Hello

[714Dad]

Hows this for snooping.

Going through some old boxes looking for a kayak bilge pump...

found one of my wife's diaries.

it has the moment she started noticing me and we became friends and goes though to our three month anniversary on 8/20/1997.

what a horrible thing to look back at what was there, just budding, and to feel where i am now.

[714Dad]

so saturday I went kayaking. got to launch area around 7:30am and paddled out. I went a different way through the harbor than my W and I used to go. I went all the way out past the jetty to a buoy covered in sea lions. it was interesting. i didn't get as tired as i thought i would, not at all. and I'm only a little sore this morning.

then around 10:20am i realized there was a parent work thing at D3s pre-school. so i raced up there and worked for a little while. i filled in D3s teacher a bit with the situation and talked for a while.

i've been spending most of my time reading the WW vs WAW thread that Sandi started. It's not reassuring to say the least. From what i read there i still think my W is more of a WAW, and I'm wondering if there's a thread or forum just for that? after all i donft want to go the tough love route if it ends up driving her farther away.

obviously i'm still trying to detach, still GALing, and still trying to not let her occupy 100% of my thoughts, but it's hard.

and since i don't do social media outside instagram, i'm not privy to her 'changes' on social media. she's always had a presence because she is a web developer, and her facebook account was for work in her words. but now people have let slip that she'd posting more there and that really irks me. not that it should because she can do what she wants of course.

Comments like, "I have to focus on my career." "our relationship was never healthy." "ILIYBNILWY." "you'll be happier with someone else." "we met too young." "i never got to experience being out on my own." "maybe this is a huge mistake but i need to do this for myself."

are those WW or WAW statements?

she's not at home, it's been a little over a month now that she's been at her parents, so i don't know what else has changed. i don't do and don't want to do social media stuff and keep reading there (makes detaching impossible). there is D6s birthday party on sunday that i already agreed to go to, but other than that we don't see each other at all. and barely talk via text. she only calls if she's upset or something.

it's all very discouraging as many of you know.

i want to know what she's feeling. is she happy finally that i'm not there and she finally feels free? is she suffering or missing me at all? she's seemed upset the times i've seen her and in mediation, but she said at the beginning "i've made my decision and I need to stick with it." meaning that no matter how much it hurts she's going to go through with it? no matter what is does?

it's all so confusing. I finished DR, and there's one hopeful story in the back of it regarding a guy with a D6 and D3 just like me. but again, his wife was still at home.

i'm just really discouraged with now over all this.

and the whole 'for better and for worse' thing is really irritating me too. a woman who went from "we're one person now in the eyes of God" to "i thought when one of us was unhappy we could just leave the marriage." bugs the hell out of me.

[Vanilla]

I am off to work and will post when I can today about your WAW v WW point as I think it's interesting.

An example of a WAW who reconciled is Edz story, he pulled the lighthouse strategy very well.

V

[714Dad]

She called yesterday to talk about D6 party. Again, very cut and dry. Not cold, but just business-like.

I was calm. She seems to be reposition herself to try and get more custody when it comes to it. Comments like "I really think I should have them more, because you have so much stuff to get in order." or "There are some issues that I don't want them to be around - that's one of the reasons we're going through this." etc. (referring to depression or anger). i think i argued slightly, but then changed to say that I would do a lot of things differently if I could (per Starsky's suggestion).

she mentioned how easy it was for me because of everything she had set up here to make the house a home, and that i did basically none of it with her. This is where i protested and said that we did it together, to which she asked for examples. I mentioned moving furniture for her, or modifying furniture. stuff like that. she just discounted it all. she said everything in their room, the linens she collected over time, the whole house as it is was her doing. which i don't understand because she said at least twice how much she felt like it wasn't her home, she said she hated living here several times, etc. so again, there's lots of story changes as it moves along.

In two weeks i take the girls for a small family vacation, she was supposed to come originally of course, but now she said she was going to use that time to come to the house and start packing up what was hers, etc. My heart was clenching, but i said in an upbeat voice, "I was going to suggest that."

She mentioned making an doctor's appointment for the girls and about something with D3 that "she'd asked me lot's of times to talk to the doctor about and I never did." I reminded her to make sure that it has been a year or more since D6 checkup so that insurance would not double bill and she replied, "I know that, I understand insurance." in a slightly confrontational way.

the phone dropped the call three times and she called back each time. i was panicked by the end but didn't let it come through.

she tried to talk about the house saying, "i just don't see how you can afford it, and how you'll buy me out of my share." and i just deflected to the mediator saying we'd talk about it then. i'm really nervous for that meeting, because she's going to flip out when she sees how much child support, etc. she will likely be required to pay. She'll think it's me trying to force her to stay or to get revenge on her or something else. so that is really making me anxious. i plan, first thing in the mediator meeting, to bring up the idea of boundaries and that if one spouse yells at the other there needs to be a cooling off period - and that threats don't work (i have no problem going to court!, etc.).

does anyone know the average time that spousal support is paid? Like how long it takes the unemployed LBS to find a job if they didn't have one? what is a usual court mandated time for child support to continue? again, i feel like the 1950s housewife set adrift with no map in the middle of the ocean. there are plenty of things i can do, but nothing is lined up in front of me. i know, it is so attractive to the opposite sex.

so yeah. fun times.

[714Dad]

oh, and GALing - went to a swing dancing class last night.

first time ever dancing (outside of awkward standing / dancing at my wedding).

it was a small group and actually really fun. it wasn't until i noticed i wasn't thinking about my W that i started thinking about her. then all my steps were messed up.

all i could think was how awesome it would be if she was there with me. how nice it would be to go on a date with her, etc.

but the people were nice and told me about some other places they go and invited me to meet them there.

so yeah.

[Azzork]

want to know what she's feeling. is she happy finally that i'm not there and she finally feels free? is she suffering or missing me at all? she's seemed upset the times i've seen her and in mediation, but she said at the beginning "i've made my decision and I need to stick with it." meaning that no matter how much it hurts she's going to go throUgh with it?

While I certainly understand these questions, there is no point in asking them. SHE doesn't even know what she's feeling right now. How can you possibly expect to understand?

Patience. Things will reveal themselves in time.

[714Dad]

"While I certainly understand these questions, there is no point in asking them. SHE doesn't even know what she's feeling right now. How can you possibly expect to understand?"


There is no point other than to know she cares or cared too.

hence the need to detach.

which is so hard.

[Azzork]

You're not understanding. SHE doesn't even know what she is feeling right now. How can you expect to get a meaningful answer? She's a whirlwind of emotion; what she feels now and what she feels tomorrow could be totally different.

That's why there's no point in asking that question.

[Vanilla]

WAW dont have mixed emotions. And she knows she wants out of her M.

They are not in A or an EA.

WAW are just done or finished. It can be valid or not, let's discuss it.

However they aren't addicted to an OM or as far as I can see in MLC.

Please stop treating them as if they are, this is very different.

If your W is having an A then she is a WW. She is a wayward,.

if she isnt having an EA or an A then she is WAW.

Do you know?

I strongly recommend you know the difference between a WW and a WAW.

For example I am a WAW and never in my R have I cheated, if you as my H treat me as if I have I will be angry and want you gone. I have never ever been MLC, but I am seriously not wanting to be with you.

Are you going to follow Sandi guidelines are you going to be a man only a fool would leave. Help me sort the R?

Or are you going to tell me I am wayward, go dark on me and not work on you?

If however I am in A or am MLC, that's different.

V

[714Dad]

i don't believe my W is WW. Hence my desire for more WAW info.

I am following the rules, but one of them is to go dark?

I haven't treated her like she's cheated, but i have been jealous.

i am being and staying calm and kind, validating, respectfully disagreeing on the rewritten parts of the R she brings up, and dressing nice and overall being better.

so i am working on myself, but i am not pursuing, so i can't work on the R outside of working on myself. And as the R is dissolving there's little i can do that would not be pursuit or clinging.

i'm being supportive of her decision, sounding positive even though i'm clenched up inside, not putting up roadblocks.

a lot of her comments sound MLC (i need to focus on my career, my life is a third over, ILYBNILWY, we met too young, our relationship was never healthy, etc) so i don't know what to think or do.

she took off her wedding band one day after moving back into her parent's house. ???

i feel like there are so many facets to it that it doesn't fit WW, WAS or MLC. She's incredibly beautiful and she always countered me telling her with "no one at work sees me like that." but maybe now she realizes they do. she let slip that one of the parking attendants said "wow you're so beautiful" to her, but she was using it as an example of how people said it to be fake. ugh. she's always had self esteem issues and no matter how i said stuff in these later years it never made up for the fact that i didn't say it enough in the early years.