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Lifes Twists #2580607 06/22/15 01:14 AM
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That was a nice surprise. A good way to start the day.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



Lifes Twists #2582588 06/27/15 10:57 AM
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I had another interesting talk with the ex during the evening of fathers day. I have noticed that she always includes something she has lost because of what has happened. This time she said that she wanted to thank me for all the trips and adventures we had together and as a family. That those created many great memories. She lamented that she probably would not have anymore as she was not one to do them on her own. I said to her that you never know where life is going to take you and that opportunities may come along.

We then talked a bit about her. She said that she has come to realize that she cannot trust her own mind. That with the depression and things like the menopause that what she thought was not always real. We talked about the fact that a lot of times the person dealing with the depression feels they are being judged by others. I told her this is quite common and that most likely they are not being judged by the other person. That in fact the other person may be very concerned for them.

I can see that she is slowly digging her way out of where she has been. I am not sure if the listing of things she has lost (
Identity as a wife, Identity as a mother, Loss of getting out to experience life on trips and adventures) are openings that I should be following up on or should I just sit back?


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Lifes Twists #2582592 06/27/15 12:25 PM
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LT,
Your wife is slowly waking up and she feels safe to talk about things to you. I would be a friend and just listen and validate. If she asks for your comment, then you provide it...otherwise, just listen. The more you listen, the more you will learn about where your wife's head is at right now.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2583289 06/30/15 12:05 AM
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Thanks Job,

So we went a movie last night, "Spy" with Mellisa McCarthy. Great movie and I have not heard my ex laugh so much in a long time. We talked about the kids on the way over and about some of our stuff on way home. My ex said that we were both dealing with illnesses over the last couple years that really got in the way of things. She indicated that she felt we were both getting through them and had worked on ourselves.I have long suspected my lung issues may have been the final trigger to BD. I feel that it is good that she has acknowledged that she was also dealing with an illness that got the better of her. I think things keep moving slowly in a good direction.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Lifes Twists #2589299 07/18/15 11:30 AM
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I have not posted for a few weeks. I find if I post too often then I want to push on things so I have things to write. My ex is pulling a pushing a bit. Sometimes she wants to keep a conversation going, other times not.

We took a trip up to look at a school with my middle and youngest daughter. The day went very well. We had good conversations. After the trip my ex was worried how the kids would react to us having a family type day trip together. I told her that if they acted in a negative way to tell me and we would talk to them together.

She continues to bring up at least one thing she feels she lost or how hard it is trying to do it on her own in just about every conversation we have. My ex has never been an out going individual. She was never one to ask for or take what she wants. She has never been one to lead. I am starting to wonder if she is letting me know in her way that she is ready to discuss things about us and a future. I am wondering if this is her trying to temp check me without step out to far and getting hurt herself. I am contemplating if I should find a time to allow this conversation to take place or wait till she forces it. I suspect she never will on her own as that would be totally out of character for her.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Lifes Twists #2589395 07/18/15 04:50 PM
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Out of character for her? Isn't that part of what this is about though?

I'd say make the room for her to have the conversation, but not too much. She seems to need to figure out her voice and identity and seems very unsure of herself.

Just a thought.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2589469 07/18/15 08:48 PM
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LT, I know what you mean. I agree with AJ, that she needs to find her footing and if she wants something to happen bad enough, she has to find the way. However, I think this is also walking a fine line for you. It is hard to know what would make a difference towards one outcome or another.

As you know from my sitch, I’ve been also thinking that H might never make the first step, even if he would like to. My sitch is different though. We are not communicating (outside of business) and not spending time together. We are not even talking. It think I would have a different prospective if we would talk and communicate on a regular basis. I would probably ask some questions to see where H's head is.

I would say give it some more time before you decide to start a conversation. I think she knows that the door is not completely closed. I also hope that the opportunity presents itself soon and you will know when it is a good time to do this.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
BrightFuture #2595754 08/08/15 04:41 PM
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Its been almost a month since I last posted on my situation. I have been giving it time to move along at its own pace without any pressure on her or myself to move things along. During this period we have continued to communicate at a low level. She continued to bring up things she missed and felt a loss over.

This morning we met for coffee and to talk. We talked about the kids and the impact this has had on them. She expressed that it has been much worse than she thought it would. She talked about the loss of coming home to a family. She again expressed her sense of loss of being a wife, a mother, loss of home. I validated what she said and expressed my own sense of loss and the needs of our daughters.

The conversation worked its way around to where do we go from here. We discussed the probable push back from our families to getting back together. We both agreed though that we have to live our own lives and not let our families live them for us. We discussed the confusion the girls may have if we get back together and how to explain it to them.

We have agreed to take our time. We are going to keep it to ourselves right now and work on thing together to see if we can bring our lives back together before we bring anyone else into this.

Our we on the path to reconciliation? I believe we have taken the very first tentative step. Neither of us are going to jump in head first. We are going to go slow and make sure it is the right thing and that we will be in a better place when we are done.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Lifes Twists #2601701 08/26/15 11:10 AM
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Hi all,

Communication between the ex and I are slowly improving. We now communicate at least once a day. That is a vast improvement. It has also gone from just about the kids to her asking about me and what I am doing or just sharing something she is doing.

We have been going for an occasional walk or ice cream and having longer conversations. We have attempted to keep this too our selves because we did not want to get kids hopes up nor deal with some apparent anger they we showing till we figured out things for ourselves. Unfortunately or fortunately our kids found out and confronted us on it this past Sunday. This led to a family meeting that evening and I feel we finally exposed a burden that the kids had carrying by themselves and hopefully dealt with it. Right after my wifes attempt she told the kids and everyone in her family that I was the cause for her attempt. My kids did not tell me because they did not want to hurt me. when they confronted wife on this she said she did not remember ever saying that. I believe she said it and I also believe that she does not remember. Par for the course of MLC. We all agreed that we would be more open about what was going on.

I talked to the girls later and explained that saying stuff like that is very typical for people going through a crisis. That also not remembering is typical. I told them they should have told me and not carried the burden themselves. That I would have understood.

This is proving to be a very long slow road I am on and still no idea where it is leading.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Lifes Twists #2601927 08/27/15 12:21 AM
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Tough stuff to be sure, LT. Deciding how open to be can be difficult. It's also tough how much to share with the family unit knowing it affects all involved.

As for the kids trying to protect you? Be careful with that one. Kids want to protect their parents - they have to be told and taught what to tell you. And that's a trust thing as well - it's a reflection of what they see and how they make a decision. Take that for what it's worth smile

Glad you're still communicating. You've seen the other side, so you know it goes slowwwwwwwwwly. Try to take each day as it comes.

Keep up the good work!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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