seperated 4 months, its now 9 months, oh and om

[help67]

Sandi, if your there, what do you think about what my coach says, should I try to keep and build on this friendship. Its good for my d, and when my ww wakes up, we will have that to build on or does it hurt my chances.

First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536588#Post2536588

[help67]

As I read a lot of peoples stories, there seems to be a lot of angry things said to the lbs. My ww has not said a lot of angry things to me, I have not done that to her either. What could be a reason for that, is she so past the anger that we are done. If so why isnt seperation agreement even done yet, I dont know for sure, but I do believe she is confused about us. Very soon I will stop worrying about her, after we talk I will let it all go, and trust like I have never done before that all will be ok with me.

[Vanilla]

Help

I think Sandi and your coach may be stating the same things. It is the approach that's different and the words. But the intention is the same.

That is to build you and get you to concentrate on you.

Your coach is very practical and has the benefit of your tone and aspect as well. It's wisdom for you.

Whatever WW does is her actions and thoughts, please don't mind read it won't help. She could be doing what she is doing for many many reasons. Concentrate on healing you, if Coach says a recommended action then I would follow that.
V

[t33]

Same deal for me. W and I rarely fight/fought. Biggest blow up we had was when I caught W and OM together. Other than that, always civil but sometimes withdrawn. For her, she says the love just went away. Of course I don't believe that. We just didn't work on the relationship and then when the OM came into the picture and she became WW she's rewritten history and can't see past where she is at. I feel my W is confused as well - I suppose that's a good thing. Our W's need to figure it out. We need to DB to put them into a place where their confusion becomes clarity. Easier said than done.

[help67]

I get the concentrate on me part, and ww could be doing things for many reasons, so I know I cant figure out why.

But what to do as far as interacting with ww is where they differed, and I think when I figure out how to do so I will move more towards me. Sandi thought I should pull back, and only be coparents with ww. My coach thought I should continue building on the friendship we have built in the last 3 months.

My ww believes I will shut down now, and will think that I am going back to my bad behavior, so building on the friendship will be a 180. However, sandi thought she needs to feel like she lost me which wont happen if we are friends.

I want to do whichever helps my chances at being together again, and if I feel I am doing so, it will make it easier for me to detach, and work only on me, and whatver happens, happens.

[t33]

I have the exact same struggle. DB Coach suggests being a friend while lovingly detaching. At times it feels like it's working, and then there is a rebound of her pulling farther away. I also am starting to feel like she's abusing me for money while stringing me along, because, why not - she can. I don't want a best friend. I want a wife who is my best friend.

There is no loss for my W at the moment, and it doesn't seem like there will be real progress until there is. It is hard to find that balance. I wish you luck in finding the balance that works.

[Vanilla]

When we DB we do this for ourselves not to 'charm' our partners. In essence DB is about doing what works for us.

We let go of the consequences of what we do, because what we do is for our own comfort and development. Otherwise the effect is temporary and in the medium term can never be maintained so it reverses and we end up in a worse position than when we started.

So whatever you do, warmth, openess or NC this is for you, if you examine Joe and Pigpen sitch both have grown so much that the opportunities for a new style M is much improved.

Engaging in any tactic because it may work in the short term but longer term this won't improve you. In my view this is for you to improve you. The improvements on yourself are designed to help you.

The two strategies are designed for the same result, improvement in you. If you follow coach strategy first and it is not effective then that does not preclude you from NC Ada 180. But I would not think you can do them effectively NC then contact ie coach strategy last. If you do you do this for you with no expectations. Again I believe both have the same core working on yourself.

T your sitch is rather different and the suggestion is the same do what you do for you.

Peace and work on you. Help, I will keep in touch with you.

V

[shotgun]

Hang in there help67. There is a lot written here and in DB and DR about time being your friend. It is also easier to look at someone else situation with clarity than it is your own so maybe try to read some other threads. Vanilla gives great advice and by reading your topic I find help for my own situation and can see things you are doing that I need to do differently also. Stay focused on d12 and become the world's greatest father!

[help67]

Thanks V,

I don't know what I am doing anymore. I prayed last night for the pain to end, even if it meant not waking up. I had two dreams, and I gather from them that I dont want to give up, on myself or my m.
I had a good conversation with my d last night about us communicating and she said I was the best.
What is next for me now, staying friends with ww or nc, I dont know. I have done things for the wrong reasons this whole time, my w probably feels some of that. I dont want to live in fear anymore. I want to live, I know that, but this is my darkest hour.
There was something real about being friends with my w these last few months, it wasnt all about doing it to win her back. I dont know if it was real for her, and now that I know about the om, I am more confused and the pain is unbearable.

[help67]

Thanks,

I have read numerous threads, and can see those more clearly than my own. I used to be able to think logically, but for 9 months its been nothing but emotions, emotions that have been buried for a long time. I finally understand the pain I caused my w.
I have come to understand now how much stronger women are than men, they are the true warriors. Its 9 months, I am sober, and I am still here so maybe I am not as weak as I feel.