I get what your therapist is saying, Mozza, I do. However, for me there is something primal in the notion that when we get married we essentially tell one another that we choose one another above others. These days I find it is pretty painful to truly accept that didn't happen for me.
As you probably understood already, I'm the same. Last week, I went for a jog and probably spent half my time (and motivation) thinking of whether I could outrun OM, which is not going to happen: he's a competitive runner, ten years younger than me. But I want to be better than him at everything, to prove something. It's nothing that will make me better or happier, it's just this desire to be proven right. So, same for a relationship with WW: why try to prove that I'm better at it than him if it doesn't make me better, happier? What do I stand to gain from it? Why do I want it?
On a related note, this week I told my IC I wasn't confident I could find someone new who would stay this time. He asked why this is what I'm looking for, pointing that I'm looking for a relationship rather than a person. This might lead me down the same road. Remember that one of my IC's working theory was that I pushed my WW away, she was just the one to take the definitive step of S. I'm not sure I agree, but I keep the idea in a corner of my mind.
Originally Posted By: raliced
His mom seems very convinced that she is either gone or on the way out. That made me feel better but I wish it didn't matter so much to me.
Even if it's not confirmed, this also makes me a little too happy... There's such shadenfreude in seeing these R collapse. I love to be proven right. Of course, it gives me hope that this will happen in my case as well (and I'm sure it will). Sometimes I wonder if I want WW back or if I'd prefer that she lives in misery for the rest of her life for having dumped me.
By the way, it's fascinating to me that your WAH shares so little with his parents. His mom isn't even sure if he's a R!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yes, also for me I think is - anyone else would be better than her. Because that R was formed in deceit and betrayal of me and will always hurt the most. But if that R ends and H takes up with someone else - it's not ideal of course. But it is better than her....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Raliced I can totally relate to that gut-wrenching feeling when you hear things like that - it happens to me all the time. I am still very close to a few of H's close family and they will mention things unintentionally in conversation such as a trip overseas H and OW planned (to a little place I would have loved to visit), or some event they are attending. It's just as if he has a new wife and our marriage never existed.
But maybe D3 has got a little mixed up with things?- but wouldn't it be great to just not care what they were doing? I find it doesn't sting quite so much now, but still just enough to stop me in my tracks for a while.
Me - 44 Husband - 47 D20, S18 BD - Aug 2013 Moved out - Jan 2014 OW discovered Jan 2014
I was feeling much better about everything. My MIL stayed with me for a week, we had a very nice visit, D4 had a great birthday and I was even able to finish some long delayed plumbing projects around the house (I did a couple and hired someone for the others).
Then this morning, since my MIL was there to help the girls get ready for school, I tried to leave a little early. As I started to pull out of the driveway, D7 showed up at the front door crying for me. So I pulled back in and held her on my lap for 10 minutes until the weepies stopped. I suppose some of this could be normal kids stuff, but these episodes are pretty frequent and it seems pretty probable that she has some anxiety that I'm going to disappear like her Dad did. And I can't really do anything about it, other than show up and be there every day, which I do. Hopefully she will eventually trust in that.
After I got to work, I kept thinking about when they were newborns, and how I felt I would move mountains for those little wrinkly, precious bundles. Now the main underpinning of their existence has been yanked away and there is nothing I can do except to focus on building a new one.
Raliced, sorry your D is having a hard time right now. I agree that some of it is just normal kid stuff, it does happen, they just get the weepies for no apparent reason. And I know that you are there for them day in and day out. You are a great mom, take comfort in that.
Let me share a phenomena with you and see if this rings true for you.
My now D21 often got a case of the tearful goodbyes when I was feeling that way. I'm almost certain that I wore/wear my emotions on my sleeve and she emoted what I was afraid of outright expressing. In other words, she acted on my sadness/fear/grief.
I was told by her IC that I had to do a better job of acting like I had my crap together, and that it was MY job to reassure her and her sister that we were totally okay and to present the front of stability and calm. And sometimes it was outright terrifying and a bold faced lie.
But after I thought about it some more, I realized that my parents did a great job about being optimistic in situations where they felt hopeless. It's the exact things that kids need.
So when I realized I had to adopt the same attitude, I quickly found out that my daughters - yes, both of them - responded in suit. I did have to find friends and family who were willing to let the fearful me emote, and they were (and are) a godsend.
Which isn't to say that my D21 didn't spy on me. Her room was next to mine, and try as I thought I did, sometimes she could hear me crying in bed. I just dealt with those circumstances when they arose. I also told her that for some reason, when I lay down, it's pretty much the only time my feelings come out and I let them. I told her it was healthy to release them and I'd be okay. And I made good on my promise to wake up in control again.
Hugs to you too- Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey - I totally hear what you are saying - and I don't discount the notion that I could be emoting something I'm not aware of - but I've been pretty careful to not show any angst around my kids. I only cried once in the last year, and in truth you probably see my emotions at highest tilt on this board.
D7 is one of those kids who throws up in the morning if we are doing something she has been looking forward to that day (last year when we went to Disneyland, she threw up three times in the car on the way to the airport, and then was totally fine). If I look at it from her perspective, her dad very suddenly and abruptly disappeared from her daily life (we hadn't been fighting or anything) and a few months ago - we waved good-bye to my father, who was looking hale and hearty at 8 in the morning on our way to a swim meet, and by lunchtime he was gone forever. I think it's probably pretty normal for her to be anxious that someone else is going to disappear. A few weeks ago my mom was watching her after school and I got home 5 minutes later than I said I was going to. She was sitting outside waiting for me and quizzing my mom about what would happen if I got in a car accident and my airbag didn't deploy.
Anyway - on a different topic, STBX forwarded me an email from his lawyers today. Apparently there is still one form I need to file with the court and have formally "served". It has to do with property. Just to be clear, nothing in our property settlement is at issue, there has never been any argument over it. Once that document is filed, we are free to sign our final papers and be divorced. There was a bunch of stuff I needed to file (after my dad died I considered hiring a lawyer to do it for me - but I finally powered through what I thought was all of it on a quiet weekend). Anyway - the e-mail he forwarded was over 2 weeks old and it basically said if he was on speaking terms with me could he ask me to hurry along with it or, in the alternative, they could file a motion with the court and have a hearing that would allow them to proceed without it.
STBX's comment was simply "let me know what I should tell them - I really don't care".
And I find myself really ambivalent about what to do. I feel kind of like saying "It's your divorce. Frankly, filling out another form and having it served is a pain and since nothing is at issue, I don't care if the court just rules that we can move forward without it - unless that's going to cost you a lot of money. Let me know."
I've no idea what to do in your situation and I'm curious to see which way you'll go. My dilemma is whether I should file jointly with her or not. If I don't, it will add costs and delays, but at least it would put on the record that I didn't want this divorce. Thinking about it, I don't see how that's going to help anyone. It's pretty clear to everyone that I didn't want this D. I'm not sure I understand the process and consequences, but what's the upside for you of avoiding this latest form?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The end result will be the same no matter which way I go - I suppose filling out the form and going through of the hoops would probably save him some money and be more gracious - so I'll probably just do it.
It's true that STBX has a way of spinning things in his head to feel like the injured party and I don't want to give him any ammunition.
When he moved back to town, my MIL rather hopefully asked me what the status was of our divorce, and given his own indifference, it probably ignited a little hope within me. Truth be told however, as is frequently mentioned on this board, it really is just a piece of paper. We have been living a completely divorced life for a year now.
I went ahead and told him I would get it completed by the end of the month. I really am surprised by my reluctance to take what is basically almost the final step to complete the divorce (the final step would be signing the final papers).
I spent a big part of the weekend doing handyman work around the house. There were two closets in the house with doors that didn't slide any more. STBX had told me they were just old and not fixable, (which I just accepted) but I had the time to take them apart and figured out that they only need new rollers, which after some trial and error I was able to successfully install. The front door has too much of a gap between the door and the jamb - but after exploring options (weatherstripping won't cut it), I think I had better leave that one to an actual professional.
I feel worn down. I'm taking the girls to Disneyland next weekend (I splurged and got us annual passes for the year) and I find I am clinging to the anticipation of a happy family getaway like a life preserver.
