Hello, I need some advice. I'm trying to do 180 but am not sure if it's the best action to take right now.
My H is working/vacationing across the country for the summer to return in Sept. Some of that time away will be spent with the OW. He considers us separated but he hasn't moved out yet.
Just before he left, we were getting really close. He said he wants to stay friends. We were bike riding, hanging out with friends/family and having fun together. I initiated sex a lot. He turned me down a lot but we did connect a few times. He says he doesn't want me to feel bad. He says I am sexy and beautiful but he felt it wasn't right for us to have sex and it made him feel bad.
So the first week and a half he was away I was trying to keep in contact with him by sending him one way texts and emails. I was a complete basket case! I actually stooped so low as to go into his email account to find out where he was. Saw that he bought her a ring and that my MIL was wishing them well. WTH? He found out I was in his email. He said he was angry but didn't want to waste energy on it. Then said it was just sad. I apologized and asked him to change his pswd so I wouldn't be tempted again.
He called me on my birthday with my prompting. At first the conversation was strained but by the end it was comfortable. We talked for an hour. On Thursday it'll be 1 week since that conversation. I haven't texted, emailed, or called him since. I feel not as crazy now because I do feel like I have some control over the situation but I am worried whether I'm doing the right thing. Isn't he going to get closer with the mistress if I don't keep in contact? Won't he feel like I don't care and that I can live my life without him? I'm afraid the 180 will backfire on me. Any advice is appreciated.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Won't he feel like I don't care and that I can live my life without him?
What you want is for him to feel like you DO care, but you CAN live your life without him, even though that's not what you wanted.
Does that make sense? If he knows he has you there, pining for him and tolerating his affair, and even willing to have sex with him . . . where's his incentive to end this destructive path he's on?
Have you attempted to set ANY boundaries with him since you found out about his affair?
I was too busy trying to win him back. The OW lives across the country so it's not like I had it in my face. I told him early on that if he slept with her we'd be over but then he did. He then used that against me and said that he would never say that to me. Then I said, "All women say that but I'm still here aren't I".
He keeps talking about moving out. I really don't want him to. I'm starting University in the fall and so is my son who has Aspergers. Financially and emotionally we need him here.
First let me say that I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You have a lot of really good questions regarding detaching and not wanting the 180 to backfire. Has the 180/no contact been for 1 week while he is away?
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Also, I told him that this OW and him are not going to work out. She lives across the country and the relationship started with lies. I told him this was just a blip in our marriage and that he would come back to me. I also said that I would wait for him. That made him cry.
I'm finding that having no contact with him makes me feel distant from him. Won't he be feeling the same thing? Now the OW can fill the space that I am leaving.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I was too busy trying to win him back. The OW lives across the country so it's not like I had it in my face. I told him early on that if he slept with her we'd be over but then he did. He then used that against me and said that he would never say that to me. Then I said, "All women say that but I'm still here aren't I".
Wow -- that's interesting. Can you see what happened here? "A", you didn't enforce the boundary you set, and there were absolutely NO CONSEQUENCES for him violating it. But then even worse, "B", he flipped it on you and tried to make YOUR boundary (and a perfectly reasonable one, too -- basically "I will not live in an open marriage") the reason that HE was now pulling away from you? Really??
Quote:
He keeps talking about moving out. I really don't want him to. I'm starting University in the fall and so is my son who has Aspergers. Financially and emotionally we need him here.
And he knows this, which is why he's continuing to do what he's doing. As long as you're conveying this neediness, he's not going to change. What steps can you take to reduce your dependence on him? I know this sounds harsh, but what would you and your son do if your husband were suddenly killed in an automobile accident? You've got to start planning that way, I'm sorry to say.
In the meantime, you need to come up with some boundaries that you can and WILL enforce. Because when you set one and allow it to be violated, without consequence, it then becomes even worse than if you'd never set it at all.
