You be strong, that is how your survive this. You have girls right? They need you to be strong. Let your W go through whatever she needs to go through, give her space and start the journey to better yourself.
i'm just scared. i don't really ever get over things. i've always held onto the past and that was the cause of a huge amount of problems and a good amount of why she detached from me over the years.
this is making everything that i've tried to overcome in the past year come back and pound on my subconscious. catastrophic thinking, positive feedback loops, so much tension i can feel and hear my ribs cracking as the muscles contract inward and instinctively try to fold me into the fetal position.
the days are fine, because the sun is out and we're at the park or the beach or the zoo. or we run errands, or visit their cousins of friends. and the girls play.
but then evening comes and i drop off my girls at my in-laws and come home to the empty house. and i have lots still to do; laundry or dishes, or reading up on renting out rooms, but i'd still rather be making dinner and waiting for my W to get home.
then the night comes and it's dead silent. no one to talk to, no one to just look at. no one to feel close to. no body next to me to feel warmth from.
just silence. just the house settling. just endless thoughts racing around, again and again, "why didn't you do things years ago, why didn't you take her seriously, why didn't you care enough when she was here, why didn't you hold her every chance you had - instead of watching tv or being aloof...?"
endless and forever looping back. her face and her smile.
she's been gone since june 30 and it's really real. she's gone. these things settling in just make it so much more intense. like salt in the wound. the pain lingers and stings for so much longer.
i'm just so angry at myself for getting to this point.
sorry for the rant. it doesn't really help discern things. it's just what i feel. and it's so intense.
M36,W34 T18 years M9 years D3,D6 W "doesn't want to be married anymore"6/14/15 ILYBNILWY6/2015 W moves to parents house 6/30/15 W removes wedding band 7/3/15 My ring back on 8/8/15 Served 8/11/2015.
She's living with her parents and I would be shocked if her dad wasn't doing the things I used to do for her here. The little things. And she has people to talk to and get advice from or to validate her decisions.
I loved living so close to my in laws but now it seems like a curse. She can run there and have all of her needs met. Thus why she doesn't even notice that i'm not contacting her at all anymore (aside from practical issues with our girls). This makes a 180 of no contact seem particularly ineffective.
We used to talk all the time.
My God how long will it take to stop thinking like this?
Can't I get 'detachment' in pill form? It would be so much easier!
Last edited by 714Dad; 07/23/1505:32 AM.
M36,W34 T18 years M9 years D3,D6 W "doesn't want to be married anymore"6/14/15 ILYBNILWY6/2015 W moves to parents house 6/30/15 W removes wedding band 7/3/15 My ring back on 8/8/15 Served 8/11/2015.
This monday will be the first of two mediator meetings. They last two hours and i think they are about dividing things and coming to understandings. this is where she'll file the divorce papers.
I have a packet to fill out that has things like pay and all that. i don't really know what it has since i haven't taken any of the papers out, only glanced at them.
should I fill it out, or 'make her do the work for the divorce'?
a problem with the not doing it approach is that in the past she was the one to fill out forms and turn them in. i never did applications, forms, school admin stuff because i always felt anxiety with them. in the last year i took over most of those things so she didn't have to do them anymore. freeing her to work and be more focused at work.
so if i fill out the forms i'll be acting better and more balanced and giving her what she wants. but if i don't it will make the weight of the divorce go to her (which seems fair since she wants it).
i could not fill it out and then in the meeting explain calmly and while validating her feelings that i simply don't have time to do it? she won't likely believe that but i am still taking care of the house and animals and reading a lot. every time i try to sit and watch tv i can't concentrate on it anyway, so i'm definitely not vegging out all evening.
i'm reading all of the threads linked by cadet? wonka? and those take a long time to get through. i'm also reading DB and doing some GAL stuff (walks in the evening, hikes, signing up for divorce groups, going to lectures, etc.). and doing the math for setting up two rooms to rent in my house. so it's not easy to find time for something i don't want to do to begin with.
so advice? should i fill the divorce mediation packet out (acting more like the new me - independent and responsible), or should i let her do it (more the me she detached from three years ago)?
M36,W34 T18 years M9 years D3,D6 W "doesn't want to be married anymore"6/14/15 ILYBNILWY6/2015 W moves to parents house 6/30/15 W removes wedding band 7/3/15 My ring back on 8/8/15 Served 8/11/2015.
Although you are correct that you need to let her do the work for the divorce, I suggest doing everything possible to PROTECT yourself from this process. Don't let her walk all over you in this and be sure to stand up for your rights, money and possessions. Avoiding the paperwork is also not letting go.
So what I am saying is I think you should fill out the papers. At least for your point of view.
Hi 714dad your situation sounds exactly the same as mine I am sorry that you are here with me on this journey it is horrible I keep thinking there must be an easy way out from this but I know it is going to be a very long road ahead
I hope things do work out for you the people here are fantastic
Take care and look after yourself
Gary
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Starsky, I'm in California. Oct 22 would have been 10 years for us. So it can be considered long term.
And I have no family attorney. As mentioned I didn't work aside from some substitute teaching, and so i don't have the financial wherewithal to hire a lawyer.
Most attorneys will give you a free initial consultation, 714. You should meet with two or three, preferably ones that specialize in paternal custody and "men's rights" issues. Some may even be willing to work on a contingency, as it's likely that if your wife works full-time and you are the stay-at-home dad that she will be required to pay at least part of your legal fees, if not all. Again, you can ask about this in your initial free consultation.
Do seek counsel. It doesn't mean you have to file for divorce, or even do ANYTHING at this point other than learn what your rights and responsibilities are. Nearly EVERYONE who does this reports that it's empowering and burden-lifting; it certainly was for me.
Can't I get 'detachment' in pill form? It would be so much easier!
No, lol, but seriously anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds really do help. My doctor gave me two -- one for any acute, "panic attack"-type moments, as needed (thankfully I only needed that 2-3 times) -- and one as a daily, "even-me-out" kind of thing. It REALLY helped, and there's no shame in it if it helps you be a better father to your kids.
They do take awhile (2+ weeks, for some of them) to kick in, so if you're thinking of asking your dr. about it the sooner the better.
I do think they would help you with your extreme moods.
If you agreed with her to meet with the mediator, then I think you have an obligation to fill out the paperwork that's expected. But as Cadet says, do it to protect YOU (not to be amenable), and for gosh sakes RUN EVERYTHING BY YOUR OWN ATTORNEY BEFORE SIGNING ANYTHING FINAL. Using a mediator does NOT preclude you from hiring your own attorney to look over and advise you on the mediated agreement. Knowing that a mediator is doing the heavy lifting, many family law attorneys will charge you only by the hour (or even one quoted sum) to look over and counsel you on the mediated agreement, vs. requiring you to pay a large retainer for what would likely be a long and involved divorce process were there no mediator involved. Our mediator even SUGGESTED that we each do that.
I have been at that VERY mediation table ... TWICE.
Sounds like the same thing we had, we had an initial consultation, basically a meet and greet explaining the process. My W asked me what I though and I told her the truth, felt like a dirve thru-D process and I could see how the Mediation Company was out for the quick buck ... not what I wanted but I respected her decision .... was a year of back and forth till Mar15
Jan-Mar 2015 My first meeting was solo (Mid Jan2015), I had all my docs signed and prepared ... ready to go. At that point I dropped the rope and was prepared to move on I think this caught W offgueard as she was still dragging feet and did not have her docs ready .... as Starsky suggested .. GET COUNSEL, I had 2 free sessions and was well informed to what my rights were. Not only was I going to settle for nothing less than 50/50 custody, my M was 14 years at that point, W made more and would be paying me Child support and alimony if I CHOSE to push for that. Honestly I did not want/need her money but thought about my S and decided .. the D and her A were not my idea nor did I feel I should allow S to pay for that (even though he would in many ways) so I decided I would in fact press for those things, I would set that $$ aside for S .. college/trips.
At the Med table the lawyer talked me about a few things, I told her where I stood and she tried to push back a bit, well I was not budging and she told me mediation was gear towards a mutual agreement and I told her I was well aware of that, but also well aware of what the state would award and that I was willing to negotiate but not lay down and be taken ... I would L up if need be. After she understood my intentions and why ... she asked me a question about the D, I told her honestly I did not want it but at that time felt W needed it to move on and figure out herself and what she really wanted. This left that woman speechless and she commented on how insightful my statement was and how often she has witnessed that very thing.
I left feeling good about everything ... looking forward to the next chapter. We had a final meeting that was scheduled, post-poned, rescheduled 3-4 times ... then W asked me to meet up and disclosed she did not want D, wanted to work on the M.
Mediation is not the end all ... not saying your W will have that turn around .. but I am saying get your ducks in a row, protect yourself ... sitting and reading, watching TV working on a house you are about to lose will not protect YOU nor your kids from your side. If you just stall .. it will appear that way and will not gain you respect from your W, it will possibly delay the process but its not going to get you any closer to saving your M .... the ball is already rolling and you have a choice to direct it some ... or let it roll over you.
