part of the agreement last year is that I would finally get on some sort of antidepressant after having had bad experiences prior. So i've been taking bupropion since late april 2014. i also have a prescrip for lorazapam for muscle relaxation, and that helps to calm and keep that chest tightening down.
I've called a lawyer and they went from $450 from a consultation to $150 saying they could stretch some deal from last month. So I'll go in for that.
These days are hard. All day is childcare and then all night is house cleaning or reading forms. The change seems to be only in the silence of the house at night.
And truly appreciate all the comments and advice you are giving me. CaliGuy does your thread go into more about the mediation process? I'll go over and look, but I'd be interested to know about it.
I'll likely see the lawyer tomorrow.
I'm still so attached it's pathetic. I picked up my girls from my in laws and while they were brushing their teeth I noticed the new perfumes my wife bought in the medicine cabinet. they smelled good, but immediately made my chest clamp up and i had to take that lorazapam.
curiosity killed the cat.
M36,W34 T18 years M9 years D3,D6 W "doesn't want to be married anymore"6/14/15 ILYBNILWY6/2015 W moves to parents house 6/30/15 W removes wedding band 7/3/15 My ring back on 8/8/15 Served 8/11/2015.
t And truly appreciate all the comments and advice you are giving me. CaliGuy does your thread go into more about the mediation process? I'll go over and look, but I'd be interested to know about it.
I'll likely see the lawyer tomorrow.
I'm still so attached it's pathetic. I picked up my girls from my in laws and while they were brushing their teeth I noticed the new perfumes my wife bought in the medicine cabinet. they smelled good, but immediately made my chest clamp up and i had to take that lorazapam.
curiosity killed the cat.
I do not think I really went that deep into it. Like I mentioned the first one was about 6 months after the initial BD and I think W was just pushing my buttons, then the second attempt more serious but when I was honestly all for it and ready to move on she started to come out of the fog a bit.
Your wife will have new perfume, clothes, do her makeup differently .. all that ... has nothing to do with you nor helps you focus on that. Worry about you, and your lil ones .. let her go for now.
got a text from my wife. long story short it was about papers i needed for the mediation thing. she then called and i went outside. i tried my best to validate but she said i sounded weird and she wished i'd just sound honest.
she got mad again and said "do you know how many times in all these years i wanted to have a calm discussion. and now you can suddenly have one."
i said i understand it must feel annoying and i wasn't trying to irritate her.
she asked why i didn't just call her about the kids or the papers or speak directly to her and i said i was giving her the space she wanted.
"you know this divoirce is going through right? i'm not changing my mind. we both agreed on that?" i said i understood it was going to happen but that i didn't agree with it.
i said how could i claim to value her opinion and then tell her that she couldn't make a decision like that?
i did, (sigh), say that the main thing i prayed for was for her to finally be happy regardless of how this turns out. that seemed to make her more upset.
she is very angry about what she has now made into years of neglect. in reality i was neglectful, but in a dopey stupid way. not vindictive.
i tried so hard not to say sorry, and not to sound weak or odd, but it still came off as artificial.
she also commented on how i'm living it up in the house alone, i get to see the kids most of the day and then i get the house alone at night.
and that i seem happier than ive ever been. (LRT working?)
she seemed genuinely upset but still intent on the divorce.
she asked why i never was like this before when it would have mattered and i said, "i can only be the person i am now, i can only be the person i want to be." and she asked why i couldn't do it when it mattered and i said "there just wasnt a catalyst i guess." she sarcastically said "so i should have left three years ago."
so drama.
i stayed calm, but sounded fake.
my heart was in my throat.
seeing a lawyer tomorrow.
pray for me.
M36,W34 T18 years M9 years D3,D6 W "doesn't want to be married anymore"6/14/15 ILYBNILWY6/2015 W moves to parents house 6/30/15 W removes wedding band 7/3/15 My ring back on 8/8/15 Served 8/11/2015.
i went on friday afternoon and it was very, very eye opening. it makes me concerned for the civility of the mediation meeting monday, because as it came out in the computer program, she'll have to pay me a considerable amount of money in child support and spousal support as it stands now.
the lawyer suggested some tactics and suggestions and how to use that to leverage more security for keeping the house, but again, it's going to be an interesting meeting.
i plan to stand up not so much to 'get what's mine' but more to say, "look, we agreed to work together for the rest of our lives and build a future. we have children that need stability and security. i am not going to hand over what we built together as if i contributed nothing to it. i worked just like you, often more like 16 hours a day, and weekends. i am not going to roll over on this."
of course i will say it calmly and with as much validating non confrontational language as possible. but the sentiment will be there.
as far as GALing, i've joined a swing dancing group, sea kayaking group, and a divorce group via meetup.com. i don't dance, and i have no rhythm. so it'll be interesting. when/if my wife finds out i imagine it will make her more irritated that i didn't do these things years ago. i don't think i'm doing them to impress her, i just really need something to do and it sounds interesting and totally out of the ordinary for me.
a bonus is that if i can one day rekindle something with her i'll be able to take her out and ask her to wear the dress i got her in 2006 or 07 that i don't thing she ever wore because i never took her anywhere it could be worn.
and a question for you veterans. in my last post i mentioned that she said i 'seemed happier than i ever have lately.' my concern is that this is validating her idea that i am better off without her. that i am finally happy and that i can move on to be with someone else who is better for me. i am positive, working on eye contact the rare times i see her, and dressing nice and being confident. so is it evidence of LRT working, or validating her ideas that i am so much happier without her? she is obviously noticing, but not by seeming attracted, more by seeming validated in her decision to leave.
what do you think?
M36,W34 T18 years M9 years D3,D6 W "doesn't want to be married anymore"6/14/15 ILYBNILWY6/2015 W moves to parents house 6/30/15 W removes wedding band 7/3/15 My ring back on 8/8/15 Served 8/11/2015.
so my first official mediation meeting is tomorrow. i filled out the forms as best i could, but a lot of the information is online and i don't have the accounts or passwords to look stuff up. it is mostly a few small savings accounts that i know about, so if they don't come up tomorrow i can at least mention them.
still wondering if anyone has any advice. i plan to look official, wear a tie like last time, and stand up for stuff. so i'm really looking for suggestions on behavior, how much validating language i should use and all that.
i am going to make lots of solid eye contact (at least on my end), the idea being to project confidence.
it just rattles me on how determined she is to "get out" of this marriage.
i am still working on detachment. some days are much better than others. it comes in waves and is really annoying. it's like now that she left i have time to do all these things... but a lot of the things i would have done or wanted to do are things i would have loved to have done with her. kayaking again, backpacking, camping, etc. all the things we used to do that fell away as time passed by.
i'm not doing these things to impress her or get her back, but it is so frustrating to finally have the time to think of all things to do with/for her that i used to put aside because of the kids or the house, but now she's gone. the irony is laughable.
as far as GALing, i went to a new church this morning. it's a large and very active church with a huge youth population. the idea being that I will have my girls half the time and it would provide a good social environment for them. it also opens up more social groups for me to be involved with, so that's a plus.
i still feel like i'm in a fog so much.
like, how is this happening, how can an 18 year relationship dissolve in a month and a half?
how can she be so determined to end this?
how horrible does she remember me being to justify this breakup?
how can she remember 18 years as almost entirely bad?
why does she need to "experience life on her own?"
as you can see the detachment is going really swell.
M36,W34 T18 years M9 years D3,D6 W "doesn't want to be married anymore"6/14/15 ILYBNILWY6/2015 W moves to parents house 6/30/15 W removes wedding band 7/3/15 My ring back on 8/8/15 Served 8/11/2015.
also, when i picked up my girls on friday morning my wife was still there, still in her pjs. i was dressed per the usual now, button up casual shirt or polo, etc. hair combed.
when we left i resisted saying anything and as the door was closing she said, "have a good day" like she used to. i instinctively and with enthusiasm said, "you too" giving her a small smile as the door closed.
it's something, however small. whether instinctual or not, it was a positive and a nice thing to say. again, i didn't dwell or overreact, i just smiled and let the door close.
then when dropping them off last night at 8pm I went in and she asked what they did, so i was upbeat and gave a brief rundown saying, "they had a lot of fun today, we went to (friends) pancake breakfast party, they bounced in the bouncehouse and played. then we came home at 2pm and they played the dance game for a while, then we went to (cousin's) house and they got to swim and play with C and E... Then we came here."
my wife didn't say much other than, an "okay" or something, but it was another in the list of positive and optimistic discussions/conversations (if you could call it that).
I gave my girls big long hugs and then walked out and closed the door.
then came home to the divorce packet.
any thoughts, ideas, suggestions... anyone?
M36,W34 T18 years M9 years D3,D6 W "doesn't want to be married anymore"6/14/15 ILYBNILWY6/2015 W moves to parents house 6/30/15 W removes wedding band 7/3/15 My ring back on 8/8/15 Served 8/11/2015.
it just rattles me on how determined she is to "get out" of this marriage.
i still feel like i'm in a fog so much.
like, how is this happening, how can an 18 year relationship dissolve in a month and a half?
how can she be so determined to end this?
how horrible does she remember me being to justify this breakup?
how can she remember 18 years as almost entirely bad?
why does she need to "experience life on her own?"
as you can see the detachment is going really swell.
Hang in there, this does really s@�Ks! I am 7 months into this and still asking these questions and trying to detach. It does get better, but very very slowly. It helps me to remember 'believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do'
Easy to say but so hard to do, the only thing is learn to work on ourself. (((. )))
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
and a question for you veterans. in my last post i mentioned that she said i 'seemed happier than i ever have lately.' my concern is that this is validating her idea that i am better off without her.
I would respond to her with "Look, this is NOT what I wanted, or a place I ever dreamed we'd end up. But I realize now that I'll be okay regardless of what happens, and I'm trying to use this time to work on some things for myself and those have been good for me, and are helping my outlook."
the lawyer suggested some tactics and suggestions and how to use that to leverage more security for keeping the house, but again, it's going to be an interesting meeting.
i plan to stand up not so much to 'get what's mine' but more to say, "look, we agreed to work together for the rest of our lives and build a future. we have children that need stability and security. i am not going to hand over what we built together as if i contributed nothing to it. i worked just like you, often more like 16 hours a day, and weekends. i am not going to roll over on this."
well, the two hours were entirely about custody. i had my shined allen edmonds shoes, new cologne... etc.
I was early, she was late.
She looks very tired, but I still couldn't stop looking at her. The first thing I wanted to talk about was custody, so we went with that.
I suggested the 2-2-3 plan phasing into the 2-2-5 plan in two years. my wife was noticeably shocked to see how much less time she will get to see the girls as we go to shared custody. when the mediator left the room she said she felt like she should get sole custody and i could see them on weekends because "all i ever did was complain about having to watch them."
The mediator agreed with the 2-2-3 plan and my wife said she liked the 2-2-5 plan better. after a while W finally agreed that the former plan was better because of the time spent away from the parent is less. it's better for three year olds anyway. She is genuinely upset and even teary over realizing how much less she'll see them.
I tried validating language. I disagreed gently a few times but let it go when she got more upset.
She doesn't want my parents to watch them and instead wants daycare or a nanny of some kind to watch them. how that will be affordable i don't know.
throughout the meeting i cracked a few jokes, my wife huffed, but not a real laugh. i was upbeat, spoke softly, but didn't back down. each holiday we discussed and modified my idea as she suggested something else.
We left ten minutes early. I didn't look at her or say anything, i just said thanks to the paralegal and went to the elevator. I walked to the car and didn't look back.
i had to call her and leave a message asking if she has the girls today and tomorrow for the 2-2-3 arrangement. but i was brisk and not drawn out.
So that's my update. it looks like she's the LBS from the way she looks to me. tired and drained, getting upset as the facts come about. i feel sorry for her on a human level, but i know that this is what she wants and she's stubborn so she'll take it all the way through. her parents are cheerleadnig her too.
next meeting is in two weeks. the new agreement is that she will pick them up from the house on her way home from work, which means i'll have small meetings face to face in which to continue acting positive or supporting her if she shares something about work.
today was positive.
but the next meeting will be doom and gloom. that's going to be finances and property. and when she sees what the dissomaster spits out as child and spousal support, she will not be happy.
i need to get ready for that.
thank you all for the help and positivity.
i have a phone interview today, so wish me luck.
M36,W34 T18 years M9 years D3,D6 W "doesn't want to be married anymore"6/14/15 ILYBNILWY6/2015 W moves to parents house 6/30/15 W removes wedding band 7/3/15 My ring back on 8/8/15 Served 8/11/2015.
