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#2590463 07/22/15 08:01 AM
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little1 Offline OP
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Hello everyone. This is hard. I have spent the last few days just reading and trying to make since of everything. I will get started and tell you my story.

I am 44yo, H is 46, 3 DD's 22, 18, and 15yo and a DS 2.5 yrs old. Married 21 years-before he left. First bomb drop was in Feb 2014. Second was July 19, 2014. Left July 20, 2014. Moved right in with the OW. From everything I have read this is a MLC. So as you can see I just hit the 1 year mark of him leaving. I think this all started when we got pregnant with our DS. I did not do well with pregnancies. And then when our DS was born, he was born very sick.

Their relationship started as an EA in Jan. 2014, became a PA in March 2014. Only because he was a truck driver. She was my friend and former co-worker. Background on her. Year younger than me, has 3 adult children and grandchildren, and married and divorced 2x.

When he first left EVERYTHING, communication, talking and seeing the kids, everything was a hit and miss. I read every article, book, anything I could get my hands on. Trying to figure out what this was and what was happening. He saw the kids maybe once a month. If that often. When he first left he wanted a divorce. Then it went to LS. Now there is no discussion. I did not talk relationship, keep conversations light, everything. A few months ago he started talking about coming home. He even started reconnecting (at least attempting to) with the children. Then I pushed. Way too hard. And it sent him running backwards. I made the huge mistake of letting my guard down. And now we are at square one.

So I started reading again and implementing things I have read. I have one boundry in place. (I am sure I need more but one is good). Our son is NOT to be around the OW. I am sticking with that. I have several reasons for that.

I have no one to talk to regarding all of this. My 2 younger daughters, though are very angry with their father, are supporting me, whereas my oldest daughter and parents are angry, want me to file for divorce, and don't support me. None of my friends have been through this so I have no one. So I have my journal that I write in daily. I am going to the doctor at the end of the month to get my meds redone and going again.

As you can see I tend to ramble or say things that will probably upset someone. I was on another forum and spent most of my time being yelled at and told what I was doing wrong. I will be hit and miss here for a bit because I do not have internet at home yet. Hopefully by next week I will.

I have a thousand questions. Some cant be answered, some are who cares about that, and some I have been able to find looking through topics.

I do not want a divorce and he knows it.
I do not ask questions except how was work type.
I do not text or call or email first. Since day one all communication is began by him.
I do not discuss the children unless he asks. For some reason I have it in my head if he cared he would be home with them.
I do things that interest me. My hobbies. Things I stopped doing because I had a family to take care of.
I do not tell him I love him. Well to him anyways.

I am sure there is more I can be doing. IF this is a MLC I know its a long bumpy road. There have been times I have gotten seasick along the way. But I am in this for the long run.

How do you get through something when you don't understand what happened or why?


Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
little1 #2590471 07/22/15 09:39 AM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2590473 07/22/15 10:34 AM
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little1 Offline OP
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Funny how when I was waiting for approval, I saw this list in someone elses post and read them all.

I do have one big question, and it may be answered in the books that I will reread this weekend.

It says believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do. I realize now they really can't tell the truth or they believe what they say is the truth. My H has said things that are out of the ordinary and they have to do with him coming home. Is that something I should file away in the back of my mind for now or completely ignore until he and the OW are done? I know nothing can happen until she is gone.


Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
little1 #2590476 07/22/15 10:56 AM
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Basically he is confused, so I would stick with believe none of what he says


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2590496 07/22/15 12:16 PM
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2590506 07/22/15 01:36 PM
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little1 Offline OP
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Right now i use my computer at work to visit and on my phone. And he doesn't live at home so I am good there. As for my books, I keep them stashed between the mattresses when he comes over.

I have been in this for a year now and it feels like there is no end in sight. I need to work on detaching now. I just don't know how.


Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
little1 #2590539 07/22/15 03:13 PM
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little1 Offline OP
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Journaling. I just got home from work and I am having a hard time. I have another week to go til I can see my doctor and get my meds again.

I went into my bedroom and saw my ds sleeping and it breaks my heart that my h is missing out on so much of him.

Why did ow become so important to h that he walked out?
Why doesn't he want me?
Why does it feel like he will forget about us?
Why does she get to make the rules regarding when and where he sees the children and I need to accept it? This one I don't and refuse to back down.
Why is it all about her and him?

I know these can't be answered or fall under the who cares if he does category, so please don't yell at me.

I'm trying. I wish I could figure out how to completely let go and not feel like I have given up. With my anxiety high my ocd is in overdrive and so is my mind.


Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
little1 #2590542 07/22/15 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted By: little1
I need to work on detaching now. I just don't know how.

FAKE it until you make it.

Start taking steps in the right direction and it will get easier as you go along.

Have you read the different detachment threads?

What can you do to start to detach?


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2590575 07/22/15 05:41 PM
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Hi Little, Welcome to the forum - think you will find it a supportive place. Your post caught my eye because our BD dates are so close. You've survived a tough year. Pat yourself on the back. Good for you!

A few comments from your posts

I do not want a divorce and he knows it. That's good. I would draw a distinction here - it's good if he knows you don't want a divorce because you feel divorce is not the answer and bad for your family. Not so good if thinks you don't want a divorce because you are clinging to him and can't stand on your own. It doesn't sound like you are doing that - but just keep it in mind
I do not ask questions except how was work type. Good
I do not text or call or email first. Since day one all communication is began by him.Good
I do not discuss the children unless he asks. For some reason I have it in my head if he cared he would be home with them.Good
I do things that interest me. My hobbies. Things I stopped doing because I had a family to take care of. Great! Let's hear more about those!
I do not tell him I love him. Well to him anyways. Great!

You mention you aren't sure if your husband is in MLC - make sure you read some posts in that forum - maybe some of them will hit home and feel familiar to you. I will share that I have had two therapists tell me they thought my STBX was in a MLC - but when I read the stories in the MLC forum, it never really felt like he was in that league - which is why I still hang out over here in Newcomers.

Now onto these:

Why did ow become so important to h that he walked out?
Why doesn't he want me? The answer to these questions is probably the same - I doubt it has much to do with you - your H is trying to fill a hole in himself with the thrill and excitement of a new romance. Sure - there may have been problems in your marriage - but he chose a destructive way to deal with them
Why does it feel like he will forget about us? Well - that's a natural fear given his behavior the last year.
Why does she get to make the rules regarding when and where he sees the children and I need to accept it? This one I don't and refuse to back down. Can you elaborate on this?
Why is it all about her and him? You do have some choice on this one. Your life isn't all about him and her. The more you develop those GAL activities and cultivate the other relationships in your life, the less you will feel this way.


Originally Posted By: little1


I have no one to talk to regarding all of this. My 2 younger daughters, though are very angry with their father, are supporting me, whereas my oldest daughter and parents are angry, want me to file for divorce, and don't support me. None of my friends have been through this so I have no one. ......
As you can see I tend to ramble or say things that will probably upset someone. I was on another forum and spent most of my time being yelled at and told what I was doing wrong.


I am in a similar position IRL. There isn't a lot of divorce in my world - that's why these boards are helpful and I think you will find them to be a supportive place.

Is your H supporting you financially?

Last edited by raliced; 07/22/15 05:44 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
raliced #2590581 07/22/15 05:52 PM
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little1 Offline OP
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Interests. I have gotten back into my needle work and reading. I have a box of S. King books to read. My favoritea author. I go for walks and hikes. I don't go out to bars and things like that. I never have. Iddomt go out much because I am a homebody but also due to my work schedule my days off my daughter's go spend time with their friends because they babysit my son.

She wants to be involved in all decisions regarding the children. And she wants my h to take my son over therename not have visits here. There are several personal and medicalreasons I say no to that. The biggest being they are not hers and she has no right to say anything

He gives me half of his base paycheck every payday deposited into my account and if there are extras for the kids he does purchase those. Again much to her offense. The kids tell me about the things she says.


Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
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