My husband and I have been married 9 years and together 10. In 2012, he up and left one day while I was at work. He packed up all his belongings. When I finally talked to him, he said he wasn't happy. He had been talking to other women before he left me, which I found out about afterwards. He had planned on leaving me for one of them. We were separated for a month and a half. We worked it out and decided to get back together. I ended up getting pregnant and having a miscarriage about a month later. Everything was good in 2013. Of course, we had our little arguments. 2014, my husband got injured at work and they fired him the next day. Ever since then he has been in a depression, can't hold jobs, not happy with himself. All of this led to bigger arguments, yelling, cursing each other, etc. This past year, I found out he had still been talking to other women. I asked him to move out so he did. We agreed to work on our problems and seek marriage counseling. He was here again for a little over a month. almost 2 weeks ago, he packed up his stuff while I was at work and left. He never told me he was leaving nor why. I had to hear it from his mother. He couldn't stand all the fighting and arguing anymore. He has since then went on to make me the bad guy. He hasn't been happy in years, he has been depressed because of me. There was never anything good about our marriage. I was abusive. The list goes on and on. He bashes me every chance he can on facebook. He finally told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, he wanted a divorce and he is not in love with me. He said he would not go back to marriage counseling, and didn't want to. He said he didn't want to start over because he didn't want to be with me. He has then been telling others he loves me because I am the mother of his child but he is not in love with me anymore. Now all he is doing is searching for women on dating sites, especially the younger ones. He is 43 years old.
He is avoiding me, won't hardly talk, doesn't want to be around me. He has barely spoken to the kids. When he has talked to them, he only called because they asked him to. My daughter begged him to come see her Sunday, he said he could next sunday but didn't want to be around me or me go anywhere. This is absolutely crushing me. I can't wrap my head around why he is avoiding me and doesn't want to be around me.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Today, I texted him. I know I know. I asked him if he wanted me to go ahead and file for divorce. He texted back really fast saying yes because that is what he wants. That really crushed me. I guess I was asking for it though with my question.
Haunted, I'm sorry to hear about what has been happening - but you are in good company here and will get some welcome support and advice.
Re, your text and your H's response. It is important to understand that when you push on things like this, your H will come back with an answer you don't want to hear. Have a look at the 37 rules and really think about them in terms of your own situation. It is worth reading and re-reading them. Some posters insert the name of their S to really make it go in.
If divorce isn't what you want, please don't go ahead and file. You can choose to apply the 'believe nothing they say' rule in this instance and keep moving forward. Extensive experience on this forum shows that spouses who once said they wanted a D, may change their minds at some point down the line. Don't lose hope.
The big thing to do is start shifting your focus off your H and onto YOU. Really start thinking about what you want from life going forward (whether or not your H chooses to participate.) Start moving towards this & reclaiming parts of yourself that may have become lost during your marriage. What did you enjoy that you let fall by the wayside?
Also, read some of the other sitches on this part of the forum. When you find ones that are similar to yours, you may want to post on them and benefit from the wisdom therein too. Above all, keep posting, keep your head above water, don't make drastic decisions and focus on you!
Good luck, Toots :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Look .. this is brutal .. MLC or not .. the approach is very much the same, only difference I feel between the two would be endurance.
Regardless ... sorry you are here as its tough. Like Toots said .. read the 37 ... GOLD in those hills
Another thing I would do if I were you ... Nuke FB for now, NOTHING good comes of it ... trust me, all that time spent basically 'stalking' and getting yourself worked up is counter productive, like Toots said .. you have to take the focus off H and place it inward ... dropping FB will help, and I know this is a shock .. FB will not implode without you there. Dump it for a bit till you are stronger.
Another good practice .. DO NOT initiate contact ... let him go for right now, he fired you ... and you would not go to work after they let you go. Important things about the kids ... ok .. but WATCH that ... simply temp checking by using the kids as an excuse will make him run further ... "S5 has a Dr appt concerning his big pinkie toe at 3" is ok ... But do not TM about "Little Sara looks so cute with blueberry jam on her face"
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do .. but the wonderful people here will and can walk you through this ... just remember its about YOU ... not your H.
I've read the 37. I also noticed in the comments of that post, one poster says if you are no longer living under the same roof, go dark? What is going dark?
I've read the 37. I also noticed in the comments of that post, one poster says if you are no longer living under the same roof, go dark? What is going dark?
Going dark is pretty much avoiding all contact, no face to face, no TM, no calls, no emails ... with kids its impossible so some of adopted 'dim'
Do not initiate any contact, let him contact you, reply in kind but always be the one who ends the conversation like you have something pressing to do.
I've read the 37. I also noticed in the comments of that post, one poster says if you are no longer living under the same roof, go dark? What is going dark?
Going dark is pretty much avoiding all contact, no face to face, no TM, no calls, no emails ... with kids its impossible so some of adopted 'dim'
Do not initiate any contact, let him contact you, reply in kind but always be the one who ends the conversation like you have something pressing to do.
Oh okay. Yeah, we have kids so that would be impossible. He hasn't talked to his daughter in a almost a week. He hasn't seen her in a little over a week.
I am just about done with this whole situation. Most days I feel like giving up. His mom speaks for him. It's so frustrating. if he wants me to know something, she will text. I don't respond though.
I feel so defeated because I believe she is filling his head with stuff still. She doesn't want us together so shes gonna do or say whatever to make sure it doesn't happen. Its sad that he listens to it.
