Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
#2588518 07/16/15 07:36 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
L
late30s Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
I have been struggling with this for the past five months. I spent a good portion of today reading up on Caliguy's situation and I must tip my hat to him. I have been hanging out around these forums for a couple of months now. Reading up on everyone else's situation, but never posting my own. I've been unsure how to go about this, but after reading his account of what has been happening -- and more importantly his approach, I find myself finally able to post something here.

My wife and I have been together for twenty years and married for nineteen of them. We have four kids together, S20, S18, S16, and D12. About three years ago my wife started to develop a friendship with one of her co-workers. I have been a jealous man in the past and the start of this relationship started ringing alarm bells in my head. It was innocent enough at first, but when I told my wife that this relationship made me uncomfortable, it seemed to only make her want to cling to this guy more. (I have also had control issues in the past and was controlling at this time as well).

Fast forward a few years. He moved to California and had returned. My wife had a new job and assisted him in getting a job with her. This helped to create mounting tension here at home, but at this point I realized my marriage was in trouble. It was at this point I started reflecting on the type of husband I had been and the type of husband that I wanted to be. I found myself initiating fewer and fewer fights, we would still fight but by and large it was her spewing anger at me and me attempting to logically defend my position. I moved completely away from the circular type arguments (the you did this, well I did that because you did this type).

I continued down this path, but was unable to fully let go of the jealousy. We talked about her affair 2-3 times per week and I was driving her mad with it. October of last year she started to develop a habit of disappearing for most of the day. It wasn't all the time, generally one day every two weeks. Toward the end of December, she finally quit her job and I became a bit hopeful that we could get through this.

The disappearing didn't stop. I knew she was still in contact with him. I believe she was disappearing to see the OM and go apartment hunting with him. On 02/19/2015 she left. She said she was only leaving for a few days and that she would be back after the weekend was over. I got a message from her on a popular social media site that said she wanted to be with him and that she wasn't coming home. She come back on 2/23 to discuss things with me and the kids. The kids were furious and I was desperate. We arranged for her to come stay at home with us 2 days a week, with the intent of working on our marriage.

This arrangement lasted until April. Her father fell ill and I ended up paying for all of us to go out to California to see him. Throughout this time, I brought up R talks far too frequently and when we returned, she was no longer coming by for the 2 nights a week. It turned into a few hours a week. We have been moving forward with this a little bit at a time, but I am unable to stop the R talks completely.

At this point I am seeing a therapist for help with the problems I see in myself. Working toward being a better husband and a better man. I have reached a point now where I feel like my marriage is dead. My hope is that is possesses phoenix-like qualities and can rise from the ashes. I understand that in order for that to happen, I need to stop with the R talks.

After reading these forums, I believe I can identify where I am going wrong in the DB approach. (I recently picked up that book and it makes a lot of sense to me.)

* Detachment is a bear. I have done a bit better since I accepted that my marriage is over, but she is still in my head far too much.

* I need to stop with the R talks. My hope is that by reaching out for support here will give me a bit of an outlet for them. I have gone five months with virtually no one to talk to.

* I believe I need to work on GAL more. Thus far I have gone from a part-time student with a part-time job to one full-time job, one part-time job, and I am a part-time student. (Working on my BS in Computer Science and am nearly done!) Starting last week I have forced myself to start seeing my friends more. During my marriage I spent almost no time with them because I wanted to work on things at home.

* I haven't seen this specifically mentioned in the rules, but I am very much a "fix-it" type of guy. When something is wrong, I try to accumulate as much information as possible and make the decisions that I think will solve the problem ... I think this is a major part of my detachment problem.

That's all I can think of at the moment. Sorry about the wall of text. I'm open to any and all advice at this point and I just want to say thanks to the people that created this board. I feel like what little progress I have seen in my marriage is due to the tidbits of wisdom one can find all over this board. You all are incredible people with a lot of insight.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 63
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 63
Hi late30s,

Welcome. Your marriage as you knew it is dead. It is up to you to work on building the foundation of a new one. I like your phoenix analogy. That is exactly how you should think of it. Detachment is tough. I think about my wife all the time and sometimes it is too much to overcome. That is when I start pursuing and it never works out when I pursue. You do need to stop bringing up the relationship. She doesn't picture a relationship with you or future at this point. That is something to discuss when the relationship is better. I think you first have to rebuild a friendship with her. You can't fix her problems and you can't save her if you have been that person in the past. She will resent you for it. Keep posting updates!


Me: 33 W: 30
T - 12 M - 3
K - 0
BD - 6/14/15
Moved out - 6/14/15
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Late30

You might have related to my sitch as .. like you I had/have many of the same traits you descibed. Like you .. I applied more pressure .. if what I did was not working I would just try harder .. MWD said this word for word in her book hence how I really bought into this process.

So ... Bootcamp time for you ... for starters.

The "Fix-it" angle ... if I have learned anything, my W did not come to me with problems she needed fixed, she is smart and well equipped to handle these issues, what she wanted was the one person in her corner .. her H to STFU and LISTEN, be that shoulder ... by fixing you feel you solved it, but what you really did was send a message on how inept you feel your W is and that you must handle everything (I know that's not what you felt .. but its how THEY feel)

Detach ... tricky ... not sure how much of my War and Peace novel you have read, I often struggled here, but you have to atleast get to a place when you make these changes that come about to become better ... the W will test you, temp check .. even purposely push buttons to get a rise out of you ... you need to keep in mind to be Indifferent, nothing bugs ya .. you are Clint Freaking Eastwood now... own that for a bit.

The A ... well this is the bad part of the sandwich we get served for our share of letting the M deteriorate to this level. Does not justify what they did ... like mine .. yours opted the "exit affair" route ... the OM and A were the eject lever for her to escape the cruddy M she felt she was trapped in. You have to alllow this to run its course .. it may take a bit of time. Nothing you can control here .. just let it be and focus on that mirror for now.

Lastly ... Some do not mention this but time. This is going to take a lot of time ... post more we will learn more .. the vets here are dang near psychic with this stuff ... when you think things are turning for the better and decide to improvise like a good actor ... you get a full dose of how naieve you are .. stick to the process, stay on board with the vets and LISTEN to them ... you can not fix this the way you think, if what they suggest feels opposite of how you feel ... most likely its spot freaking on.

Hang in there .. post up. It does get better.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
L
late30s Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
Originally Posted By: shnswms
I think about my wife all the time and sometimes it is too much to overcome. That is when I start pursuing and it never works out when I pursue. You do need to stop bringing up the relationship. She doesn't picture a relationship with you or future at this point. That is something to discuss when the relationship is better. I think you first have to rebuild a friendship with her. You can't fix her problems and you can't save her if you have been that person in the past. She will resent you for it. Keep posting updates!


Thanks for the support, shnswms. I echo these sentiments over and over in my head all day long.


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
L
late30s Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

The "Fix-it" angle ... if I have learned anything, my W did not come to me with problems she needed fixed, she is smart and well equipped to handle these issues, what she wanted was the one person in her corner .. her H to STFU and LISTEN, be that shoulder ... by fixing you feel you solved it, but what you really did was send a message on how inept you feel your W is and that you must handle everything (I know that's not what you felt .. but its how THEY feel)


I never considered it from that perspective. Thinking that way does make it easier for me not to jump into "fix-it" mode.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

Detach ... tricky ... not sure how much of my War and Peace novel you have read, I often struggled here, but you have to atleast get to a place when you make these changes that come about to become better ... the W will test you, temp check .. even purposely push buttons to get a rise out of you ... you need to keep in mind to be Indifferent, nothing bugs ya .. you are Clint Freaking Eastwood now... own that for a bit.


I have read a fair amount of it, Tolstoy. :P I definitely need to work on this.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

The A ... well this is the bad part of the sandwich we get served for our share of letting the M deteriorate to this level. Does not justify what they did ... like mine .. yours opted the "exit affair" route ... the OM and A were the eject lever for her to escape the cruddy M she felt she was trapped in. You have to alllow this to run its course .. it may take a bit of time. Nothing you can control here .. just let it be and focus on that mirror for now.


I go so back and forth on this. I find myself remembering all the times she swore to me she would never be interested in him, that he wasn't a threat, etc.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

Lastly ... Some do not mention this but time. This is going to take a lot of time ... post more we will learn more .. the vets here are dang near psychic with this stuff ... when you think things are turning for the better and decide to improvise like a good actor ... you get a full dose of how naieve you are .. stick to the process, stay on board with the vets and LISTEN to them ... you can not fix this the way you think, if what they suggest feels opposite of how you feel ... most likely its spot freaking on.


I have accepted that my approach has been abysmal. It so difficult for me, in virtually every other relationship I have in my life, I am capable of detaching and giving them space. I am pretty good at dismissing when people are upset and allowing them time to cool off. Yet I can't seem to do this with the most important romantic relationship of my life. I find myself frustrated and eagerly awaiting any and all advice.


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
L
late30s Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
So the current situation is this. She stays at their apartment most nights of the week. She comes here and stays with me on Saturday nights. Once in a while she will come here on a Friday night as well. She typically leaves on Sunday evenings.

During her time here, we enjoy each other's company. The relationship talk gets shelved because we are busy doing other things. We have made frequent family trips to the mountains (we live in CO) and to the various national parks around here. It's a family outing and we all enjoy it.

Once Monday rolls around, it becomes an entirely different animal. Typically she finds some slight in our conversations. Sometimes they're real but most of the time it seems insane. The most recent one for example. She told me on Saturday that she and the OM had broken up, but she was still living there. She told me a bit about it but then we headed downtown with D12 and spent most of our day there. Afterwards, W and I went to the bar and had a couple of drinks. We came home and went to sleep. Sunday went much the same. Monday she was FURIOUS with me, because she had to break up with the OM and it was all my fault. She stayed in this mentality until Thursday. During this time (it's almost always from Mon-Thu) she wants nothing to do with me. The vast majority of our conversations are her spewing hatred at me and every little thing I do is under intense scrutiny.

As I write this, I find myself thinking that the wisest course of action would be to simply go dark during this time. I am going to try that next week. I think the both of us could use some time without the stress.

I have been tossing some ideas around in my head. On the one hand, I want her to see that her feelings matter to me, that was one of her major complaints when she left and I can see my part in it. So I keep the status quo so the door is open for me to show her that she matters. (In this area I feel like this is where I have needed to make a 180, she felt like I took her for granted and that her feelings didn't matter at all.)

On the other hand, I feel that I have been allowing to cake eat with me on the weekends. All the quality family time. There is a part of me that feels that I should become firm and tell her that I do love her and I am interested in repairing our marriage, but her A makes it impossible to do. So until the A is over, I can longer share that family time with her. If at some point she would like to have that aspect of my life with me, she'll need to prove to me that he is out of the picture.

At the moment, I feel like I should give the first option some time. I plan on moving soon. In the next 2-3 months, at which point I think it would be a good time to move to the second option.


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
L
late30s Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
Quick update.

Wife and OM went to a wedding Friday. Didn't go well for them. I picked her up Saturday and I was surprised.

Wife said that she realized at the wedding that things with the OM aren't possible. She has made a decision that she wants to come home. She feels like she needs to ease back in to a relationship with me. She's basically asked that I detach and give her time. I intend to do this, but I'm not sure about her intentions. She is still living with him.

At this point I think it is my best interest to continue with detaching and giving her space and do my best not to get in her head and figure out what she is doing. Either she's being straight with me and she does need space, or she is making it all up, but I should be detaching regardless.

Please advise!


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
So I am confused. W and the OM broke up? And she is still living half the time with him and half the time with you? I would proceed very cautiously, she is seriously confused. I think you are right to detach, she is on a rollercoaster right now and somebody needs to stay on solid ground.



Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard