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Man, your WW is seriously confused. I agree that you are allowing her to cake eat. Definaty do not put pressure on her right now. Let her see a confident man that is fine with or without her.


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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Posts: 103
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late30s Offline OP
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Thanks for the support folks.

The hope is to show a confident man. I have had a lot of great news on the job front this week. Two different companies showing interest, one is a 50% increase in pay and the other is well over a 100% increase in pay. Kids are excited and so am I.


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 630
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Sweet!!! Congrats!!!


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
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Been a while since I posted anything. I have still been around, just spending the time that I have on these forums catching up on Caliguy's thread(s).

I have lost count of all the nuggets of wisdom I have found in them. Time for an update methinks.

Among the many nuggets I have found, the biggest one was finally figuring out how to give W some space, it's not exactly the detaching I hope it to be. I still think of her often and must resist the urge to reach out to her. I managed to find some help on that front. My therapist suggested that I find a friend or two that are completely supportive of what I want. No giving me advice I don't want to hear, or questioning my sanity for putting up with everything that is going on. I was able to do that. One of them in particular has been very helpful and has been kind enough to let me call him when the urge to call W is strong. I have taken him up on that once so far, but I see it happening in the future as well.

All of this has lead to me not reaching out to her in the slightest since Friday, and while I realize that has only been four days, it has been huge for me. I find that the urge to call comes less and less, and I am a lot less stressed out. In fact, I haven't felt this calm for years. I'm sure the calm will ebb and flow, but it felt really nice to get there.

It is odd to me that I have stopped calling / texting and I removed her from all of my social media and all of a sudden she is reaching out to me. I have read about the push / pull mechanic often here, but to see it happening was far more than I expected. I reached a point on Friday where I was ready to let her go. Not that I have given up, but a lot of the folks that have shared their wisdom in Cali's travels really started sticking.

So there was a catalyst to all of this. Friday, I deleted her from my social media because OM was commenting on things she put up. Nothing too bad, but it was upsetting me. In the past, I have tried to control her here. Pleading with her to respect my feelings on her social media ... It dawned on me that this was controlling behavior and I felt like the better option was to simply remove the temptation. While I do honestly believe I have made some real progress with the jealousy, I don't want to be tested all the time. As I have reflected on that part of myself, I have come to see just how horrible my jealousy has been for me.

After the social media stuff, I was in boundary setting mode. She and I talked a bit more Friday and I told her that I loved her, but the affair is damaging to everyone in our family and that while she continued to do it, I wasn't comfortable with her coming to the house to see me. She became enraged at this and told me that I was keeping her from our kids. I tried to explain that I wasn't. She was free to see the kids whenever she likes, just not here. She feels like I am manipulating the situation because the our three sons won't go see her at her apartment. So she only really gets to see them here at the house. I suggested she meet them for lunch or something, at some neutral location. I also pointed out that I take our D12 down there every week and intend to keep doing that. That was followed by more spew. It was at this point I was finally able to let go of her a bit.

So that's where I am now. For those of you that possessed the fortitude to reach the end of my novel, I leave you this lame joke.

I just bought some new shoes from a drug dealer today. I think they were laced with something though, I have been tripping all day. laugh


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
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late

Good job nuking the FB ... I know I would get pretty irked when OM 'liked' something she posted .... for about a year thats all her ever did, then one day he got brave enough to actually comment on her trip and I about lost it. I recall looking back thinking .. "Now everyone knows they are Fu$%ing" ... his comment 'safe travels' .... its actually funny now what a lunatic I was at that time to me.

I rarely to this day go on FB, W says she has'nt in a bit ... I have not looked nor really care to, she still has me blocked ..... though I can access hers at anytime (quite boring now honestly)

The one thing/piece of advice I will give you .... no more "I love you's" .... she knows ... trust me, and you saying it just lets her know what she has done and is doing has little consequences. I recall my lesson what that one ... I said ILY and her reply "I know" stung so bad I vowed that day never to say it first ever again.

Hang in there ... it does get better regardless of what she does.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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I understand. I still struggle with so much of this. Thanks again, Cali. I have learned so much reading through your sitch. Thanks should also go out to all of the wonderful supporters in your threads. All of you people have helped to open my eyes (and I am sure many others) to a better course of action. One of self-reflection and patience.

I have a question for you vets of the board. I believe that my wife is in MLC, but I am hardly qualified to diagnose this. What signs would need to be present for you folks to call it a MLC? I am not looking to label it so much as I am looking to take the correct approach. Prepare myself for the marathon.


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
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Just because I would like to see these in writing. I have some goals for myself. Some have been met, some have not.

* I will finish my degree.
* I have started to find religion. I will continue this journey.
* I am able to visualize detaching. I will improve.
* I will buy my own home.
* I will continue to answer anger with kindness. I won't let circumstances take that away from me.
* I will improve as a father to my children. (I don't feel I can reach a point where no improvement is possible)
* I will get a gym membership before the end of August and I will USE it.
* I will continue to include my friends and family in my life. No more shutting down.
* I will continue to to hold a mirror to my actions. I will change what I do not like.
* I will remain honest. I won't lie to further my cause.
* I will retain my character throughout this and any ordeal.
* I will not give up on therapy.
* I will be a software engineer before I am 40. (Currently 38)


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
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Your goals are very inspiring late30s, thank you for posting them.

I think it helps all of us when we see each other taking positive steps for our lives. You've certainly inspired me, those are beautiful goals and even you posting them speaks to who you are and the high quality of man you are.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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Posts: 103
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So I am a bit confused. I have done well with little to no contact for nine days. She has been calling and texting me far more often. She keeps telling me that she is trying to ease herself back into a relationship with me. It has gone far enough that she has been calling me, begging to see me. She tells me that she misses me and that she needs me to continue to be her refuge.

In the correct context, all of these things are wonderful, many things I have been desperate to hear, but I find myself apprehensive. First she still lives with OM, which tells me a lot. Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do ... With that mindset, I feel like she is simply telling me what I want to hear in order to keep me around, but on the other side of it, she has been sharing some of her reflecting with me. She misses her life, she thought this would make her happy but she is more miserable than when she left. She misses the kids. She misses me. Before, she and OM didn't spend a lot of time together, now that she is around him all the time, he is driving her crazy. She's tired of being miserable and isn't sure how to fix it. (I didn't offer any advice ... shelived Mr. Fix-it a little, yay me!)

Currently I think taking the same approach I took last week is the best option, but I'm not sure how to handle it when she starts begging for my attention ... Last week I went and picked her up and brought along a STFU smoothie. She talked a lot, I listened. I learned a lot (if she was being truthful).

On the MLC stuff, I just read through my post and realized I didn't post much of what happened to lead me to this line of thinking.

1. When she first left, she tried to empty our tax return, she got about half of it, but I caught wind of it and withdrew the rest. She screamed at me for some time that I owed her the money, I told her I needed it to take care of the kids. She left the kids with me, but wanted to take all the money with her. Since she left 23 weeks ago, she has given me $375 to help with the kids. Even told me in May that she was not paying anymore until she is ordered by the court to so.

2. She has always had a good code of ethics, prior to all of this, didn't make a habit of lying, never stole, cheated etc. Since she left, she rarely tells the truth, she has swindled some of her friends into giving her money, put the kids on the back burner. Drinks HEAVILY.

3. She used to have a strong work ethic, but in the past nine months I have watched her quit two jobs with no notice and get fired from another for theft / being drunk on the job. She just started a new job this week and has already called in "sick".

4. She normally hates confrontation, yet since this all started she spews total venom at me. (Getting much better with not doing this now)

It's strange to watch it all. She essentially has less responsibility now than she did before we started dating (she was 17 when we started dating). She has even gone so far as to tell me that the only reason she is looking for work is because I haven't dropped the child support issue. This make no sense to me. In all the years I've known her, she never wanted our kids to want for anything, now she is trying to make me feel bad because she has to work to support her kids. o.O

***Lame Joke***

So I used to sell vacuum cleaners, the only lesson that really stuck with me was they really suck ... laugh


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 112
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Originally Posted By: late30s
First she still lives with OM, which tells me a lot. Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do ... With that mindset, I feel like she is simply telling me what I want to hear in order to keep me around

L3,

I will let a much more seasoned vet chime in on this to confirm, but I think you've nailed it above. Sooner than later you'll need to set that boundary up that if everything she is telling you is real, OM needs to go away, 100%.

Right now, it sounds like she's trying to make sure her parachute (you) is still packed in case she decides to bail on OM, but she's not quite out of the plane yet.


Me:36 W:30
M:2.75 T:7
BD: 4/2015
ILYBNILWY: 5/2015
W Moved Out: 5/2015
W filed for D: 7/2015
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