I’m 36, I have two girls 3 and almost 6. My wife is 34.
My wife left in early July after a month of detaching after I yelled at her one evening on June, 13).
She left last summer in June (2014) as well, and I blubbered her back into coming home after 3 weeks. There were no boundaries made, or rules set.
I agreed at that time to go to counseling which i have done for a year, and we did marriage counseling at the university where she works. At the conclusion she said she thought the relationship was a lot better.
Over the year I have improved tremendously, but still had issues with validating her feelings and bouts of impulsive anger. The difference between the me then and the me now is pretty drastic I think, but it obviously wasn't enough for her to stay.
After i yelled at her (about 5 seconds and including profanity) because i was annoyed at my brother and I didn’t feel she was ‘on my side’ she was upset and tried to talk to me twice. I was still irritated (not mad at her) and didn’t see her.
I fell asleep putting my daughter to bed and thus it wasn’t resolved that night. Basically the way I acted a year and a half ago came back. No apology, going to bed mad, etc.
The next afternoon when I asked to her to talk she said she didn’t want to. Then the sound in her voice made me know her leaving was coming.
Over the next weeks there was a lot of ‘if you love me you need to let me go.” and she also said she “was not in love with me anymore.” That “We will always be together because of the girls” and she hopes we will still be great friends.”
Basically all the stuff I’ve now read is textbook for this kind of thing.
We’ve been married 9 years and together 18 years. Over the past year I’ve fallen more in love with her than it seems like ever before, but in that time she says every time she felt love coming back it was destroyed by a disagreement or argument. Then when I yelled at her she felt nothing and decided that she doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. She thinks about being alone and it’s a huge relief. She “doesn’t believe in the idea of marriage anymore” and thinks that the better example to our girls will be to live through this breakup and be normal rather than work out the marriage and be together.
I spent the first week or two reading what I could and sending links on the effect that divorce has on children, but she counters with an equal number of studies showing that if the parents treat each other well there’s no damage done.
My older daughter started crying when my wife told her we were separating. My wife has said divorce once or twice, but said “separating” to my daughter. I haven’t emailed her anything or argued since 7/8. I encouraged her to move back to her parents to give her space (1 mile away). Within three days she was no longer wearing her wedding band.
She “wants to let the world in” and feels that a third of her life is over and she hasn’t done anything she wanted to. She cannot see herself happy being married to me and “doesn’t think she’ll be in any relationship again.” She’s “letting me go to be happier with someone else” because “our relationship has never been healthy.” I’ve also been controlling and emotionally abusive according to her and she “can’t handle the ups and the downs anymore.”
I’m looking nicer and acting very positive around her, optimistic and being the person I want to be (which I told her I would do and that initially made her think I wasn’t taking her seriously). I’m dressing well when I see her and not mentioning the relationship. She already wants to split the girls time up and when i dropped them off after a day with me she wouldn't make eye contact with me for a minute or so. She was ‘getting the girls attention’ or so it seemed. I was super positive as she left this week to go camping with her family and the girls and I have been trying to stay positive. I’m praying more than i ever have, and hanging onto my hope.
I have been a stay at home dad (in school from 2009 to 2013) and raised my girls. I was bitter about this a lot, but had toned it down in the past year. Still, it got the better of me several times and it was always mixed with guilt that she couldn't be home with them like the original plan was. I love being home with them, but when I got down I would just dump complaints on her. Over the last month she was also focusing a lot on work and so we had little quality time.
So She has been gone since July 2. She has bought new perfume and seems perfectly happy, though she has seemed upset a few times that I’ve seen her. According to her it will be a long time of feeling upset but it will eventually be okay and I’ll be happier. “We’ll both be happier.”
Our entire relationship has been marked by my consistent depression and anger issues. Also what I now see were very nascent emotional affairs on my end.(to me they were more jokey and obviously ridiculous - of course now i look back and cringe) I’ve never hit her or even intimated that I would. But she says she felt threatened. We agree on education for the girls, both have a Christian upbringing (though hers much more liberal) and have always had great physical chemistry. She is the love of my life and I threw all of her goodwill away over the years. And now that I want it back and I want her to see me working, all she can remember is the past. She has rewritten our relationship to be mostly all bad. Even our wedding she says she has no happy memories of.
We met when she was 16 and I was 18 and she feels like she never got to experience life on her own, to be independent or to make her own decisions. She says she doesn't feel like our house is even hers because even though she's picked out every wall color and lots of furniture she says that i had to ‘approve’ them first and so she really had no say.
I oscillate now between praying (which makes me cry), having hope that she’ll come back, feeling that she’s right, and then wanting her back desperately but more desperately wanting her to finally be happy. (She’s seemed consistently upset over the past year and has done everything I used to do in arguments - bring up the past incessantly and telling me things that are very hurtful that she says she felt at the time).
I love her more now than ever, and I told her almost every morning this past year how amazing she looked. I’ve never criticized her appearance, loved her body and told her how much i loved her body every time she brought up something she didn’t like about herself. I tried to give her hugs almost every morning, to be more affectionate so my daughters would see, and tried to resolve conflicts as much as I was able. I tried to cheer her up when she had tough times at work and I had dinner done most every night when she got home. I didn’t make too many date nights because I didn’t want to rob her of more time with our girls.
I still yelled though and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She said that the last year was just too little too late and that she doesn’t believe that I want to get back together for our daughter’s sake. She says it just sounds like me wanting her to come back for myself.
She went from being somewhat accommodating and positive sounding when she moved out, to increasingly businesslike and (for lack of a better word) cold around me. It seems to have increased proportionally inversely to how positive I was acting.
I need to get a job now and even though I have a teaching credential finding a teaching job will likely be very difficult. I want to keep our house for consistency for my girls, but I don’t know how likely that will be.
I’m very upset now, as a job prospect seems like it won’t pan out and I need to make a decent amount to live where we do. To afford the mortgage and all that.
I am praying to accept this change and to accept that I have no control over it. But it is devastating and the fact that I feel wholly responsible for it makes it all the worse. She even gave me that year and I still couldn't turn it around.
I’ve read the 34 rules and tons of other pages about detachment and boundaries, so I don’t need those links, though I appreciate anything that you think might help me in my situation.
If anyone has any insight into my predicament I’d appreciate anything. Links, stories, or anything at all.
Thanks for listening.
M36,W34 T18 years M9 years D3,D6 W "doesn't want to be married anymore"6/14/15 ILYBNILWY6/2015 W moves to parents house 6/30/15 W removes wedding band 7/3/15 My ring back on 8/8/15 Served 8/11/2015.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Such similarities in our stories, hang in there, this is about being patient, you are in good company, keep changing to be the best dad you can be for now, give her the space she needs.
714Dad, so sorry that you're here, but you've come to the right place.
What Cadet posted is gold....tons of great resources to get you oriented.
Hopefully some of the other vets (I'm not one of them) will be along shortly.
Some of the things your W says sound like they could have been said by mine...I was amazed to learn how similar the scripts of walk-away spouses (WAS) can be.
This is never a pleasant thought, but have you definitively ruled out an affair, either physical (PA) or emotional (EA)? My situation started when my wife had an EA with someone she knows through work.
My advice, keep posting on here. The friends I've made and just the act of journaling has made a tremendous difference in my state of mind.
Last edited by NH115; 07/17/1507:27 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I find an emotional affair very unlikely. She has always put our girls first and I don't think she'd risk something like that.
In her case I think it's just work. She wants to do something 'important' and she's in an industry where that can happen. She also probably wants to travel and doesn't want to be tied down to me anymore.
We met with a divorce mediator today. It was a free consultation but by the end she had already paid half the filing fee and she will file the papers next monday morning.
It has been barely three weeks since she moved out and to her parent's house.
I feel like I have time to do nothing.
When we left we stopped outside and I asked her to close her eyes, which she wouldn't do. So I just asked her to imagine a relationship where she felt validated, and cherished, etc.
I told her not to respond to me but just to please slow this down and think.
I handed her something I wrote as well, which was probably a bad idea, but at this point it feels like there's nothing to lose. Everyhting else with me has been LRT (extremely difficult with children involved) and acting positive and looking really good whenever we see each other for pickups and drop offs.
Here's what I wrote and handed her (and yes I know it was probably a bad idea):
M,
Stop for a moment.
Close your eyes.
Imagine a relationship in which you are happy.
Imagine a marriage where you feel validated.
Imagine a place where you are cherished.
Imagine a place where we are together in happiness.
Imagine a marriage in which we are both ourselves.
Imagine that place and feel it at your fingertips.
I am not asking you to stop.
I am not asking you to not file papers.
I am simply asking you to pause, to think.
I am asking as your husband and as the father of your children.
It is unfortunate that you only remember bad from something I remember as so fundamentally good.
We were young, but now we are older.
We were immature but that doesn't matter anymore.
We are who we are now and we can both choose to be happy, to be better.
We can choose to heal.
Imagine a Halloween where we take the girls trick or treating as we have before.
Imagine a Thanksgiving at our house in which we are surrounded by love and family and all the good food you make.
Imagine a Christmas of joy and love and Christmas lights. Calm and quiet.
Of Bing Crosby. Of A White Christmas. Of the girls waking us up so that they can open presents.
Of crisp mornings where you can run early in the morning, gravel crunching under your feet.
Can you feel how close these things are?
You deserve to be happy.
You deserve to feel loved.
You must be yourself.
And you can be yourself here.
With me.
Imagine Paris.
Imagine teaching D and D the Metro.
Imagine Crepes avec Nutella.
I am not promising anything.
I am asking only for you to believe that we can heal.
That God will help us.
That you can be happy.
I cannot keep you here.
I do not want to keep you here if you are unhappy.
But I know you can be happy here.
I know, I believe, we can heal ourselves.
And have what we always should have had. (and we did have a lot of the time).
Love, kindness, laughter.
And if you file,
The girls will be alright because we love them.
I will be alright because I have hope.
I will work.
You will be okay and successful because you are strong.
But think and imagine,
I will work regardless, because I need to.
And,
We will go to Paris sooner with that income.
We will go to San Francisco within the year.
And,
We will sit together and watch D and D grow up.
We will each get to see them every night.
We will work together to make the future together.
Imagine a marriage in which you are cherished.
And imagine that the man who has always told your daughters that you are the smartest and most beautiful woman in the world is standing next to you.
Making you coffee, taking your temperature, holding you as D goes off to college.
This distance you asked for was not easy, but compare it to last year and remember. It is proof of my love for you. Because I cannot claim to love something unconditionally and then place conditions on it being near, or staying. Your happiness is all I have wanted to see for so long.
And if you truly cannot be happy with me, ever, I will accept that.
But please slow down and think. Consider trust, forgiveness, and healing.
It will be difficult, take time, hurt, and seem backwards sometimes.
But we can see it through.
I am here.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/21/1508:56 AM. Reason: remove name
M36,W34 T18 years M9 years D3,D6 W "doesn't want to be married anymore"6/14/15 ILYBNILWY6/2015 W moves to parents house 6/30/15 W removes wedding band 7/3/15 My ring back on 8/8/15 Served 8/11/2015.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I just want to reiterate the idea of at least an EA. My wife was the last person on earth I thought would do it. Read Sandi thread, she was the same way. If you do find out she is, dont explode, dont say anything to her. Think on it, come to this board, have a plan.
Much of your story is similar to mine. I feel for you. Start DBing right now. The longer you wait and the more mistakes you make, the longer the whole process will take.
Good luck on your journery
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Regarding an EA or even PA, anything is possible. Again though, her comments like, "I don't know if I'll ever be in a relationship again" etc. and other behavior don't seem to add up to an EA/PA.
My IC I went to for a year (and just recently changed) suggested a A of some kind to me due to the rapidity and severity with which she left and said 'divorce.' But the more I read the more it seems like she began 'leaving' several years ago and that was just the time for her to go.
Like many it's so strange to hear that these 18 years have been emotionally unhealthy, that the woman you love so much isn't in love with you, or that she's 'freeing you from this unhealthy relationship.'
If she is in an EA/PA there's nothing I can do. I can only change or control myself. So while it would devastate me even more, it's not where I'm going to obsess right now.
I just can't believe how fast it's going.
And shes seems to be getting irritated that she won't be able to get out and start her new life as fast as she thought she would because I have to find a job and all of this other stuff has to be settled.
When she first said divorce she said she'd just sign the deed of the house over to me because there really is no savings to speak of. But now she's saying I'll need to buy her out of her half of the house. So I am a bit panicked about that.
Again, having been the stay at home dad for my girls means I don't have a salary history, or anything to start up immediately.
I can understand why this is happening, I understand how I made it happen over years and years of being emotionally unavailable, or angry, or unapproachable, but I still can't believe I'm here. Especially after a year of change, and of trying to change, and of getting better. A total committment to therapy and to implementing things when I could remember to do them. TO still have this happen.
I have DB and DR books on order and they should get here soon. I am finishing ...
I have started but can barely read ... mostly because I don't want to. It's so devastating to read.
My wife wants me to read ... which I still have to order. She started reading that in mid June after my outburst.
It's so strange to feel how cold my in-laws house is to me now. Whereas it used to be like a second home.
Thank you all and I will try to post more. I just have the girls to watch during the day and jobs to apply for at night.
and now I have the divorce packet to begin filling out.
Last edited by Cristy; 07/21/1507:56 PM.
M36,W34 T18 years M9 years D3,D6 W "doesn't want to be married anymore"6/14/15 ILYBNILWY6/2015 W moves to parents house 6/30/15 W removes wedding band 7/3/15 My ring back on 8/8/15 Served 8/11/2015.
Bad idea on the note, but then again you knew that. Why do you suppose you did that, KNOWING that it was pursuit? Are you still operating on your emotions?
Not picking on you, I just see a lot of myself in you, 714. I too am a romantic, and a wordsmith, and I always felt that if I could say (or write) JUST the right things, my wayward wife would come back to me.
It only pushed her further away.
What she responded to instead was STRENGTH. Not being a jerk or a d*ck, but my strong resolve in fighting for our marriage, and drawing firm boundaries with her. The whole "supplication" thing is NOT attractive to her, I can assure you (in fact, it's probably a big turn-off). If you doubt this, ask the women on here (Sandi, Train, others).
I too would caution you to keep your eyes wide open for a possible affair. She is displaying several of the warning signs, and it's rare for a woman to leave the security of her marriage without either an OM already on the hook, or at least already be in pursuit of someone specific. My wife was THE last woman in the world you would have EVER thought would do what she did, but she did. And this forum is littered with similar stories.
I'm just as lost in the dark about all this as you are but my wife has said almost the exact same thigns yours has said. Here is my voice letting you know you are not alone in this.
