Hello

[Starsky309]

and now I have the divorce packet to begin filling out.

714, do you have your own family law attorney, or just that mediator you two met with?

You really need to better understand your rights here, IMHO. What is the definition of a "long-term marriage" in your state, as it relates to spousal support? If you've been the stay-at-home-father, you may be entitled to spousal support (alimony) from your wife.


Starsky

[Cristy]

Hello 714Dad,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

There is still much that can be done to get your marriage moving in a more positive direction. I'm glad you have DB and DR on order. The first chapters of each of those books are here on the website so you can go ahead and get started before they arrive.

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[714Dad]

Starsky, I did it because in a little over one month she's gone from talking about vacations to literally filing for divorce. It's so rapid so as to leave me grasping.

As I said my head is still essentially spinning. Maybe EA,PA, but what can I really do about it other than add to the worry I already have?

I just got DB today. So I'll start that tonight.

Otherwise as said I'm optimistic, dressing well, being that person that I've wanted to be for so long. It's for me and my girls of course, but a great deal of it is for her as well. I understand logically she's gone, but I so want an opportunity to make up for all the years of crap. To finally embrace the ways I should have been and see her smile and laugh and be happy again.

But deep inside I'm still a shambles.

And I want my family intact. I don't want to be separate parents. She was my best friend for 18 years.

I know it's an individual thing but what is the average time to get to the point of acceptance? To get to a place where almost every thought isn't of her or some memory of a trip or some future idea you'd planned for?

Logic makes sense, all the threads of distance and all that, but emotion is still boiling over for me. When I took the D6 and D3 to see "Inside Out" the tears were streaming down my face for all of the family scenes.

I just want to stop feeling this. The only word is devastating.

[Train]

714,

The reason you want to know if your W is in an A is because you have to "AB" (Affair Bust) before you DB (Divorce Bust). There's one chapter in DR devoted to infidelity whereas an entire book could be (and several have been) written about infidelity alone.

I won't go into too much detail since an A hasn't been confirmed in your case, but if your W is having her emotional needs met by another man, there's not a *thing* you can do that will change her mind right now. (But there ARE things you can do to get her attention.) And, yes, as Starsky said, supplication is the WORST thing you can do if you want to have any hope of this thing turning around. Supplication is very unattractive to us girls. We like confidence, conviction, decisiveness.

If a M is ending because two people have turned into glorified roommates - which I'd say is the exception and not the rule - then a few simple, consistent changes alone may make a big difference. Look nice and smell great? Sure! Cook dinner? Absolutely! Do more chores? How sweet! But if another man is involved and you're doing those things, any "nice guy" stuff makes you look, frankly, pathetic to your W. Especially if she's judging you by another man who looks more confident and masculine.

Finding out about a possible A also helps you make sense out of something that's not making a bit of sense.

Whether your W is in an A matters a great deal, actually. But we can get into that if you decide to confirm and find out that maybe there's someone else who's been meeting her needs (even a "good friend"). It's also just good for us to know what we're working with so we know how best to advise you.

I know you feel destroyed and hopeless. We've all been there. We've all lost our appetites and cried during movies. We've all lost unreasonable amounts of weight in very short periods of time. We've all lost sleep and felt like we were living in some crazy warp zone. We've all blamed ourselves wholly for the breakdown of a M that includes two people.

In other words, you aren't alone.

And I hope you listen verrrrrry carefully to Starsky and follow his impeccable advice - sooner rather than later.

I'm sorry you're here.

[Train]

(PS Don't ask your W if she is in an EA or PA. All cheaters lie. So asking her would be pointless and could cause her to drive it further underground - making it impossible for you to find out - if she *is* in one.)

[714Dad]

Is there a thread or places to go to advise with confirming an EA / PA of a spouse?

[714Dad]

Starsky, I'm in California. Oct 22 would have been 10 years for us. So it can be considered long term.

And I have no family attorney. As mentioned I didn't work aside from some substitute teaching, and so i don't have the financial wherewithal to hire a lawyer.

I started going to "the third option" tonight. I'll try to stay in it just to figure out how to better talk to my girls and such.

This whole situation is so much crap.

And as for A, I don't know what to think or to do. So much of her comments have been MLC sounding or A sounding, but again, it's so hard to fathom that she'd risk it with our two girls in the picture. But I know I know, anything is possible.

Well, now i'm wide awake with adrenaline, so thanks a lot guys!

[Zephyr]

714,

How are you doing today!

Lots to take in with all that is swirling in your head. I Urge you to read and reread the threads you have been linked by cadet and help you start moving forward in you busting activities!!!

[714Dad]

it was a good day but right now i'm dying.

everyone saying the A word is making me really upset. So i typed her name into google and went to her google plus page. she has a new profile photo, is as beautiful as ever, and, as before, i have no place in that life.

she said for a the year that she liked to have the personal space be different from the work space, and it tore me up for a long time but i eventually just stopped looking at it and got over it. i had no reason to doubt her.

i dont ever get to talk to her now. everything is via text, and is short. her parents, who i liked more than my own parents, are getting colder toward me.

i mentioned that i'd take the girls on friday night and then get them back to her saturday at eight. it's fair, but i figured she'd say something. all she said was "alright."

i just can't believe this is happening. how can this happen?

she wrote this on July 7, 2011: “Life is like this for me: I work, I am a mother and I am married to you. I took vows before God and I plan on honoring them and when I fail at doing so I make amends for these failures and ask forgiveness with an eye towards building an even stronger relationship. I am not perfect and I don't expect you to be, the only thing I hope for us is to approach one another with honesty, love, warmth and humor.”

how can this happen? how could i have been such an [censored], such an idiot to throw away the smartest, most beautiful woman in the world? She was the ideal partner, the most amazing wife, and I just trashed all of it by being angry and not working things through. Never meeting in the middle.

I can't take this. right now it's worse than it has been for weeks.

why even try? why even make an effort? it's the most horrid feeling to be left here and so wanting to just hold her hand.

how can i survive this?

[dmbfan]

how can i survive this?

I dont know......