New tread, new D, new life... maybe this will be the time I will start doing the real work on myself. Have so many questions, so much doubt, so much of good and bad altogether.
It has been a roller coaster ride right. And I am trying to get out because my stomach is really sick.
I know more or less what to do, the practical side seems to be easy to deal with. But on the emotional front, there are a real mix up mess of emotions.
Well, I am here to learn and I am sure someone with experience will give me some advice and I will be happier because of it.
This journey was tough and I am sure I got here in one piece because so many good people helped me to keep going.
THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU, YOU ARE A LIFE SAVER!!!!!
When my D was finalized I moved into my new house so that kept me busy for quite a while. If you have read the book and followed along with other people then you know what to do, GAL. I would suggest doing things that are just for you.
I found that the D really changed my mindset and I went completly dark with the XW. When exchanging the kids I may only have said two or three words. Making her role in my life the absolute minimum possible really helped. I was not rude or mean but I definetely was not warm with her.
Spend time with friends too, it helped when I could talk with them about it when I wanted to and I could also just have fun and not think about it.
Emotions should start to level out but it will take time. I still have moments but the highs and lows dont swing up and down wildly anymore.
Staying active or at least engaged on the board helped me also. I journaled for a while about weekly. I dont post as much as I used too but there wasnt too much to report either.
Hang in there and think of positives everyday. I refused to let myself get bummed out and sad. I allow myself two days to feel sorry for myself and then I get back to work on me.
Hope this helps
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Welcome to your new thread Pink! This is a new phase for you and hopefully it will be a positive one. I think you are doing really well. And in a practical sense, things are pretty much resolved. You know where you are living, finances are resolved and so on.
As you say, it takes our emotions longer to catch up, and that's an area to keep working on as we all are. Being aware of what we are feeling, accepting it, releasing it and so on.
You have many good things going on in your life. And when I think of you, I see a lovely, passionate woman, full of life. Yes, you have been having a tough time - but behind that, the essence of you is there and will resurface.
Some good advice from Gogofo for you too.....take care lovely P! xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Its a tough road, no doubt about that, but you and your boys will emerge the stronger for it. And if there is a positive i'm sure your boys have learnt a lot from the poor example your H has set and the good example you have which will help them find happiness in their own future relationships.
When all is said and done you will be fine and you'll be happy.
Have a great day
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Thanks Gogofo, I am trying to keep perspective on what is positive and I should be thankful that there's plenty more then negatives.
I am also completely dark, and as you said I also find much easier without any contact.
Went to the Brazilian band event last Friday with some friends. It was fun and in the same time I felt very empty. I guess I just need to keep going and eventually it will all fall into place and be more peaceful inside of me.
Have been with some trouble not regarding H itself. I know well I want him as far as possible these days. But I find myself wondering around rejection.
My IC said that this are also the main issues from my childhood and it is normal to get stock in those feeling again. He also said that I am a leader with a strong personality and that I make things harder for myself because I want everything resolved fast and clean. He just keep saying that D is not something that gets resolved overnight.
Hi Toots, thanks for all your support and encouragement. Had a good cry yesterday. It somehow cleans the house once in a while. It realizes some pressure and keeps me going.
Hi Jim, indeed it is a tough road and you know well my friend. Regarding being an example, I think most of the time I have been holding it all together and my boys are getting a lot more confident that life will go on and we won't starve...boys, you know, they always think if they will have the hamburger on the grill tomorrow.
Here are some of what is going on right now:
1.Going full time in my job starting August 3rd. 2.Setting up my own bank account, savings, car and house insurance, utilities. 3.The kids and I have been penciling some budget, but this week we have a meeting schedule for us four to go on the budget details and finalize it. 4.S15 start football practices in august, every day work out. 5.S17 is getting his driving permit (poor thing, got all delayed). 6.S17 is looking into college and soon we will start scheduling some visits on the local ones (Colorado state)for him to get an idea. 7.Finally have a time schedule to get all the equipment we need for him to do a home music recording. 8.School is around the corner, so get some school shopping this week. 9.Sitting with the bank this week to find out what are the requirements for refinancing the house only on my name, as determined by law a year after the D. 10.Have a painting project with S15. We are adding another earth color to two walls in the first floor, I think it will give us a boost and the house will look a little different too. 11.S15 and I will paint two benches that are not looking so good right now. 12.Need to get the garage organized till the end of the summer, with the help of the three boys. 13.GAL... I am still going to the gym as much as possible. There are plenty of concerts around since it is summer time, so we go whatever sounds better. Keep the samba fresh... Friday night, if I am in a mood, not too tired. Have Zumba class on Saturday morning. Hiking with some friends. Colorado has some beautiful places to walk. Want to go back to school, feel really strong about it. So I am researching my choices right now.
I guess the boys and I will be very busy for the next few weeks of summer.
Tomorrow 7/21, is XH birthday. At first I tough about sending him a TM whishing him a Happy B-Day, but I am not feeling like it anymore. Fill it is best to just LET GO on this one.
Hi Pink. Sounds like a great list I have no doubt you will get through it !!!
I want to wish you all the best with your new adventure. Give yourself time to heal and let life come to you. I get you exactly re rejection and I feel the same way however I think you can tell by how people react to you that you anyone who would reject you is doing so for reasons in the head and not for any real world reasons.
You are a great person and life will be good again We have connected on the Internet and I'm very grateful to you for always being there for me. I have said it time and time again , your H will regret this for the rest of his life
I hope you keep posting and we all get to see the Phoenix arising from the ashes
Pink is going to be ok and she will thrive in her new life
Hi Pink, it sounds like you have a good plan and I will keep you in my prayers. You are a strong woman and your boys are lucky that they have you. I am sorry for your situation, but I have a strong suspicion that you will be ok. Don't wish him a happy birthday, do something for yourself instead. I hope you find some peace today.
I am OK and I believe I will feel better, I just need time.
Hello Pink,
I wanted to stop by and see how you are. It seems to me that you are doing as well as possible under the circumstances. Time is your friend.
I will dedicate a prayer to you right after this post.
Bob xoxo
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Updating...things are getting much worse and I am kind o lost of what to do.
On 7/21 was my EH's B-Day and I finally decided to send a TM whishing him a Happy B-Day!. Simple, fast.
No word from XH all day. When I got home I asked the boys if they had anything planned with their dad. S15 said that he text him and he answer saying that wouldn't force anyone to be with him on his birthday. Odd!
I start saying to S15 that they could go somewhere and meet their father for dinner or something. At this moment my MIL called crying her lungs out, asking me to help her and get together with EX for his B-Day or at least take the boys to celebrate with him.
She said that XH was very depressed, that she was really worry about him and that she felt he was extremely unhappy. I told her many things that have been happening and she said that she did not know many things.
The boys did not want to go, but I told them to get ready and that was the end of conversation. Once we get to XH's place, I knocked the door and XH opened the door. It seems he saw a ghost. I told him that the boys were in a car and that we were there to take him out for dinner to celebrate his birthday.
H did not say a word, he cried hard, the way I actually never saw before. I told him he did not need to go out and he said he wanted. We all got inside my car and went to a pub that closes very late.
Many times during dinner H would say something and then tears were rolling. You actually feel sorry for him.
He told us that the night before he got locked out of the house and end up sleeping in his car.
When we were walking back to the car he said that it was really nice to do this for him. He said that he felt better that I was there. I said that I wish I didn't need to be there because there is a reason he wants a divorce.
Then XH starting saying how he feels that if he would die that it would all end. That he is very, very lost and can't manage o make things right. That he wishes he can open a hole in the ground and get himself inside there forever.
I told him that as a man of faith he would be the last to say that on his B-Day. XH said that everyone would be better off without him, that he feels he needs to go and that he has been contemplating death and it fits his purposes.
I drove him back to his place and for a change he said "I love you very much Pink", with tears in his eyes.
The next day I called his stepmother and told about his talk about death and so I called his real mom and told her too.
It's crazy, XH looks like he is dead already. He is so, so unhappy it is scary. His mom said that she never tough about seeing him so unhappy.
I don't get it. He is getting worse all the time. I am not sure if he is really talking serious and I am not sure if he is just saying it to manipulate the situation and make us feel sorry for them.
IDK, it is hard, and it is very sad. H has everything to be happy and yet he is the saddest person in the world right now.
IK+DK what to do. I am thinking to ask him for some a meeting and try to convince him to get some professional help. If he agrees then good, if he doesn't then I will call his family again and say that they need to step up big time.
When is this going to end? Why is him so unhappy. His life is a mess and it seems that every day he gets worse. I am tired, very tired of all this. There is so much at play right now. Custody, we have a date to get in front of the judge to decide our final D. H is very unbalanced right now... what about driving my kids around?
If you guys have any advice, it is appreciate. I don't even know what is DB or not. I am starting believe that MLC is a real thing that happen to people.
Wow, Pink that's really heavy stuff. It seems like your H is in a very bad place emotionally. I'm so sorry you're having to interact and take your S's to such a person. You may have love in your heart for him, but I would imagine being around him is contributing to your feelings of craziness.
What can you do to try to ground and center yourself? Can you reach out to anyone else in your life? Meditation? Fitness?
That's a whole bunch to deal with. My heart goes out to you.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Even though I haven't been posting, I have been reading threads - and I always keep an eye out for yours.
I am concerned about XH's behavior. It sounds like he's close, very close to hitting rock bottom. There could be many things going on: depression, mental illness, MLC, brain tumor (rare - but who knows), anything.
i would suggest googling and seeing if your city has a mobile crisis unit. They're usually affiliated with hospitals, Mibile Crisis Units have trained mental health professionals who will come to people's homes and do psychiatric evaluations, checkups, etc - for people who are in crisis. This tends to be a good alternative for individuals who are opposed of going to hospitals, therapists, etc. The team can evaluate and refer people to therapists, or other alternatives if necessary. If things are bad - they work In Conjunction with the police to get people help that they need be it 72 psychiatric holds or what not.
I am glad that you have notified his parents but my heart aches for you and the position you are in. It is tough seeing a loved one in crisis. You may feel like you are responsible for getting him help, or what not. It's tough. I hope that his family and friends will band together and support him in his time of need.
Make sure you take care of yourself - especially if your husband is ill. Having dealt with this not only with my biological father but my husband as well - situations like these can wear down on you quickly. Know that you cannot fix your husband, but you can support it, (should you choose), in whatever manner that he will allow.
Take care of yourself. I will be thinking of you.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Hi PP, thanks for your kind words. It's indeed a very tough situation but I decided that this is time to put aside all my anger and resentment.
Last year I noticed that I was going in a spiral reaction getting myself into a deep hole. So, I got myself some ADs, an IC that I see almost every week since then, a group of friends that talk to me every single day.
I also follow the advices from this forum, I exercise, go out with friends, I dance, I am doing new things sometimes, I am organizing my life as a single mum, my finances and so on.
I feel centered even when I have a million reason to just loose it all. I guess it is also part of my personality to be a survivor. I am a very resilient person, and in time of crises that's when I get calmer.
Hi Cali, I remember all what you went through with your H and how painful it was for you to see his struggle during that time.
July 26th will be my BD anniversary. At that time, XH was doing some yoga ninjitsu kind stuff, said that he was in peace with himself because he knew it was time for him to move on.
I remember how powerful he was feeling to make such a decision to end his M, have a GF, get a promotion in his work, all that combined seemed so perfect for him. I was the only problem in his life and he decided to get rid of me.
After a year and now I see that decided man in a million pieces, without even the desire to live anymore. Talking about ending it all and how much he is contemplating death.
Right now, I feel that there is no room for grudges, resentment, anger towards him. I tried very hard to think that he is a big boy that makes big decisions, that he was calculating every move and even could take advantage on me financially.
But I can't see this man, what I see is someone very unbalanced. I am convinced now that XH is very ill, his depression got to a point of desperation and his talking about death is a big cry for help.
I have decided to at least try to support him in order for him to get professional help. I understand our M is over, we even have court date on 8/5 to get the judge final take on our legal separation agreement and it may be all done.
I am conscious that he may never come back to our M, but I want to see him better. I am really sad to see a person that I care deeply in such suffering. I get angry with him, but I do not wish any harm or bad things to him.
My plan is to sit down with him this weekend and try my best to get his heart to understand he needs professional help.
Regarding mental health, I live in a Boulder area and we are fortunate that this area is very well organized and there are all the support we need. If XH gets worse, there are help he can get. My IC gave me a lot of information on how to handle things in case of crisis.
I just hope he can accept my help and support and will take himself to a professional that can help him.
Again, thanks for all the support you guys give me. Please, forgive me for being so selfish, I know I have not been able to help others in this board at this moment because I do not have much time right now. I think that somehow things will change and everything will be resolved, then I can help someone else.
Hi Pink. You are doing the right thing for H. I know I have been like a broken record about your H realising what he's done but reading your posts the last few months I think it's very clear he's lost and it's now hitting him what he's losing.
Depression is a very sly illness and creeps up on people so a lot the time they don't recognise it until it' has them in its grip.
You cannot do this alone Pink , H's family must be involved When you have your talk with him please try to have another member of his family with you. This man needs help and you are a fantastic lady to stand by him
Pink. Please take the next words as I mean them , Your H is a big boy , he needs help and you have stood by him through all this and your there for him again BUT you can only do so much , H has to help himself also If he doesn't get help after all this , you cannot be responsible for his actions Pink is doing all she can and we all see that. H needs professional help and only H can accept this help
Im so sorry for you and your boys going through this and seeing their dad in this way Please take care of yourself and them at this really tough time
I hope for your family this is a turning point for H and he gets the help to bring him back to the real world
My thoughts are with you and your boys at this time and I'm sending positive thoughts to your H
Hi Pink, I'm sorry to hear your H is in a bad way. I partly agree with RD, in that he is a grown man and will seek help if he needs it. That said, one of my own worst fears is not being there for my H when he needs it and him taking his own life. It's an irrational fear I know, and perhaps stems from previous experience with my brother.
I read recently that middle age men are actually in a higher risk group than young men in terms of suicide. I think there is only so much you can do for your H. But to me it seems reasonable to say that whilst you accept the M may be over, you are concerned for how unhappy he seems in himself, and encourage him to see his doctor.
If he is in MLC, it is possible that he is coming out of the replay stage into depression. Or it may be that facing the end of your M is difficult and he is finding it hard to cope with that.
The only thing I would say is that - alongside concern for him, you need to have concern for you. So, please remain aware that he may not have much to offer you right now, and try not to cross the line from 'concerned friend' into 'wife.'
I think you are right to try and do the right thing by him though. Whilst our spouses have put many of us through a great deal, we love them and don't want to see them in difficulty. Good luck Pink, and I hope you have a lovely weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks RD and Toots, you both have been following my journey since the beginning and know that I have been working on myself and to some degree my detachment.
H is not someone to be with right now and maybe in months to come. Right now it is not about R, it's about a H, but it's about a human being.
I always said that I am a faithful person and I believe in God. With that said, it's easy for me to think it is my call, that I got it from the Holy Spirit and hear my call to help him now.
H does not have any family here, everyone is far away. He also does not have many friends, his fault but non of less he is on his own, no one is there for him. Maybe that is why it is so hard to disconnect and feel right about what he is doing.
It's hard but somehow he is making it a little easier for me since this is not the man I want to be with. The H I got married years ago is a different person.
Today, I was home when he came to pick up the kids for his company picnic. H told me some story that happen to him earlier today. He met some homeless guy in his way to get some coffee in the morning and this man told him that no matter how hard it is right now, that things will be resolved and he will be OK.
H told me this in tears, said that it touched his heart and made him feel better. IDK, but all what I see is him trying to convince himself that he will be alright when the truth is that he is just living in his roller coaster of emotions.
I feel good tough. Maybe even better because my decision to help the person the did hurt me the most. It's healing for me.
And in this journey I feel I have a lot to learn yet. Never tough about all of what is happening, but this is my reality now and I will embrace it.
Maybe once I get H back to his own self, I decide to take that vacation to Ireland and have some time out riding bikes and drinking a cold beer with RD. Not bad uhn?
Love you guys and tomorrow night when I meet H, I will be thinking about all your advices and hold strong to all the love you offer me. You are the best.
I have kept quiet until I considered what I wanted to say and I am sure others are going to disagree with me.
Your XWH sacked you as his wife, and yes I understand he is the father of your boys. He is not your WH any longer, he decided his route. I do not think it's your job to rescue xWH. The best you can do is point him to resources.
Sweetness, xWH is in a cheese less tunnel of his own making, point him to resources sure but it's his OPs job to help him. He needs help if he hits rock bottom, of course he does.
Pink, I do not think you can get xWH back to what he was, that is his job for himself with professional help. If you consult IC can you talk this through as it worries me for you to try this or even think of it? Does Pink want to be xWH nurse or his W?
You can still stand for you and the principles of your M. There is nothing in your xWH which indicates he wants to piece and is remorseful. Whatever you decide Pink you have my support as always.
You are a kind and generous soul and I think you should concentrate on yourself and your boys in this. They come first and will need all your energy if what you suspect is true.
Emphasise with xWH yes, sympathise possibly, intercede if necessary to get him help, bail or nurse him please reconsider. There is the possibility that this can go badly and then Pink could be hurt in one way or another.
Hugs
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/24/1509:15 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Your words are the same words of my IC. He worries that I will be moving backwards and cancel some months of progress achieved from my hard work on myself.
He also fear that in H state of mind right now, he will be manipulative since he also knows me well and knows how to push my buttons.
He is not sure that I am as strong and detached as he would like me to be in order to help someone that is involved emotionally with me.
All that said. It is not favorable to speak with XH. When I spoke with XH today, I told him I do not want to talk about R, M or D. And that is how I intend to keep. I will try my best to convince him to seek professional help but that is it.
If he accept, I will give him all the resources he can chose from to get the help he needs. I can even accompany him at his first appointment to give him some courage.
If he does not accept, I will call his family again, explain what happen and ask them to take care after him because it is out of my hands then.
I really want to move on with my life and I am doing it already. I had a meeting with my company's director to position my full time position in august, salary, healthy benefits, 401K and so on. Now, I also have a choice to stay at this work or look for something better if I may fit.
I also have the real financial numbers and I can sit with a few banks to discuss my options in terms of refinancing my house in 12 months. I have a budget set up in place and I am not worry I won't have money tomorrow.
My kids have been smiling more and are looking at life with a little more easy. I believe that the conversation about budget was a plus with them because it took some of their fear away.
V, my emotions can take the best of myself sometimes, but I am also a cold heart when I need to be. Life is hard and my hasn't been easy at all. But this same life thought me to be resilient, have endurance in hard times.
And last but not least, I will do this for myself. I want to move on knowing that I did not leave anything undone. I do not want to regret tomorrow. I will do what I can today, stand my head tall and follow my heart next.
This way I will be myself, I am an honest and caring person. I am an open book and the pages I had hidden somewhere, are all open right now. I have nothing to hide, to be ashamed, I am clean and have a clean heart. No regrets, no sorrow, no shame, no nothing to hold me back.
One day, if there will be someone else in my life, I will have the opportunity to deal with love for a man, with trust, giving myself to someone else. Right now, it is not in my schedule, so I won't worry about this. One day...
You know I love and respect your words, I know your wounds speak words of wisdom to protect someone. I will take your words with me and make them my guide to keep myself as a distant supporter, a kind friend.
Hi lovely P. I would think carefully about your IC's words and be mindful of them in anything you decide to do. I'm particularly concerned about your H's potentially suicidal comments, and agree that you may want to take due steps to support him, given your long history together and that he is father of your kids.
However, I think you need to question your own motives for wanting to take these steps right before you D. Do you at some level feel - if only he realised he were depressed and would see an IC, perhaps we could still save our M? If you are in any way feeling that - I worry you would be setting yourself up for disappointment, as I don't see him being at the stage where he can maturely introspect and move positively forward in a R with you.
I was also concerned at your plan to accompany him to an IC appointment? To me, that is the kind of thing a W would do, and not someone who is about to D. IF you are really concerned, perhaps you could offer to drive him to an appt and then go get yourself a coffee. But that is the most I would do.
So, I think the message from all posters seems to be - proceed with caution. Yes, offer some support appropriate to the circumstances. However, remain clearly aware of your own motives and only offer assistance from a place of compassionate detachment.
Just my thoughts for what they are worth sweetheart. Good luck with whatever you do decide to do. xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I see how difficult things must be for you and in some many ways. I wish there was something that i can do to help.
In some ways I agree entirely with everything that V, RD and Toots have said even if that sounds contradictory.
Your XH is lost and desperately sad. He is also manipulative and source of great pain to you Pink and your boys. He is also a grown man, capable of making his own decisions and own choices, as you well know from the damage he has done.
Crucially he is not your responsibility.
Forget he is their father - if anyone else upset your boys in the way he does, how would you feel about that?
But he is your boys father, and your XH and from what I know of you from your posts, you still love him and wouldn't wish him any harm.
There is a balance to be had and i feel it involves his family, no matter the distance. He wont listen to you (or he's trying to manipulate you) either way, you arent the one who can help him. and you need to be there for yourself and your boys and you can't do that if you take on XH's pain.
His family needs to help him, you need to tell them what you know and you need to explain that you cannot help. And if he is upset that you involve his family, well its not like he can divorce you a second time
Take care of yourself Pink. Until your XH is willing to take responsibility for himself and his life then you need to be free from his chaos - That is the key part of X.
I hope you had a good weekend
((((Pink))))
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I am at the barber shop with S17. His hair is really nice. He is a 6'1" and is very thin. Has a natural curly brown hair with some natural yellow highlights. Looking more and more like a British band boy. Love it!!!
Regarding my bloody XH. I am giving up on the whole friendly, understanding XW. I met him last saturday, at a nice park.
H is still the same selfish and arrogant person. It's all about him. And I see he is getting worse.
He does not see what he is doing or saying. It's actually sad to see he is so far gone that I don't have much hope he will ever be the same person he was before.
H is covered with lyes. His life is still a mess. He has problems at work. He says he has personal problems and R problems.
He still says he loves me not only as a mother of his children but as a woman. And yet his actions show that he wants the D.
He wrote me a good buy letter on 7/15/15 and after that a lot happen.
I had a lot of disappointment, mainly because the kids. XH will pay a heavy price and I am actually glad I am not him.
Need to go but will post more specifics later, including his letter.
I am also taking a different direction in my life. I decide to live for myself and my kids.
Hi Pink, I'm sorry to hear that. I also want you to remember that MLC is ALL about selfishness. And as you acknowledge, your H isn't in a great place right now. He's trying different things to make his life better. But the thing is he doesn't really feel any better.
From what you post, you are still reacting angrily towards him (which I truly understand BTW.) But bear in mind, it is also possible for you to be 'distantly loving' towards him and accept what is happening for now, but move forward with your own life - leaving the door open a tiny chink - but not putting your own life on hold.
That said, I haven't read what you are yet to post...
Take care lovely P xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Pink I'll wait to read your post later but I will echo what Toots has said
Your H is in selfish mode and that won't change quickly. Your biggest problem is you love H and you can't just turn that off. None of us can but detaching yourself from his mess maybe best for now
These times are sent to try us. We can only deal with each day as it comes Today seems like a very tough one so I'm sending positive thoughts your way
enjoy your time with S17 and remember how lucky you are to have him in your life
I read a lot about MLC's believing getting out of M will solve all their sadness and problems, only to realise that it doesn't and the M was actually holding them together.
Hope you get some good luck soon.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Toots, you are so right...your words are wise and have a lot of meaning. Never mind the wounds, scars, tears, a constant pain in the stomach, the love and the hate that runs in my veins, the rocks that keep walking through, the storm will pass and I will stand tall because it's who I am.
I can be at the precipice, but I won't let go. I love life and no matter what happens today I believe there will be tomorrow.
This is indeed an overwhelming time for me and the boys, but as everything in life; we scream, we cry, we don't comb our hair in the morning or take off the PJ's, and all this just to realize that tomorrow is another day and we can smile and be happy again.
The reason I am pretty mad with him is because I still have a hard time accepting and understanding the MLC effect. Sometimes it sounds like a bunch of bull just to rainbow their way out of responsibility. But the experts say it is real, so who knows.
My lovely RD. If you at least would be a fly, you would see that thinking about you, your new shirts, the new helmet makes me smile. The contrast of you talking about your kiddos and my XH's disregard for his boys is something very powerful to show me that there are some men out there that actually can be good human beings.
You keep saying I love my XH, at some level I do, but the vase broke in too many places and IDK if there is any way to glue it together again. I am slowly letting go. Next week I may sign the D. I am a person of solutions and I do not like to hang on something for too long without getting it resolved. It has been too long already, too much pain, it is time to respect myself and think that I can have something better in my path as I decide to walk for and by myself.
You are holding my heart together and in place, you want or not, you believe or not, internet or not, you are my inspiration, my dream, my adventurous friend. You and many others in this board will say I am crazy and I hold to a ghost that is so, so far away, even my closest friends say that.
You know what? I am Cira and always said, who cares!!! It's my head, my life and my feelings and I don't give a damn for what anyone thinks. If it makes me happy, then be it.
You are yet my Guard Angel, sometimes at night I lay my head on my pillow and I image lying my head on your lap, and you put your hand on my hair and just say that I will be OK. Thanks RD!
Hi Huddy, thanks for stopping by. Sorry I am also kind of very selfish lately because I am not posting on other people's threads. I will be back, and I will try to support as many as I can the same way I am getting a awesome support in my time of need. Yes, that is the way it seems at least. H is even saying that he tough he was unhappy and now he is realizing that in 18 years together, he was never so unhappy, Go figure!!
I am still to post the goodbye letter I got and some other of XH's confessions. Right now, I despise the man he became.
Hi Pink. This is a really tough time for you and your boys. The positive is that you will all bond so much more because you have had to help each other through this.
The MLC thing is a difficult one. It's a real thing and there is a huge amount of info on the net about it and the problems it brings. This doesn't help you but maybe it can give you some explanation as to H's behaviour. Re the unhappiness he's feeling , that's from in him and nothing to do with you
Your way to kind with your words about me. Most guys would be exactly the same as I am You can see that with all the good guys on here that are prepared to soul search and become better men in order to save their Ms.
We have connected through this site and our similar history's re crazy bikers and a certain devilish nature. I was reading one of your posts a few weeks ago and it touched me You were very sad and I thought I wish I could fly over , meet you at the airport and just hug you for a few mins , tell you that this will be ok and you and the boys will be happy again. I looked up flights and only for the look of disappointment on your face when you saw me , stopped me booking !!!!!!!!!!
Seriously Pink , I would love to be there for you Once we got over the first few mins of laughing and crying we could put the world right over dinner and plenty of drinks It would be hard for you to resist my animal magnetism but you would just have to control yourself !!!!!! LOL
Life will be great for you again Pink and you and your boys will have great lives
What a hell RD, do you really believe that "the looks" is all what it counts?
Not at all RD, in my opinion there are good people and bad people. As a Christian I problem have some issues with some total different religions, but it is about it.
I am not 17 years old anymore. I can play like one, can laugh like one, can even dream and be devilish like one, it won't ever die inside of me, but my skin, my hair and a lot more is not 17 anymore.
There is no disappointment when the soul is beautiful RD. There is no disappointment when the feeling is clean.
I would love to pick you up at the airport, life is what we make of it, what we feel and how we feel, what we offer with our open arms and how we offer it. It does not matter anything we look like, or the material values we have. It helps to get by a little easier, but it is all gone if there is no love, respect, understanding, gentleness.
So come by, let me know when I need to be at the DIA and I will be there no matter what. I can even drive on snow storms.
Have many things being resolved today. Bank accounts, utilities, home and car insurance, house security system, and many miscellaneous accounts.
Luckily, it's not so complicated. Cell phone accounts and my internet account will need to be resolved with XH together, so just a little stretch.
My stomach hurts. I don't know how I feel today. I know I need to resolve all these issues and I have my brain geared to do so, just can't feel anything.
I can do it, I always think about how proud you will all be when I say that my life is going well and I feel OK.
Thanks V, you are indeed a model to me. You endured so much and is still standing strong for yourself.
That's the example we all need to believe that we can move forward or move on, or just keep moving for whatever life is holding for us.
Who knows? Maybe we all meet in Ireland one of these days?
I am soon single again and ready to be the devilish girl RD always think I am
My kids are kind of nervous, they don't say anything to me, but I can feel it.
Yesterday, we went to Pearl Street on Boulder to grab some pizza. Today we are enjoying some very delicious hamburgers outside Larkburger, under a full moom, in a beautiful summer night.
Life is changing and I am thankful I have my family. We are a good team.
Hello Pink, I'm away for a few days with a friend....having a great time! Not been posting much as a result, but just wanted to drop in and say that like V - I'm proud of you already too - and you should be rightly proud of yourself.
Yes, it is a change for your boys. But they know you are there for them, and that is the main thing I think. Hopefully their Dad will also step up to the mark & be a more involved father going forward too....
Keep on going lovely - you're doing so well. I hope you and your boys have a great weekend!! xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Pink. I hope you and the crew are ok. My insecurities play into my posts. I have always being charming. Witty and and a wonderful person but I am average joe to look at. Yes , I am great fun and fantastic to be around but Iim no George Clooney I hope that made you smile.
You are going through the toughest time possible. Your foundation has been rocked and you are learning to live a new life
I value your posts on my thread and look forward to more tales of your past
I hope you are out enjoying life or else at home with your boys enjoying family life
You have been quite for a few days so I hope you post soon
Thanks Toots, RD and V for checking on me. I am somewhat OK and in the same time I am an emotional mess.
I am functioning OK, most like a robot then a person. I am very tired, exhausted with all what is going on.
Tomorrow I need to be in court by 8:30am, it may be final or not, right now we are in the hands of a judge (a woman). I am having some trouble with the fact that it is just that...final. In the same time I actually believe that final will bring me some peace.
So as you can see, I am a complete mess and I don't really know what to think. XH has been a beast. He is living in some other planet these days. He does not care about anyone else.
He took the two younger ones to eat out and go to a movie last Friday. The kids told me that he slept the whole movie. Did not talk much, just the same old.
I also found a job search on internet, all in French language, what shows XH is still thinking about moving to France.
Sometimes I can't believe he is this man. He became something intolerable, disgusting. The face he normally shows is one of a suffering person and yet he has his plans and is moving forward with them, without any regard for what one day was his family.
I think that now what is most difficult for me is to accept that I have been giving my life to someone like him.
I haven't been posting just because I am super busy right now. School will start soon and my kids are doing AP and honors classes and have a lot to do during vacations. I am also working full time and still need to keep up with normal life errands.
I just wish to come out in one piece and start my own life without so much trouble. These last week was very hard and this one is not much easier.
My only hope is that everyone says it gets better and easier. Time is a healer and I need it right now.
I wish I can post every thought I have, I wish this whole pain will go away like magic, I wish I could take away all the pain I see in my kids eyes, I wish XH wake up one day and see all the damage he is doing, I wish I had married to a man with courage and decency.
I just wish that I could wake up tomorrow and time already went by and it does not hurt anymore. It is curious that the one thing that does not show much these days is love. The feelings are not related to love anymore, they are just wounds created by a bunch of lies, betrayals, selfishness, disregard, disrespect, rejection, abandonment and so much more, but not love in itself.
I guess there is no room to love someone like XH is right now.
I don't know anymore if XH is an MLCear. Sometimes I think he is. Like Saturday morning he called me wanting to know how much he was supposed to deposit in my account and then complained that his life is a complete mess and he is very miserable right now.
I can't even believe I heard those words. I even asked what he wants from me. He is the one that wants the D and does not want to work on our M, he is the one that left his family. I am out of his way and whatever is happening is just what is stated by law. Is this really real that he wants me to feel sorry for the life he has right now? It's his choice.
I also asked if he had any other expectation of what is Divorce. So far, there are tons of literature and statistics showing how it is destructive to everyone involved. I also said that if he is willing to go through so much destruction and pain just to get rid of me, then I would just follow my path and leave him alone and do not bother him anymore because it is clear that whatever comes in his way is better then fight for our life together.
XH said and keep saying that he still loves me like no one else in this world, that he does not love me just as the mother of his children, but for the woman I am. Said that soon I will understand that what he is doing is for the best. I don't get it, he does not come clean and just say what is in his mind.
But, whatever it is, it won't change what is going on and he is very decided to end it all for good.
I need to work now. Will try to keep up with my posts at least. I am not posting for anyone anymore but better days will follow and I will be able to have a more normal life.
I love you all and can't put in words how much strength I have because I am in this board. I don't know if I could do it all if I did not have the support I get from you all.
And RD, you are also my life saver. I think about you often and it gives me courage to keep myself strong. You also keep me dreaming about good stuff. Yesterday I saw "The Last of the Mohicans'... I just love that movie and the main song (soundtrack) is one of my favorite music. I was making dinner and dancing in the middle of my kitchen, pretending I was at the top of the mountain you often visit.
I will let you know how it goes tomorrow, just hope that the judge agrees with the Mediation results and we just sign this bloody divorce once for all.
Hi Pink. I'm so sorry your down This such a tough process and it seems like there will never be an end. This is a time for you to be strong and to know that you will get through this.
You speak of your H and what he's doing , planning his new life etc but the reality is you don't know what he doing.
The hardest part of this , is the detachment Letting go of H and whatever he is doing It's easy to type but really hard to do.
You have thrilled us all with the daredevil Pink of old. She was fearless and never backed down from a challenge. Well lovely Pink , this is the hardest challenge you have had to face so far
You are down today and tomorrow will be a day to get through BUT you will get through it. This time tomorrow it will be over and you can have one less worry
Your H needs to do whatever he needs to. I know your not sure if he's really lost or not but as an outsider looking in , he is certainly lost and not thinkng straight
No 2x4 but stop trying to educate him te divorce and the stats He can't think in that way at the moment and is t the guy you love This is a pale replica of him and why would you want him at the moment ?
Pink. You do not deserve any of this and I would be there for you in a heartbeat if I could. Please know that you are very special to me and I know we will meet one day and look back on these times as bad memories In between now and then you will have lots of good memories and be happy agan. Until then focus on the good and not the bad
We all have positives and negatives in our lives. We choose which one we let I to our head for the majority of the time. Let the positives in as you have a lot more of them anyway
The boys need their mum to be Pink , a great mum and also a great friend Let your mind concentrate on your new life , on your career and on your great future
Pink, I'm glad to see that RD just stopped by too. I'm sorry this is such a hard time. I can understand what you say about the finality. That's something to come to terms with and grieve the loss of your M as it was. Also, as you say perhaps some closure of this phase - of moving towards D - will also help you.
I agree with RD, and I don't believe your H is a monster. I think he is lost, confused, plunged into a vortex and he just doesn't know what to do.
Yes, he may be grasping at the chance to apply for jobs in Paris. But if he does that he doesn't see his boys much. But he's not happy here - what does he do? And he's losing a woman that he loves.....due in large part to his own actions - but still.....
If you can see some of this as a third party observer - and not as a hurt spouse - perhaps that may help. He is not a winner here. And I suspect it may well get worse for him. If your D is finalised, he is going to realise that THAT hasn't made him feel better. Just misery still. And things with OW aren't that great as he already said.
There is a shifting pattern of strength between the WAS and the LBS in these sitches. When the sitch begins, the LBS is in an awful place - reeling, shocked, full of pain. But then we begin to sort ourselves out - trauma growth it is called. And we grow stronger and stronger and find more peace within ourselves. More independence.
The WAS starts out just great. On an endorphin high and enjoying some passion, frisson, intensity with OP. But that R gradually sours. And the excitement ebbs away. Leaving what? A ruined M, damaged R with your sons. And a R with OP that you don't want anymore. Or they don't want you. It implodes in that way.
At some point, the LBS overtakes the WAS in terms of strength and happiness. I suspect you reached that point some time recently. Even amidst the angst of readying yourself for D. I think you may well feel better in yourself than he does.
So, please don't demonise him. Try not to react to his poor choices and continue on your own positive path - largely unaffected by what he does just now.
You have come through so much, and you will get through tomorrow. And you will heal, and your life will become happier again lovely Pink. I do hope we get to meet some day my friend.
Take care xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
As always you come to my rescue to remind me who I was, I am and will always be. I am a fighter, I don't give up very easy. And nothing in this world is worth more then my desire to live my life in full.
I used to say to XH that I wish I could just let go and be sad and unhappy like many other people, and just have a personal break, but I couldn't, it is not in me to let go of my own desire to live.
And you are very right when you say that I have many reasons to look to a better time in my life and that I have my kids and they need me strong now more then ever.
Their father is a jerk, no not just that, he is a Godzilla Jerk. He does not care about his kids at all, does not share much time with them, don't help or at least ask if they want his help for anything. How can you not love your own kid?
But you are right again and what he does or does not is not my business because now more then when it all started, I need to be good for myself and do some introspection and self improvement. Explore what else I am capable in my life.
Today, I took S17 to his dentist for a 2015 2nd cleaning and in a way back home we stopped to pick up some fast food for him. We saw this gorgeous Yamaha, all blue and it was just like looking at my Honda. S17 was in love with it. During the whole time in a car, he was playing some amazing songs he got lately on his phone.
It's a bit scary to see that he is so much like me. His love for bikes, his taste for songs (any idea, I love MUSE), just love the way that guy sings, the gothic side of it.
Yes, I am happy because I am who I am. I am not a bad person, by the opposite, I am quite nice until someone steps on the back of my feet. Or do anything against my kids (lion type!!!), but in general I am easy going, love team work.
And RD, it may sound like BS to keep saying one day we will meet and drink that beer, even ride that bike, or step on that mountain and dance like Indians asking for good feelings. I will make it a goal and will work towards it.
Even if it is just to say Thank You my friend, you made a huge difference in my life. I will be there.
By the way, cooked some shrimp with an original Irish butter and it tasted divine (at least the package said it was original Irish). I guess you guys make really good butter.
You is funny is that even my kids ask about RD and what is going on now. They still talk at dinner time about RD and his kids, sometimes they figure a Mafia family, some other times the IRA family, they are crazy and we all have fun. Once I told them that you were thinking to visit us, oh my, they were just planning how much they are going to beat you up and send you back to Ireland inside your own suitcase. Knuckle heads!!!
Love and hugs from Pink's crew to RD's crew. You are an amazing man that conquered my heart RD.
Hi all, I am finally divorced. Just left court and it is final. It does not feel good and not too bad. It's a mix of past, present and future.
Life goes on and I need to gather the pieces and start a new life. Financially I am not in a bad spot, emotionally I need to put everything in order.
I am sad, very and extremely sad. At the end of our court meeting, XH tried to talk to me, I just looked at him and left. Walked by myself to the parking lot. If it is DB or not I did not care. I just did not want any contact today.
This emptiness is cruel, but I better be patient with myself and take one day at a time and let it heal as I go.
I plan in filling my life with lots of stuff, now that it is almost all resolved, I won't need to put so much time and energy on papers and organizing for the D.
At the parking lot, H was crying beside his car. I did not stop, I left because it is not my job anymore to make his life easier.
I did not stand in his way, and I won't ever. I will worry about myself and my children and let the universe take care after whatever will happen next.
I am at work now, reality does not forgive and I need to keep working.
Thank you my DB friends for all the support and loving advices you gave me during this past year. Without it I would not be in a state of mind I am today. Life moves on, and I am moving with it. Just hope better day are in the horizon, because I have been tested for too long. It is time to start smiling.
I did breath and was looking really good for my D. I actually just realized that I was wearing the same theme colors I did wear when we got married on civil court back in Brasil. Funny coincidence, I did not think about it until now.
H saw my Sicilian blood running through my veins today and he better stay away because I really want to cut his head off right now.
It's a new me and I am no longer his wife. I won't be a bitch to him because we have our kids and we need to be good parents, but it's "finito" the whole crying baby BS he has been pulling to get my sympathy.
So girls, I did breath, almost like a dragon, but I did breath and everything worked well. At the end H is broken and I will keep my life. Not too bad for first time divorcee.
Hi Pink. You did great I can't imagine how hard it was for you but let's not dwell on the past. H now has to put on his big boy pants and live his life
Going back to work is a good idea. Fill your mind with other things and concentrate on your plans for your new life.
I hope the D gives you a sense of detachment and you are able to get off H's roller coaster It will take a while for you to gather your thoughts and time will help you decide if you stand or not.
I hope you continue to post and tell us how you become more like the Pink of old and tell us more stories from your past
Take extra care of yourself and those boys. It's a new chapter in the life of Pink and it's going to be a great one
Pink, it sounds like you did really well today. A tough thing to go through and you got through it. It sounds like you coped better than your H. I'm sorry to hear he was distressed. He has made some bad choices lately and is lying on the bed he has made now.
I can understand your anger towards him. It takes a lot of time to find peace in our situations and for the anger to pass. I'm not there yet, and nor are you - that's okay.
But, I'm pleased to see that you are looking forward. Looking forward to having this difficult phase behind you and moving on towards joy.
As others have said, D does not make a difference in terms of standing. That is entirely up to you - stand or don't stand. We all understand and will support whichever way. Only you get to decide.
For now, be gentle with yourself, and enjoy some peace when you can. Take some time to recover and enjoy the many good things in your life.
Thank you so much for your lovely post on my thread which made me cry - the part about looking in the mirror and not feeling shame. That is so important. Being a LBS is one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through. But I am glad not to be the WAS. I think that is harder.
Take care my lovely friend....I will wear pink for you tomorrow xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Great job today, Pink! You should stand proud that you did not break. You are strong and will only become stronger. I hope I can show half the dignity you have shown. Hugs to you!
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Pink, sounds like you did a great job on a (censored) day. Time to continue moving forward and continue to let yourself heal and grow. One day your H will wake up with many regrets. He clearly has not dealt with things in a healthy way.
Sending a big hug to you today.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I have nothing of real value to add here other than to just say I'm with you in the sadness of what has finalized, but also with you in looking forward to whatever the future has in store for you!
Hugs and strength your way...
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
Pink...sending you some good will on a day that represents the worst of the pain you've endured.
Of all the things you've done right, standing by your M is the best.
I don't know about you, but I've had many, many people share with me that they were divorced when they find out my status. When they do the first thing I ask, and I am not shy about it, is this: "Who walked?"
Guess what? Those people that get uncomfortable, try to complicate the issue and murk those waters, avoid the question...I wish them well. I can still work with them, do business with them, etc...but they aren't going to have a home in my emotional support group.
But there are also a few that can look me in the eye and admit that while they had fault in the M, it was never their decision, and it was a hard loss to accept. And that while they grew, and their life is better now, they didn't think the D was necessary to achieve those ends, and they will always consider that a tragedy.
Pink...I congratulate you on being a person that can respond that way to whomever asks for the rest of your life.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I just caught up with your thread. Wow you have done great! Not an easy road to travel. My ex had a MLC too. It helped me to learn about it so I could understand better what happened. It does not make their behavior ok. They have a right to be lost and confused but it's not ok to treat us badly. It is hard when they are sad and weak. It pulls on your heart strings. You handled everything so well. V is right when she says he fired you as his W. You can point him in the direction of help but it's not your job to "fix" him. Lessons I had to learn too.
It is normal and healthy to feel sad. This will pass and I predict a bright happy future for you is right around the corner.
Best wishes,
Karma
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Thanks RD, Toots, V, ep0215, BT13, Jedi, HeavyD, Zues126 and Karma12 for stopping by during a time of sorrow.
RD, I have been hurt pretty bad, never tough that XH would do such thing and behave in such a way. But it is what he wants and I am nobody to stand in his way.
One thing is for sure, I have many other kinds of love in my life and I have a lot of good in it. My kids are being very supportive and they are very kind to me. The only thing they get mad about these days is that they don't want me to even consider to get back to XH.
I feel sad to hear their comments that they are better off without him and that he was nothing more then an abusive father that always want to compete with them instead of taking pride on their accomplishments.
Was I so blind for so long? My kids give me examples of facts that happen in the past and they say that I always tried to look to the other side and ignore that XH was just a selfish jerk.
Really? Now, when I hear their claims, I feel that XH has an even bigger problem then what I image.
Toots, I don't know about the standing or not standing for me. Sometimes I think it would be 100% harder to get back it that someone is still the same or even worse person then before.
And, when I think about a guy like RD, loving his kids, taking care after them, standing alone to an enormous load of work that these kids demand on us. I feel that I really would like to meet someone like that. Engage in life not only for himself, willing to look into himself and say that I am human, made mistakes but I will at least try to learn new stuff and become better.
For now, I decided do not think much about any R, including XH. I want to concentrate in my future and what direction I will take. I am also excited that I need to fight with life again and start building something new for the kids and I.
ep, BT, jedi, Heavy, Zues and Karma you all have values that are on the top of my list of admiration. Indeed we are the strong ones, and that's why we are here, learning, falling and standing up again and again. We all deserve better and sometimes we need to let go on the stubbornness and realize that the one we treasure so dear to us is a weak, coward person that does not value their own commitments.
I will stay in this board and share some of my experience, my learnings, my accomplishments. Giving others support during their hard journey too. It will be my time to say "LET IT GO" and that things will eventually be all right and you will be OK at the end.
And, you can all laugh, but I need to stay in touch with RD, who knows... maybe my trip to Ireland is not so far after all.
I love all of you that are so kind, my heart goes out to all that is suffering right now, at night I prayer goes to all your hearts and I ask for wisdom for each and all of us. That we choose the right words, gestures, path. That our decisions will be guided with grace and humility and that we will feel clean during and after this battle for our Ms.
I also think you did well, your XH just has to sit with the consequences of his actions and you can move forward knowing that you gave him every chance to work with you to make things right between you.
I hope now you can find some peace for a while
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
"Lord God, Your kindness never fails. I trust that You will be with me and have mercy on me every morning. I will depend on You from now on. Amen."
xoxo
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hey Pink, I'm sorry for where you are now, but it already sounds like you are on your way to healing. "We all deserve better and sometimes we need to let go on the stubbornness and realize that the one we treasure so dear to us is a weak, coward person that does not value their own commitments." This is something I have been telling myself over and over....
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
Hi Pink. I hope today was ok for you. I imagine the next foes days will be very difficult with lots of ups and downs. Try to stay level as best you can. I know this won't be easy for you due to the Latino blood and all that but try your best !
You have great power and you just need to let go of the hurt and pain and let yourself be you. Life was a playground for you once and you played in it every day. These times will return and sooner than you think. Yes you have a house to run and children to look after but you now can be Pink again. How about buying that Yamaha for you and S17 to ride!!!!
This is time to let H be. End of , just let him be
You are a wonderful person and have made a difference to my struggle through this time. I wish we lived closer and you and I , plus a few select DBers could meet once a week to fix the world. I'm sure I will meet at least three people from this site in the real world and you are top of the list.
I do appreciate that we can't exchange details on this board for a very good reason BUT maybe in the future Cadet can exchange a few details if enough coinage is sent via a very private courier !!!
Hello my friends, have some gossips to tell you that sounds really awkward in my humble opinion.
But first, thanks Jim... I am trying to find some balance and peace, I say trying because even feeling a bit easy I have a crazy nature in myself, so I am always on the move. So, if you know what I mean, I never give myself too much time and space to get that introspection. Maybe I need to try some meditation and learn how to be a little slow.
Bob723... thanks for your nice words and the prayer, it is very powerful and true.
PT33... Keep doing the hard work for the M and for yourself, you will too find out that what it is said in these boards by so many before us, is just the real truth. No matter what happens, if you put the right and hard work, you will become a better person and things will not feel so bad after all. Believe, I am not in a hole, much less at the bottom of it.
And of course, my lovely sweet RD...you are the best part of this whole divorce. The idea of meeting in London could actually be a great one. S17 wants to go back there (and if possible never come back to US).
Can you picture us going Put to Put until we can't walk no more and just laugh our hearts out fixing all the problems in the world? It would be the best day of our lives.
About that bike, we will see. I want to save as much as I can now because I need to have at least a year security for all my monthly expenses. I am pretty good with finances, so it won't take too long.
And I like a lot being some "Sherlock Holmes"... I always find all the info I want.
Now, the gossip: XMIL called me yesterday. First she said that she was very sorry about the whole thing and that I should never forget that I will always be part of her family and that she loves me a lot no matter what. I said thank you and said that I will always keep in touch.
The she start saying that she shouldn't say but that XH is going to France, to visit and stay with his brother. I said well, it was expected since now he has the D papers in his hand.
She said: well, I shouldn't be saying this to you but I won't say much more then that he told me he is not with her anymore for awhile ago and that there was some issues about something he found out regarding her trip to Germany. And that he is going to France to put a formal end to their kind of R.
I said that I have no idea of XH plans and to tell the truth it is not much of my business anymore. She said that XH is confused and feeling really miserable. I told her that it is very painful for me to realize that he is willing to be miserable, ruin himself financially, all this to just get rid of me.
She said that things are not exactly the way I am thinking and that XH does not think like that. She then said that she would like to give me an advice and that she knows I can take it or not, but she would like to tell me anyway.
She said that if XH comes back that I should not open the door for him ant take him back with my arms open. She said that if possible that I should tell him that there won't be a reconciliation unless he goes to counseling.
I told her I agree with it, but that is not the case since we just got the big D a day before. I told her that I really do not know where my heart will be in a few months from now, but I do not want to live my life with the illusion that someone will love me again.
She said she understands and really shouldn't be saying all this to me but she feels that she needs to since XH is starting to taste his own mess. She told me she is talking frequently with him and that I have no idea that things are very different then the way I understand and feel because I am very hurt.
We end up the conversation in good terms, she is a good person in a way, besides being MIL. I know she likes me. But, maybe she is also going nuts. Here comes the 2 x 4s but I will write it anyway... WHY DID SHE SAY ALL THIS TO ME, RIGHT AFTER THE D?
I am not very sure if I am the crazy one, including all of you too, or is XH and his family all nuts. Or maybe there is a campaign to drive me insane somehow.
Well, I am not doing anything about and I am trying do not think about, but, I am human, and it bothers me that I still give mental space to think why she said this and why he is saying all this to her? What is the point in all of this? What is really going on with XH?
Hope everyone is OK. And please, you can send all the 2 x 4s I deserve, critical comments, whatever it is I am sure it will help to get my brain straight.
XMIL is probably just concerned for her son and can see what a mess his life is and also probably knows better than he does what he has sacrificed.
The advice she gave is good, but your response was better. You need to live your life and if he ever gets his act together then you can see where your heart is.
Until then enjoy your life and leave H to wallow in his, with you giving him as little thought as possible (easier said than done I know)
I hope you have a great weekend.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim, again I agree with you and have been trying to move forward in that direction. That's my goal, because the truth is I do not have any other way around it.
V, that is very interesting the way you put it. I did not think that way at all, but it makes perfect sense since xMIL is calling me more frequently and saying things about her son, his life.
I even got a little surprised because she is very reserved with talking about this whole situation and now she is all going out and saying many things.
Yeah, I do not think that H is the one getting rid of her, but the other way around, if, and just if it happen anyway. Maybe he goes to France in September and they start their lovely romance all over. Who know... they can just go to hell.
Head up, strong and persistent, never back down, follow the dreams and live my life.
I always said I love Scarlett O'Hara from "Gone with the wind" and now I feel once again like her... "I will think about this tomorrow, it will be better tomorrow".
Hi Pink! I've got to say, in reading your xMIL's comments I think she is spot on in so many ways. She actually sounds like a pretty smart cookie. I apologize for not knowing your entire story, one of these days I'll try to play catch up on the sitches I missed during my hiatus from here. Do you know if your H is an MLCer or WAH? Her comments kind of indicate MLCer to me. The biggest difference is an MLCer can be stuck in the fog for much, much longer than a WAH. It usually takes years for them to recover.
Originally Posted By: Pink17
She said that XH is confused and feeling really miserable.
This is very typical. But the LBS is usually so caught up in their own pain and anguish that it's hard to see it, and the WAS tends to put up a cold, hard façade that makes them seem uncaring and unfeeling. But usually inside is a raging storm of confusion, and there is no question that they're hurting. They are constantly second-guessing their actions in tearing the family apart. They know they're hurting everyone around them and they are miserable because of it. There's a whole lot going in there that we never see. DB tries to get to the root of this and teach the WAS to have compassion towards the WAS and what they're going through, but admittedly it's very difficult for most of us.
Quote:
I told her that it is very painful for me to realize that he is willing to be miserable, ruin himself financially, all this to just get rid of me.
But it's not about you, not at all. ESPECIALLY if he's in MLC. His problems are internal, but he is blaming you for them. This is what WAS's do. Some of the blame is probably true and some of it complete BS. It's how they justify their actions.
Quote:
She said that things are not exactly the way I am thinking and that XH does not think like that.
I think she has a lot of insight into his turmoil. She's exactly right, what the WAS is really thinking is not at all what the LBS thinks it is.
Quote:
She said that if XH comes back that I should not open the door for him ant take him back with my arms open. She said that if possible that I should tell him that there won't be a reconciliation unless he goes to counseling.
Good grief, I want to give this woman a trophy! I'm starting to wonder if she's on these forums, LOL!
Quote:
I told her that I really do not know where my heart will be in a few months from now, but I do not want to live my life with the illusion that someone will love me again.
This is possibly the biggest heartbreak of all to me. The WAS almost always eventually wants to reconcile, but inevitably it takes soooooooo long for them to get to that point that the LBS has moved on and doesn't want a part of it. We've had a few WAS's that have posted on these forums who became the LBS after their LBS moved on. When I went through my separation and started talking to people I know about their own separations and divorces, I was shocked to find that almost every one of them was eventually approached by their ex with an attempt at reconciliation. I think that's the one thing that DB really falls short on, it gives the impression a marriage can be healed in weeks or months but it typically takes several years. Anyway please don't take that as personal criticism, we all have to do what we need to do to protect ourselves and our hearts. It is risky taking a WAS back when you know it could just happen all over again, who would want to go through this twice?
Quote:
WHY DID SHE SAY ALL THIS TO ME, RIGHT AFTER THE D?
Because your XH is saying it to her. Sometimes a big move like D can suddenly snap the WAS/ MLCer out of their fog. When they have that D paper in their hands and discover they're not relieved and happy like they thought they would be, then they start wondering if it was so wise after all.
Quote:
What is the point in all of this? What is really going on with XH?
Hopefully if you've learned anything from these forums it's that the WAS is in extreme turmoil. S doesn't end it. D doesn't end it. An affair doesn't end it. But sometimes they have to go through all 3 before they realize they have to fix what's inside, not outside. And that journey of self-discovery can be very long and painful. He may be starting it, but if so it could take him many months to sort it all out. So you're taking the right approach, just keep working on you and leave him to it. But do think about possible reconciliation, if you want to stand for him or not if it should eventually come to that. You can stand while still being independent and focusing on yourself.
Great post , another stander All the posters on the board should read this.
Hi Pink. Very interesting re the MIL. I think it shows us all we never know what WAS are thinking. We all attach our thoughts and assumptions to our WAS but in reality we just don't know
IThis is also why we shouldn't spend too much time in thought over what the WAS is thinking of doing.
Great to hear you positive and maybe looking for a bike soon ?????
Hey Pink!! Interesting chat with MIL and you've had some great advice already. So, TauC has come up short - quell surprise!! It's nice that you still have positive contact with MIL, but I would suggest you don't focus too much on this.
The 'going to France to end things' is a bit of a red flag to me. Often contact like that leads to things restarting you know? There may well be some ebbing and flowing there for a little while.
Your MIL's words echo what posters have been saying for a while. Your H isn't in a good place. And I think if you can feel compassion for him, whilst moving positively forward with your own life - that's the best way.
MIL can't solve his problems for him, only he can - and to be frank - until or unless he is able to maturely face and start working through his own demons and the mess his life is in....you have better things to be focusing on.
I hope none of this sounds harsh. But I just don't want your focus to shift back onto your H - because I think he's far from baked yet.
Keep being awesome Pink. Live and love your life. Heal from your D. Co-parent positively and have inner compassion for H's plight....who knows what life going forward may hold????? xxxxxxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I’m just swinging by to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there...I know you will make it.
xoxo
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hello friends, I am divorced and I would think that some of the craziness would be gone and could at least focus in my life moving forward. But it is not, and things are really getting to me big time.
At this point in my life I would like to be left alone to deal with my own stuff, looking at and also creating a life for my kids and I and trying to see the positives in that.
Well, it is hard when you have someone that is still coming and talking about our R, our M.
Heellooooooo! There is no M, it was dissolved because it is totally broken and we agree it can't be repaired. That is what means to go to court and literally have it done.
XH texted me last Friday wanting to meet on the weekend because he wanted to resolve paperwork stuff. I said I was busy and Monday would be a better day because we could call and resolve the phones all at once. He agreed.
Monday he came to the house by 7pm. Ok, not much time to call customer service since most of them have only automated service after 6pm. XH was not very inclined to do any work, I piled up some papers on my kitchen table and started explaining to him what I did and what needs to be done.
XH was not into resolving anything. Instead, he start the R talk.
We talked from 7pm to 00:30 am. My kids left to pick up S15 from football practice, then they come back home, S15 took a shower and they left for dinner and a movie.
These are what XH talked about: 1. Life has been very hard because I miss my family, I miss you and I miss my kids. 2. I have been making one mistake on top of another. 3. I am very stupid for not realizing how much you loved me and was always there for me. 4. I should have been a better H for you. 5. I did not give you attention and the support you needed. 6. I was always worried about myself, my career. 7. I regret many decision I took in the last few years, because it hurt our M. 8. I made a big mistake getting myself into another R when all what I do is to love you and miss you badly. 9. I took you from my life because I felt you were very unhappy beside me, so I tough I was doing you a favor. 10. I took you from my life because I was also unhappy and you left me alone and only gave me a lot of support to move on with my life, and now I feel like I was never so unhappy during our 18 years of marriage. 11. I need to resolve my childhood problems because I feel like it did interfere on my decisions, my R with you. 12. My mother did not want me, she got pregnant when her marriage was basically done and she did not want to have another kid. I was born with an hernia problem and couldn't be operated until 6 to 9 months old, during that time my mother left me crying alone for many hours. And then she left when I was almost three. She abandoned me and never came back. 13. I felt like at some point in our M you also abandoned me, now I can see so clear that you have been the only person in this world that really and honestly loved and love me. 14. Do you want to know what is really odd? Do you guess who is the only person that gave me a lot of support during this whole divorce? ...only you. It's was and it is the only person that gives me support and comfort. 15. I know you can't believe me, but I do love you with all my heart and I do miss you. 16. I am not in a R with the OP for awhile now. I won't lie to you that we talked sometime after we were done, but I do not have anything with her anymore. I have no one in my life. I am seeing no one. 17. I will go to France for my brother's B-day just because he is turning 50 this year and I am not planning to see OW. 18. You may not believe but this was one of my biggest mistakes in life, I do not feel good when I look at what I did. And I will tell you again that I never cheated on you during the time we were together, things got physical only after our separation. 19. I am going to New Hampshire and I will try to meet with my stepmother and accept the help she always offered me, I want to talk to her, I know she cares about me and I also need to make some sense of all this. 20. I made my life a mess and I am seeing the consequences and I regret many things I did. 21. I care about you deeply and now I see how much you always cared for me, even more then I ever did for you. 22. You are a beautiful woman, and now you are even better, I see how strong you are, how sweet and gentle you are, you have a big heart and integrity. I really, really regret the day I said you are "Rude" because I said it in the heat of the moment and you will never forgive me for saying that to you. 23. I could ever and never had chosen a better mother for my children. 24. I am afraid to get back into our M, I feel that after all I did to you things can start getting worse then before because now you will find out you don't love me anymore.
This was a hard talk, I did control myself and did not say a word of what H needs or don't need to do to solve his problems. I told him what I think in things related to my life:
1. I am looking for a new job, career, a new step to try and make my life better and have a good purpose to breath every day. 2. I want to help others, I can and I feel better this way. 3. I want to support my children and make them good men. 4. I have been in a very intense journey with my faith and I made a lot of improvement with my relationship with my God. 5. I would like to feel sorry for myself and just close the bedroom door and be depressed, but I can't. I like life, I like nature, people, dancing, learning... I have something inside of me that just won't rest or give up. Even when I am very unhappy, I have this power that moves me forward and makes me see whatever to smile again. 6. I care about you, I loved you dear for all these years and I still love you, but because of the way I feel about you, that I need to let you go, I just want to see you happy with the decision you are taking. If you want to be away from me, then I wish you are doing it to be in a better place. 7. I will never tell you that I understand to give up on family because I would be lying. I believe in family values and the value of my own family. I think every family goes through a hard time, busy time, confused time...but it is up to the members of that family to really understand how important it is and how you need to work hard to hold it together. 8. I need to resolve my life, I am looking into what is my next chapter and I may relocate. I am exploring my options and try to find my path. I will let him know if I decide to relocate as it is a rule from the court. 9. I need to move on now and I am working towards that. I have a good friend from Ireland that I share my daily life since he is also going through similar issues. 10. I have been very close with my friends and it has been somewhat fun to go out, dance, do different stuff by myself and with the kids. 11. The kids and I are planning a road trip to the east coast and will stop at his parents house. 12. I had, have and will have a close R with his whole family. They called me and told me that I will always be part of their family and that they love me a lot. So, I accept it. 13. I am very busy, my responsibilities are many and I need to hold on myself to get all done. 14. I am working full time now. 15. I learned and understand a little more about the whole "LOVE" issue. I read "Five Languages of Love" and I figured that I always gave the wrong kind of love to him, all what I did to show love, was not doing any good because (now) I understand he was not getting the point. 16. I did not say a word about future, about working on our M. I just talked to him as you talk about someone that just passed away. Like when you talk about things after the funeral. 17. I did not say a word about advice, expectations, hope. No, nope. I really, really want to say to him:
If you are saying all this to me, why we can't work on our M, our love and make it work? Why you keep saying all this to me when you don't want anything with me anymore?
But I said nothing. I listened most of the time. I can't say it is a knife on my chest. It hurt, because he says many, many things but he did not say the magic words: "I regret my decision and I would like to give ourselves the chance to make things right. Would you agree to work on our M, maybe go to counseling together?
No, nothing like that. So, I need to keep on moving on, H is still lost and the D reality is hitting him hard, but it does not mean he wants get back with me.
As hard as it sounds, I need to let go. He does not want me in his life for a long time. He divorced me. At some point he probably despised me. XH cheated on me, lied to me, and maybe is still lying. My children do not want him back.
I don't know anymore, I came to this site trying to save my M and now I feel very confused, I don't know if it is what I want anymore. I am very hurt and the wounds are very deep. I just don't know what to do anymore.
My head feels like it is going to explode sometimes, I am very tired, stressed out with all this. Many times I need to just sit or lay down because I feel kind of sick, but I am not sick. So, it is all taking a toll on me.
Last night, XH sent me a text saying: I will plan to stop by tomorrow around 5:30pm. I hope you got some rest & your neck/back is still better.
I am sorry I have been very inconsistent and very selfish too. I am not writing to other right now and just take your advices. I want to be in my sweet spot again, but right now I am so exhausted, I feel it is better to just give up on XH once for all and do not deal with the DB anymore.
Michelle was not joking when she said that if you want to save your M, prepare yourself for a long and painful journey. It is indeed the biggest truth that those books hold. It hard to let go, but it is much harder to hang in there and keep trying.
Right now, all what I want is to disappear and have some kind of amnesia so it would all go away.
Thanks again for the input on MIL comments. I agree with stander that she was just saying what she heard and that she was kind to be honest and let me know.
Hi Pink (former Toots here - decided to change my name.)
Gosh!! It certainly sounds as though the reality of D is biting for your H. He clearly has regrets, but I think you may be a little like an ocean liner here....slow to turn.
TBH - you have (both!) been through so much here, I think the dust probably needs to settle. The ink on the D agreement is barely dry!!
I would buy yourself some space and time and if you are at all interested in possible R, see what unfolds? Starsky once said that a good way to approach things may be to date for a few months without making any kind of decision - just to see how you feel in each others company.
However, a note of caution on the OW sitch. I'm sure someone also posted that unless WAS has been free of OP for at least six months, and firmly committed to R, it's not a good idea to 'go there.' And I think there are some conflicting messages about OW from MIL, H etc.
I would keep moving forward and making your own plans for now my lovely. You may also want to set some boundaries with H on massive R talks if they are difficult for you.
Sotto xxx ps: my H just filed for D this week...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Pink. I just came on to your thread to see if you had posted
That sounded like a very hard time. Your H is truly lost and is allready regretting his decision. This is a time for you to do nothing Let your thoughts settle and carry on with your life. Give everything time. His words were not easy to say and maybe he didn't say the exact words you wanted to hear but to an outsider he sounded like he is unsure of what he is thinking himself
You can't let this effect your health You need time to heal from the recent hurt and time to decide what's best for you.
I'm not trying to defend your H but he iis in a very bad place and lost. You were together a long time and you need time before doing anything
I hope the vets post because I'm sure they have experience of this and can advise you.
Don't worry about posting on others peoples threads , everyone understands when people are too upset or involved in their own sitch for a time
Hi Sotto and RD, as usual you always come to my rescue. Thank you so much for being there for me.
Sotto, I am really sorry to hear about the filing. Well, you see what is happening to my XH. I heard from Stander recently that sometimes people need to go to the extreme of D to just figure things out and most of the time they will regret what they did.
I was even reading some statistics about this and it is amazing how so much more researches are being made on re-marriages. It's alarming that couples break up and even D. Just to get back together a few years down the road.
Yes, I hear you and I think that is the best I can do right now. But I also know that I am just human and I confess that sometimes it is very hard to be strong, wait. Sometimes I feel like saying to him that if he wants to work on the R then we can talk and if he does not, so go fly a kite.
Well, I know better that it is baby steps, if I decide to stick to this.
RD, my lovely, could not help and spoke about my good friend that helps me to get through a lot of my issues. No details, H does not need that. Told him about you saying that it seems like your neighbors are dropping dirty laundry at your house.
I laughed and said that I feel very close to you since we are going through the same stuff. H asked me how did I meet you, well, none of your business.
I get your words about XH. But I also do not trust all what he is saying to me. For example, he is going to France but he is not planning to see OW? Really? First, he does not need to say anything to me, why? because we are divorced. His life is his business and I do not need to know anything and much less he needs to tell me this stuff.
The point here is that he is going there, he could easily say he can't right now, his brother would understand. H probably got a foot on his rear and he will maybe try one last time to see if things can work between then.
And that is the part that I am very tired already. H just go to hell you and your OW.
There is a say that there is a thin line between love and hate and I can say now that it is very true.
Oh my goodness Pink, what an emotional roller coaster your XH is on. You must be exhausted beyond measure.
Please allow yourself some time to breathe and heal. I pray that your XH has the respect for to you give you a bit of space, for the good of both of you. He sounds like he is spinning in circles never knowing where he is going to land or where he will be in the circle when he runs into you.
How unfair for you. I'm sending you all the strength I have in me, just reading your post left me exhausted!
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Pink I have read a lot of your posts, but may not have the full story. From what you said he said it sounds like he wants try again, even though he didn't directly say it. It sounds like he has done a lot of reflection and he can at least identify his issues and what he has done wrong, which a lot of people can never do. It also sounds like he has a lot of work to do on making himself healthy before he can even think of starting over with you. And I think that is something that you would have to see before you put yourself through anything again. I could be totally off though...
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
Hi PP and PT, thanks for stopping by and helping me.
PP - XH has been in this crazy journey since 2013. Since then I insisted that H would get some help, asked him to go to MC and he always said NO to every attempt.
Finally I left it alone and did not engage in this subject anymore. Well, I think that's when he tough I gave up on him as he keep saying it to me. So the emotional roller coaster is going on for a long, very long time already.
PT - Yes, it is all like that. XH is saying all this stuff, he is even a lot wormer towards me now. Before, his texts were all logistic and now he even make a point to ask if I got some rest and if my neck was still feeling OK.
But, what can I do? He says all this but he did not say he wants to work on the M?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO... and that is it. I don't have a clue of what to do.
We got divorced and I need my space, move forward, etc... so that is what I am doing. Not too hard for a person like me. I am already very independent. It hurts, but I can do it.
But then XH has pursuing more now then before... just that pursuing but not committing. What can I do? How do you DB here. Do I show myself all neighbor and disconnect. Do I continue being somewhat friendly, not saying a word about R or M or the past, even if he says it constantly.
Do I set straight boundaries and ask H to disappear?
We have teenagers, but he insist that he always needs to talk to me about dates and times with the kids.
I already said to him to just call the boys and they would tell me, but XH does not listen and do not respect it either.
I spoke w/my lawyer and he said that H is not doing anything wrong and for the court he is just showing he has a good will to work with me in co parenting well.
Do I engage with him in all this R talks and ask if he would go to counseling? I don't want to initiate anything.
I feel that he is the one that left me and he should be the one the talk first. In his crazy head he thinks I was the one that left him first, he just put name on things, made it official.
Maybe now, I am more lost then XH. Besides, since he did not say with all the words that he would like to work on his marriage, how do I know if he is just saying all this but won't come back?
I don't know what to think. How can he say all this and yet don't say anything really clear? Maybe he is also getting the same message from me. I also said that I loved him a lot and that I did not show it to him the right way.
I said I am and was very proud of him, that he is a good man and he was always a good father and a good provides for our family.
But he also hear that I am looking for a new job and maybe out of Colorado, he knows I am going out with friends. He knows there is a guy that is always trying to go out on a date and I just do not want anything to do with him right now.
You see, because I don't know what to do, I feel that it is better if I just go away. Maybe if I put distance on all this, everything will be resolved.
Any, but really any advice is welcome. I just feel so lost. I have many whys, but one that is hard now, is why it is all happening now. I thought that the D would solve things for awhile, that we would be just business like and move forward.
I feel you. I went back and forth with my own head, wondering what H's thoughts were, esp as he was claiming to certain people that I was the one that wanted the D. (No! Must try to talk with him about this! Must reach out!...barf)
Remember you're not responsible for his feelings or actions and these are big boys. And the advice I intend to take next time - "he's gotta love you a little more than you love him if it's gonna work"
I know it's torturous to wonder if you're missing out an opportunity to bring them back, like deep down they want to be back? I get it.
Just keep being you, authentically, I think. If it's enough to draw him all the way back, then you guys can start there, and I imagine he'd speak up for himself, but don't you dare to the work for him after he's made this mess!
But, with that said, I think an ex (especially one that built a family) will always be a draw for comfort, ego, curiosity - try to not torture yourself dear lady.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Hi Zelda, thank you! I guess I am somewhat doing the right thing, because I am not suppose to be even thinking much about this... so much for Detachment!!. Lol.
Went home at lunch time and the boys said that XH texted them asking to hang out with them after he talks with mom.
At that same moment I decided to tell the kids that I am going out for a dinner. They asked with whom and I said with a friend that is trying to help me to get a job. Not true, but half truth.
This way I will resolve the two or three things I need to resolve with him today and then leave. He can stay in a house with the boys or not, I really do not care.
I guess this will solve some of the R and M talks, and I won't be so worked out by all his words. Cira, remember: "Believe nothing what they say and only 50% what they do".
I am finding it much easier to be far away from all of this and from XH, I guess at some point I will just get used to this.
I always wanted my M, my family. Life is a hell for all of us for quite awhile. But I guess I just need to see the truth that XH is just being the idiot he is lately and I am being the doormat that I have been lately.
I just need to let go, let go, let go. I think I need a boyfriend to forget about XH. I am feeling so bad today and I still need to stand up and continue.
I am without balance, I am overwhelmed... I need to try to concentrate in what is most important for me... myself.
It would be really easy to see in everything he said that he wants to come back but to start thinking that a will torture you and anyway may not help you to do what you need to.
I hope you don't mind me saying, but you give him way too much access to your time and space.
For starters, he shouldn't get to pop round unless he's invited at a time of your choosing.
Personally I think you need some sort of statement that you can carry in your mind and in your heart that means you don't do any explaining.
Something like.
XH, I loved you throughout our marriage and will always love you, but you divorced me and my life needs to reflect that. I hope you do what you need to to find happiness in whatever path your life takes.
Part of me then says to tell him to take a hike unless/until he is in any kind of state to come back and treat you in the way he should have always treated you.
On the other hand validating him and his concerns, showing warmth and compassion to him does act as quite the lighthouse, but you definitely need to be more mysterious about you.
Hope your otherwise ok.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi Pink, I think you just jumped straight back on to the rollercoaster right after your D!
I don't think you need a boyfriend to feel better. That's going to complicate your life no end! There is no need to make any decisions about H either just now.
If H truly wants to try and win you back, I think he is going to have to offer much more than words. I think he is going to have to dig deep, you know? As Starsky might say - Alot has happened! - and there is no easy recovery from that...
Part of me wonders if he just needed reassurance that (even though you just D'd) you are right where he left you. Reassured, he can then go off to France and potentially see OW to 'end' things - but we know that can go either way.
For now, I would just draw back some and let the dust settle. See what happens over time. Recover from your D, just be Pink, and don't climb on that rollercoaster again just now. Keep H at whatever distance you are comfortable with....
And above all - take care of yourself and those lovely boys xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Jim and Sotto, thanks my dear friends. As usual I agree with you both, your words have a lot of weight and that is what I need to do.
So, I think I will be doing the right thing today and just spend enough time with XH to resolve our financial issues, whatever we can in the time I have for him today.
Then I will jump on my horse and leave for good. I think I need to give him some cold shoulder from now on.
Why do I still like such person??? I guess I really need to exam my soul and check for bugs, I should be infected with some stupidity bug.
XH was at the house when I got there. He was his usual very caring and polite. I went straight to business, resolved two accounts and then I had a coffee.
XH decided to have a cup of tea like it is his house and everything is normal. I then asked him about the house key. He was surprised I asked him. I said that it its just normal since that is not his house anymore.
XH cried and said that he is the only one to blame for so much pain. That he is an idiot and was blind for so long that now he can just regret his choices and will try to learn from his many mistakes.
I told him that I sure share in the blame, the only difference is that I deal with problems a little different. He then reminded me that I always said that if there is a problem, one needs to get the hands dirty.
Well, all the same. I love you, never stop loving you. Does not know how I will deal with my life in this big mess. I am broke and need to face the consequences of my decisions. I am not engaged in any R, and blah, blah, blah.
At this point I said that I was leaving. The kids asked me when I was coming back and I said around 10 0r 10:30pm. Then the kids asked me if this was the job meeting and I said that was something like that.
XH was taking the kids out to dinner. That is also changing, he is getting closer to the boys, is talking more with them. It seems like after the D he became another person. More humble, more down on himself, like he suddenly saw what he is doing.
I don't know what will happen. But I thought about and I can't drag myself into the pit. It has taken all my energy and I am not focusing in my own life. Whatever XH is around, it is all tears, and regrets and R talks.
It need to stop, so I decided to DB this situation. Seems like my D was just a piece of paper after all, because our situation is still the same. Even more intense right now.
It could be the effects of seeing it all done, but I know XH and I see that somehow he is changing. He is somehow seeing things a little more clear now. His words ( and I know...don't believe what they say) but the words are more of self analyses. All the stubbornness, all the egocentric attitude, his way of dealing with conflict and pain, his reactions to others. He seems like having a self check book and is really upset he has done so much wrongs that destroyed his life.
Well I need to move forward, I need to find a balance in between having him around and in this huge conflict and making myself better.
I have been reading TOs story, and it's amazing how much she endured to save her marriage.
I want to start reading 25 story, she tells that she had a year making many mistakes and finally found that balance accepting that her only chance to repair her marriage was letting go of the old and attracting her Hubby with new. She transformed herself into a person only a fool would leave and that's what I need to concentrate right now.
After all, if he never takes that step to realize his family is his life, then at least I will be feeling better about myself.
So today I will start looking forward. It's not about dancing, going out with friends, doing a zumba class. It's all of that and it is rewriting my future. I will concentrate my energy into what I want for a career path, listing my bad habits and finding the way to change what I don't like, I want and I will be the person I left behind somewhere.
I basically had enough and all what I am doing is not working for me. I know H is noticing my changes, but right now it is not enough for myself. Right now it became much more then just him noticing some little changes on me. I know myself and I am faking and living an illusion of change.
I need some core changes, I need to rescue myself from this mud I have been swimming in for too long.
Starting today, I will take charge on my own life and I will do my best to help others in this board and get all the help I can to make the real DB work. Funny ahn, doing DB work when I am post D. But this is what happen to me and instead of ignoring it, I will embrace it.
From the bottom of my heart I can only say that you all have been a life saver to me. I do not have family in this country, I felt really alone sometimes, the insecurity played big on my journey. But you all did comfort me, gave me the courage to stand up for myself, supported me in my bad and good decisions, gave advices that are changing my life.
I found good people with an amazing heart here, humble people willing to look into themselves and doing very hard work to become better people to others. I found values that matter in life, friends that have no face but have the most beautiful intentions.
You are all part of my journey and I am not at the bottom, I am not in a million pieces all the time, I am not depressed and discouraged feeling sorry for myself... it all because of you.
Thank you for all you did and are doing for me, my life is better because of YOU!!!!
Hi Pink! I have been thinking about you a lot and last night I heard this song by Taylor Swift and I thought of your sitch.
People like you always want back the love they gave away And people like me wanna believe you when you say you've changed...
Here you are now calling me up But I don't know what to say I've been picking up the pieces of the mess you made People like you always want back the love they pushed aside But people like me are gone forever when you say good bye
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I will have my piece of paper soon, and like you, I look to make the core changes and move forward truly. I love how you mentioned that GAL is sometimes but an illusion.
Maybe there will be humility and growth for both of you up ahead still. Wishing the best for you, that trust in the process will bring you happily to your new life.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Hi Pink, I have been reading information on the Hearts Blessing website. She has a range of articles about MLC, and Q&As too. I thought of your H when I read this. It is from her article - Returning back: the first awakening:
To “awaken” means to go from sleep to gradual awareness. This first “awakening” that comes during the latter half of the Replay stage, has been compared to the story of “Rip Van Winkle”, who slept for 20 years, and awoke to find everything had changed. When a mid-life spouse awakens, they find much the same aspect, (everything has changed, or is changing) except their awakening occurs in gradual steps.
1. They awaken to the reality/truth of the situation as it’s become
2. They awaken to the reality/truth what they have done/are doing
3. They awaken to the fact that if they do not do something, all will be lost.
Their awakening, regardless of how it comes about, is usually triggered as a result of a loss (real or imagined) perceived as coming, or is about to happen. This leads to a greater awareness within them, and various changes begin to occur as a result.
It is possible that finalising the D and the loss associated with this may have caused an awakening within your H. Of course I'm no expert, but there is something of a change here. I would encourage you to read the article and see what you think.
From your perspective, I would just keep things light, pleasant and supportive and not change your path for now. As you say, there is work you want to do on you.....
Keep on DBing Pink!!! xxx
Last edited by Sotto; 08/13/1504:31 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
.Their awakening, regardless of how it comes about, is usually triggered as a result of a loss (real or imagined) perceived as coming, or is about to happen. This leads to a greater awareness within them, and various changes begin to occur as a result.
Did you ever read any AMYC?
Here is how she came out of her MLC
Originally Posted By: AmyC
It was actually a series of events, one being a huge dose of reality. My husband had left for a second time, I had gotten rid of the OM and I was really alone for the first time. I just couldn't run anymore and I couldn't look at myself in the mirror either.
Also, last August 13th, I was on the scene of a motorcycle accident up the road from my house in which the man died with me sitting in the ditch beside him waiting for the ambulance. I can not effectively describe what that did to me but it had A LOT to do with me recognizing how quickly everything can be gone and what is really important.
There is no one thing that is going to pull somebody out of a MLC. It depends on the person. IMO, non-interference by the LBS will allow a person to come through it quicker.
During my MLC, I did not see ANYTHING for what it really was. I don't know how to explain the deception I was under which was largely self-imposed.
But right about this time last year I starting pulling my head out of my ass and it was not a pretty picture at all.
A good post. I really like the latter half of it about you and how you intend to move forward for you. And the thanks you express can easily be echoed back to you from many of us.
Originally Posted By: Pink
That he is an idiot and was blind for so long that now he can just regret his choices and will try to learn from his many mistakes.
Its at this point i just want someone to say to him something like
'well you could also stop wallowing in your self inflicted misery and start trying to make things right again'
Better yet would have been if you had said. 'I know. your loss.' and then with a flick of the hair walked away.
Not sure i'm being particularly constructive but your H divorced you and he needs to both understand what that means and take some responsibility rather than still acting the victim. Probably best you listen to Sotto rather than me.
although as I typed I remember a thread by Job that I read a little while back which I think might be useful in your circumstance. Here's the link, so when you get a chance take a look.
Hi Pink. Mall the posters before me have great advice. Your dealing with this really well and there is only one hing you can control and that's you.
Your post was really powerful and you showed your love for H. This is not a bad thing I think a lot of the time we try to convince ourselves that we don't. It's much healthier to realise that we do.
Hello Sweetie, thanks so much for your lovely post on my thread. It is always good to hear from you, and I take strength from the fact that you have made it through D and I can do the same. That's my motto just now - Pink did this and so can I!
I hope you are just spending some time healing, having fun, working, living and moving forward. I can see you were affected by your H's response straight after the D, but I'm glad that you didn't get drawn too back into the 'crazy.' Time will tell and I don't think your H sounds like he could be a great partner to anyone just now - still baking in the MLC oven I think....
For now, just be glad things are resolved, you are secure and settled - and carry on being fabulous Pink!! xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Please start a new thread. You have 104 postings/replies.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes Pink.....I've been hesitant to post as your thread may lock any time soon. But I have been thinking of you and hoping things are going well for you. As you can see, RD and I are missing you!!
Do keep posting my friend and let us know how you are doing. You are my inspiration that I too can get through this D and thrive.
(((((PINK)))))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
