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Hi everyone I have been reading posts on here for about 3 weeks. I have read DR and have spoken to a coach 2x now.
I have started applying the principles and need help staying the course. First I guess I should tell you my story........

I met my wife Oct 2010 and we got married Oct 2012...Fairytale romance. FYI we are a lesbian couple.
She was the perfect partner, treated me like a queen.
We were perfect together and so happy.
There really had only been one reoccurring problem, me wearing my ring and being out at work.

It was hard for me since I work in the medical field and did not want to be judged by my patients.
I was hoping she would eventually understand that, but she never did.
That it was not about her, not loving her, or claiming her(not being claimed was something she told me after this all started, I guess she has felt that way in past relationships).
Everytime we would argue it was about this, so like every 6 months.
I guess I just kept hoping she would understand. We never really would come out with a solution.

She compromised and said wear it on the weekends. To me the situation was or shouldn't be a big deal because I showed her how much I loved her everyday.
To me a ring is just a symbol.
In Oct 2013 I took her to a halloween party my co-worker threw ( I told her and showed her wedding pics etc), but my other co-workers didn't know.
I didn't mean to ambush her when we got there, but I told her that they didn't know yet so I would introduce her as my friend.

She got really upset and it took awhile for us to move past that. She said not to put her in this situations anymore.
After that we resumed life and were happy.

She told me that she wasn't happy around june 2014, I was crushed. I couldn't understand why she wasn't happy.
She listed some things I could do to improve this (make her tea at night, not spend as much money) At the time I was dealing with an injury and I got a little depressed because I have always worked out and been really active so I was buying things (shoes etc) not big expensive items.
Things went back to normal... Later on I realized that should would burying her feelings because she did not want to upset me, so she slowly built resentment.
I realize now I was unapproachable because I would get upset and cry (one of things I have worked on) Communication was one of the biggest downfalls for us.

Then end of March 2015 we did a 5k with my work, I had told everyone at work except my boss.
We were driving and she asked if she was my friend or wife today. This was the straw that broke the camels back according to her. At first the fight was the same as the others in the past.
I thought things were going to be ok, but then it was like something flipped in her.
That same week I did everything to fix the problem.
I told my boss and wore my ring to work, but it still didn't help. She got worse and worse.

We went to couples therapy right away, but the first lady was horrible and basically chose my wifes side.
It was at that time I also went IC.
My wife was inconsistent with going to couples counseling (cx because of work etc). She would stay away as much as possible from our house and me (staying for work dinners, dinner with friends etc).
The end of April I also found out she was talking to someone.
I overheard her talking late at night.
(I moved into the guest room by this time) I checked the phone records and she talked to this person at all times, late at night, during the day for hours.
I figured out it was someone she had met at her new job a month ago.

I was devastated, because everything pointed to her cheating on me. I confronted her and she said it was a friend that was straight that was going through a divorce. She has denied any affair, emotional or physical up to this point. I want to believe this, but it hard.
I have chosen to believe her because it doesn't really matter at this point.
I know she still texts, but she separated our cell counts mid may.
We went to a few sessions with the new couples therapist and one day she says she wants a divorce.
I felt like my life was over....

I beg, pleaded, everything your not supposed to do.

It was like I didn't know this person, it was someone completely different.
I felt there was nothing I could do.
I took down all of our pics in our house (beautiful wedding pics). She left me a note wanting to talk in the morning.
In the AM I told there wasn't much to talk about other than logistics (selling house, splitting dogs).
She asked where the pictures were and I asked why did it matter, she said because they were her pics too.
I told her I didn't want this divorce (balling by this point) and that she could file the paperwork if thats what she wanted.
She said there was other options and that we would go to therapy and talk about it.
So I will stop here and continue in another post

Last edited by Cadet; 07/22/15 04:03 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability

M: 32 W: 35
M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple
W "unhappy" April 2015
D first asked for mid May 2015
2nd D end of June 2015
D papers in hand, just have to sign
Start of piecing 8/20/15
A confirmed 1/2/15
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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I've learned the hard way that the crying just makes them even more on guard, even if we as the LBH spouse feel very upset. Nowadays if I feel that way I just leave the situation completely. Gotta go. bye talk to you later type of thing.

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PT33 Offline OP
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Continuing my long story......
So we continued to go to couples therapy the last half of may and first half of june.
The therapist would tell me how much I had grown in just a few weeks.
Sessions were unproductive because it was just rehashing the past, we weren't moving forward.
This was because of my W.
She couldn't move past her anger and forgive me.
Couples therapist had suggest she see an IC, but she never went. Half way through June 2015 she said she did want to go to therapy anymore because it wasn't helping and it gave her anxiety.
Let me give you some background...My W has really bad anxiety and probably should be on meds.
I did not know the extent of her anxiety until recently.
She was able to hide it very well.
I feel like it controls her now.
She also had a rough childhood and was in a few relationships where she was mentally/emotionally abused. Anyways instead of going to therapy she wanted to just be "normal".

Again I was heartbroken because if we didn't talk about our relationship how was it going to get better?
So of course I was doing all the wrong things (all of them listed in DR).
I was having a hard time detaching and realizing this was not the same person I married. I was in disbelief. I wanted to understand.
So the things I was doing was pushing her away.
End of june she told me she didn't have it in her to try anymore and that she had been trying for the last yr.

It would have been nice if I had known that.
She said she wasn't happy.
I told her that I love her and that we are worth saving, blah blah blah.
All the things you are not supposed to do and say.

As a last resort I suggested that she take the month of july and see a therapist.
I did not tell her that I thought I was not the sole cause of her unhappiness.
I have learned through this process that a person doesn't make you happy, you make yourself happy and that person just makes your life that much better.
I think she has a lot of issues she has to work through like letting go of anger and learning to forgive.
I am hoping that this will help us.
She has been going every week, the first 2 weeks she went twice a week.
Last week it seemed like she had a rough session.

I started the DB 3 weeks ago. I started to see results pretty quickly. I stopped asking questions about what her plans were etc, physical touch, crying in front of her.
I try to always be positive and cheerful when Im around her. We go to the gym in the AM four days a week and she started to smile at me and talk more etc when we interact.
She also complimented me on my body.

2 Saturdays ago she came into my room ( I hate saying that) at 630 AM and said she had a bad dream and if she could come in bed with me.
We cuddled and slept for 3 more hours.
I have been trying to GAL and not wait around for her. Typically she leaves Saturdays and goes and does whatever she wants, sometimes she stays the night(says she gets a hotel) or comes back late.
She hasn't been staying the night as much as she was. She is also starting to be home more.
Anyways 2 weekends ago she came home on Sunday(typically we hang out, she is usually in a bad mood) I was not there, trying to show her I am GAL.
When I came she was asking what I was doing.
I was just brief and didn't give her details.

I told her I picked up our contacts and I would have to give her money when I was paid this week (she separated our money the end of April, killed me made me feel like I was after her money.)
I barely get by because we split all the bills/mortgage. Last month and half she always trys to pay for things, first month she didn't care.
She said not to worry about paying for the contacts, I told her no that I could do it and I didn't want her to think I was using her for her money.

She spoke to me like she used to and said "honey its ok don't worry about" as she was saying this stroked my face and hugged me.
First time in a long that she intiated physical touch. Rest of day was good and felt more like us.
My twin lives with us ( i will elaborate in a later post about that), we have the same phone and my wife saw a text from a girl, she thought it was my phone!!!

She later asked me what girl was texting me all jealous like. I told her that wasn't my phone.

Anyways a little more to the story, but I will post again later.

Last edited by Cadet; 07/22/15 03:59 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability

M: 32 W: 35
M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple
W "unhappy" April 2015
D first asked for mid May 2015
2nd D end of June 2015
D papers in hand, just have to sign
Start of piecing 8/20/15
A confirmed 1/2/15
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Please hit carriage return after every period,
you must be posting from your phone.

This is hard to read


Me-70, D37,S36
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PT33 Offline OP
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Hi cadet
I am not posting from my phone. I'm not sure what I am doing wrong. What is a carriage return?


M: 32 W: 35
M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple
W "unhappy" April 2015
D first asked for mid May 2015
2nd D end of June 2015
D papers in hand, just have to sign
Start of piecing 8/20/15
A confirmed 1/2/15
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Originally Posted By: PT33
Hi cadet
I am not posting from my phone. I'm not sure what I am doing wrong. What is a carriage return?


It is also known as the Enter key and puts spaces into your post so they are not one big block of type that is nearly impossible to read.

I have edited both your posts to make them more readable.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
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PT,

I am sorry that you're here for really lousy reasons. We are an incredible supportive community with like-minded people who want to support their marriages.

I am a gay woman. There are several other gay women posters around various forums in DBland.

HeavyD (Newcomers)
DifRent (Newcomers)
WMB (Newcomers)
Jer (MLC--rarely posts)

Keep coming here...to get more traffic back to your thread, you would want to post in other threads that resonates with you. Virtual friendships are made here and they're a wonderful bunch of people. smile

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PT33 Offline OP
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Thank you wonka, I have read a lot of your posts and have already learned a lot. I still have more to post here and I am going to start posting in other forum.


M: 32 W: 35
M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple
W "unhappy" April 2015
D first asked for mid May 2015
2nd D end of June 2015
D papers in hand, just have to sign
Start of piecing 8/20/15
A confirmed 1/2/15
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