seperated 4 months, its now 9 months, oh and om

[help67]

I spoke with my w today, told her how hurt I was about om, that I doing the work for me and d regardless of outcome for us.
She said she told me about om so I wouldnt find out elsewhere, and so I dont wait for her. She said she felt like these last 3 months I have been waiting for her, trying to charm her, and maybe not doing what I need for myself and she was right, I didnt tell her she was right. She is intuitive, smart, and knows me.
Good things she told me was that she sees more clarity in me and that I seem sober, not abstinent. She also said that we are on square one, so maybe we develop something and get to further squares down the line.
I need to work hard on myself, gal, stop trying to charm her and behave like I would being on square one. I will build the friendship, but maintain some distance, and be mysterious. I will become someone only a fool would leave.

[help67]

Its hard to figure out, but I think my w is a WAS because of how unhappy she was, and I made every mistake in the pursuing book for 9 months. Maybe her dating this guy is a way for her to send me a message, maybe she is just having fun, who knows. I do think, however, our m is over and I need to let that go. I will not give up on us, I want us to start over. I will put the focus on me now.

[help67]

Hi V,
so I read some other threads regarding building friendship with ww. My sitch seems different in that my w left because she wasn't happy, planned on d all along. She is now dating because it is over for us. So if I went nc, it wouldn't draw her back. I think the only way for us to be together is if its as if we never knew each other, and start over. I gal, work on myself, date and don't pursue my w in any way including worrying weather we are building a friendship. Just be friendly to her.
I have a lot of work to do on myself and that is going to have to be my focus anyway if I am going to have any life.

[help67]

I rambled a lot today, focused on w and om. There is no going back for me, so it's time to heal myself and become whole. This is something women are better at I gather. So many layers to strip away, so much to forgive myself for. So much to unlearn.
These nine months feel like a dream still. Maybe it was, I don't know what is real at this point. I don't know where to begin, maybe I have, I need to be kinder to myself, I am not so bad.

[Vanilla]

Help

Some important realisations in your last two posts. I have always commented on your bravery and ability to take responsibility for yourself and who you are and what you are going to become. Ramble on, this is the place to do it.

Sobriety isn't easy, it's a hard path and a lifelong one. Management is key.

You seem to be saying that your W is a WAW and wasn't wayward. She is dating after you parted. That means she perceives her new R as a bf not an OM. This is similar to LRT. It is probably helpful if you refer to your W as a WAW. Frankly WAW sitches are much more hopeful than any others. Waywardness is a very difficult stance for the LBS. you have made some very smart insights about your WAW and friendliness (not friendship) is the way to go. We want Help back in the va ca boom box not the friend box. Expect this to take time, your sitch went south slowly and you will recover slowly.

Your WAW is saying you are in position 1, that is what RD refers to as a star. There is much to do in becoming whole and healing. Actually male LBS are very good at this and there are many remarkable posters. You might like to look at Joes thread or Pigpen, both have healed remarkably.

So to begin, I am sure other posters will contribute.

Can you outline your goals for this healing?

Can we convert 'I am not so bad' into ten positive statements about Help?

Let me start:

I have been sober for...........
I have plans to heal........
I have accepted responsibility for........
I am loving/caring/ generous etc etc


How can you be kinder to yourself?

I think that should kick start some thinking, if you feel there are better questions or your IC can give you more guidance then this gives you some thinking space. I am so pleased to see you begin your journey to grow you.

Peace

V

[help67]

Thanks v,

First, what does it exactly mean do be in position 1, being a star.

I am going to work on what goals i want to achieve. Generaly, I know I want to stay sober, I want to be a better father, friend. I want to make meditation a daily part of my life. I will have to sit down this week and really get a clear,concise outline. I think I will discuss it in IC this week.

10 statements:

I have been sober for 9+ months
I have plans to heal using IC, meditation, reading self help books, applying what I learn to my daily life
I have accepted responsibility for the pain I have caused myself, and my famiily
I am caring, considerate, funny, kind
I am becoming a better father to my daughter, and will continue
I am loving, and I deserve to be loved
I have been able to make it through the roughest 9 months of my life
I am eager to learn
I am capable of achieving what I set out to achieve
I am learning how to forgive

[Vanilla]

RD always says a star is something in the dark sky that starts to shine, it is a small far away glimmer of hope.

Your WAW has acknowledged hope for you with a tiny star, she has noticed change. Each time a positive there is a new star, we hope to light up the dark night sky with stars.

I really like the positive statements if you can print them and meditate on each one, you have 10 days before you need to repeat one. This seems delicious to me.

Do post about the IC, I will be fascinated to hear how that goes.


What a lovely thing for you to do to meditate on change.

Can we be a little more specific on your goals, daily meditation is clear, for 10 mins each day? Sobriety is one day at a time so we only need a goal for today.

With the other goals when do you achieve the goal,? What will it look like, sound like and feel like when you have achieved the goal?

Peace

V

[Vanilla]

Here is the link to the goal thread I found most useful. There are two other threads both are linked in the thread below. Setting my goals was one of my first actions and I still keep my goals. One recent one to buy my own office for my business seemed like a dream but here I am with my office!

Goal thread

V

[help67]

Hi v,

Hope your day was better today.

I read a lot about abuse, and have finally realized I was none to nice a lot of the time to my waw, it took me a while to fully understand. I have apologized to her, but not nearly good enough or the right way. I have come to terms with what I did, realize I am solely responsible, and am going to do everything I can to change, and make amends to my w. My question to you then is now a good time to really apologize the right way.
I have done a lot of good things these 9 months, but realize a lot of what I did was to try to get my w to take notice, and so I am learning. I want to do the right thing regardless of what happens to us.

[Vanilla]

Help By becoming the best you that you can be you are atoning and apologising. most WAS really want this for their spouse, who they see as in crisis.

Actions speak louder than words in the case of sobriety. 9 months is an amazing achievement please see that your sobriety is the biggest gift you can give her.

I made a suggestion to Pigpen if there is an AA (or other support) open meeting and you are collecting a pin, you can give a brief therapy about your thoughts. Apologise publicly to all you harmed and that you are working your path. Nothing unusual there for a therapy. Ask WAW to see you collect the pin. As much to know that Sobriety is a major factor in your life and you are really serious about staying that way. This worked for a GA (gamblers anon) member I know who wanted to attract back his WAW. He also wrapped his pin as a birthday present for his WAW (ahhhhhhh) with a card which said "this is how I feel about you, a gift of my most precious possession" (aaaaaaaaah).

He meant it too, that was 17 years ago, they are still together. No expectations though.

Thank you for your thoughtful and caring support on my thread, I value this so much.

V