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Raliced, what a happy update. I love your GAL and I'm happy that STBX seems a little more involved.

The last season that I coached a basketball team I developed anemia so severe I couldn't even run up and down the court with the girls, blood clots, and that's when STBX moved out. I scheduled my surgery to wait until after the season finished. I'm afraid that if I coach another season I'll get hit by a bus.



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Raliced, you sound really strong. ..and yes, kids and cats are excellent judges of character. That's great news that STBX is more involved. Thanks for sharing this update. It's inspiring, and I'm especially happy to read it today.


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Quote:
Finally – he does seem to prefer my picking up the girls at his apartment rather than him driving them out to my house. It all sort of feels like he is establishing his turf and also planting a flag of “I will be more engaged in our daughter’s lives!” I’ll take it. I hope it lasts.


That's about as good as it gets, Raliced. It's about time!

LOL, several months ago, Mr. W. finally told me that he's sick of doing all the driving. I think my answer was "Oh." I wasn't sure if that was a commentary or what, but apparently he was testing the waters to see what I'd say when he said, "How about I feed D18 dinner Sunday nights and then you drive out to pick her up after dinner? We may have to make some exceptions along the way, but will this work for you?" I was a little shocked. I'm thinking he was shocked at my answer too... maybe he was expecting me to say something sarcastic or something? I dunno. We're 10 years post-D and 12 post split. You'd think he'd be okay with initiating proposed changes at this point?

My D18 used to volunteer at the Humane Society in the cat part. She loved it! My sister is knee deep in feral rescue. That's a story for another day, though. Enjoy your time with the girls and kitties!

BTW, you're doing lots right.

Have a great weekend, Coach!

Betsey


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An exciting weekend.....

Saturday was D7's soccer game. STBX came to see her. He was watching D3 on the playground, while D7 was horsing around with her teammates waiting for our match to start (the previous game was running late). One of them stepped on a wasp's nest and the wasps swarmed the girls. D7 was stung/bitten at least 8 times and half my team got at least one sting. I ran over to help her (she was covered and screaming like a banshee to "get them off of me!"), immediately got stung 5 or 6 times and then STBX came over and got stung a couple of times. I was glad he was there (since he lives closer now he can come to more games) - so he could help comfort and calm D7 (I still had to coach). After we went home he texted a few times to check on her (he had to go to work) and then tried to Facetime, although the timing never quite worked out. However, the next day she texted him in the morning....no response...I texted letting him know she really wanted to hear from him and he finally touched base around 6 that night when he was at work again. Somehow I found that a little troubling - but I let it go.

His mom is coming out to visit this week for D3's birthday (gotta update my signature again). This should be interesting. She's come out 3 times since BD and each time she has stayed with me, and only seen him very briefly. This time, now that he lives back in town, she will still stay with me but probably spend most of Wednesday through Friday with him (his weekend). Another step towards a little more civil relationship (hopefully).


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Sounds all good.

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I am finding myself doing some spinning and I’m a little surprised by it.

I gave up “fighting” the actual divorce long ago (almost a year!). Yes, I still retain some hope that our family will somehow come together again, but for the most part I’ve been content to let STBX do his own thing and focus on me and my girls. I’ve enriched my own life, worked on myself and tried my best to come to terms with all of this.

I have to say – it was a lot easier to do when he was living an hour away and was basically out of sight and out of mind. Now that he’s moved back to town, I feel like I have regressed.

Yesterday we texted back and forth for a bit. It turns out that he would like his mom to stay with him on Wednesday night. We worked out the logistics of it. No problem. Again, I do think it’s a positive that he’s being more open with his parents and letting them be more a part of his life (although they seem to carefully avoid “sensitive topics”).

Then this morning I was driving D3 (almost D4) to school and she was babbling all kinds of stuff. Now, obviously she is three, and her stories and commentaries don’t necessarily follow a logical sequence. So I take everything with a grain of salt. But she said something about Daddy and OW getting a new house right in the middle of a story about feeding the ducks at the local pond.

And I felt like throwing up. You know – if you read back through my posts – clearly I have some fear and anxiety about OW becoming a permanent part of my life. And that brief preschooler comment just brought it all to bear. The possibility that this move to town is some sort of intermediary step towards them setting up their own establishment has definitely occurred to me. STBX had multiple affairs – he was pretty unhappy with his life, he made a change, and frankly he’s clearly been going through some sort of turmoil. I’ve made some degree of peace with that. But the thought that he merely found someone that he preferred over me and who is “better” in his eyes than me, is something that is pretty painful and disrupting. I find I’m still pretty raw on this topic.


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You are aware that WHs always trade down?

Keep that firmly in mind, plus if they will do it with you they will do it to you. It's still early days.

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V 64, WAW


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Also, my dear, that she may be many things, but permanent is definitely and absolutely not one of them. And if he "preferred" her -- well, frankly, a proper, committed husband doesn't develop "preferences" because he's committed to his choices. I mean, wives aren't entrees!! We don't just get to send back the filet mignon because a hamburger is what we really wanted after all.

I get the feelings, though. They trigger when we think we've mastered them and it's like a double-hit because not only are we having those yucky feelings but we're angry at having to live through that experience again when we'd gotten our heads around the facts and just want to move on.

Huge hugs for you, Raliced. You are a rock star.


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It's strange how we can be reminded that we're not so far down the road as we think we are, that we are not as detached as we believe we are. The babbling of D3 about a new house was your reminder, be it accurate or not. In my case, my WW is pressing me and wrote "our M is over anyway", and it punched me in the gut. My reaction made me realize that I was hoping for R more than I care to admit. The recent lull, despite the mediation progress, made me think that perhaps, maybe, if only...

My IC talks some about this idea in my head that I was not good enough for my WW, that OM might be better fitted for her. In fact, he seems perfectly comfortable with the idea and to think that it is a possibility. "Why not?" he seems to say. His point appears to be: it has nothing to do with my worth. It is not a reason to think less of myself. It might be that we've grown different, WW and I; or that she was never a good fit for me; or that she needs something that I can't provide. Why would I be perfect for everyone? Why hold myself to this standard? Why measure my worth by her choices?


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Thanks All -

My head agrees with what you are all saying and probably even my heart - just not my stomach some days. sick

His mom seems very convinced that she is either gone or on the way out. That made me feel better but I wish it didn't matter so much to me.

Originally Posted By: Maybell

I get the feelings, though. They trigger when we think we've mastered them and it's like a double-hit because not only are we having those yucky feelings but we're angry at having to live through that experience again when we'd gotten our heads around the facts and just want to move on.


Yeah Maybell - I feel kind of like I rushed to the airport, beat the traffic, managed to park, got through security, ran to the gate and breathed a huge sigh of relief that I made it, only to hear that the flight has been delayed while they wait an indeterminate amount of time for a crew to arrive.

Originally Posted By: Mozza

My IC talks some about this idea in my head that I was not good enough for my WW, that OM might be better fitted for her. In fact, he seems perfectly comfortable with the idea and to think that it is a possibility. "Why not?" he seems to say. His point appears to be: it has nothing to do with my worth. It is not a reason to think less of myself. It might be that we've grown different, WW and I; or that she was never a good fit for me; or that she needs something that I can't provide. Why would I be perfect for everyone? Why hold myself to this standard? Why measure my worth by her choices?


I get what your therapist is saying, Mozza, I do. However, for me there is something primal in the notion that when we get married we essentially tell one another that we choose one another above others. These days I find it is pretty painful to truly accept that didn't happen for me.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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