PigPen's Dropped Rope - WAW and Waiting (4)

[PigPen]

Am reading your Pretty in Pink thread Wonka. You are a master of direct communication, I have much to learn in this area. Where did you begin?

It was hard to read of your struggles back then and remember you've been in our shoes with your own broken heart. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.

I'll get right on this in the morning, but am sending you a big hug tonight. Thank you for your time, attention, and for sharing your thread.

[PigPen]

Borrowed the opening line from one of your letters Wonka, here's part 3: My only reservation (and it's probably my own programming) is that I'm not addressing the aspects she brought up in her last message and then asked me to address. But then again, I don't have to play by her rules in getting my reply out.

PP

Here it is:

"It took me a long time to respond to your email as I’ve put a considerable amount of thought into this. I am trying to work with you, W. Not against you - nor push things to a hasty resolution that could leave one of us unnecessarily hurt. There is a way that this can be a win/win for us both and Woofie, There is a way for none of us to be hurt.

I hear what you’re saying - you want to keep Woofie. I feel the same way.

I feel disappointed and angry that I have to make a rushed decision about Woofie, one that does not take into account the immense feelings I have for him. I love Woofie, I want him to be part of both of our lives, and both of us have him as part our lives - even if we're not together.

I am not interested in just giving Woofie to you for good right now - I don’t think that’s best for anyone. Where is it best for him - it’s here. (Should I drop the “it’s here”.?)

We both take care of Woofie as if he were our child - in essence, he is. I know how well he lives with you and how much you love him, I am grateful for that. When I had him early in the year I played with him every day, he slept in bed with me, I took him to the beach, I fed him, I clipped his nails, I gave him flea meds. I took impeccable care of him. You commented on this yourself before I left for XY.

I feel that co-parenting is the best for everyone involved, including Woofie. He’s grown up with both of us, loves both of us, and is not fair to him to have one of us removed from his life. It’s the right thing to do for everyone involved.

[Vanilla]

Wonka is a wonder....

V

[Wonka]

PP,

This third draft is vastly better than the first one...wouldn't you agree? So pleased with your efforts here. You're making good progress here.

Let me offer some comments here:
________________________

It took me a long time to respond to your email as I’ve put a considerable amount of thought into this. I am trying to work with you, W. Not against you - nor push things to a hasty resolution that could leave one of us unnecessarily hurt. There is a way that this can be a win/win for us both and Woofie, There is a way for none of us to be hurt.

I hear what you’re saying - you want to keep Woofie. I feel the same way.

I feel disappointed and angry that I have to make a rushed decision about Woofie, one that does not take into account the immense feelings I have for him. I love Woofie, I want him to be part of both of our lives, and both of us have him as part our lives - even if we're not together.

I am not interested in just giving Woofie to you for good right now - I don’t think that’s best for anyone. Where is it best for him - it’s here. (Should I drop the “it’s here”.?)
This is a "no" in so many words and I promise that W won't hear the rest of the message afterward. Ditch it.


We both take care of Woofie as if he were our child - in essence, he is. I know how well he lives with you and how much you love him, I am grateful for that. When I had him early in the year I played with him every day, he slept in bed with me, I took him to the beach, I fed him, I clipped his nails, I gave him flea meds. I took impeccable care of him. You commented on this yourself before I left for XY.

I feel that co-parenting is the best for everyone involved, including Woofie. He’s grown up with both of us, loves both of us, and is not fair to him to have one of us removed from his life. It’s the right thing to do for everyone involved.

Let's put aside our own pain and focus on our connection with Woofie. Again, I want to see Woofie 2 weeks out of the month. This is a reasonable request that satisfies our desire to spend time with Woofie individually.

I appreciate you listening to me. We need to be patient with each other as this is a new territory for us. All I am asking for is your understanding that I am attempting to keep the lines of communication open between us about Woofie.

Thanks,
PP

[PigPen]

If I could literally reach through the computer and hug you I would Wonka. Respectfully.

PP

[PigPen]

Email sent. We'll see what comes of it. I just reread the reply sent me last stating she was not interested in co parenting. Me asking again for that will most definitely upset her, but I'm not concerned about that any more.

Thank you again to Wonka for helping me lay everything out in a friendly and direct manner.

GAL update for the week - been meditating and writing. Had a small injury in the gym today but hopefully it won't take long to resolve itself. Working out is keeping me sane, so I'll be bummed if keeps me out for too long. Will be seeing the chiropractor tonight to have it adjusted.

PP

[Fogg]

I don't have any pets so I cant fully relate, but this entire process of watching the email being rewritten is always interesting. Its great to get that resource here.

Hope you and W can work out an agreement with Woofie that works for you both

[PigPen]

Thanks Fogg, we'll see. At least I get to feel like my strong stance is being consistently held and that it includes her. I see both the power of Wonka's word choices and the DB principles in the email creation.

Why does my W get to decide that co-parenting isn't an option? Just because she said so in an email?

DB principles say figure out what you want and feel you deserve. Communicate that in a strong and respectful manner.

Wonka's principles - don't write what you think and feel, write what will get you the outcome that you want. That was rather mind blowing.

[PigPen]

Hi Wonka,

Just want to let you know that I got a reply from my W. She's asked to sit on my email for a few days and then get back to me next week. The last one I sent her received an immediate and less than happy reply so I'm tipping my hat humbly to you yet again.

Will let you know what happens.

Would you mind passing on a resource to me on communication like that? Is it more of an emotional maturity issue? Or a writing style? or both?

Thank you.

PP

[Wonka]

PP,

Fingers crossed. I think good things are coming your way.

To answer your questions, I think it's a combination of all those factors you mentioned. I am, by nature, an analytical person. As for the emotional maturity, I think it is more of EI (emotional intelligence) than anything that characterizes my communications.

I'd like to think that books recommended by various DBers over the years has contributed to the way I communicate nowadays. Also have incorporated some business communications that focuses on clarity.

In regard to communication and listening techniques, I am a big believer of Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication principles. (Rosbenberg also does small booklets such as "We Can Work It Out" etc.) The other valuable resource I've benefited tremendously from are books by Michael P. Nichols, The Lost Art of Listening and People Skills: How To Assert Yourself, Listen To Others, and Resolve Conflicts by Robert Bolton.

One other book worth reading is called The A to Z Of Being Understood: Make Your Voice Heard and Your Conversations Count by Kay White. This particular book I discovered on my own outside of DB and boy am I glad for this book!

Hope this helps.

In my mind, these ^^ books dovetails nicely with DBing.

About a month ago, I got another Gary Chapman book (original author of 5 Love Languages) that focuses on conflict resolution approaches titled Everybody Wins. Good stuff in there.

I want to say that I don't presume to speak for MWD, but I suspect that she is all for improved listening and conflict resolution resources that supplements DBing. From my perspective, these books ^^ would be a good starting point for improved connections.