Hi Haunted- I am so sorry. It is so hard to see all that on FB.
Have you considered blocking him from FB? Seeing all that may keep you focusing on him vs. keeping the focus on you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Why would he post pics on FB? Because he's acting out and thinks he's in love w/this woman. He wants the world to know that he's found his soulmate and wants to share his happiness w/the world.
Then there is another thought...maybe he figures you or some of your family/friends will see the photos and tell you about them. Once you know, he figures you will finally get the message that the marriage is over and file for divorce.
My advice, block him on FB. Advise your family/friends that you do not want to hear about what he's doing. Don't say one word to him about the photos. Try to stay calm and start educating yourself on your rights if a divorce should take place, i.e., in other words, get your ducks in a row.
Don't ever think that they are going to live a wonderful life. Eventually the shine will wear off of this new and wonderful person and then the routine will set in...but it takes time. They have to have plenty of time to get use to each other and then the lies that they've told each other will surface the warts and cracks will begin to show and this all has to happen on it's own.
You, on the other hand, have to stay strong and start thinking about what you want and how you are going to move forward. Protect yourself and your family at all costs. Seek the advice of an attorney now and do not share that info w/your h. Do not agree to any financial divisions, etc. w/o speaking to an attorney to get the best advice possible. Your h will promise you the moon right now, but at the end of the day will not follow through on anything.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, I woke up sick as ever and went to the doctor. I have lost 22 pounds since I was there in June. I know the way that I have lost it is not healthy but hey it's 22 pounds.
I am still walking and sticking to nothing but water. I feel so much better about myself. I don't get so tired or hurt like I use to. I have a little more energy now.
I also went to see my therapist today. We had a good talk. I told her what set me back so we decided i needed to set some emotional boundaries for myself.
Also, I've been doing good with the no contact. Its really coming easier with time. I don't want to text him as bad. I really wanted to text him today and tell him about my weight loss but I kept myself from doing it. Sometimes, I have things like that i want to tell him.
I started back to college today. I am taking 4 online classes. I am excited and scared lol. But at least I will be focusing on those classes to make A's and that will help keep my focus off of things I don't need to focus on. Plus I need to keep up my grades so I can get accepted in the nursing program next fall.
My sleeping seems to be getting better as well as me crying. I only had the one set back and that was when I seen him Monday.
I am having problems with my daughter. Well, not really a problem but she stays right under me. If I go into another room, she goes. I just want to take all her pain away and her fears.
Well, I am going to go to bed. Hope everyone is having a great night!
Hi Haunted, I think it comes down to the whole 'opposites' thing in MLC. You were loved, and now are hated. You represent something (his 'former' life?) that he needs to get away from. His M to you is 'holding him back' from finding the happiness he seeks. He feels pressured by the fact that you even exist, and are a reminder of things he has done which may be hard to face...
It is a whole lot easier and more comfortable to 'blame' someone else for your own struggles, than honestly face them yourself. As his closest relationship, you come in for some of that blame.
The hatred will pass. I don't feel that from my H - more a regret that this had to happen, but he needs to get out and start a new life. But my H is very much a 'nice guy' and it takes a lot for his anger to show.
I've been reading some of the articles from the Hearts Blessings website lately. If you go onto her homepage and search for 'hate' some interesting stuff will come up about MLC and hatred. Her Q&As and articles are well worth a read I think. DB/DR touch on MLC, and recognise it can be central to marital troubles - but they don't give in-depth insight into dynamics, and this is where I have found Hearts Blessings helpful.
Also, try not to internalise what is happening for him. This is his own stuff that he is projecting on to you.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Someone can dislike/hate a person so much that they are willing to go to great lengths to bully, harm and even kill. People justify their negative feelings w/excuses of why they feel the way they do instead of thinking and looking within and asking themselves the most important question...why do I dislike/hate this person so much? Is it because I feel inadequate around this person? Do I feel threatened by this person?
If you are referring to your h, then you need to continue reading up on MLC. Do a search on the net and find information on their behavior. Some become very angry and hateful towards their spouses. They have to vilify the spouse in order to keep the anger and hateful actions going. They have to find ways to justify why they hate us so much. But, what it boils down to is that they truly are angry at themselves, the world, the authority figures that are/were in their lives and we just happen to be front and center and get the brunt of their anger. When he's like this, step away from him, do not engage and leave him be. If you are having a conversation w/him and he gets angry about the topic you are discussing, change the subject quickly to the weather or another general topic. By switching up the topic, he will become confused and anger will settle down.
Bottom line, he truly doesn't hate you. It's part of the MLC journey for him. He's grieving the death of old self. MLC is similar to the grieving we do for someone we have lost. Anger is one of the stages.
Please, do try not to take his behavior personally. You didn't break him, therefore you can't control and/or fix him. Try to keep your focus on you and your family.
Again, I am going to suggest that you do some additional homework and search for MLC and read up on it. Knowledge is power and then you will have a better understanding of what is going on and why.
Well, Friday evening he wanted to get our daughter. He promised her he would bring her back Sunday. So we took a chance and she decided to go.
He has texted me a few times telling me he is trying to get papers printed off to file for a divorce. He said he was gonna try to do it that way. My heart is shattered. I wish he would give it time, but if I were to tell him that, he would rush even more. I think his biggest hurry is because of women to try to get one. This info just makes me sick. He was asked publicly why he wanted to get one. He said because we don't get along anymore or love each other. Sure we didn't get along at times. I still love him. I believe he still loves me. I guess him telling this is better than the lies he was making up and telling. But it's still a shock to the heart. It's not something I want but I have no say in it basically. It really doesn't matter what I want or how I feel.
There is always hope, hope that in time he'll wake up and realize what he's losing. Yes, the MLCer will say things like "we've grown apart, we don't get along or the love is gone from the relationship". This is all part of the script for them. Why, because to them, they divorced us 18-24 mths prior to the bomb drop. They've had a head start to detach from us. Something during that time triggered the crisis and once it started, it can't be stopped. Sure, you can snatch them out of it, but they will eventually go back into crisis and the second time around is worse than the first time.
None of us wanted to hear the word "Divorce", but many of them are in a hurry to file because they want to leave their past in the past and look to the future for that illusive happiness. But...the secret is...they aren't looking within and as time moves along, they will attempt all sorts of things to find that happy feeling and when they do, it is short lived until the next thing comes along.
For now, you will need to start working on protecting your assets, watch the bills and ensure that they are getting paid (if he's paying them), watch your accounts and most importantly take care of yourself and your daughter.
Again, if you've not read up on MLC, I would suggest that you do so. Knowledge is power.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
