their relationship.

Actually, and just because I always say it when the opposite (moving in) occurs, I will say that seeing each other part time is actually a good thing for a relationship. Living together brings up a whole set of issues, in part because we can't hide the boring stuff (bad moods, cleaning, fixing, filing) from our partner and because what is rare is more valuable. Let's try not to read too much into it, but to me it's rather the addition of a new home in their life that seems like a bad sign of how things are going between them, like they need a little distance. End of speculation.

Originally Posted By: raliced
I confess I also had some anxiety that he might try to alter our custody agreement based on his new living arrangement. I'd be fine with a few more nights a week - but I'm pretty happy with our current arrangement

I understand your stress in face of this uncertainty. Depending on what you want, I'd say that 50/50 is the least you can hope for, so consider anything better that you get (whether it's less or more) as a gift in the meantime.

As for the black belt, I won't challenge you to a process improvement fight because I've never had any kind of training in the field! [bow]


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Raliced, I'm with you. At this point I don't care who STBX is with except for the duck. I will never accept a woman who thought walking out on his wife and kids was the right thing to do. Never. I'd really prefer to get along with a future wife of his, it would be easier for everyone. But I do draw the line at her, that will never happen. She's not someone I want my kids around.



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raliced Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Mozza

Originally Posted By: raliced
All that being said- I would like it very much if OW went away - I could deal with another girlfriend much more easily. The idea of having this woman who encouraged and helped expedite the break up of my family being shoehorned into my life is distasteful.

Interesting. I've never really thought of OM that way. I believe he played a role too in my W's decision to leave. I see him as a given. In fact, I don't like the idea of my WW being single again, on the market and dating. Anyway, just sharing my interest in your perspective.


and
Originally Posted By: SunnyB

Raliced, I'm with you. At this point I don't care who STBX is with except for the duck. I will never accept a woman who thought walking out on his wife and kids was the right thing to do.


Some interesting discussion. Mozza- I have to say that I feel absolutely zero attraction for STBX and in all honesty, do not feel jealousy where he is concerned. I guess I feel that he and OW have actively harmed me - they've taken away a big chunk of my time with my children, have blown up the family I held dear, slashed my financial security and frankly, more or less upended my world. I'm going to be blunt here - for those reasons, I do in fact sometimes think of them as the enemy. I'm stuck with STBX - but would rather not have the other one constantly popping into my life. I don't want to speak for Sunny, but it sounds like she has similar feelings.

I should also comment that I would far prefer it if STBX was out and about dating (as long as he didn't bring casual dates around the kids). He and I are a long ways off from having an effective co-parenting relationship. And her presence makes it more difficult. For example- a few weeks D7 came home wearing a shirt with Barbie on it that said "Born To Shop!". That's not really the tone I want to strike with my daughters. Someday I would like to be able to talk to him about these kinds of things (after all D7 will be a tween in a few years and we will have to hold a consistent line about her wardrobe choices) - but OW picked the shirt out - and he's pretty defensive where she is concerned - so I didn't bother.


Originally Posted By: Mozza

Let's try not to read too much into it, but to me it's rather the addition of a new home in their life that seems like a bad sign of how things are going between them, like they need a little distance. End of speculation.


I know. I know. Speculating is bad - but really hard to avoid. Primarily, because I guess I am little nervous that this is a step towards integrating her further into our lives. STBX has D3 tonight. When I dropped her at daycare there was a large black pickup parked across the street that has never been there before. My daughters have previously mentioned that OW drives a big black truck - so of course I wondered if that was her watching me. And I hate that feeling of not knowing what the heck is going on. I know that probably sounds neurotic, but it's hard not to speculate when there is so much unknown.

I know all will eventually become clearer and I will deal with whatever comes - but after a year of this - I was hoping for smoother waters.


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This is an interesting discussion, I too wish H was seeing anyone else apart from ow, I would even prefer him to be dating several others. And I totally agree raliced, it's the whole getting involved with a married man thing, and helping to get him away from his family.

I also sympathise with not knowing what's going on in his life, it's like that for me too and I hate how it feels like I'm in a goldfish bowl where he gets to find out what's happening with me.

You've had such a difficult time raliced I'm glad you've got lots of exciting projects coming up to keep you focused. I rarely post here but I do catch up with everyone's threads especially the ones who joined db around the same time as myself.
Take care x


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Hi Stacey! How are things? Give us an update?



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Happy Antiversary to me! I realized this morning that yesterday was the anniversary of my BD and I somehow got through the whole day without thinking about it. I suppose that's good - I'd hate to go through the rest of my life with a big red circle around July 23rd.

Where am I at? I have a pretty full life, I take even more pleasure in being a mother, I've steered the ship to pretty calm waters professionally and financially since that day, although many challenges remain. I find many of my GAL activities enriching - I couldn't believe how excited I was to start coaching another season of soccer.

Am I happy? Mmmmm....I wouldn't go that far. I think I still settling. But I find pleasure in many things in my life. Still absolutely no desire to seek out any romantic relationships. I think that's good.

As to STBX - as I've mentioned earlier in my thread, my Dad's death just seems to have stirred up a lot of negative emotions about him. Much of the anger has passed, but I'm still processing things. He had D3 yesterday. I sent him a note asking him to return some of the clothes that have never returned from his place on previous visits because I want them for when we travel next week. He emailed me that he had found most of them but when I looked at the bag yesterday he had included a bunch of size 8 clothes that are clearly intended for D7 and furthermore are not "mine". They must have been picked out by OW. There was a time when I would have laughed at this - at the moment I found it extremely irritating. Then when I took her to her swim lesson I found out that he had skipped it the previous day without telling me. I don't even know why that bugs me right now (I've skipped a few) but it does.

Now I will be heading off to spend a week with my daughters and his family at his childhood with pictures of him all around. Should be a good test for me.


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Hey raliced! I think you are sounding great these days. Honestly, I hope I handle the whole D thing as well as you.

I'm currently on vacation with STBX's family. Pictures of him all around. Pictures of us together. I just have to remind myself that these moments did exist and I would never want to erase them, they are part of my make-up, part of me. I can imagine a day that I would bring a new H here and there will be pictures of all of us. (I know some of you are cringing right now but I'm serious.).

Wishing you peace and, yes, happiness realized. wink



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^^^^^^^^

Agree

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hang in there, R. Good stuff is just around the corner:)



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