First of all – thank you to everyone who sent well wishes after the death of my father. It really did help and I appreciate it. I’m doing ok – not great – but functional. My parents had already done a lot of pre-planning, but there was still a lot to do for the funeral - my local sister and brother weren’t up to it, and my oldest sister lives in Virginia, so most of it fell to me – and I got through it. The day he died he drove his pickup over to my house, and Mom said I should just keep it. Sometimes I sit in there because it still smells like him.
Dad’s death has had an effect on my feelings towards STBX and my divorce. At first, as I noted on my previous thread, I was really enraged at STBX, for causing so much pain and upheaval during Dad’s last year. He also limited his condolences to a texted “I’m sorry” and a half-hearted offer to send flowers. No concern for me, no concern for his children and no acknowledgement of all the help my Dad gave our family (including him) over the years. Mostly crickets. I started to make excuses for him (He feels awkward, doesn’t know what to do, etc….) and then just stopped – I really don’t care. And now I look at the whole sordid situation, and frankly, STBX just feels unworthy of all the pain and all the headspace. Logically I know this is how my grief is manifesting itself, and of course the end of a marriage deserves a lot of reflection, but nonetheless…….
So…what to do…what to do….At the memorial service, I spoke, my oldest sister spoke, and my BIL read a heartfelt letter from my nephew, who is stationed in Afghanistan. We didn’t compare notes ahead of time – but it was funny how we all made the same observations about my father. He was an incredibly hard worker, but still took delight in his kids and spent so much time with them (I remember him leaving at 4:00am to go to work so that he could still get home at 5:00pm to have dinner with us). He was a very knowledgeable man, but never used that knowledge as a club to make others feel “less than”. And he was a quiet man whose actions always spoke volumes about how he put his family first. Those all seem like worthwhile things to aspire to - so I’m thinking I will start focusing on emulating those qualities. One of the few things I’ve focused on in the last week is a decision that I need to go back to school and get my Master’s so that I can better support my daughters. I hate formal schooling; my undergraduate years seemed like a very expensive exercise in proving to others that I already knew the things I was being measured on. I’m not looking forward to it, but in my field it’s really a necessity to move up, so I’m going to take a page from my Dad’s book and put my nose to the grindstone for a while. I’ve filled out all the forms and gotten approval for some tuition reimbursement from work. Onward.
D7 is spending 3 weeks in NY with her paternal grandparents. STBX escorted her (spent a couple nights and then came back) and at the end of the month I will take D3 to spend a week there and bring D7 home. So it’s a little quieter around the house for a while. Good time to make plans and finish up the D.
My boss has given notice and will only be at work through the end of the month. She's really been great to me throughout the past year - I'm not sure that whoever I end up reporting to will be as accommodating. On the other hand - in the reshuffle I may end up with something better (even that long desired work from home position). Normally the uncertainty wouldn't phase me - but it's pretty challenging at the moment.
And then there's my mother. With Dad's passing - my sister and I have discussed that it might be better if she just came to live with me. She and Dad lived in a Mother-In-Law unit over my sister's garage - and despite the fact that she lives on my sister's property she actually doesn't see my sister's family very much. At my house she could have the large spare bedroom and actually live with us and have meals with us. She and my sister are too much alike and they constantly butt heads. Dad was sort of the buffer zone between them. I'm a little more zen with her. I'm not sure if this arrangement has occurred to Mom - so we will probably all tread carefully around one another the next few months.
I'm feeling the need to to really finalize my divorce. It's been delayed due to various things that need to be filed with the court. Some of the problem is STBX's lawyer (we're a low priority) and some is me - it's difficult for me to drive over an hour to his county courthouse during working hours to file various items. So I'm going to go ahead and retain a lawyer this week just to herd everything though the final hoops. Dad's death has really crystallized the need for me to be done.
I hope the coming year is not so full of upheaval - but I don't think that is how life works.
Oh, Raliced, I'm so sorry I missed this. I'm beyond sorry for you on the loss of your dad. Big hugs. As someone who is becoming a semi-professional mourner for people close to me, I am not at all prepared to lose my dad. At least right now.
He sounds like a good man, and someone who will be dearly missed. The world doesn't have enough of people like him.
I like the plan for your mom. Perhaps your solution is what BOTH of you need for the next phase?
If there is any silver lining in losing loved ones (I'm up to 4 in the past year, so I'm seeing this clearly now), it's that it really pushed "what isn't important" to a back burner. I've really gone back to the basics. Letting chores go to call friends or family members, writing my uncle who is in a nursing home (I try to write him every other week). And for absolute sure, I'm telling everyone how much I love and appreciate them. Life is just too short.
Sounds like we have family in the same places - NY, VA, CA. Hopefully, they haven't negotiated a deal for group tickets to the afterworld?
Much love and hugs, Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Gah! I am very emotional this week. And that is not normal for me. I'm very even keel by nature.
I'm still feeling bursts of anger about STBX. I know some of this is misplaced grief, but part of me thinks that I jumped to possible solutions so quickly after BD, that I just never let myself fully feel the anger. And in the succeeding year - every time I get angry at him - I have actively tried to bat it down. I don't want to wallow in anger - but I think I'm going sit with it for awhile this time.
The emotions aren't just welling up about STBX. Last night I was at a coaches meeting for the upcoming soccer season. I know the board member are all volunteers and do their best - but- good grief- it was a disorganized mess. It was supposed to end at 7:45 and we didn't get out of there until 9:15 (and there was still a load of unfinished business). Normally, I find that kind of situation bemusing, but last night I. just. was. not. having. it. At the end when we were lining up to sign up for our field and practice selection (after a ridiculously lengthy "lottery") and everyone was just ambling around with no direction, my blood finally boiled and I just took over - totally unlike me.
Anyway- This morning I am winding my way through my online course on business statistics which I will need before beginning my graduate program. Apparently, the astronomy class I took 25 years ago to get out of my math requirement (I was a history major) won't cut it.
I also applied for a position with the hospital that is in my town- the job description sounds tailor made for me. If I got it - I would get a an hour and a half of commuting time back daily. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will score an interview (I always feel I have a pretty sporting chance if I at least get to the interview stage). Hopefully it isn't something they posted that is already pegged for an internal candidate.
I know I'll get through all of this. Yesterday, I read an article about some people who react to tragedies in their life by accomplishing meaningful things in what is termed "Post Traumatic Growth". So I guess I can head that direction or I can brood on what has happened, get stuck and be bitter. I sure as h*** know which direction I want to go.
Hi Raliced, I'm not surprised that you feel so emotional. And I agree that there may be some misplaced grief. I have found myself feeling angry at my H sometimes for things that have little to do with him.
I'm also thinking a lot about releasing anger, emotion and working toward forgiveness at the moment. I worry that I internalise things and it isn't good for me.
Hopefully you can accept the feelings and give yourself some time to grieve. It sounds as though you are doing pretty well considering.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you on the job front.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you so much for giving us an update. I was really looking forward to it after the death of your father. It's moving what you wrote about him, even more that you feel the need to share with us who he was. The image of you in his truck is powerful. I hope you'll continue to cope well with it.
I would have bet my pension that you already had a master's and that you had studied some quantitative stuff. We're even more alike than I thought because I also came from the humanities and drifted towards numbers without ever meaning it. As for the master's, I would expect that you will enjoy it more than your undergrad. There is a lot more autonomy and, given your self-awareness, you should ask about options to do a self-directed class. I did that once - you meet the prof once a week for guidance, but the rest is you at the library. It was one of my best "classes". Keep us posted on this beautiful project. And hopefully you'll find pleasure in it, not just a mean to progress at work. Life is short.
I find your anger interesting. I had moments of anger earlier, a few months after BD, and I decided to feel them. I never took them out on WW, but I would not feel guilty for being angry at her. In fact, it helped me greatly to feel a little better and was likely instrumental in getting me to a better place each time. I encourage you of thinking about where this anger comes from inside of you and that might be triggered by the recent events.
"Post-traumatic growth". I like that. It describes many of us here.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
This week is the anniversary of my BD. My sitch has been a very slow moving one where very little happens (which is why after all this time, I still am only on my eighth thread)- but all of the sudden this last week there has been a fairly major development.
Just to recap for anyone newish who may be reading. My BD was pretty out of the blue and my STBX moved in with the OW, who lives an hour away, that same day. While he doesn't have the kids very frequently, because he has them on school days, all the driving back and forth has been kind of hard on them. I'm not 100% sure, but I believe that OW owns the house they were living in.
So last week, out of the blue, he sent me an email that he was now living in an apartment back in the town we live in (its within walking distance of the school) with no additional comment.
I immediately assumed things had blown up with OW, but when D3 spent the night there she babbled some things about OW that made it sound like she was there - although again, I'm not really sure. D7 is back east visiting her grandparents - when she gets back she can hopefully give me a more coherent idea about what is going on. It sounds like maybe this is a second residence for them/STBX for the days he has the girls?
Either way - I guess its a positive that he's showing signs of actually starting to think of the kids welfare for the first time in a year.
I'm not looking forward to seeing him and possibly her around town though (it's a pretty small town- it will definitely happen). It's actually been kind of nice that I've never had to worry about that. I'm also a little surprised. STBX ran into my sister at the grocery store once about 3 months ago and he literally turned around and ran away. Now he's putting himself in a position where these kinds of run ins will happen more frequently.
So - to summarize - I don't know what the heck is going on. I'm going back east to visit his parents and pick up D7 next week - maybe they will have some sort of clue. I find this all exhausting - I wish we were at a place where I could just ask him.
Mozza - Yes it sounds like we are quite similar. As a kid, I would have never dreamed that I would end up in a career that required so much math. My actual area of expertise is Process Improvement, and seeing the patterns and getting the numbers to improve is something I am both good at and enjoy immensely. Every once in a while I can't believe I didn't end up teaching History or English - that seemed like a more likely trajectory throughout most of my youth. I can do a lot of the work for my graduate degree online - so I'm hoping it will work a little better for me than the undergraduate stuff.
My sitch has been a very slow moving one where very little happens (which is why after all this time, I still am only on my eighth thread)
What should I say? I am only on my fourth thread - and I think we joined around the same time. I hate the waiting place.
Raliced, I know how you feel about living in a small community. I was at a post-camp barbecue for my daughter. We went as a family. OM was there with his STBXW. What a *lovely* reunion it was. I put on a big smile and focused on my children, but inside I was a mess. thoughts going off in every direction. Driven to complete distraction. I am surprised I didn't put mustard on the watermelon instead of the hot dog. Like you said: exhausting.
I suppose this is our test. I am told that with time, and a daily dose of detachment, eventually emotions cool down and they are less consuming. Our presence here on DB is a testament to the fact that communication is important to us, so it is hard not knowing what our Ss are thinking. I too have no clue what my WW is planning, if anything. Last week, I came home to find a dog in our house. This week, my W launched a new business. As usual, we are the last to know.
One thing I realized: the ramifications of a change are not easily predicted. I hope that whatever the change in dynamic, it works out well for you.
Sorry, again, about your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
This is a fairly big development indeed and I like how you take it, from the perspective of the children's welfare. And you're right that it will come to light in due time. I think you said you're not so keen on R with W anymore, so I guess it helps to keep the focus on you.
I live some 6 blocks away from WW and OM, in a dense neighborhood of a large city. In 10 months, I ran into them twice and both times it lasted a fraction of a second (bikes). Oh wait, I also crossed path with WW once. I'll grant you that it's an unpleasant perspective and the recent 10 days when they were abroad was a relief. I just felt freer around town. But my point is that encounters may occur less frequently than you expect it.
Funny you say you're in charge of process improvements. In my last job, I created something called the "kaizen platform". I let you guess what it was about...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I live in a city but in some ways my neighborhood is very small town. I'm always on the lookout for STBX, I'd rather poke my eye out with a spoon than accidentally run into him. But I guess it will happen eventually
I hope this move makes it easier on you and the girls instead of harder, Raliced. Take care.
reunion it was. I put on a big smile and focused on my children, but inside I was a mess. thoughts going off in every direction. Driven to complete distraction. I am surprised I didn't put mustard on the watermelon instead of the hot dog. Like you said: exhausting.