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#2587400 07/13/15 11:51 AM
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Old thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2582273&page=10

From painter in the old thread..
Quote:

Hi NDY, just checking in - don't you have your son 50% or more of the time? If not, why not?


Hi Painter. Thanks for stopping in.

I do get S9 50% of the time thankfully although WW is arguing for 70/30. I have no idea why her L is even attempting to argue this as the law here is very clear.

Apart from this there isn't much I can add. I took S9 round to his aunts address the other day as he forgot his phone. WW was the only person in the house and she couldn't even put her head out of the door. I predict that the meeting about S9's birthday won't last long.


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F****** lawyers! Money grabbing, sole destroying, heartless, misery loving bas****s. Every single one of them.

Don't think my feelings for this profession show, do you?

Seriously, your L knows that they haven't got a hope in hell of getting 70/30, but it keeps the misery and money rolling in.


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So i've not been coming here as often these days. I feel a seismic shift going on within me. I'm now in a place where I can actually imagine a future without my WW. I'm thinking about longer term plans and how to achieve them. Is it normal to get to a place where you just think it's over and that's that?


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No, that's normal. I sometimes think that. In fact, I've thought that just walking back from Tesco to my desk. It's OK bud. You're not losing faith, just at a place where you can cope with it a bit better now.

It's sh1t, but a bit less sh1t than before.


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NDY it is very normal to accept that it is over. Once we accept it the healing can begin. Read Sandis thread about the WW and how the LBS should react. Dont put your life on hold. Do the opposite. It takes time to get there so be kind to yourself.


M 53
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Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Hi Rick. Thanks for stopping in.

I've devoured everything Sandi has written and recon I could probably recite them off by hand :-). She's right though. Moving on isn't giving up. Time to move on with life. The last 8/9 months have been terrible and for the last while I've been viewing life very differently than from before.


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hey NDY,

I've had bigs ups and downs in the past week. W failed to respond to nicey "notice of intent". Requested 14 days, gave her 6 weeks, today issued her with another letter. Advising that court proceedings will be initiated in 7 days should a further non-response ensue.

My L and I can't understand why neither her nor her L have responded. Her L hasn't even responded to acknowldge receipt of the letter which would generally be a professional courtesy. She is either planning to lie and conconcting a strategy to get a headstart into the court. Or she really has no L yet at all.

Either way, the tension and further adversity this is causing is really bringing it all out. MOST of the time and I am just over it. The spew, rewriting history, oh and that little thing - the A, the OM [censored] W in my home on my off weeks. Like so many have said - however unhappy she was in the M, nobody forced to pursue this option.

And you know what - she was unhappy in the M because I wasn't just towing the line anymore, no matter what. I was in the place where she was at Xmas time - 4 years ago. I didn't give her the ultimatum then that she has 12 months to get her arse into gear, because I was scared. I knew deep down that she would just bail on it. 4 years later she gave me that ultimatum. 1 week later, I showed no signs of bailing. On the contrary I was excited to finally get he chance to work on my M. So her reaction .....KABOOM!

In reality, she would've been happy with me doing all the work then. Even now she refuses that she has done anything "wrong". Of course W - I won't rehash all the [censored]. So I'm over it. She has a long way to go before she even gets close to being remorseful. I really can't see this ever happening. And all for what? A R that was very unhealthy for me. Friends everywhere are popping out of the woodwork with stories about how I was whipped.

I'm not really angry, not right now, not in general. I am angry that she even dares to get on her high horse occasionally. She mounts, she spews, she waits for me to bite. I couldn't be bothered with her anymore. Real NC would be a blessing! "Just give me my kids and [censored] off would you". Unfortunately, this is not so easy.

So I think I get it, yeah.


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Hey again Py

I must say if there was a competition on how terrible sitches where yours would win by a country mile. Sorry mate and I know it's not something any of us would want to 'win'.

Funny. When I left my WW was quite happy to take her sweet time with the separation. And no wonder. She had everything she wanted. The house, S9, OM and me out of the way.

When I returned and upset that apple cart her mood changed quite considerably. Surprised? No, neither was I but she still didn't go to a L but also wasn't going to mediation.

But when she left the very next day she went to a L. She did not do that the whole time from us splitting although she had plenty of opportunity should she have wanted to.

I pretty much have NC. We correspond via email or txt and only about S9. I could put up some of the weird thought patterns that go on with her but I'll leave it for another day.

Like your WW my WW also doesn't believe she's doing anything wrong. Fine, she's only breaking up a family and putting my S9 through hell. It wasn't that long ago that I used to yearn from an email from her just for some communication. Now? not so much. The last bout of emailing that Wonka helped me with was the last time I felt any attachment to the message. These days it's just like a business correspondence with a little bit of 'not bothered' attitude mixed in there.


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Sorry boys, but you're tied on worst sitches. Mine feels like a walk in the park in comparison.


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Hey mate

I recon Py's living conditions trump it. I think that would drive me insane.


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OK, fair point.


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hi Guys,

i am just feeling sorry for myself that it doesn't really look any different now than it was a few months ago, probably worse. She has intergrated OM into her extended family as well as in mine with my kids. She doesn't even try and hide it anymore, that he spends almost all of his time there. I am anxious that worst case scenario of picking the girls up every 2nd Saturday from her new home, living with OM, is what is going to play out here.

I have lost faith that she might come around one day. I dont think she will ever acknowledge having done anything wrong, or be remorseful for destroying our family. She believes she has saved it, and I suspect she always will. Even after this A R finishes, I doubt she will give our M a second thought. Its just gone and I have to move on. GALing has slowed down in these winter months. I suspect that will save me again in the spring time.

Onwards and upwards hey. I suppose it was before, GAL, PMA etc. But now busting this D I am trying to put it out of even the back of my mind. It is just hurting me now. I just have to get used to that. Who knows what will happen post D, in a few years time. I have to focus on a new life. Finalising this cohabitation business will go along way to keeping my PMA. Every 2nd week I try to look forward to being with my girls, but then I get to the mess of a house and it's little things like the toilet seat up that send me backwards.

thanks for listening to my rant anyway. good luck in your situations.

-Py


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Hey py

She thinks about it. No doubt but right now that's not what we need to concentrate on. We need to sort us out. I, just like you am in a bit of a limbo. They say here to let it go slow. Drag it out in the hope the fog lifts. I don't see that. Not any more.

And just like you I don't see my WW ever thinking about returning to the M. Even when the A R is over. I just don't see it.

So it's moving on time. I need to get myself settled. Living accommodation set in stone and custody agreed. Then I think I'll be truly settled.

I kind of feel sorry for my W. Whatever was missing in her life will still be missing. Sure, I could have been a better husband but that's in the past now. Need to go in one direction and that's forward.

Peace.


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Hi Guys

So the meeting with the WW is on Wednesday. I'll need to keep my PMA up and slap on my happy face. She has told me that S9 gets upset at the thought of us being in the same vicinity. That stings.

Anyway she (or rather S9) expects his birthday time to be split i.e. with one parent in the morning and another in the evening. I don't want that and think we should both get to be there for the entire day. But she's not into us playing 'happy families'. I'm not suggesting this for one minute but not sure how to play this one out. TBH I don't really want to be around her either but for the sake of my boy I'd put up with it.

Thoughts?


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Why would S be upset at you being together? Irrational thought process there. For the future, you both need to be able to be civil, but at the moment that isn't something you can comprehend. She's not planning on OM being there?


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He's upset because he thinks that if the WW and I are together we will argue. Remember not so long ago where she would start fights right there in front of him? This is the consequence of that.


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Yeah, I remember. A reflection on her, rather than you.


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quick hello - thanks NDY. Got "the letter". Talk more later. Good luck for Wednesday. I think he'd be the only kid in the world that didn't WANT his parents together. maybe that is her glasses - no doubt he doesn't want you to fight - but that is a different issue.


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So meeting over. All of 20 minutes.

Turns out the thing S9 wants to do on his B day is outside. So that scuppers the birthday cake plan. WW was being so antagonistic, basically trying to bait me but I didn't bite. Then once she settled down we started talking about presents for S9. He changes his mind every 10 minutes which is normal. We need to coordinate so we don't buy him the same things. She suggested we go to a toy store after our coffee and look. I declined and said I would take S9 myself when he was with me. The look on her face at this point was noticible. Not sure if it was surprise or something else but she wasn't expecting it.

Then when the conversation turned a bit. We were talking about where and when S9 would be and I suggested that he stay with the WW one night so he wakes up on his B day with her then comes to 'our' house later. She picked up on that and said "who's house". "Our house" I said and she replied "you mean your house". All I said is that you still own half of it but then she wanted to start talking about me going to the bank etc. I could tell she didn't believe it was ever going to happen. I simply stated that I'd prefer to leave that talk to the L.

Then she move the convo onto other D matters and I just let her talk. Chipping in here and there but mostly keeping quiet.

After a few minutes I simply said "ok WW, I have things to do. I'll be in contact about S9's B day" and left her there. When I did that she had that same surprised look.

How did I do then? Thing is. As I was sitting there looking at her I kept thinking how I wanted to get away. I didn't want to spend any time with her and my feelings for her have really changed. Not sure what I want any more if I'm honest.

Last edited by NDY; 07/15/15 09:43 PM.

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That sounds like a good 'dropped rope' style meeting. Well done! Don't worry about feelings, they'll come and go. More interesting is the look of surprise. A turning point? Too early yet.

Let's face it. We all want the pain to end. We're not robots, so it's natural for us to eventually start saying 'OK, off you go' and the desire for us to move on. I think that is when the WAS starts thinking again.


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Thanks mate

Yea, the look. It had a definite affect. I wouldn't say it's a turning point but I must say it was obvious she wasn't expecting either. She obviously just expected me to go with her to the shop and to stay there the whole time, hanging onto her coat tails. Nice 180 I think.


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NDY,
I think you did well also. Sounds like a lot of detached listening type of behavior. Well done!


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In House Separation: 01/14/15
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Cheers Defacto

I had my best DB hat on. I'm finding that easier with every interaction.


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NDY,

Way to go with the interaction with W!!!! cool Well done, mate.

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Thanks Wonka

I felt good about how I handled that although nothing has been resolved RE S9's birthday. But I believe I achieved something last night.


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All quiet on the Western front?


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Silence mate. And it's working for me. I've got to a point where I'm doing my own thing for S9's birthday. I kinda like this because one of the things she said on BD day was that I never organise anything. Ok. So I've took him abroad and managed to get him home. Alive. And I've managed every drop off, pick up and god knows what else as well as have organised days with S9 so the Birth day is the next day. You read the thread on how she was when we met for a coffee? So that's just cool with me. I've already got a plan. And I've already put the wheels in motion.

Plan is my family will come here In the afternoon and do the presents and birthday cake. Ok so he gets two cakes but that's on her. Then hot dogs and pizza and then to the movies with his pals. Drop them off then a Nerf war.

What a blast.


Me:43 Her:42
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Happy for you NDY. I know exactly the feeling you're talking about. I remember a few months ago when my D said something about OM (OM #4 or 5 I believe but I might be missing a few)...for just a split second I was like "oh no we're not together anymore!" but then I was like, "oh wait, I already knew that and don't care". And since then it's been much less still.

As for you Mr. Pyrite...there will come a point when you don't even care about her coming out of the fog. It's funny, HPoirot's posts blew up because so many people are so eager for the WAS to come crawling back and realize they were wrong, and for the tables to turn, etc. Fair enough. It's a natural desire. For me, I just don't care anymore. She can do what she wants, view things how she wants, whatever. I'm confident enough in who I am and what I'm doing I don't need her validation, I'm straightening out my life and she isn't doing the same so I'm walking away, and I'm happy that I'm out of that dysfunction. Of course I don't want her to suffer, but we all suffer, and we all reap what we sew. She chose her path and she'll do the best she can, just like I will. My point is that the day will come when you not only let her go, you won't care about rewriting history and stuff like that anymore either.

Later!


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Morning NDY

That party sounds good. What is there not to like? Two cakes isn't a problem; you can save a bit 'til the week after and enjoy the moment all over again.

I know it's terribly sad, but I'm glad to see you are functioning much better than when I first came to this forum. Don't give up though - you're the daddy!


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Morning folks

Hi zues. Yea, it was hard getting here and I still have a long way to go. Of that we can all be sure but I can say it's getting easier. Funny. Not that long ago I struggled with detachment and kept getting caught in the same paradox as every other LBS where you struggle to understand how detaching can bring her back. Then when you finally wake up,and realise it's not about bringing them back its like a lightbulb moment. Now the interactions, the txt the emails don't tug on my heart strings any more. Going dim really helps. If it wasn't for S9 I doubt I would have spoken to the WW for weeks.


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Morning NDY

How you doing? When's the party?


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Morning mate

Party isn't till the first. Still plenty of time.

Had a good day with my best mate yesterday. He needed help with getting song things done for his baby to arrive in a couple of weeks so the help beacon came my way. Spent the day building furnature etc. my reward? A fantastic dinner and I'm still here. Yes, a few pints were consumed. It was a brilliant laugh but I now have so much to do at home I don't know how I'm going to get it all done. Ah well, who cares Z9 is back with me tomorrow.


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Hello NDY!

I haven’t been on the board much this week, so I’m sorry if it seems like a life-time ago that I checked in with you.

It sounds like you had a good time last night: "Yes, a few pints were consumed. It was a brilliant laugh..." I am so happy to hear this. GOOD FOR YOU!

Anything else going on? I am going to a BBQ today.

Keep thinking positive thoughts, mate!

Bob


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Hey Bob. Yea, it was a good laugh. Glad you are busy my friend. Hope the bbq is good.

What else is going on? At the moment not much. Just like you I'm keeping busy and looking forward. Gotta keep the GAL going, right?


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It's a drudge though, right? How can you have hope, when you're facing the barrel of a 45?


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Worrying stuff on matt's thread about his W finding his posts. Check your security NDY.

Everything stable, by the way?


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Hey Huddy

Don't worry about me. I work in IT remember? Private browsing all the way.

Yes, everything stable. Had some weird interaction with the WW on Sunday but not much to write about. She's coming to the house later for some stuff so I'm making sure I'm not around.


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Morning All

Well today marks what should be by 15th Anniversary. I fully appreciate how important NC is today, and I will stay dark all day.

I've been a bit down over the last couple of days knowing this was looming on the horizon. I thought I'd be ok. My detachment was going well. But there you go. You think you've nailed it only to realise that you haven't yet. Close but no cigar.

Thinking back on last year I made a bit of a mess of it. Just another line on her resentment list, pushing her closer to the OM and away from me.

Fortunately I have lots lined up for the next few days so I will be busy. But not tonight.

Have things improved with the WW? Not really. I still sense the anger in her. Meeting in a public place curtailed her enthusiasm for starting arguments. But I had to draw a line on Sunday when she wanted to go to the house for some stuff, meaning we would be alone in the house. At this point I cannot trust her to do this, and that's sad.

Anyway. Have a good day everyone.

Peace


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Hi NDY

Sorry I haven't been around. Sorry to hear that, I hope you've got through it OK.


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HI mate

I knew you were on GAL and hope you had a good time.

I'm fine. I got over myself quickly. Yes, it was hard keeping NC but I managed it and now today is just another day at the office.


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NDY,

You need to do what you can to protect yourself emotionally as well. Yeah, the WASes' minds are warped. I am glad to read that you're keeping yourself busy with GAL activities.

Stay cool. cool

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Hi NDY

Right, time to write a proper post!

That was a real kicker with the anniv. Did you get any response from W? Was your S with you? Realise your going to be feeling rough. I think a GAL activity might be good for you this weekend.

Hope you're feeling better, anyway. I know my sitch doesn't seem as drastic at the moment (she's got to return, yet), so I hope you don't feel like the 'improvement' is having ill effects on you. I hope I don't come across as rubbing you up the wrong way.

Heartily recommend a trip to Brighton with your S though. Plenty to do and a frequent flight package from Glasgow/Edinburgh to Gatwick means you can be there in 90 minutes.

Hoping you start to feel better soon!


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Hi guys.

I'm actually ok. Got lots on now. The buildup was playing on my mind but tbh I expected nothing else. So although I was feeling a bit down I know inside I shouldn't have attached any meaning to that day.

Huddy, my friend do not think for one minute you are in any way making me feel bad or anything else. We are cyber pals and I appreciate you coming here all the time.

Thing is. STBX did contact me today about arrangements for S9 for the next few weeks. Which is ok because it has to happen. I simply replied with "hi, looks fine to me, ta" which is enough don't you think?

Last edited by NDY; 07/23/15 06:35 PM.

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Certainly shows a level of detachment. Her loss if she goes ahead with her D plan.


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Journaling a bit

So the reality of separation hit home a little last night. I had family coming to stay over but had to meet a friend after work first. I didn't get home to a bit later and S9 was already there. He was excited about seeing his family. It was a shame because he couldn't get into his own house as nobody was there.

Anyway family turned up, but later than planned. S9 asked if he could stay a little later so I txt WW if that was ok. But I didn't get an answer so assumed he had to go. S9 was upset as you can imagine.

Then at the last minute WW phones and speaks to S9 to say he can stay late as long as he gets a lift home. Phew. Thank goodness for that. I txt her to say thanks it's really appreciated but S9 appreciates it more. She txt back to say it's no problem.

When it was time for him to go S9 got a lift in a really smart sports car. I took a pick of him in the car and sent it to WW saying he's on his way. She txt back to say he must be loving that car and to thank me for the pick.

So back to normal today. Got GAL plans tonight so I intend to go out at lunch and buy some new clothes for it. Should be a blast.


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Hi NDY

It's the kids that are the real victims in all this. They don't ask for the world to be turned upside down. If only W could see what damage she was doing.....

New clothes? Sounds like a big night!


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Yes, the kids. S9 didn't ask for any of this. Such a shame.

Not so much a bit night as much but a good excuse for GAL. Always with the PMA when your looking sharp on a night out. Regardless of where it is.


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Originally Posted By: NDY
Yes, the kids. S9 didn't ask for any of this. Such a shame.

Not so much a bit night as much but a good excuse for GAL. Always with the PMA when your looking sharp on a night out. Regardless of where it is.


I've realized that it is unfortunate. But it is the reality. So, I have to be twice the parent I was. It is motivation for being the best you can.


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Originally Posted By: mahhhty
Originally Posted By: NDY
Yes, the kids. S9 didn't ask for any of this. Such a shame.

Not so much a bit night as much but a good excuse for GAL. Always with the PMA when your looking sharp on a night out. Regardless of where it is.


I've realized that it is unfortunate. But it is the reality. So, I have to be twice the parent I was. It is motivation for being the best you can.

Couldn't agree more. One of the things my WW said at BD was I don't do enough with him. Well, near the end that was true because I was so caught up in running the house (to support WW, how ironic). These days I drop everything for any opportunity to spend time with him.


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Snap! So, you do your best to stretch the family finances and do everything that W wants (which mean that you spend too much time at work/means you're knackered when you get in) and you get it in the neck for not doing stuff with the kids/W. You can't win that argument.


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How you doing today NDY?


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It's been a bit of a busy weekend so not had time to come here and post.

Nothing to say at the moment really. It's all gone quiet again. I doubt it'll last. In fact I know it won't last but there isn't any reason for WW or I to speak to each other at the moment.


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OK, glad you had a good weekend.


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Morning NDY

I guess you're no further forward. Has she put the L dogs down yet?


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Yea. Quiet here. They know that no amount of L letters is going to speed up the process and there is no way I'm backing down on anything less than 50% custody of S9 so there isn't any point in them badgering me. It's just a waste of energy.

I expect this to change soon though. Once the pension valuations are in it'll be full steam ahead.

Funny, she's still not done a thing about the bills. Not even asked me to pay it in full. Wonder why?

Anyway getting used to the single life.


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Well, they know that legally you are entitled to 50% custody. Bloodsuckers.

I didn't think they could go for your pension until it was D time? I didn't think that could happen for a year and a day after S?


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Not how it works. Best you find this out now.

All the assets need to be split before the court will agree the legal separation or the divorce. This includes the pensions. Your pension valuation is considered a liquid asset to they don't physically touch your pension pot. The money is only considered for the M timeframe. Once that calculation is done then an amount goes to whomever is entitled.

Same with the house.
And the car.
And all the furniture.


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Ah. I don't think my W has considered this. I think she thinks all the furniture will go with her.


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Here is a surprise(not). The WAS always think they will just get what they want. Sure, my WW thought she would buy me out, then she didn't want that and took it off the table (i was at my brothers at the time), then she offered to buy me out again, then that was off the table and back to selling up. Then after I moved back in it was explosion time and onto the L's. Because she's not getting her own way she's not happy.

It's the same with the bills I mentioned earlier and how she's not made a move to change things into my name. I know it's mind reading but I firmly believe she thinks I will move out. She doesn't believe I would arrange for me to buy her out so she's leaving everything as is so that it's not a pain for her when she moves back.

But it's not going to play out like that. I've seen some of your comments on the noobs threads and I agree with you. The initial BD is a nightmare none of us are prepared for. And yes, we are weak at that point but your strength does come back. And the more you do for yourself the more your confidence begins to return. This is of course subject to the person that finds themselves here and the condition of the M in the first place.

I was just reading Ghost's thread and the same thing came up about how long his W was unhappy for. I got the same. Did I have a clue? Nope. No clue. But there you go. History can be rewritten after all.


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Hi NDY

Just offering some advice to newbies. I'm no expert, but after 18 long, long weeks, I think I can spot a few things that I/We've been through and try and throw a bone their way before they wade in with a mistake.

I'll check out Ghost's thread.


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Morning NDY

So, WW has realised that the grass isn't as green as it looked. I don't know which part of the west you're from, but even where I'm looking (being prepared), even for a decent two bed, I'm looking at Ł600+ pcm. Add on bills, council tax etc., I can survive, whereas my W is relying on local authority accommodation which she can't get.

It's funny how when the realisation dawns, the world looks a much colder place than their fantasy.

Hope you're doing OK.


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HI mate

I'd doing just fine. Got just about everything ready for S9 on Saturday.

Yea, the renting thing here is a pretty similar picture. The added complication in my area is that the landlords expect a long term lease. The problem I had with that is if WW and I do settle and it's me that moves I don't want to be saddled with a tenancy agreement when I want to own my own place.


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Can't you get a six month and move on to a rolling monthly after that?


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Yes, you can but trust me the competition is so fierce for these properties that there isn't much chance of you NOT getting a 2 yr lease signed if you are a landlord. You can afford to be choosy but tenants cant. You want a flat where I stay you need to get up pretty early in the morning.

True story. There was a sh!t little flat not far from where I live and it was a bit of a dump. But with a lick of paint and a trip to IKEA it would have been liveable. So I phoned and the open viewing was that day. I couldn't get away form work and they won't let you lease it without seeing it. So there was another open viewing a few days later and I put my name down. The same day I phoned the agent phoned me back to say the flat was gone.

In my job I have access to lots of data on property in Scotland and let me tell you it's a minefield.


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Worrying stat there. If I was selfish, I'd say 'fine' I can do that, but, I'm thinking of my kids and if W wants to get out and get a rental property within a local authority style agreement (i.e. old style DSS), I think she's gonna be gubbed.


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I'm not sure how the housing association thing works but from people I know in the past who have had to go down that route they don't usually get offered flats in decent areas. The council usually give you the 'excess stock' (read dump) first. So where is the local council estate where you live and what's it like because that's what she will get offered. I also believe you need to be declared as homeless as well and no, you are not allowed to make yourself homeless unless there are mitigating circumstances.

I believe your W will need to rent privately.


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I have told her that, but those rainbows and green fields are telling her otherwise!

Thanks for the intel.


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I have more if you need it, but not for sharing with your W. She needs to find this out herself. Average prices in Fife for a 3 bed rental range from Ł309 in Methil to Ł875 in Largoward. St Andrews is harder to tell because rentals for the open shoot the prices through the roof.


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Dunfermline. She wants at least a three bed.


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Dunfermline comes in at Ł627 average.

Crombie Ł485
Townhill Ł550
Cairneyhhill Ł725

There isn't a lot available either. I can only see 3. Pilmuir Place Ł650, Kennedy Crescent Ł595 and Steeple Crescent Ł795.

So it looks like Dunfermline may be like here where it's difficult to rent. There have only been 72 available in the last year.


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That's interesting. W is in trouble! Not gonna tell her though, she's a big girl. I sneakingly think she already knows this as she has made no further progress in locating property either here or back in Yorkshire.

There's always Premier Inn of course!


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Yea, I agree. Let her figure it our herself. That's why I stepped back when the WW announced she was going to look at a flat. I knew what would happen before she did. But I kept my mouth shut. It's none of my business anymore what she gets up to.


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Hey mate. Thumbs on the train. I can't wait for my mrs to leave the house. M is done. Will just make life so much easier for me. Even just logistics let alone moving on.

Word on the L sitch- here law is if either party wants to change custody sit ch, they need court permission. Technically this applies to custody sitch as recognise by court BUt our was mediated and has existed for 6 months PLUS her formal response stated she wants to Maintain 50/50. So onus is on her to prove that mo img. Kids improve their lives.

Hours after we formally called her bluff she was begging me to. Compromise. Before the judge tells her to get off her own pedestal. I declined. I really believe next "discussion " she will be apology like crazy for all the [censored] she swore she would never apologise for. And then ask me again to compromise. Blahhhj


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Hi py. That's good news. So she can't move the kids halfway across town without court permission? Good for the courts and good for the kids. I'm glad to hear that.

So yea, I recon your STBX will try and get you to change your mind. But it's not about her is it? She of course won't see it like that but tough. You do what's right for you and your kids.

Strength my friend.


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Morning Guys

Way to go Py! Begging and pleading? Tables have been well and truly turned. Goof for you and your family.


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We guys. I don't normally post about interactions with the WW anymore because there isn't usually anything of substance to write about. This is slightly different. Cast your mind back to when the lawyers were involved and she 'threatened' me by not paying for the household bills. I agree she shouldn't need to because she's not living there so my L instructed her L to transfer all the bills to me. Remember also that everything is in her name.

Anyway I received an email from her this afternoon. I was busy so only managed to read it just before leaving work. Context as follows.

She has received the bill for the child minder and needs me to pay half. She also wants to discuss how much money I give her every month as she's paying household bills she shouldn't need to and she needs to pick stuff up tomorrow for their holiday.

My response as follows.

Yes, i transfer the money for the child minder tonight.

As for the household bills, I believe you received a copy of my lawyers email?

Happy for you to pick up your stuff.

Have a nice weekend.

So, she wants me to pay the bills but still keep control of everything. No way. Not going to happen.
This should get interesting.


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Ha, ha! WAS, the mind boggles. If you want to decide on what goes on in the house, why don't you come back and be a family again.

Who's she going away with? I thought it was S9's b'day this weekend?


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She and S9 are going on holiday for a week. It'll be good for him.
I know about the WW mindset. I want out of the M but I still want full control? Nah. Don't think so. It's my money and my responsibility so move everything into my name. Pretty simple really. But like I said before she doesn't want to do that because she doesn't believe I'll take on the house. And that may well end up being the case but little by little I will take control of my own life. She doesn't want to pay the bills and she quite right not to. But I'm not agreeing to her suggestion that I simply hand over my salary the way we used to when we were together. Not going to happen.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
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EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
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Too right! Hope S9 has a good time.


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He will. But I know for a fact he misses me when he goes with her because I play with him and get him introduced to other kids effortlesy. She on the other hand will lie by the pool and expect him to just get on with it. Ok, she will play pool and get in the pool with him every now and again but not the way I do. Still I hope they both have fun.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
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Hi NDY, just been catching up on your sitch. I finally L up this week asking them to draw out a consent order for the court. UK law. basically, it outlines what I want and it would be up to H to agree or not. This does not require the disclosure needed for a financial order EXCEPT for the finances related to the consent order.

A blessing for me, H says he does not want to see me short so will agree on 50/50 house and pension. This is the ONLY thing we are splitting. I am paying half the bills for the house etc as we speak and H earns twice that i do. Ironically, L says I will probably get maintenance. Not going there. Funny as H says I am too independent and he is fed up with living in my shadow. Plus the emotional abuse, of course!


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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Hi smothy.

Cruddy when you are forced to L up but it's a necessity. It also goes a long way to relieving the stress. In my case I don't discuss anything with the WW to do with our separation. That's the L's job.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
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NDY, good to see your update. You sound strong.

Sorry to hijack, but I saw Smothy's post and have to comment: Smothy, I have dealt with divorced families for a decade and must urge you to not waive any of your rights at this point. You may sorely regret it and by then it will be too late. Listen to your lawyer, you hired him/her because you need expert advice and you are not one, and because this is emotional to you.

The financial inequality you describe is going to catch up with you. 50/50 is not fair when he makes twice what you do, and please seek maintenance if your lawyer says to.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
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Hi painter

No apology required.


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Painter, thanks for the heads up. Really do not want any more than what I laid out. I think 50/50 is fair on both of us. I want the severance completely when I move and do not want H's money/ maintenance.

It would be interesting to see as at the moment he has money to spend on OWs for meals out, hotels etc.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
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hey NDY - I hear ya about L only converstaion. Outside of business with kids conversation consists of any of 4 single words. "Yes", "No", "Maybe", "Lawyer". Very sad about it sometimes but mostly just numb.


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Hey py.

Yea, sad but I'm ok with that. I'm in a different place now so it's ok for us to be reduced to this. Perhaps small progress with light convos will happen but right now she's still in the angry phase so it's all water off a ducks back.

But anyway. I don't care about that right now. WhT I care about is S10's birthday. I got him at 4 and it was just him and I. Everyone was late (as usual) so we had an epic nerf war anyway.

Then his pals turn up and my family turn up. The nerf war turned into all the boys (old and young) getting into it. It was epic. So epic that we had to rush to the cinema. Result? I forgot the birthday cake:-)

Then when we got back S10 wanted the final nerf war. But I had it all planned. I set up a fog machine and a strobe light. He had no clue and the game was he had to attack me.

I took a slow mo video of it and Facebook light up when people saw it.

Today? Only another nerf war. Brilliant.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
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Nice one. Light convo? Signs of hope?


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Brilliant! Sounds like we can all do with a giant Nerf war.

Great he enjoyed his party.


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Nah. Closest I came was her coming here and no fight. I was pretty detected though. And tonight when I dropped of S10 she for the first time came to the door. Smiled and waved at me and said thanks. That's about it. Nothing really.

Sh!t thing is that I've suddenly started renumerating again. I had this so under control and perhaps its because of the boys birthday but I'm struggling to keep her out of my head. For such a long time I had it. Totally had it under control but the last few hours I found myself back on the roller coaster. Need to get Clint back to shoot out those thoughts.

But when I dropped S10 off she was in joggies and a sweatshirt with her hair loosley tied back. Fek she is hot. Gotta stop thinking this way.

Last edited by NDY; 08/02/15 06:37 PM.

Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
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Originally Posted By: NDY
Sh!t thing is that I've suddenly started renumerating again. I had this so under control and perhaps its because of the boys birthday but I'm struggling to keep her out of my head.
Hi NDY!

Thank you for the post in my thread. It meant so much to me.

Birthdays, anniversaries, "special" songs are just some examples of "triggers." Do you recall when I heard the song "With or Without You" by U2 on the radio? One of our favorite songs. I had been doing well until I heard that. I had tears welling up in my eyes for at least 20 minutes after that.

What you felt is very normal. Then, on top of that, seeing your W dressed like that can be really tough. She sounds like a very pretty woman. I always loved it when my W had her hair pulled back loosely.

Stay stong and keep a PMA. Also, thank you for the heads-up about some newbies on the board. That's just like you--always putting others first. I'm doing my best to "spread the love." LOL

Get out as much as you can. Have some fun and take things a day at a time.

Your friend,

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
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I go through this periodically. It usually has to get to the point of me beating myself up for regressing etc. then I remember advice that i have even given others - take it easy on yourself. This is bigger than both of us. This grieving.


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That's OK. You just can't show it. Keep it inside.


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NDY,

Just a quick observation and of course some speculation. From my experience a woman knows when she looks attractive. In other words, it probably was not by happenstance that she was looking a way that you find attractive. You have known each other long enough for her to know what you like.

If you are keeping a journal about working towards you goals, jot this down. Over time you might find that you are making progress and did not even know it.

These little things are what we tend to forget and we get discouraged. No doubt, I could be reaching, but it is still worth recognizing.


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
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The other thing that happened yesterday was that after I dropped of S10 a friend txt me to ask how everything went. I was sitting alone at that point. Literally in the house for 5 minutes in the silence and caught me off guard and I kind of lost it.

It wasn't the WW I was missing. It was S10. He had said to me at the car he was already missing me. I said how I wish I was going with him so we could play in the pool. Really tugged at my heart.

So yea, I can get back on track detaching from the WW but by God it's hard to watch your child walk away like that.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
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NDY,

I feel you man. When I dropped off my S5 yesterday she held on to me and said, "Daddy, I want you to go with us. I want both of my parents at the new apartment."

Man that just kills you inside. There was nothing I could do but tell her that I love her and will see her soon. I just wish my WW could see what she is doing. WW's are so self-absorbed that the miss the most important things in their lives.


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
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This is so true. I mean, it's one thing to hurt our feeling but the kids? Really? I just don't understand that. Never will.


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S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
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I think back to my Dads affair. I was 8 at the time. I didn't really get on with him as he worked away a lot. I was a lot closer to my Mum and Gran. He went off with my Aunty (I wondered why we spent every Sunday going to her house), found his own place and realised that the world wasn't as green as he expected. He was back within seven months.

I never forgave him. Our relationship was fractured, at that point, forever. We never did anything really together after that. Never did the 'first pint' when I was eighteen, nothing. I hated him.

He dies when I was 19 and I slept like a baby that night. Cruel, I know, but that's how it effects children. I wish WAS's realised that.


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That's a sad story Huddy. I really hope S10 never feels like that about his mum but he'll make his own mind up when he matures. I don't know how he feels about her right now. Probably doesn't want to face up to the fact that his parents aren't perfect.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
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There is not doubt that divorce adversely affects children. There is also no doubt that WW or WAS don't care at all about that. They convince themselves in some weird twisted way that it is best for the children because they will be happier and therefore a better parent. They do not think rationally. You can't tell them this because you can not rationalize irrational behavior and thoughts.

I remember my WW saying, "I know it is hard, but you will see, it will be better for all of us in the end, I know it in my heart, trust me."

What a crock of chit.


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

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Hi whyus.

They 'think' they will be happier but from what I can tell this is rarely the case.
New thread


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2594018&#Post2594018


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
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OM still on the go.
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