Thanks V. The upsetting part for me is that my side of the situation does not seem to be seen. I know that I'm still looking to my W for something and I believe it's this - to be seen, to be heard, and to have that factor into this decision.
It doesn't feel like it's been a factor throughout the entire separation - quite the opposite. I am not happier than I was before - I'm happy differently, I do not believe the S is a good thing although good has come of it. I have changed my life drastically and have created immense benefit from the S, but credit is not the S's, it's mine for taking those steps.
I need to detach from needing to get this from my W or needing anything from her, but it's my challenge still and something that I'm working on.
WOW....Pigpen!! Just Wow! I have read some powerful things on this board, but that above^^^^^^^^^^^took my breath away. I haven't posted on your thread ever, and I hope you don't mind that I do now, but I just had to post. This is unbelievably authentic, you can just feel it in every word, every phrase.
I have watch your sitch unfold from the sidelines not feeling I could add anything of value. But the above needs to be fully acknowledged. You are quite the inspiration.
Thank you for everything you share. Wishing you light and love and the outcome your heart desires.
Jellybxxx
Thank you Jelly, truly for this message. I'm realizing both the layers and depth of DB'ing and the necessity for it in my own situation. Removal of my addictions was easy in comparison to honestly looking at what was underneath them. That is truly terrifying, humbling, and hopefully most healing.
You are welcome to post anytime, your message warmed my otherwise quiet fragile heart this morning.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
^^ agree with this. The pain and suffering of losing our spouses is difficult but we manage to use a chit situation and make the best of it to better ourselves. We could easily allow this to consume us and make our lives worse, let it wash over us and be miserable. But, we decide life is worth living and we make the most of ourselves. You're doing just that PP,you should be proud of that.
Thank you Fogg, I am proud. More so than I've been of myself in a long time. I have two friends that are also going through D's at the moment. Both have shown me examples of what the non-DB approach to D is: drugs, drinking constantly, sleeping with everything that moves, FB arguments with their W's, childish behavior and worse.
It's taken me almost 8 months to realize in my core that if you work the DB process, you will be more than ok at the outcome of your situation, but only if you work it honestly.
I appreciate you stopping by.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Moving closer to the final draft. I am going to ask you try this:
Imagine for a moment that you are me and have the Ms. Wonka hat on here. What would you think I would write in response to your W? Go on...try it.
Take your second draft and use the Wonka magnifying glass to scrutinize it for further changes, additions, improvements and deletions.
More hints:
-drop defensiveness -do not reinforce the negatives by mentioning them -focus and praise competency/ability on both sides -find areas of common/mutual agreement -a furbaby is no different from a human child
I have two friends that are also going through D's at the moment. Both have shown me examples of what the non-DB approach to D is: drugs, drinking constantly, sleeping with everything that moves, FB arguments with their W's, childish behavior and worse.
I'm proud of you PP for taking the high road and working on being the best you can be. Drugs, drinking, and sleeping around aren't the answer.
I'm on it Wonka, I'll put my Ms. Wonka hat on and get back to it. Thank you again for your patience and tutelage.
Teach - thank you very much. I actually feel for these guys. I know I'm struggling but I know at some point I'll come out of it. I'm not sure they ever will. Or if they do what kind of shape they'll be in. It's honestly sad to see. This board was the best thing I could have found for developing a track.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Hi Wonka, this is my best effort with my Ms. Wonka hat on. Still doesn't feel like I'm holding my ground though. Especially since she's told me that she's not interested in co-parenting.
Here it is:
I am trying to work with you, W. Not against you - nor push things to a hasty resolution that could leave one of us unnecessarily hurt. There is a way that this can be a win/win for us both and Woofie, as we’re talking about homes and routines that he knows well at this point.
I also hear what you’re saying - you want to keep Woofie. I feel the same way.
It’s disappointing to have to put my extremely strong feelings for him in a box and to dissociate from them to the point where I can make a decision based upon an email. It makes me angry to have to minimize these feelings and rush all of this. I love Woofie, I don’t want to not be a part of his life nor have him not be a part of mine - nor have him not be a part of yours.
I am not interested in just giving Woofie to you for good right now - I don’t think that’s best for anyone. (this is the direct question she has asked me to answer Wonka. Will you give him to me and if not, why should he stay with you?). Where is it best for him - it’s here.
My city is Woofie's home. He lived here for two years. He’s lived in W's city for three months now. I’m on an acre property here - you live in a condo. He is familiar with this town, the hikes, and the beaches and has playmates that he's known for years. I do not live on Main Thoroghfare nor anywhere else with 60 mile an hour traffic.
We both take care of Woofie as if he were our child - in essence, he is. I know how well he lives with you and how much you love him, I am grateful for that. I know how well he lives with me too. When I had him early in the year I played with him every day, he slept in bed with me, I took him to the beach, I fed him, I clipped his nails, I gave him flea meds. I took impeccable care of him. You commented on this yourself before I left for XY.
I still believe that co-parenting is the best for everyone involved, including Woofie. If that's not an option, I believe he should be here.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Let's dissect your latest draft together...shall we? ________________________________
I am trying to work with you, W. Not against you - nor push things to a hasty resolution that could leave one of us unnecessarily hurt. There is a way that this can be a win/win for us both and Woofie, as we’re talking about homes and routines that he knows well at this point.Try not to confuse things here. I would leave this last part out. You want to be on point here....cooperation from both of you on this matter.
I also hear what you’re saying - you want to keep Woofie. I feel the same way.
It’s disappointing to have to put my extremely strong feelings for him in a box and to dissociate from them to the point where I can make a huge decision based upon an email. It makes me angry to have to minimize these feelings and rush all of this.By making this type of statement, you are removing yourself from the emotion. I would suggest "I feel...xxxx when you xxxxx. I would re-word this part. I would re I love Woofie, I don’t want to not be a part of his life nor have him not be a part of mine - nor have him not be a part of yours. Again, I would re-word to make it "we"...strong common interest here.
I am not interested in just giving Woofie to you for good right now - I don’t think that’s best for anyone. (this is the direct question she has asked me to answer Wonka. Will you give him to me and if not, why should he stay with you?). Where is it best for him - it’s here.
My city is Woofie's home. He lived here for two years. He’s lived in W's city for three months now. I’m on an acre property here - you live in a condo. He is familiar with this town, the hikes, and the beaches and has playmates that he's known for years. I do not live on Main Thoroghfare nor anywhere else with 60 mile an hour traffic. This whole section is a non-starter as you are arguing WHY your place is "better" than W's and it will not draw her closer to an agreement. I'd jettison this whole section altogether. Frankly, dogs really don't care where they sleep as long as they have access to food, shelter and loving care by humans.
We both take care of Woofie as if he were our child - in essence, he is. I know how well he lives with you and how much you love him, I am grateful for that. I know how well he lives with me too. When I had him early in the year I played with him every day, he slept in bed with me, I took him to the beach, I fed him, I clipped his nails, I gave him flea meds. I took impeccable care of him. You commented on this yourself before I left for XY.
I still believe that co-parenting is the best for everyone involved, including Woofie. If that's not an option, I believe he should be here. You don't want to present an "option" here for W to shoot down. No way! I would suggest that you end it a bit stronger by stating that Woofie benefits by having interactions with each parent like a human child since he has been with you two from puppyhood. It is the only right thing to do here.
Here's a link to an old thread of mine Pretty in Pink that contains a wealth of information on how Ms. Wonka and I exchanged emails on some sensitive topics. I thought you would get some insightful ideas on how I compose my emails and responses from a respectful standpoint.
