You should be busy out GAL, being mysterious, keep conversations short but friendly, let him be jealous of wondering where you are.
Maybe don't be home when you know he is arriving. Or be dressed up and heading out the door, if he asks where - you could say 'meeting some friends' with a smile on your face and leave it at that.
Do not initiate any R talk
Good luck!
Oh and ... Know that not one thing you do or don't do will make or break whatever outcome in the future. Do NOT have sex with him! I bet he is going to expect you to be clingy, try to initiate sex and R talks --- so do the opposite. None of that!
T0 nailed it. Your job when H is home is to act like in the week you didn't speak to him, you had an epiphany. You realized that this may not be what you want, but you're going to be fine. Actually, you're going to be better than fine. You're going to be HAPPY.
Since it seems, according to the information you have provided, you have been really weak and clingy in front of H since BD, it's very important for you to remember these things:
1. You can't talk sense into him. Don't even try. Don't mention the separation. Don't mention the OW. Don't mention your relationship with him. Don't mention your changes. And don't repeat your wish to save your M. Don't repeat that you're going to "stand" or fight for your M. You've already said it once. He knows. If you repeat it, you look like a weak doormat. Don't go there. You're not a weak doormat. If he tells the kids about the A, fine. Your kids are grown, yes? If your kids ask you questions, be honest with them. Don't make digs against your H. But don't lie to them if they ask you questions.
2. Have plans to go out, but don't tell H about your plans. Dress like a million dollars. Wear a new perfume. New jewelry. Be mysterious. Don't be mean. Don't be short and snarky. Be light and breezy. Yes, you're going to feel like you're dying on the inside. No, your new attitude will not drive him away ... as long as you're not being sappy or b!tchy in the meantime. In fact, your new attitude is going to make him a little curious. He may ask you where you're going. Smile and say, "Out with friends," then keep on moving. He may ask you what time you'll be getting home. In passing, say in an upbeat way: "Not sure! Probably late. Make yourself at home. Don't wait up!" Will this make him feel like you're moving on without him? Yep. It will. And despite how you're feeling right now, that's EXACTLY what he needs to see. Because the truth is: No matter what he decides, you WILL be okay. I'm not asking you to be cheerful and happy to mask your feelings of hurt and pain and rejection. I promise I'm not. I know those feelings are real, and there's a time and a place for you to deal with them, alone and with safe, trusted friends. Your H isn't safe right now, and you can't trust him. He has fired you as his W, and he thinks he's already found your replacement. He is disrespecting you - and your M - to your face. What I AM asking you to do is to believe in you. I'm asking you to try to have a positive attitude while his eyes are on you. I'm asking you to do something that makes you feel good about yourself - strong and powerful and confident, just like you were before you met him. (THOSE are the attributes that made him fall in love with you in the first place, right? Would he have fallen in love with you if you were clingy and weak and needy and sappy? Of course not!) I'm asking you not to fall to pieces in front of him - in anger OR in pain. Don't let him see you sweat. Don't give him that power. If you need to fall apart, do it when he isn't around. You've earned it. Cry your heart out. But not in front of him. More than anything, I'm asking you to gift yourself some dignity in the face of your long-time H having an unrepentant A in your face. This is to make YOU feel better. It has nothing to do with him. You walk around that house like you are the ruler of the roost. Because, sweetheart, you ARE. Don't let him allow you to forget that. There may be a time for you to listen to your H and to validate his feelings. Right now - while he's in the middle of an A - is NOT the time.
3. DO NOT have sex with him. This is in consideration of your health and life. He may try to initiate it just to see if he still has you where he wants you: Plan B. Don't give him that. As Starsky says, people - and most definitely men - want most that which is difficult to obtain. You're not easy. Leave "easy" to the OW. Your his W, and, yes, you should be able to ML to your H. But he's not your H right now. He's someone else's sexual play toy. I know that hurts to hear. But you should rest assured that that's usually ALL affair partners are: ego boosters and sex toys. And they often get discarded just like broken sex toys as soon as the fun wears off. Trust this.
4.. Do whatever you wish with your rings. That's a personal choice. If I were your H, I'd find it odd - and, frankly, a little pathetic - that you started wearing your marriage-related jewelry AFTER I had left you in part to spend time with OW. I understand the ring only fits now - congratulations on your weight loss; I love hearing when people here are able to do it in a healthy way like GAL and bike riding ... I lost 20 pounds from not being able to eat when my H left (unhealthy as heck, but I couldn't stomach food) - but the locket? Why would you wear something so sentimental, that represents your M, while your H is choosing to spend nights with a woman who is working right alongside him to try to destroy your M?
It's time to get a little angry about your sitch, sweetie. It's time to take your power back. It's time to take your dignity back. Don't let him chip away at those things for one more second.
He's only going to be home for a limited time for this visit. Make it count. Give him something to think about. I bet OW will be the one wringing her hands and pacing the floors, wondering what he's doing with YOU while he's at home. Be the better woman. (You ARE the better woman, so BE HER.) At the end of his time here, make sure you've left an impression on him so that when he looks at OW again, he thinks: Geez. I think I've been backing the wrong horse lately. You and I KNOW he has. Time to show him.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Another fear I have regarding the LRT is that it may be more of the same.
Everybody who lands here - and I'm not exaggerating - says this. very. same. thing. I said it, too.
That's FEAR talking. And that's all it is.
The first thing you have to drop is fear.
Let me say this: If your H had just moved away from you, emotionally, over the years and you guys were reduced to glorified roommates, then being more attentive, more affectionate, more validating, etc. would be a great course of action to try to save your M. But when your H is in an A? It's simply not the same deck of cards. Think of the message it would send to him if you are more attentive and affectionate and validating when your HUSBAND is outright telling you he is intimate with another woman!
Yuck!
Sooooooo unattractive.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Thank you for your response. I was beginning to think I was doing something wrong.
Yes, I was 15 and he was 16 when we started dating. H was just telling me in Feb how much he loved me and our kids. How much he needs all of my love and I said me too. Played romantic music for me. We had a great sex life and he even has said we've had a great marriage. So I was totally blindsided by his stating he thought he needed to be alone. He said he needed to find fulfillment, and that he loved me on many levels but just didn't feel the same about us. He kept saying things were complicated when I'd ask about what he needed to be fulfilled. Yes definitely a MLC!
This year he has been away for work a lot more. I finally got out of him that he had met someone at work and that he'd been calling her. He said he was going to take some time to himself (3weeks) and figure things out. I asked if OW was going to be there and he said that yes for part of the time. I was a complete basket case when he was away. Especially when I knew they would be together. I told him before he left if he had sex with her, we'd be done. Well he did but I'm still here.
He said while he was away to consider us separated. In his mind then he doesn't believe he cheated! WTH? He told his mother about OW and she told him to follow his heart. She's totally ok with him meeting up with her this summer, meeting her family, and giving her a ring. What a piece of work!!
Our kids don't know about what's happening. At first my H wanted to separate and move out as soon as he came back after his 3wk "break" but then he thought to wait to tell the kids until my son graduated. During the 2.5 months before graduation we continued acting as if we were still a couple. We hung out with family, friends, and went on bike rides. We had sex a few times too. He was reluctant and felt it was wrong but I said that I was still his wife so why not?
The OW lives across the country so he could only talk to her by phone/text. I put her out of my mind and thought if I could reconnect with him, we'd stand a chance. And we were connecting until he said that he could feel me pulling him towards me and that he needed to make a "clean break" from me and move out when he gets home in Sept.
So the plan was to tell the kids after the summer. He was supposed to be away all summer for work and with the OW. My daughter, who doesn't live at home, started asking when dad was coming home. Then she just came out and asked what's going on. I texted my H and told him he'd have to talk to the kids. He said he didn't want to do it over the phone so that is why he is flying home for 2weeks to talk to them in person.
Like i said, the first 1.5 weeks he was away, I was constantly texting and emailing him. After he called my on my birthday, I did a 180 and stopped all communication. Maybe that's part of the reason he's coming home? Maybe wishful thinking.
I got all this feedback at the same time. A lot to read and consider. I will definitely stop being a doormat. I know I've been doing that. And no more sex! But damn I miss it
I took off my necklace but will keep my ring on for now. I guess I put it on because it symbolizes the commitment we made. My H is very sentimental too so I thought it may spark something in his memory/heart. Who knows anymore. He's not himself that is for sure!
He told me what flight he was coming in on. Normally I'd pick him up from the airport but he didn't ask yet and he's due in tomorrow afternoon. I'm not sure what his plans are for getting home...
" He's only going to be home for a limited time for this visit. Make it count. Give him something to think about. I bet OW will be the one wringing her hands and pacing the floors, wondering what he's doing with YOU while he's at home. Be the better woman. (You ARE the better woman, so BE HER.) At the end of his time here, make sure you've left an impression on him so that when he looks at OW again, he thinks: Geez. I think I've been backing the wrong horse lately. You and I KNOW he has. Time to show him."
Wow, that's quite the pep talk Train! Thanks so much
I'm sure he will bring it up. So far I've told him he can sleep in the spare room or downstairs. I'm starting school in Sept. which is going to be a big expense so financially it makes sense for him to stay. Also, it would be more difficult to show I'm GAL and doing 180s if he isn't here to see it.
What's the consensus about moving out vs separated living?
but will keep my ring on for now. I guess I put it on because it symbolizes the commitment we made. My H is very sentimental too so I thought it may spark something in his memory/heart. It won't. If anything, in the middle of an active A, it'll do exactly the opposite. And this tells me that you're thinking that your actions can change your H's mind. The *only* thing that *might* make him doubt his decision to move on in life without you is a credible fear that he might be losing you. That's something you can't relay in words; it has to be through *actions*. You need to remember who you are and what you are made of. And then get a little angry that your H has disrespected you. Don't show him anger. Show him confidence.
I'm starting school in Sept. which is going to be a big expense so financially it makes sense for him to stay. Also, it would be more difficult to show I'm GAL and doing 180s if he isn't here to see it.
What's the consensus about moving out vs separated living? If, in your mind, you depend on him for financial reasons, that is a weakness in you. He will smell it a mile away. I know it would be easier, financially, for him to be there. The question is: would it be easier in the long run on your PMA and your heart?
People differ in opinions on whether it's best to live together or apart during LRT. I think it depends on the "case." If you can effectively DB while he's in the house - in other words, if you're strong enough to get your own, personal groove back while he's having an unrepentant A right in your face, day-in and day-out - then I don't see a down-side to him staying in the house. Like you said, then he could see your 180s far more often than if you're living separately.
I think, however, most people are not strong enough to handle that, even if they try to convince themselves they are. I don't even think I would have been. I actually liked (relatively speaking) living separately from my H while he was in his A. The times he was gone allowed me down-time to decompress. I had time and space to fall apart when I needed to. I didn't have to be "on my game" all the time. Does that sound like I was "acting" in front of him? It does. And I was. I was acting in front of him the way I saw myself when I could finally and completely drop the rope. I was acting like the person I wanted to be until I could actually become that girl, which I knew would take time. I was able to find myself a little more when my H wasn't here. And when he was here, I had the strength to get up, take good care of myself, look my best, be neighborly-friendly ... and then walk away, on the way to my own big plans that he didn't have a right to know a thing about.
And as I walked away, I felt good. I felt strong. I began remembering who I was and what I was made of. So that when H left to go back to OW, I still felt a little stronger than I did the time before. And eventually, I grew willing to walk away completely because I realized, well, I could. And I could be happy.
And that's when everything started changing.
I don't think you should ASK your H to leave. You are very smart to stay in your bed and set him up in a different part of the house to sleep. You don't have to tell him that's what you're doing. Just set it up, and once he's home, continue with your personal nighttime routine as normal. When it's time to go to bed, cheerfully wish him a goodnight, go to your room and shut and lock the door. Have his accommodations set up, wherever he's going to sleep, before he even gets home.
That's the long answer. And it's not really an answer. But hopefully it provides some things for you to consider.
And listen, Nt, make sure you are not leaving this site up on your phone or computer while H is in town, okay? Delete all traces on your computer and/or phone. If H sees it, he's going to accuse you of trying to manipulate him. And it WOULD NOT be good.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
If I don't talk to him about our R how can I give the speech that Starsky has offered?
"But more importantly, you do NOT want to communicate endless patience. Instead of "I will wait for you," it's best to say "I won't live in an open marriage. I don't want a divorce, but neither will I allow myself and our family to be disrespected like this. You need to know that, and you need to know that I won't wait forever. We both have some big decisions to make."
My H is not the jealous type. Never has been so I don't know if going out with friends and telling him to not wait up for me would actually have any impact. Last time I did that he started sleeping in the spare room. So it had the opposite effect.
He's told me to go out and date. Probably to make himself feel better about what he's doing. He might like that I'm moving on with my life.
