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AJ makes some good points. She is playing the victim and you are falling for it. And if she is dating someone else is he moving in with you also? Just questions that I have


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Yikes Wet - that sounds like pain indeed!! You are D now - maybe W just needs to find herself a source of income?

I would place the focus on having a comfortable and affordable place to live yourself and making sure the kids are ok. If W can't afford the place she's in, she may need to find a new place - but none of that is your concern IMHO....

Just my 0.2pence...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Wet,

If you share a condo, will you be ok watching her head out the door with some other man? Are you ok with laying in bed listening to the sounds they make when she invites him in later to spend the night? If you say yes to this, then ask yourself why you are willing to be her doormat.

You should not consider sharing an apartment with you ex until she has admitted things did not work out like she thought. That she has lost her identity as a wife. That she is financially struggling to make it. That she is un happy. That she wants to work on the two of you. I would not move in till you have work on the two of you and are at a point in the relationship where it will continue to move forward and have no chance of slipping backwards.


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D final 1-2015
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Thanks everyone for your helping me to see the obvious problems with moving back in with W.

Here is a bit more background on why I am considering the possibility of moving in with W:

- S13 is making friends at his current school, and it would be nice to keep him at this school. I live in a different city;

- W likely will be unable to stay at her condo b/c she cannot afford it, which means s13 might have to move out of his school district;

- I was told yesterday (by d18) that D20 who lives with me now, is considering moving out and finding her own place;

- I doubt W will EVER admit she has done anything wrong. It's just her personality, and this is not a deal-breaker for me.

A couple of other things make think that moving in with W is something to pursue. I have a 1 year extension on my apartment but the landlord never sent over the lease for me to sign. And W started this by inviting me over to her place to recover after the surgery I had on July 1st. I would stay in the 3rd br, and W has her own br.

But I understand W is still a mess. She is depressed (when she mentioned she was going thru menopause, I asked her if she was ready for her next "season of life" and she looked at d18 and said "no, b/c the rest of my life has been so miserable.")

And most importantly, things have not changed on the most important reason why W left me - I still do not have a steady paycheck coming in.

I think that the chances of reconciliation are better if we are living in the same place. It also seems W's OM has moved on after his heart-attack. I checked by doing a search of the dating sites and it seems W is "only" on one dating site. Not even the free dating site is coming up. So perhaps now is the time to shake things up by seeing if she is willing to live separately in the same condo.

And Life Twists, I would have to have a boundary of neither of us bringing other people back to the condo. This would be a deal-breaker.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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Bad idea all around. She will bring her men around because she has no respect for boundaries that you set. You will work yourself up into is frenzy. Not good.

Maybe you could move so that your son could stay in his school district but if not, have him come live with you. "saving" your wife isn't your job. She chose this path and needs to feel the pain that goes with it. She can get a regular old job if she needs money. She has this idea that she was put one earth to be taken care of, but this isn't a fairy tale. So maybe the sugar daddy well is dry for her at the moment, but somehow there will be a new one and she won't be complaint so much to you.

There are much better solutions out there, go find one.

kat


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Thanks Kat, and everyone else's unanimous voice - I hear you, don't try and move in with W. I am still torn on this though, as my real motivation is my son. I don't want him to be forced to move again (if W moves, this will be 3 moves in a little more than 2 years.) But for today, and at least this week I will hold off and stay away from W.

I had a good weekend with s13. Though I made a poor choice in taking him to the movies today. I let him choose, and he ended up choosing an "R" movie that was much worse than I imagined.

I made him 'pinky swear' not to tell mom what we saw. He said that mom has taken him a much worse movie than this (I can't even imagine that is possible.) So I guess we are good.

S13 starts football training camp this upcoming week. It's going to be hot...


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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That's not a bad thing. You two have a secret between you. Helps the bonding, Wet. Not that you want to encourage him to keep secrets per se, but some are going to be ok and even helpful. It's something the two of you share. Besides, he was going to see that movie with or without you at some point wink Better to be with his dad and learn how to deal than to figure it out with his friends. Seriously. Just don't make that a habit, right?

As for the moving. I get what you're saying. I feel it. But honestly, he is affected by his mom's choices as is the whole family. Some things you can protect him from and others you cannot. What you can control is being there for him regardless of what life throws at him. And he can always come live with the stable parent - you. All of that can happen without you moving in with her.

Life is a funny thing, Wet. Your job is to teach him to be a functioning member of society. This is something that happens in our society. You can teach him how to deal with it by showing him. By being the stable parent. By being his dad.

He may not like all of it, but that's how life can be. He'll need to learn (from his dad) how to deal with life. smile

AJ


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Originally Posted By: AJM
...As for the moving. I get what you're saying. I feel it. But honestly, he (s13) is affected by his mom's choices as is the whole family. Some things you can protect him from and others you cannot. What you can control is being there for him regardless of what life throws at him. And he can always come live with the stable parent - you. All of that can happen without you moving in with her... AJ


Thanks AJ, yes, s13 staying at his same school appears to be one of those things that is out of my control. I'm just not sure why W wants me to take over her place, and why she just doesn't go look for a cheaper place herself.

So last night 'The Bachelorette' is on, and W starts texting me. It looks like this is "our thing" to text each other during the show. It was fun, again I staid away from judgmental comments about Kaitlyn (who slept with one of the guys early on), all well and good.

Then W texted that one of the cute 28 year old guys "we should set him up with d19 and have an arranged marriage." Now, W has admitted to me that she has dated younger guys than this, and this was a nice sign of progress - W understanding men this age are for our daughters, and not her.

I think as my W's 50th birthday is approaching, she is feeling her age. It has nothing to do with our relationship or marriage, it's just nice to see her see guys in their 20's as off limits. But my mission this week is still clear - stay away from W.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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And how is your recovery from surgery going? All is progressing well?

I like that you two have a "thing." Kind of interesting. Be careful not to get sucked in though, yeah? I think you've learned that by now smile Maybe that's kind what you're feeling with the housing situation? Dunno, just wondering.

You also realize by now that the dating of other people is/was a symptom of what's really going on under the surface, right? And that what she's doing is not about you - that sunk in deep by now, right? Doesn't make it easier, but it helps some.

It's an interesting observation, Wet. The age appropriateness thing. But as a data point it's really an outlier in the story so far. Keeping the distance might be the best course for a long while to come.

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hi AJ, thanks for your observations. I spent the weekend with s13, we went to the movie 'Pixels', which if you are a child of the '80's is terrific. S13 thought the movie was only "ok".

My recovery from the spinal fusion surgery is frustratingly slow. It has not helped in relieving the pain/neuropathy in both of my legs yet. But as with all things, patience.

AJ, I have been staying away from my W. However, we will need to work together to put together a response on taxes, as I received a letter from the state tax people asking for more information before they pay "my" refund (which is going to W).

"Bachelorette" finale and NFL football training camps opening this week, good reasons to be excited.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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