A year on and tootling along

[Sotto]

Link to old thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2585847&#Post2585847

Thanks for travelling with me on my journey friends. It's a year since BD for me this week. I'll post and review things later this week...

[gan]

Welcome to your new thread, Toots! I wonder what is around the corner for you?

[Sotto]

Thanks Gan, some good things I hope! Just been away working for 3 days. Back home now & feeling tired and a bit blah tonight. Maybe just because tomorrow is the anniversary of BD, IDK. I think sometimes you just get a bit tired. Tired of loving someone who wants to shed you like an old skin.

I know there are many good things in my life, and I am truly blessed in so many ways. I just find there's a nagging sense of failure with our M. In a way, NC sitches like mine are easier. But they can feel hard in different ways. Like you just have so little to work with. And how your M went from full and loving to nothing.

Lately I have thought about OW a few times too, and I still feel pretty raw about her too. Even though H may be on to OW2+ at this point. Then I think, even if things turned and he wanted to R - how would that work?

I know I've come a long way & I'm just tired tonight. In need of some encouraging words.

Sorry for whining..

[Joe46]

I just find there's a nagging sense of failure with our M. In a way, NC sitches like mine are easier. But they can feel hard in different ways. Like you just have so little to work with. And how your M went from full and loving to nothing.

I am in agreement Toots!! I have those exact same feelings!

[jim0987]

Hi Marvellous Toots

I think I know pretty much all of those feelings really well and i don't have a no contact situation (all though more than once this week i have had people surprised by how little my XW and I communicate). Nagging emptiness is the best description I can give.

But, and its a good one, You've come a really long way and you have so much good going on, and yes I'm paraphrasing you but then you're easy to agree with. which brings me onto my next point, your clearly a good and decent person; so much so you have your own fan club with T-Shirts (red ones) and everything

my money is on it being a combination of your antiversary and the delightful homework you ended up needing to do that are big contributory factors in a current feeling of 'meh!'.

Like so often is the case, just sit with it for a bit and see how you feel tomorrow. In my case i opted for sitting with a tub of salted caramel ice cream as well, but as i skipped dinner it seems perfectly justifiable after all, i have to eat!!.

Anyway take care of yourself Toots as you need to get your energy back for your next GAL which i assume is either Jousting or Lion Taming.

[Vanilla]

Jim

It's making the rest of the Moooooooose

V

[Bob723]

Hi Toots!

I just wanted to stop by and offer some words of encouragement. You are always there for me and others. What would we do without you? You are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

Please keep a PMA, don’t give up and keep moving forward. We have your back. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Your friend,

Bob xoxo

[Sotto]

Ah, thanks so much for stopping by Joe, V, Jim and Bob...you are great virtual buddies! I had a good sleep and woke up feeling brighter - even though today is antiversary. I decided today would be a good day to send 'grounds' to H, so I picked some from a bigger list I drafted. They include:

Refusing to move to London, which meant he had to communte
Bringing work home to the detriment of QT with the family
Failing to understand and support him when he was miserable
Involving him in 'my' projects when he might be busy with his own things
Being focused on 'jobs and schedules' which impacted on fun time with the family
Becoming more distant and involved in hobbies and interests of my own

We'll see what he thinks of those anyway and I'm glad to have sent them. It seems fitting to have sent them today on our antiversary. As for me, I'm going to try and have as nice a day as possible and be gentle with myself. Treat mysef to something nice and look forward to a better 12 months than this last one. Although in many ways it truly hasn't been so bad....

Jim, thanks so much for your email, which was so kind. Hmm - lion taming - I didn't see that on the list of social events, but we do have a party on a canal boat coming up...and I think there is a ghost tour on the horizon too...

Bob, thanks for your encouragement too - it's much appreciated.

Take care all xx

[Sotto]

Received a quick reply from H.

He thanked me and said that was very kind. It reminded him of an email he sent to me very early on in our R listing his bad points. He said he wished he could read that again.

He said in reality I am a wonderful person to live with. There are difficult people around and I'm definitely not one of them.

He asked if I have the marriage certificate? He needs to find it and can't recall if it's at our MH.

It was a nice email, using his 'name' for me. But emails like this just leave me a little sad. Why would you D someone you think is wonderful to live with. Maybe he just isnt being honest with himself or myself?

[dejavu2]

Toots - you probably are wonderful to live with; however he knows he isn't wonderful to live with right now - as he may not even like himself. He isn't in a place to appreciate you or contribute to your relationship. The NC has pros/cons... It does mean we nothing to work on other than ourselves. I often wonder if it isn't a gift.

Stay strong with a PMA!

[Sotto]

Thanks Deja Vu. I guess I know the answer to my question. I believe he does still think I'm great - it's just that he now knows what he needs in his life and that is a new family. He wants to go back and do that again properly as he and his XW split up when his S was two.

I guess time will tell whether that works out for him. I still think he is looking outward rather than inward for happiness.

[jim0987]

Hi Toots,

Quick question and I'm sorry if you've covered this before but what happened between your H and his XW?

What is his relationship like with his S14 these days?

But yes he is still looking outwards and the best he will find there is a distraction.

[Sotto]

It was very different to our sitch Jim. They married in their early 20s and were happy at first. But then pressures came. His XW liked renovating houses and they always lived in a building site. She is pretty fiery and H described her as combative and critical in the M. They struggled to conceive and that was another pressure. By the time SS was born, they were pretty unhappy and split up when he was just two.

He and I met a year after they S. He was still M, though had bought his own house by that point. He thought she was unfaithful right at the end of the M - an exit affair. She wanted little to do with SS at that time and H looked after him pretty much full time outside of work. He was always proud to have been faithful in his M.

Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't get involved with a man who was at that stage in his S - but I didn't know that then. HXW and I get along well as you know....

[rd500]

hi toots. I'm late to the party but your H is a seriously mixed up man He wants what he THINKS he needs in his life and realistically he most know the chances are slim at best.

All that's happening now is keeping his fairy tale dream alive , in his head this is for the best and he is moving towards his so called dream life

He is going to spend a long time regretting his choices but as we all know it's his choice

Toots you have progressed so much from the first day I posted on your thread and you have always impressed with your kindness and intelligence on others threads

I have no doubt you will be a very happy lady again I actually envy the guy you select if your H does not come out of MLC in time. , how you handle yourself at this time is amazing Your strength at time of BD was a lesson to us all and your overall composure during this very tough time is truly inspiring

Toots is going to be ( even ) great ( er ) You will be very very happy and be able to look back and say you stood tall for your M

I still hope your H wakes up and smells the roses but that's his choice

Take care lovely Toots. Rd. xxxx

[HaWho]

Hi Toots-

Thanks for posting uplifting words to me last week. Your advice was so appreciated.

I wish you a good day! I am sending good karma your way...

[Sotto]

RD, thanks so much for your kind words, which mean a lot. And HaWho, thanks for your good wishes too. I've been at the bookstore this morning and going to do a few jobs around the flat before I head off to my parents later on. Feeling pretty good in myself, even though H is on the brink of filing for D. I thought in his email there were small signs of progress - mentioning a famous email he sent to me early on in our R, saying I was wonderful to live with, and implying others 'out there' are 'difficult.' He may mean OW/XOW? But that would be mindreading. And he is searching for our M certificate to file for D, so I won't get ahead of myself here.

Well, here I am a year on. Today last year I left our MH and fled to my parents having learned of his PA. I have only seen him once since then, and we've spoken very little as I hardly initiate. Our MH is on the market and we've agreed a ballpark financial settlement. So all is heading towards D, and I'm okay with that. I know it may happen and as long as I did all I could to try and repair things, I am at peace with myself. It isn't the outcome I wanted, but I can live with it and move forwards from it. I have no idea if H is still involved with OW. Last I heard he was dating.

His big thing is that he wants a new family now. I think he now sees this as the reason he couldn't feel happy in our M towards the end. How this will work out IDK. Jim Conway wrote about a guy who had a new family later in life and was really happy. I don't really agree with Jim Conway's take on this - as that happiness came only after blowing his own M and family up. Should we be pleased for him? I may just be sensititve about this...

As for me, well you know I'm up to a fair amount of stuff. Some new hobbies and new friends, new job and flat - a pretty full and happy life. I have DB'd pretty solidly and no slips with H or those around him. I think they will all see me moving on with my own life now. Whether H will feel the loss of 'me' some more as time goes on, IDK. In recent months, he has said he loves me, I am beautiful and the best to be M to, wonderful to live with. But we are still headed towards D just now.

Anyway, thanks to you all so much for your ongoing support. Many people on this forum have helped me a great deal this past year and for that I am truly thankful.

Toots - a 'yearling' now...x

[Vanilla]

It is a case of be careful for that which you wish, you may get it. Sadly H won't know until he gets there, then his bed is made for him to lie in.

It is probably judgement here, but I can't see Toots wanting to R with WH if he goes on to have a new family. Would that be done for Toots?

Can Toots let WH go if she knows he wants a new family and is taking action to achieve that?

You don't have to answer if you feel my questions inappropriate.

V

[Sotto]

Thanks V. Yes, I truly believe I would be done if he went on to have a new family. As for letting him go because I know he wants a new family, I'm less sure and happy to let that one play out for now. Because I feel he is still seeking that 'something' to fill the void and think he is still focusing on 'externals' just now. That may change or it may not and I guess time will tell.

Not trying to hold on to him or the M, but DBing and building my own life - not closing the door completely just now either. But I don't want to be someone who 'hangs on' ages after it would have been healthy to close the door either, you know?

I have a busy weekend ahead. I'm off to have a reading with a medium this afternoon. A friend and I went to see her at an evening event a few weeks ago and I liked her. Never done this before....wish me luck!!

Tonight I'm taking my Dad to the opera. We have a little picnic with wine in the park beforehand and then go to the theatre. It's something we've done for a few years now. Tomorrow I'm off to a talk by a funny female poet with a friend - all in all a cultural weekend for me.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. xx

[Vanilla]

Strangely enough, I am off to the Opera!

Opera GAL

V

[jim0987]

Hi Toots.

For once I don't have much to add but your sounding remarkably good.

Hope you enjoy your weekend of culture

[Sotto]

V - I hope you enjoyed the opera. I thought of you last night. And Jim, thanks for stopping by. I do feel pretty good thanks. Not sure about remarkably good - but pretty good. I started to feel a bit over tired today, so I went to the poets talk with my friend and I'm now relaxing in front of the Wimbledon men's final - feet up, painted my nails. Good to relax. I'll make it to aqua aerobics later & then I'm working from home tomorrow.

Had an interesting visit to the medium. Less visitation from those passed, and more a talk about my life just now, some insight and things that may help. I enjoyed it and made myself a recording to play back. One of the big things we talked about is releasing anger and pain. I keep revisiting this area as I do worry I internalise things. I ask myself where is the balance between optimism and moving forward and working through and releasing some more difficult feelings. If anyone has any useful insight here, I'd welcome hearing from you.

Interestingly, the medium said she feels I'm probably in a much better place than H just now. She said that she doesn't always sense energy from partners, but she did from H. She had a sense of him being confused and frustrated. Searching and feeling that things are not turning out as he hoped. She also said she sees a new person in my life in around 18 months time. Not a great love, but a new companion. We'll see.

Nothing from H this weekend, since his nice email last week. I have now given him some potential reasons to file against me. I have given my financials to my L. There isn't anything else for me to just now. I'll sit back and see what unfolds on the marital front, moving foward with the rest of my life as usual. I do feel H has warmed up in recent months and he sounds as though he is feeling my loss more. Nonetheless, he is also moving towards filing and seems resolute in his wish to have a new family.

Time will tell - but I'm doing okay xx

[Sotto]

Working from home today and just taking a little break. I'll be in the office again tomorrow. Popped out to get some lunch and was mooching in the window of our volunteer bureau. Saw a little sign seeking someone to teach English to Monks from Thailand in a local monastery.....decided to register interest!!

For anyone in the UK seeking to volunteer as GAL, there are tons of opportunities on the do it website...

[jim0987]

Hi Toots.

He'll realise one day I'm sure, even if, incredibly unlikelely, he gets his new family. He knows now just the pull of the fantasy is to strong at the moment.

I think I've said before I left my GF of 9 years and even nearly 7 years later with everything else that happened since I always knew what I'd lost when I left and always felt tremendous remorse for the hurt I caused her.

On the anger front, have you tried to get angry? Like got a punch bag and made yourself think angry? I think that if you force yourself to try and release it you'll know if you're suppressing it but bare in mind I have zero expertise on this and when I connected with my anger I broke my foot

Good idea on the volunteering

Have a good evening!

[Clairee]

Hiya Toots! I've been thinking about you the last few days. You have been an inspiration for me. And your words of advice rattle around my head with every interaction I have with H. What an interesting volunteer opportunity! Sounds like it could be a real adventure.

This may sound strange but I throw water balloons to release my anger. I fill up a bunch of water balloons, write words that reflect my anger on the balloons & then throw them as hard as I can at the fence in my backyard. By the time I'm done & have picked up all the pieces, I've let go of whatever had me spun up that day.

Take care!!

[Vanilla]

I loved my opera GAL, weather was wonderful. Gala opera, 'operas greatest hits' in the orchard of a wonderful house.

Warm, with a great picnic and glass of Prosseco and cheese.

I trust you enjoyed your opera GAL.

V

[Sotto]

Thanks for dropping by Tweets and V. Tweets, thanks so much! To have inspired someone else even a little is brilliant, and a nice silver lining in an otherwise yukky situation. V, your opera GAL sounded lovely. It rained here, so you were lucky I think!

I've been reading How to survive your H's midlife crisis......linked to another forum, which I don't post on. I did have a couple of peeks at it, but people seemed to do more spouse bashing on there, and didn't get called out on it like here. So, I didn't feel it was for me. The book is a worthwhile read I think. I've only read Conway on MLC, so it's good to read something by women who have experienced it. Interestingly, the H wanting a new family has cropped up as a symptom in there...

I'm doing okay. Had a busy day working away yesterday. I'm looking more at anger and releasing emotion. I did some primal screaming in the car yesterday which felt pretty good. I did feel a sense of release. I think for me, feelings do build and I just end up feeling keyed up without any particular cause, and it's releasing that I need to do.

Got the gas man coming this morning, then I'll pop and see the parents and yoga tonight. Hope you are all doing well. xx

[Sotto]

Just tried to create a named link back to my thread....couldn't get it to work....will need to experiment with that one!

[Cadet]

Just tried to create a named link back to my thread....couldn't get it to work....will need to experiment with that one!

Tout est bien

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[url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2585847&#Post2585847]Tout est bien[/url

You can also use quote button to SEE it.

[rd500]

Hi Toots Your sound mostly upbeat. I did smile when reading about the primal
Screaming !!! I visualised you in traffic !!! With a terrified 2 year old peering in amazement at you from an adjacent car !!!!!

MLC or bat sh1t crazy , either one could be your H. My L/C has talks of x years of marriage and then one spouce makes a terrible mistake or goes through an MLC and the other spouce has to be there for the MLCer. My L/C tells me that sometimes the MLCer can back themselves into a mental corner where their only path is to continue down the self destruct route

Your H appears to be this type to me Toots He openly admits your grest , your the one for him but then tells you he's looking for some fantasy life like hes mids twenty or early thirties and starting a family !!!!!

For me he's deep in the fog looking for a magic bullet type cure He has a long road ahead and not.a pleasant one Toots has a broken heart but it will heal with enough time 18 months for a new love Something to look forward to and who knows maybe H will be emerging from his fog about that time. I hoe for his sake he is

Have a good day. Take care. Rd. xx

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

I see you are doing very well. The truth is that as much as we prepare ourselves, to endure the death of a M is something out of this world. It's a horrible pain that at times feels it won't go away ever.

I figured it will be just time that will allow the healing. So, Toots is doing all what is humanly possible to get herself in a better place.

Your H is really going nuts, but that is only the outsiders like you, maybe his friends and us seeing this. I believe that in his mind there is no place for questioning at this point. He made a decision and really thinks that he is doing the right move.

We are all not very sure about him accomplishing his next goal of building a family at this point on in his life. It's almost like he fails and give himself excuses to rebuild.

It's quite amazing how things work on the brain once your chemicals are not well balanced. The perception of life in general changes and so is the dynamic of finding comfort for the deep sorrow that emerges once you get depressed.

Your H has failed W1, his child, and now W2. There is no guarantees that his next R will work and much less building a family. But he needs to dream, set goals and perspectives because he wants to do something right, and at this point in his life he is able to blame others for his own failures and deceptions.

In the midst of his regrets and guilt, he looks for a new horizon and once in a while reality sets him back looking at what he is throwing away. This causes him more pain, because he needs to look at himself and that's the one thing he really does not want to do right now.

He surrounds himself with new, and avoid the confrontation with his own demons. There is just so much you can do to avoid your gaps, fears, insecurities, failures. Eventually it will all wear off and he will find himself in self pity. Then some reality will start hitting him hard and that's when we say that the fog will be lifted.

When it will happen vary from person to person, but it will happen and he will just count his regrets. At that time, Toots will be there or not, waiting for him or even available to listen. No one knows, and that will be the time he will do the grieving you are doing now.

Toots, regarding your anger, it is hard for people that bottle up. It's the way you learned to deal with anger probably since very little. There are techniques used to easy the effects of anger and you can try some of them to see what work best for yourself.

I feel that understanding what our S are going through and even recognizing their self destruction and loneliness is the first step to ease the anger. Accepting that you are better off alone right now and not in a empty R is another way of seeing things.

Sometimes a good cry can do the trick. Although DB is a way to save your marriage, it also have a pressure pan effect. The LBS needs to endure a lot in order to do what it takes to try to get the job done.

I think that the point is to look at yourself and have a self pity party, let go of the super woman, take the make up off, cry out loud, drink another glass of wine, cut one of his picture in a million pieces, say you hate him for all what he is doing.

I would say you can have a "Chick Fit" alone or with a friend beside you, but let go... think about spring cleaning and let it all out. You will feel better and will feel that way for awhile again, until the pan is full of pressure again and need to be realized so it does not explode and make a huge mess.

This is just my 0.2 cents. And I understand realizing anger is different for everyone, you just need to find the way works better for yourself.

Toots you are a gorgeous person and is growing into a even better one. Be proud of yourself and allow time to heal all the wounds. It is a hard time just right now, but it won't last forever, after a big storm, there is a rainbow and the son will shine again.

Toots will be happy again...you can do it!!!

Lots of hugs and kisses for you sister!
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks Cadet, and RD thanks for dropping by and your encouraging message. Pink, lovely to hear from you. I caught your post just as I was heading into yoga class and I was very moved. Yes, I think you are very perceptive about what is happening with H - it's a big ole mess that's for sure. On the plus side, I think my life is pretty balanced and harmonious just now...nice to see some other sitches turning on the forum too...will mine ever be one? IDK - As you say, no place for questioning with H just now.

I've decided that my goal for July and August is to focus on releasing some stuff. In my yoga meditation, I lay calmly and started to think about the things I want to start releasing. Thinking about some of the things H has done, which hurt so much. There's quite a list!! Another day, I want to write them all down and then burn the paper - see how that feels. I'm trying to practice accepting the difficult things that have happened, feeling compassion for H and releasing some of the trauma and bad feeling.

At some point I want to have a look at the suitcase under the spare bed. Into this, I stuffed anything I was unsure about keeping - presents from H, wedding album, photos - ouch, no. I'll just stick to the above para for now - no rush to deal with all of that stuff. I'll be ready at some point - just now quite yet.

Take care, my lovely DB friends xx
(ps: Pink, if you come to Ireland, can I come over and say Hi??)

[rd500]

Hi Toots. Just a quick post. I sent Pink a message this am but I see it didn't post in it I said if she made it over I would have to make sure yourself , Vanillia and Jim were here too !!!! At least for the first week Pinks here !!!!!


Letting go of the hurt is what it is all about , once that's possible all else' becomes clear. That's the post from guru Rd for tonight Go in peace Young Toots and seek that release !!!!

Take care. Rd. xx

[Vanilla]

I love a good party Toots, so let's go to Ireland for crac GAL.

Wouldn't that be lovely.

Your WH may be emerging from his fog a little, then goes back in the tunnel.

Is that called replay?

V

[Sotto]

Hi RD and Vanilla....I'm all in for a visit when the time comes & thanks for the invite!!

Busy day at work today - all going well. Have been feeling more at peace within myself through consciously releasing some more emotion. I think it's good for me to do it little by little, not just wait for a big crying or anger session once in a while.

Had a chat with a colleague about my sitch today. We had some time alone and she asked how things are going. After I updated her, she said she was glad for where things were at, because she'd worried I might give him another chance. I told her I hadn't completely closed the door and she looked horrified. She said - he would just do it again. I told her if he had done it before, or did do it again I would close the door for sure.

It left me feeling out of sorts. I can understand the perspective and I'd probably feel and say the same in her shoes. And a reconciliation isn't looking likely anyway. But it's hard to know that there would be people on my side unhappy with my decision if we did decide to try again.

Actually, this colleague did have a huge crush on someone at work years ago, and would I'm sure have had an A had he been interested. Lucky for her he wasn't, but she was besotted with him for a while and as far as I know her H never knew. There's a double standard at play when it comes to infidelity for sure. People are quick to censure but forget that they may have found themselves in a similar place - there but for the grace.....as the saying goes...

But I guess why worry about any of that - it's a bridge I don't need to cross just now and may never. It got me thinking that our current track of him filing for D may well be the easiest for me as I have no decision to make about the M. I think if I did have that decision to make, it would be more difficult for me.

Hope everyone is doing well today xx

[CaliGuy]

Toots

Yeah ... its one of those things where 'you are not in my shoes' but as you said, when/if it is an issue then you just address it then. In my case only 1 person knows everything, well .. 1 person I know in real life that is.... lol you all ovbiously know or had the means to find out if you had a free week or two to sift through all my threads. I did not shield W on purpose, but some things I felt we not 'my' secrets to share ... while others people who were close would find out enough to know we separated and I left it at that ... only 3 people know there was a OM ... the rest of my outer circle just know we parted. I am glad for this ... but also I am not one to spill all with people who have know way of understanding nor did I want sides to be taken.

I was at the pool with S over the weekend, there were a group of adults 2 guys, 3 girls and they were loudly in a debate over "Harry and Sally" and the pending D ... was interesting how not one person was on the fence, either they took Harry's side, or Sally's and used the sitch to defend their view. I smiled and thought ... Sally should DB, Harry is a WAS ... but I just listened to the exchange thinking ... wow, all their 'stuff' is out there for the world to hear ... even me and I have never met either of them but felt I understood far more than this 'close circle' of friends they are too about to split up as it was obvious who was getting custody with who.

[Sotto]

Yes, I agree about the 'in my shoes' comment. It's a good lesson to learn. Today I wrote some things on a big piece of paper. They are things that are painful and for which I hold on to some anger and pain. I'm going to burn the paper and hope that may start to release some of them. But here they are.

He decided to start dating women without ever saying he was unhappy with our M
He betrayed me and our marriage vows physically and emotionally
He lied to me for may months - sometimes being cross about my questions
He minimised my concerns, saying 'we've come a long time since then (the EA)'

He never told me face to face about the A, or that he wanted us to S
I learned about the A and his visit to OW by text and email
He bought condoms and hid them in our flat
He let me sleep there - feeling safe - in the bed where he and OW had sex

He failed to tell his parents about the A - 'assumed they knew' and they were cold with me
He only offered me rent money for 6 months, saying I had to be self-sufficient after that
I learned our R/M was over from 1) the intranet 2) a mutual friend
He returned a photo of us - given to him as a present - with my stuff from the flat
He took down all photos of me from our house

He offered me a minimal settlement, suggesting we didn't involve lawyers
He just walked away from our M, unwilling to work on things
He covertly booked his trip to OW and spent 4/5 days with me before he went
He'll file for D on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour rather than waiting a year

He used to ring me for a chat when he was about to have sex with OW
Once he rang me when she was in the room with him
His poor choices led to me losing my home, job, role as a step parent, pets....yet he's never seemed truly remorseful about that.

That he sees himself as a 'genuine guy who messed up - but now truly knows what he wants (a new family.)

I'm not sure this process is helping with forgiveness - I feel pretty angry - but I'm going to burn the paper and try and do it with some compassion and release....

[beatrice]

Toots - you have to feel anger to get through it - it a real emotion. You are right an reasonable to be angry. When you are ready it will leave you. We are told to 'fight' emotions. Sometimes embracing them, experiencing them fully is the way out.

You will get posts telling you not to stay angry etc etc. Why would you? Get it out there, and deal with it.

[jim0987]

((((Toots))))

Sometimes a hug just helps (learnt that in the last year or so)

Personally I think getting angry is a really good idea. In part because you were worried about suppressing it and in part because I don't think we can properly forgive until we understand how much we've been hurt.

And let's be honest, just based on the list your H had done a pretty good job of hurting you. Hell, I could get angry at him just for being such a 'best in show' numpty if it weren't for the fact I feel really sorry for him.

So get angry for a while and then let it go so you can carrying on being marvellous without the extra baggage.

Hope otherwise you're OK though.

[LoisB]

Toots,

The crazy thing I've learned about anger, for me... I will go through these waves of intense anger and then experience these moments of profound forgiveness.

I've been at this for 3.5 years now. And, I'm beginning to see the patterns of grief. The anger has been the hardest for me because I have a hard time allowing myself to get really angry. When I do, though, it's like years and years of anger pour out--not just with my marriage.

However, if I see it through, I'm always given this peace and calm afterwards where I feel this incredible detachment about the people who have hurt me.

Like clockwork. See the anger through to completion. It's a vital part of the process. I think, in my opinion, it's a way for us to reclaim our value.

We go from feeling like worthless human beings who were left to die by the person we loved the most in the world.

When we feel the anger, we are able to say, "HEY! I didn't deserve that!"

It's like that moment of reality where you see you are a person of value and you deserve to be treated well no matter what your imperfections.

If you don't feel it, in my case, I always turn it inwards.

Be free :-)

[LoisB]

It feels like a good cry.

[Pink17]

Hi Gorgeous,

This is a long and painful list and it's hard to read it and not feel sad alongside with you.

I like the way you recognize and is using a technique to solve your issues with anger and pain. Of course it won't solve the problem over night, but taking one day at a time, will allow you to feel better and better.

You are a decent and lovely person Toots. All your H did and is doing is just going in circles thinking that life will be better somewhere else. The only thing he will figure is that he will still have himself whatever he goes. And he can't hide from himself.

I wish you can find some comfort during this difficult time. And about what some people think or have an opinion about people's reconciliation. Well, in my case I don't give a damn. Some people say to me that I am crazy thinking I would give XH a chance to start over, and I say that if it happen and when it happen I feel the same love for him, then I would do it.

If they insist I say: My life is mine to live and I have only one, so be what makes me happy.

The reality is that no one is paying your rent, your food, or whatever. You are the owner of your life and the only one to decide what you want. It does not matter what other people say or think, it is only about what you want.

If it gets hard, and harder, it would also be a good idea to see an IC. It has and is helping me with betrayal, rejection, self esteem, abandonment. I feel it is important to work on the anger and pain, but it seems superficial when I think about the real wounds that makes me angry and gives me pain. Sometimes we need to treat the source of the problem.

Toots, beautiful... you are a brave woman and is dealing with all this mess with tremendous grace. I admire your courage and I think you need to be gentle with yourself and take one day at a time.

We love you,
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks Bea and Lois - it's good to hear how it helps to get angry. I'm not there yet, but I do notice I feel calmer when I have been able to let some things out. I don't always feel angry as such, but I generate a bit of anger and release it. I'll keep doing that I think.

Thanks Jim and Pink. Jim, I think you may have said before, but why do you feel sorry for my H?? And Pink, your words helped me. I do need to just think and say - hey, it's my life and I'll live it how I want.

It's been a nice weekend. Not a busy social one, but pleasant and I've been feeling pretty chilled. I volunteered at the bookstore yesterday, and then helped my Dad in the garden for a couple of hours. In the evening, I rewatched Schindlers List - been wanting to do that for a while.

Today, I cleaned the whole flat, did some washing and cooked lunch for the parents. Spent some more time in the garden with my Dad. They have a big garden and he's been getting worried about it - I'm trying to give him a boost until he can get his gardening hours increased. Tonight I'll be off to aqua aerobics.

Since I wrote that big list on Friday, I have been wondering why I would want to remain married to H. Given what has passed, I just don't know that I could be happy with him again. Although I'm still sad, and I still think of him more often than I'd like, I'm feeling more and more ready for him to be further removed from my life. At one point I found it terrifying to think of D. Now, I'm calmly waiting for things to unfold - progress I think.

Thanks for stopping by xx

[Pink17]

Toot my dear,

Why would you want to be married to him? Let's just say you learned about the flaws in your M. You recognized the solutions for many gaps. Your R was shaken and you found a strong love inside of you.

That's is simple, understandable and that's why many couples do get back together even after the D.

The same way that things settle in a M and the spark is lost, it also happen in the new life we built for ourselves once we are apart.

Some people are very stubborn and once a decision is made they won't go back and they keep looking here, there and somewhere else. But, some people do think about and understand that they can go back, rekindle and rebuild a love that was lost somewhere in the midst of temporary difficulties.

Is this what will happen in your M? No one knows and that's why it's important to built a life you enjoy, to meet new people and be open for your own adventures.

It's just too much pressure right now, to think if you want or don't to be with your H. Let this thoughts on the side and think about them later on.

Try to deal with what is really important, give yourself time to griev and recent. Give yourself time to rebuild Toots.

I admire your activities, but yet they are all very safe. Did you think about towing yourself into some kind of environment where you can flirt?

What if you start exploring who you are now after a year on this nightmare? You are obviously not ready for any R. But give yourself a chance to find the woman that lives inside of you.

Take your head from your H a bit and focus on you and how to find Toots again. You may be surprised that you will start seeing that you have a lot to offer, that there are many folks out there with the same issues, that your H is not the center of the world and that you are worthed more then you even imaged.

Start dreaming, laughing. Cry hard when you need, feel sorry for yourself when the pain comes and then shake it all off, put on some nice clothes, makeup and your hills and show that power girl.

It's not easy, it may be harder then you think at first, but it's all inside of you. You control it, you are in charge.

Right now you have this D agony sindrome. Which by the way, many people go through in this forum. We will survive this and have some more life left to live, it's up to us to live it in fool or live as a fool.

Try to think that all what you are feeling is just normal at this time. The anger, the pain... it's all fear. It's like being in a top of a mountain, full af snow and knowing that a huge storm is upon you.

Breath... and take the focus from your H. Put all this energy into the new you.

By the way, who are you now after a year of learning? What are your goals moving foward. What are the countries you will visit? Are you settle in your job or you want to do something different in two or three years? Do you have your place the way you want? Or maybe you need to look for something more secure and permanent?

Did you loose the weight you want? What are the next adventure you want to risk yourself?

Toots, the world is a huge place and is an amazing teacher to us all. Let life flow and take it slow with the bad.

It will pass, will leave wounds as a big fall would leave the scars on your body, but it will pass and it is up to you now to open your eyes and see this world.

You will do this, you will be you again and you will smile with joy again.

Since Brasil is a messed up country, we learn this since we are born:
"There is no good that last forever, but there is no bad that won't end"

It sound a little funk in english, but it makes sense.

Write to us about something that is Toots. Stop focusing on that jerk H of yours. He does not deserve so much brain time right now. Maybe down the road, but not right now.

Many people here and I included, learned to love what you have to offer. Get it?

Love and big hugs for my sister in this journey.
Pink

[jim0987]

Morning Toots,

Firstly thanks for always posting on my thread when I do update, its much appreciated.

It sounds like you had both a pleasant and productive weekend which is always a good thing. And your Dad must be really grateful for the support. I don't know if its true in your case but it seems that others in our lives often benefit from our situation because we have more time and freedom to give to them.

To explain the feeling sorry for your H...

well the short version is that he is chasing a mirage, a fantasy that I just don't believe exists for a whole bunch of reasons. chief among those is that you get out what you put in. He's had 2 wives and he has a son, and yet in both cases he's thrown that away because 'next time it will be better'

And lets say he does meet someone who wants to have a family with him, he will find that full-time parenting is time-consuming and hard and has all kinds of stresses and strains, probably the same stuff that caused issues in his first marriage. Yes its incredibly rewarding but its not easy. And besides there's more than one way to have a family (OM1 is enjoying mine for example )

And that's before you get into the issues over what age he would be when any child he has now finishes school or gets married or has his grandchildren or all those other things that may follow.

He's chasing fool's gold, when he already has a son that he should be trying to build a strong and fully involved relationship with. He already has a marvellous, intelligent, caring and incredibly supportive wife who he already knows is great to be married to.

I don't advocate that people should settle for whats not right but I do believe that people don't have enough appreciation for the good things they already have in their life (especially given the reality of the world we live in)

So i know I've said i feel sorry for him but pity is the right word, he is giving up so much good for something I don't think he will find. He's just restarting his cycle.

There's an old joke that comes up in my line of work quite a bit but it seems an appropriate metaphor here

'A great flood was approaching a small town and all of the people fled the homes to the safety of shelters on the high ground. One man stayed behind convinced that his faith would save him.

A police officer visited this man and said 'please, you must leave or else you will drown'

The man refused to leave saying 'fear not, for I have faith and my lord will save me'

as the waters rose a boat came past the house, the crew called to the man and said 'please, you must leave or else you will drown'

The man refused to leave saying 'fear not, for I have faith and my lord will save me'

the waters rose further and the man had to climb on to the roof of his house.

A helicopter flew over and offered to rescue him, the crew called to the man and said ' the water is still rising, you must come now or else you will drown'

The man refused to leave saying 'fear not, for I have faith and my lord will save me'

the man drowned.

As he approached the gates of heaven the man was confused and spoke out

'Lord, I am a man of faith and I have served you well, why did you not save me when the flood came?'

The Lord replied

'I sent you a man, a boat and a helicopter. what more do you want?'

I guess my point in all of this is that he already had what he's seeking he just refuses to recognise it and is throwing it away. To me that is something I find quite sad and hence I feel sorry for him (Ditto Pink's H and RD's W by the way)

I will just quickly add for the sake of clarity I also can manage to think a number of decidedly derogatory things about what an idiot he's being and on the whole I am far more concerned by the collateral damage of his choices and in particular the affect its had on you.

I hope that all makes sense.

And just in case it got lost in all of that. Toots, I think you're brilliant and I really wish nothing but good things for you.

[Pink17]

Wow Jim,

You should be a writer, it's delightful to read every and each word. You amazes me with such use of words. Well done, well said.

Toots I agree with Jim!

XOXO
Pink

[Sotto]

Jim, thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful post. I was so touched by it. Your words helped me a lot today and I so appreciate you taking such time and care to post. I kind of knew the answer, but I guess I needed to hear it again - and you did put it so eloquently.

Yes, I think fools gold is apt. And it is true of many sitches on this forum. The irony is the stats say next time it's unlikely to get better. Divorce rates are around 50% for first marriages, rising to around 60% for second and up to 80% for third. I'm not sure I would get married a third time round with those odds!

And Pink, thank you for your kind words. I do still focus on him way more than is good for me or he deserves. Something to keep working on. As for GAL - certainly this weekend was on the quiet side. And I agree that I could be a little more adventurous. I'll have a think about that one some more. I do like putting on heels and a pretty dress - though I mostly seem to do that for work these days! I bought a pretty chiffon dress this week - it is pink with white spots - fitted on top and with a full skirt...Pink, I think you would approve.

Thanks so much for your support my friends. It is a dream of mine that we will one day sit around a dinner table and enjoy each other's company for an evening. I used to want to invite the Dalai Lama for dinner....now I would just like to have my DB friends over,

Take care, Toots xx

[rd500]

Hi Toots. Jim and Pink said it all

Your a fantastic lady that has been treated incredibly badly by H You have stood tall , stuck by your principles and given H way more chances than he deserves

Thanks for being Toots , the most agreed with person since Budda said chillax !!!

Take care. Rd. xxxx

[Vanilla]

Toots

You stand until you decide it's time. It's OK, even D doesn't stop you from standing.

That's OK you know, to stand.

V

[Sotto]

RD & V, Thanks for stopping by. RD...I'm not sure if Budda actually used the word 'Chillax'

Well, it's been a busy couple of days at work and I had yoga GAL this evening. Tomorrow night I'm going out on a boat trip with a social group - wish me luck!

Feeling pretty good in myself. Radio silence between H & I last couple of weeks. As far as I know he is pulling stuff together ready to file. We'll see. I know he's going away for a couple of weeks in early August, so I'll be interested to see if he gears up before then. I know I'm posting about it, but I'm not obsessing about it. I feel pretty peaceful actually. It's done me good to release some emotion recently. I'm still doing a bit of primal screaming and pillow bashing when I get chance.

Working tomorrow, then charity bookstore on Friday. Calligraphy workshop on Saturday, then off work next week & I go away for four days with a friend - looking forward to that. May take a break from posting while I'm away.

Today, I had another nice convo with a guy at work. I've actually known him for years, but he was M the whole time I knew him. He D last year though. He seems a little interested in me...and he's a nice guy - attractive. I'm not going to pursue anything with someone right now, but it might be nice to get to know him a little better....and who knows in the longer term? Nice to have someone seem all pleased to see you anyway...

Take care all xx

[Sotto]

Having a bit of a rough day today. Woke up with a sore throad & feeling worse as the day goes on. Just cancelled my boat trip GAL for tonight, which is a shame. I have also been obsessing about my sitch in a way that I haven't done for a while. It's a good and bad thing. Good that it makes me realise I haven't felt like this in a good while. And bad that I'm feeling like this today.

What's led to this is I sent a text to a mutual friend of mine and H last week to see if she fancied meeting up over the summer. MF has kept in touch with us both and was the one who actually told me H said our R was over before he told me. MF hasn't replied to my text and it worries me that she hasn't replied. I sent a follow up text 5/6 days later saying hey MF - you doing okay? Still no reply.

Now, logically there could be a benign reason for no reply. But my mind has been wondering to dark places - mine to own I know. Is she going out with H now (she's recently D.) Has he got someone else pregnant and she's avoiding me so she doesn't have to tell me? Is there something else awful that I don't know? Does she not want to keep in touch any more? Why?

I know that none of it is helpful to me. And I won't do any more about it just now. And obsessing isn't helping me and I need to help myself. Also, I need to remember that what he may or may not be doing isn't really my concern as his life is his and mine is mine. So 2x4s welcome. As I say, I normally do pretty well and I don't get agitated about this stuff generally - which does make me realise how far I have come.

Hope everyone else is doing well today xx

[job]

Toots,
I'm sorry you are under the weather just a bit. Your body is telling you to slow down and pamper yourself a bit. It needs some rest and TLC.

As for your friends, don't assume anything. They could very well be out of town for a bit. I wouldn't send any more message to them for a while and wait to see if they eventually do respond. I know, it's tough and our minds begin to swirl around w/assumptions when friends disappear, but there could be a very good reason for no contact. Time will tell on that one.

Please take care of yourself.

[rd500]

Hi Toots. Glad to see you talking to other attractive men ( other than all us D Bers ). Your post cheered me up but then I just read the next one.

2 x 4 made from styrafoam but still whacked across you !!!!! That's some leap ,friend doesn't answer you so H is having a baby !!!!!!! Come on Toots , feeling under the weather has affected you badly

You offer fantastic advice to others and you need to step back from being Toots and look at it objectively

Roller coaster today andmonos that it will pass

Take care. Rd. xxxx

[Sotto]

Thanks Job and RD, I really needed some wise words today. It is true that I have been mind-leaping, which isn't helpful. I think some of it is a 'spidey-sense' legacy. Where I wished I had followed my spidey-sense last year, when I knew something wasn't right.

But the fact is, it isn't productive for me to speculate like that. Fact is, I live a completely separate life to H anyway. The only possible impact something might have may be to prompt me to file for D, rather than him lead on it. Anyway, I think normal service has been resumed now.

I still don't feel 100% physically though. I may have got a little over-tired. Luckily, I was working from home today, and have been able to largely hibernate. Tomorrow is pretty busy with bookstore, lunch with a friend and mum-sitting later. Hopefully I'll feel better after a sleep. Thanks once again my friends.

[CaliGuy]

Hope you rest up and feel better Toots

I giggle at your mind leap .. giggle more out of the fact I have made a few quantum ones myself throughout all this. I will use my right of the 5th to not further incriminate myself.

[Vanilla]

If Buddah didn't use chillax, he implied it!

Just checking in for a hug

V

[Pink17]

Hi Beautiful,

The "not knowing" what is going on is really a bug in your pants. It itches. The spidey-sense is very logical but it does no good for you since you have no way of knowing what is going on. So you can choose the cheeseless tunnel or just sit and eat some cheese with a glass of wine.

What has been bothered me for quite a while and I keep not writing because I feel you will be upset is the fact that he said he wants to find someone and start a family together.

Please Toots, get yourself an IC and talk to him the implications of this one fact in your life. It was very rude and senseless for your H to say this, even worse because it comes from someone that has a kid and does not make it an important part of his life and yet he is not very present.

Lately in your posts, there is a lot about your H wanting to have a child and the fear he got or is getting someone pregnant right now. Instead of the 2 x 4s because you are guessing about H, I would take your hand and walk with you to an IC session.

I am not saying you are crazy and obsessing about this, but it is a wound you are not dealing with and I think it may haunt you in the future.

Maybe, if you feel comfortable you can share with us why you decide not to have a baby, or what life did that it didn't happen for you, or if it was a desire you had but for one reason or another it didn't happen. We have our past and we all deal with it.

Regarding your H, again I say that I agree with Jim and I think your H is very delusional. He is lying to himself and is believing in his own lies.

I can see what is happening to my XH right now, and I do not want to be in his shoes. The same way we do not want to be in your H's shoes soon enough. You may think he is out there partying and having girls to sleep with. But he may be in his room feeling sorry for himself and contemplating how unhappy he is.

Have a nice weekend gorgeous! By the way... I sure would love the pink dress, it's sounds very princess like, love it. Be beautiful, be you, enjoy the ride and take advantage of being single for now.

XOXO
Pink

[Sotto]

Hi Cali, V and Pink. Thanks for dropping in. Cali, I'm glad it made you giggle...the mind is not your friend when it starts working in these ways. At least my impulse control is better now and I recognise more what is happening. Posting on the forum & receiving wise words from others helps settle me down too.

V - thanks for the hug! Pink, thanks for posting. Don't worry - your post didn't upset me. I do feel upset that he may find someone else and start a family. In my darker moments, I see him content with new kids and me all alone....but that's not a good direction for my thoughts I know. And in any case, I wouldn't want to see him unhappy. I don't think he was rude and senseless to say what he said. I think he was trying to be honest, and that he truly believes he now knows what he wants. Whether that is truly the case, remains to be seen.

Actually, some of the things he has enjoyed lately have been 'me' things - learning a new skill and volunteering. I worry how he may get on with the 'selflessnes' of parenting if that's the way things go - but that's not my concern I know.

As for us not having children. Well, I love kids and enjoy spending time with them. I never had an urgent desire to be a Mum myself, but I always felt I would be pleased if I became pregnant. When H & I started living together, I was 39 & we stopped using protection - left things in the lap of the gods. Even had a couple of missed periods & pregnancy tests. But looking back now it was perimenopause (sorry if this is TMI!)

I guess part of what hurts is that he didn't share his innermost desires with me. He suppressed them. But now I recognise I was suppressing things too, and this has been ahuge learning point for me. How much intimacy was lost through not revealing our true selves.

We could have considered other avenues like adoption together perhaps - but he never shared that this was what he truly wanted until after BD. You may be right about IC Pink. I saw an IC for 6 months after BD and it was helpful. She was happy to sign me off earlier this year, but said I could go back for more sessions if I wanted. I'll give her a call and arrange this when I'm back from my trip.

I had a nice day yesterday - was at the bookstore in the morning, then had a long lunch with a new female friend and some good laughs. I also heard back from mutual friend. She had been away & just picked up my text, and is keen for us to meet up in August...

I just started reading The Examined Life by Stephen Grosz. There is a lovely quote on the opening pages. It really resonated with me and I may add it to my signature:

'We receive and we lose, and we must try to achieve gratitude; and with that gratitude to embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses.' (Andre Dubus II, Broken Vessels)

Have a good weekend my friends xxx

[dejavu2]

Toots - I think we all let our minds connect dots which aren't related at times. We have gone thru periods of great uncertainty and poor communication with spouse which leads us to guessing what is actually going on.
So glad it sounds like you have awoken refreshed and not doing mental gymnastics. Enjoy your weekend.

[beatrice]

Toots - this 'child' issue. My xh shook me to the core when we met a few months back, by telling me that he had desperately wanted a daughter - to the extent that he thought of using a surrogate mother! Now during MLC he hasn't been a great father to his sons so what this wanting to be a father was all about I can only speculate.

I think it might be mixed up with their fear of dying, and (in my xh's case) unresolved issues with his late mother. I am not altogether sure that he fundamentally likes women, and is uncomfortable with his feminine side.

The reality of parenting and fatherhood is something else.

I loved the Stephen Grosz book - it was serialised on Radio 4 a couple of years ago, and I bought it after hearing extracts.

[jim0987]

Hi Toots

I hope you had a nice weekend despite the rain.

On the child front, who knows when it became an issue for him at the level it is (if it truly is) - it might just be something he has recently decided because he is currently feeling lonely and empty in his in life. Some of your comments about your H don't make me think he is in an amazing place.

But in the end it doesn't really matter unless it changes things for you.

I do think your comment about suppressing things is important though. I remember no end of times where i was unhappy but didn't say anything as I didn't want to risk being vulnerable or upsetting my XW, in the end she didn't know me and I didn't know her because we both left so much unsaid. Its an incredibly valuable lesson to learn just a shame its under these circumstances.

IC may be helpful even if its just to help process how you feel about some of this, so I feel its good you're planning to go. mine still helps me even if i go much less frequently.

As always it sounds like you've built (and are still building) yourself a really good life where you are, and its yours to do with what you want.

Hope all is good.

Jim

[Sotto]

Thanks Deja, Bea and Jim. Bea, that's very interesting about your H wanting a daughter. Must have knocked you sideways that one! It's certainly helping me to see how many others have had a similar experience with MLCers wanting children. Ugh, being born to a MLCer at the most selfish time in their lives - not a good start! Deja and Jim, thanks for your kind words too. Jim, I agree about the empty and lonely comments - just looking for something to fill the void. It must be a horrible feeling.

Well, I had a nice weekend - nothing exciting to report - just busy and pleasant. I'm off work this week, and tomorrow I'm setting off on a little trip with a friend to the North of England. Now, I'm excited to be going away because BD and S meant I missed our holiday last year, and I'm still getting into the groove of 'single' holidays. My friend has a lovely S7, so I'm hoping we'll get some sunshine and fun time on the beach. This may be optimistic in the UK, but a girl can dream can't she? My friend just texted 'bring your wellies - It's pouring down here.'

Feeling pretty calm & balanced within myself. Had a little phase of worrying more about my sitch and struggling to get off to sleep, but that seems to have settled down now. As per usual in my sitch, I don't know where things are up to with H. I have been dark for a couple of weeks, since I gave him some unreasonable behaviour grounds in order to file.

I know he is away for a couple of weeks from early August, so whether he gets organised or updates me before then - we'll see. I haven't been worrying hugely about it, but it has been on my mind. I realised I was EXPECTING to hear from him before he goes away. But, I'm letting that go. I may hear, I may not. It doesn't really matter either way.

Other than that, I accepted the next invite from my social group - a llama trek in August...looking forward to that one. If I'm MIA for a few days, don't worry about me. I'm not sure about the WIFI situation where I'm going, and may take a little break from posting anyway. Best wishes to you all xx

[HaWho]

Hi Toots-

Last year my MLCer also told me he wanted another child. I did not yet recognize that he was in MLC when he asked.

My H did not really enjoy the baby/toddler years. He is much better with older kids. I think he wanted another child to distract himself from all he was going through at the time. I think they grasp at any band-aid they can find.

I live with my MLCer and I am learning to try really hard not to think too much about what he says he wants. It changes with the wind. He has no clue what he wants. And, he has no clue that he has no clue.

[rd500]

Hi Toots. You doing ok ? Saw you might be taking a break from posting but was it supposed to be in August !

Hope all is well. Rd xx

[Sotto]

Hi RD, yes I'm away at the moment & have been pretty busy - but do have WiFi! Had a lovely couple of days with my friend and her S7. Been on the beach, to a castle, out for dinner, out for walks. Hopefully a boat trip tomorrow and then travelling back on Friday.

Will post more of an update then, but thanks for checking in xx

[Sotto]

Had a great little trip with my friend and her S. We crammed a lot of things into a few days, and it was such good fun. Nice to be away, have a change of scene and be busy & not thinking of my sitch. Just got back this evening after a looong drive, where I got held up on the motorway - it's good to get home again.

I was reading U-turn's thread today. He was debating his decision to file and why he hadn't done so thus far. Part of that was about it all 'being on the WAS' - they left, they filed etc. He was questioning his motivation and I must admit I do the same. Part of me just doesn't want H to be able to say I decided to file - as though the whole thing was almost a mutual decision. Part of me is also just stubborn, and part of me still hopes something might be salvaged. I'm going to see what happens in the next couple of months, and then I think I may be at the point where I will need to think about filing myself, just in order to get financials resolved.

H and I haven't had any contact for a few weeks now. Not since I sent him some suggested grounds to use for filing, and we had quite a pleasant/positive exchange. I'm still a bit twitchy that he will just go off on his trip with no update and no action - but I just try not to worry about that, and I'll decide what I'm going to do when I'm ready.

On the plus side, I never would have taken this nice trip with my friend and her S had H and I still been together - and we did have a great time. Also, when I was away, GAL dates were rolling in from various people and I didn't have my diary with me. I'll need to get the bookings in ASAP - don't want to miss out!

Have a good Friday evening everyone xx

[CaliGuy]

Toots

I recall getting to this point. Truth is ... was not so much I thought there was a chance for my M, I did not see reconciliation as an option at all to be very honest. For me there was the fact I would not allow her to bait me into filing, if she wanted out then by all means ... I even was set to gain financially if we did ever D I would have been FAR better off.

Truth is I asked myself .. would my life change? No ... I mean yeah I would be 'free and have some extra cash .. but not enough to really amount to anything. And with the religous side ... I opted to just trust things would be more clear later.

In U-turns case .. I think his W would be more than happy to fake the M and the family scene to save face .. her OM is married and has the happy FB front for all to see ... U is stuck and there is really no option left for him at this point, they never separated, so he can not really even go NC/dark/dim ... truly stuck and I think this is really his last move, and he is doing it for him, not for a reaction .. took some time to get there.

For you ... what does D provide? I was not even ready to date so I just seen no purpose .. M or D I went about my days the same.

[Pink17]

Hi Gorgeous,

I'm so happy you had some fun and enjoyed yourself during this so deserved vacation.

Toots on the filling issue, I think that at some point it's not about what your H wants or don't or what he does or doesn't.

It's about you and your priorities. Like Cali's comments. During this journey we have been learning to be a better person and to respect ourselves.

So you do what make sense for you and you alone. In my case I filed to protect assets, my kids and myself financially and I am very glad I did.

My XH is in a bigger mess he was before and I think he may have a long way to get to his perfect life he was dreaming about.

My life is not perfect, but I gathered myself together and I have been able to move forward and stand in solid ground.

I really didn't gave a dime for the fact that he asked for the D or not. At some point was only about my life.

Now. It is also that I believe that D is not the end of a R. I have been told about a number of couples that did the whole D and after some time decided to get back togheter. I was just yesterday with my bank manager and she was telling me about her aunt that did the whole D, sold house, spent a fortune with lawyers and after two months of the final deed, they decide to star all over again.

So who knows... my point is that whatever decision you take, do it thinking only about yourself. You H is sick, living in some dream world right now. He can't stand even for his own decision to D you.

Why? Because he is an idiot putting titles to his insecurities and fears and is very afraid to face himself and his own life and get some help to put things straight and in a good health prrspective.

He did many mistakes and is not able to bend his pride and admit it to himself and all the other people he is hurting in a way.

You are a strong and honest person. If it gets to the point and when it gets there that Toots had enough and thinks that it is in her best interest to D. Then she will stand tall and say... this is what I want and I am doing it for myself.

Now I see that my XH did not think I would serve him. He tough he could have it his way, separated and living his single life with me doing the heavy lift. Now he is tasting his own making and it has been very bitter for him.

His fantasy of a fantastic life have been awaken with a devastation left from the D. By my side, I had worse days and I am getting to a more peaceful time with myself and my life.

Think about yourself and you will know in your heart when you had enough and don't want to live in limbo land no more.

I love you and wish the best for you. Will you file or not, it's only when you decide thinking only about yourself and we will be here to support you one way or the other.

Probably today you will be hugging mum and dad too, do give one hug for me.

Love
Pink

[rd500]

Nice post Pink

[Sotto]

Cali and Pink, thanks so much for stopping by, and for your wise words. Cali, you are right and I guess the only difference is financial for me....more below on that. Pink, in your shoes, I think I would have filed for D too. Having kids in the mix makes a big difference, and I think their security is a prime concern. For me, I only have me to worry about!!

I guess right now, I like the option of remaining open to any and all options as I just read on Gwen's thread in MLC. In truth, I simply cannot imagine being with H again. Cannot imagine it at all. But in the face of little or no encouragement from him, and his recent destructive choices, I guess it isn't surprising to feel that way.

Next week it will be a whole year since he and I have seen each other and we have only spoken half a dozen times by phone since then too. There is a great deal of distance there. And ours is a weird situation where the M didn't slowly degenerate and become unhappy (although I can see in hindsight we had some significant issues, which I didn't realise at the time.) But in the main, we had a loving M right up to BD.

The financials are a ticking clock situation. If I owned a property outright, I would be comfortable with my current working arrangements and earnings. But paying rent means my salary doesn't cover all my living costs, so I'm dipping into savings - which is fine, and I'm lucky to have them to dip into! But, they are finite and will run out in a year or so. At which point, I need either some kind of £ settlement with H or to increase my earnings. I'm not going to make a big decision just now, but I'm conscious that the point is coming where I will need to take control if nothing is happening.

Anyway - on to nicer things. I had a fun few hours at the charity bookstore yesterday, then was invited out to dinner with some friends and had a nice time. In the meantime, I got an invite from another friend, which I had to turn down! I then had texts going to and fro with another few people to try and get dates in the calendar. GAL has taken on a life of it's own just lately, and it's a juggling act - I'm not complaining at all!!

Hope my lovely DB friends are having a good weekend xxx

[beatrice]

Hi Toots, I am not an advocate of divorce, at all, but dealing with a MLCer is tricky, and in some ways the earlier the financials are settled, and signed off, the better (if you can do this without a divorce, well and good)

In most cases I have seen, the MLCer who does not come around from crisis fairly quickly, tends to get meaner both emotionally and financially as they move deeper into crisis. Very often we discover they have spent joint money, or even hidden assets. Proving this is much easier earlier rather than later.

They may be saying one thing and doing something else!

I let things ride and very much wish I hadn't, and I suspect there are others who here who would agree.

You sound great - just continue to remember you are dealing with someone who has lost all their former sense and is not about to recover any of it soon (or ever!)

[Sotto]

Hi Bea, thanks for posting. I had hoped to settle financials without a D, but H won't agree to this. He doesn't think we should do one without the other, and in the UK there isn't any legal leverage to resolve financials alone - both of you have to agree. My only leverage would be to file for D.

In truth, I have lost my fear of D, but I would still prefer not to have to file.

One other strange thing I forgot to mention. I woke up the other morning to find a missed facetime call from H at 10.30 the night before. I can't imagine he would think it ok to call in that way and at that time, so I'm assuming it was a mistake or a pocket call.

Interesting that others have wished they hadn't let things ride. I think there is a 'sweet spot' between vigorously protecting your own interests and standing for your M. I need to think about this some more. At this point, if we resolved financials in the way he has suggested, I would be very comfortable. If I leave things and he significantly erodes our assets, that would be a bitter pill to swallow.

Thanks for your insight Bea xx

[beatrice]

Toots, we all have to make our own decisions and live with them, and each case is different. Like you I could not separate assets without divorce - and so I waited it out. They do not become more generous!!

[jim0987]

Hi Toots,

I'm glad you've had a good weekend and have so many GAL options. It must be a nice problem to have.

That is a strange call from your H, pocket dialing is the most obvious answer but of all the contacts for it to use it seems odd.

Just reading what you said above about the divorce and at the same time not being able to imagine being with your H again, which I can see would be strange in itself given the amount of time that has passed.

I know it gets said a lot but the divorce is about paperwork and although it obviously has a big emotional aspect it doesnt really change anything in terms of any possible future with H. Whoever your next R is with its going to have to be built afresh.

It does change your financial situation though and give you a bit more legal protection. Apologies if this sounds a bit callous but without the financial settlement you are effectively paying a monthly subscription to stay married to your H. Reminds me of an unused gym membership.

As ridiculous as it sounds but i think you can divorce and still stand. I guess it depends on your view of what standing means and whether you see a difference between waiting, standing or simply not closing the door.

Anyway I hope you have a good week.

[Bob723]

Hello Toots!

Thank you for your post in my thread. I’m playing “catch-up” on many situations and it sounds like you are handling your situation well. I am so happy that you are in "GAL mode." Yay! Isn't it refreshing to get out and do something you enjoy?

You are such a caring, inspirational woman. I know your support means so much to me and others, too.

I truly believe that things will work out for the best for you.

All God's blessings...

Bob

[rd500]

Hi Toots. Get posts above. Jim has a great point re the D and still standing. The financials are always a worry and you shouldn't have to dip into your savings every month.

I know you are an intelligent woman and will do what's best for you but if I can just advise to keep money and your feelings seperated In time you will look back and this time will be a bad memory , don't let it be any worse re money

Take care Rd xx

[Sotto]

Thanks Bea, Jim, Bob and RD. I'm still pondering things, and for sure I'm getting closer to the point of filing myself. I'm conscious that H will have had a couple of logistical things to sort out prior to filing, and perhaps that delayed a little. I actually feel that if/when D papers arrive, I will be somewhat relieved.....and perhaps distressed....but relieved too. I feel if we get a further couple of months on without any action, I'm going to have to go for it myself.

The other thing I have decided is that I'm going to arrange to get STD screened as V has done recently. TBH, it never really occured to me, but now I know that it could happen, I feel I should get screened at some point. Certainly before I considered being involved with anyone else. In my sitch H was sleeping with OW, who had a partner, who was sleeping with - possibly no-one....but I don't know the guy so who knows!!!

For me, I'm still working on anger release, noticing what makes me angry. Mainly I just feel bad when I think about that time before we S, when I didn't know what was happening. And also thinking about OW brings anger forward. I'm just making an effort not to hold that in, and I'm still primal screaming in the car which helps.

Been working away last couple of days and all busy. I'm off tomorrow, so that should be nice. Nothing planned, other than yoga in the evening. But I plan to clean the flat as I have a couple of friends coming over for drinks on Friday night. Other than that, a nice pampering day....

Love and best wishes to you all xx

[rd500]

Hi Toots glad your having a relaxing day today. Your post seems a bit comfused ? or wandering ?

You ssem to want the D papers because its a movement more than the stagnation you are currently in. Does this mean you are still not really moving forward with your life ?

Following your sitch , your GAL is impressive, your work seems to bring you satisfaction and you have good friends and family around you. I know first you have to be happy with who you are and it seems you are but the loss of H still weighs very heavy on you.

Your screaming in the car makes me smile, I imagine anyone watching would see this attractive, well groomed lady, who from a quick glance , would seem to be ok suddenly burst into a screaming fit !!!!!!

The STD check is needed but also horrible to even think about and it's only going to fuel your anger about H and OW. I think the thing to remember here is H was going to do what he did regardless of Toots. I know none of us are blameless in our sitchs but at the same time we were / are all prepared to work on it and our WAS weren't and did things that most of us wouldn't have.

Again Toots, I envy the next man in your life, if that's H then great ( for him ) but who ever he is , he will be a very lucky man.

Have a good day, Rd xx

[Sotto]

Hi RD, thanks for dropping in. Did I sound confused & wandering? Oh dear . I guess I am just at the point where I have accepted we may/will D and I'm okay with that. So, part of me says 'bring it on; I'll be just fine.'

From an emotional and 'standing' perspective, I wouldn't choose to file myself. But from a financial POV, I may well need to soon - purely to get our assets divided. Standing is one thing, being daft is another - and I don't think I'm daft!! I feel clear in my own mind - but may not be expressing myself very well!!

I rang the Sexual Health clinic this morning. They just do drop-ins, not appointments. So, I'll work up to that one!! The clinics aren't at the most convenient time for me, so I'll need to shuffle something.

Other than that, all is well. I'm suppressing a little urge to poke the bear these days, as I haven't heard from H for a while. I guess you are right RD, the loss of H does still sadden me. Does it weigh heavy? Not heavy - but it does still weigh. I'm generally happy with my life - bar the loss of H - I just need to work on making that smaller in my mind than it is now. I do feel I'm heading in a good direction and will get there.

Take care xxx

[Vanilla]

Toots

Truly I just bit the bullet and went to be tested the same day. I didn't give myself time to think. It's important and I was going to face it. Better to know. Especially with the Fishwife POW/OW and as Gg described cooties.

It was very matter of fact, you are a number only. It's OK to do, then go out and treat yourself to a piece of cheeeeeeese cake and a tipple. Another thing on the LBS checklist.

I recommend that every LBS does this if there is an OP and they have had intimacy with their significant other.

At the end it was the thing that cut the rope for me, I have no idea why but it did.

Imagine I am with you when you go, breathe and smile. It's ok.

V

[Dawn70]

Hi Toots! I have been so wrapped up in myself lately that I have dropped the ball and not been around for my DB friends much. So sorry for that. I was reading back through your thread and the post from 7/17 rang so much truth with me. The more I read of your sitch, the more I think we were married to the same man. I don't think my XH cheated in our bed, because he never had the chance, but I know he cheated and he is not willing to own up to it. I have let it go, knowing that Karma will eventually come calling and whack him right square in the head.

I so enjoy your posts and your comments on my thread. I know you are an amazing person who is on her way to soaring high. Much love to you, wonderful lady.

[Pink17]

Hello Beautiful,

I hear you and it is very understandable to have these feelings of being OK with it and not being OK with it at all.

Getting out of a M without trying to make it better, at least giving it a chance to survival is incredibly coward. And that is what our Hs did, they just run away from trouble and don't do the heavy lift.

I like Jim's analogy of what "standing" could mean something different for each individual. Signing the D may be a step to resolve things on the old marriage and give some room to look at things a little more positive without the enormous pressure of separation and things just hanging in there.

I know you are not afraid of the D, you are independent and will survive well if it happen. But I also understand that realizing that your M is dead, is a very difficult and sad task.

It won't get better now, it is hard to do, it's sad and mix all our feeling in one large pan. It leaves wounds that seem like won't get closed ever, it mess with your confidence, self esteem. It is swimming upstream and even tired, we need to keep going against our own will.

But many others, before us, survived and did get back with their Hs, or found someone that they enjoy even better, or decided to stay away from Rs. Whatever happen we still have ourselves. And most important, we can wake up in the morning and look at that person in the mirror, right in the eye and never feel ashamed.

Life is a go around for everyone and your H, as well mine, are not different in any way. Soon enough they will need to face the life they are building up for themselves and then will be their turn to face that mirror.

If we will see it happen or not, we do not know, but it is for sure they will do it one day.

I'm really glad you being tested. I did and it was not even a big deal. If you need to think about yourself first and take good care after yourself, then it is just a reality. Don't think about H, OW... just think you are doing it for yourself and you will feel better about it.

I also really encourage you to look for an IC during the D process. It takes a lot of our energy and it is very emotional. A little help to bust your ego won't hurt and you will benefit from it in years to come, even if you and H decide to try again.

RD made me smile picturing you screaming in your car. That's funny.

Please, thrown on us all your feelings, we will be here for you and help you as much as we can, to get through this difficult time.

We love you Toots, you are an awesome person.

Pink

[rd500]

Great post from Pink and I agree !!!!

[rd500]

Hi Toots, was thinking about your sitch last night and you've done incredible. While others like myself and Pink have to contend with the tears and sadness and maybe signs of regret you have faced a stone wall and lost your home, step son (to a degree ) and had little sign of hope of change.

You brushed yourself down and made a new life that has too much GAL, you have moved forward with work and you have interest from possible male friends. All that takes incredible strength. It's a pleasure to be classed as an online freind.

For what it's worth your H is clearly in an MLC and he will regret his choices for the rest of his life.

My Dad left my Mum when I was 11, he is a serial womaniser and to this day he has two ladies on the go ( he's 77 now )
He recently told me he regrets his choices and wishes he could turn back time. He has never been truly happy.

You are a model to us all. I know it's not easy for you but you have done a great job and while I have no right to be, I'm very proud of your path.

Hope you don't mind the post but I'm in good form today and was very reflective last night and wanted to post this.

Take care Toots and have a great day, Rd xx

[Sotto]

V, Dawn, Pink and RD - thanks so much for your posts. V, I haven't made it to the sexual health clinic yet, but it is high on my list now. I wish they had offered appointments, then it would be in the diary. As it is, I need to make up my mind to drop in and be tested. Dawn, thanks for stopping by too - I'm glad you got something out of reading my 'things to try & forgive' list. I'm still a way off, but working towards that.

Pink, yes you are right - essentially I'm okay. Equally it is sad and difficult to let go of your M. I still feel I am 'living my sitch' even though I haven't even spent time with H in a year, and we have hardly spoken! Part of me feels I must be defective to still give him headspace - but another part of me knows it is just a process that takes time. I'm glad you found the testing okay - it helps to know that.

RD, thanks so much for your kind post. It is nice to be thought of as a potential role model for someone. Part of me says - well, what else could I do?? But I can see that my path has been stronger and more positive than it might have been. It is true that there is little to no encouragement from H (sigh) which is good and bad. People with lots of contact have an excuse for not being as detached as they would like - I don't! I can see that I am more detached than I was though. Lost my fear of D for example.

Well, it's been a busy few days. Work yesterday, then mum-sitting. Had a nice glass of wine and a chat with one of Mum's carers - they are more friends of the family now. Today was bookstore GAL - always fun! I'm about to log on for work, then I have a couple of friends coming over this evening for a girly night in with drinks and some nibbles...

Lots of warm and fuzzy wishes to you all xxx

[jim0987]

Evening Toots. I hope you enjoy your evening of drinks and nibbles.

It is definitely sad, even in the worst of marriages its still a little sad, so I wouldn't give thoughts of being 'defective' any time at all (said without a hint of irony).

I'm not sure more or less contact makes a difference in some ways, if anything some people who have really aggressive contact may find it easier to detach because they face so much hostility. It's a very personal process and there isn't a right answer.

But it does take time and until you are completely separate (and divorced) there are always those issues that keep you attached.

If your H ever realises the extent of his mistake, being divorced or not won't change whether he tries to work things out with you. But it will be your choice whether he ever has the chance.

Anyway keep being marvellous and have a great weekend.

[Vanilla]

Just checking in to give you a big hug

V

[Sotto]

Jim and V - thanks for visiting. Jim, that's interesting about the contact. I hadn't thought of it that way. One thing I find about NC, is you don't get indicators of where their head may be at, and so your mind can start working in unhelpful directions. If WAS is right in front of you, giving clear messages, it's maybe easier to know how things stand.

H and I had a little text contact today. Initiated by me. As we've not been in touch for a month or so, I thought I'd drop him a message. Just said I hoped he was well, wished him a good trip and asked him to give best wishes to the family. (He's off to visit them in the US round about now.) Also asked him to let me know if he wants me to do anything re: looking after the house.

He responded. Hopes I'm well, mentioned the weather. Apologised for not giving a house update. We've had four viewings since we listed. One of them likes it, but has a house to sell first. I got back to him later on....just a couple of comments about good to have a buyer in the bag & hopefully we'll sell soon. All pleasant enough. No moves to reach out on his part & no mention of D. No problem. I scratched that itch & now I'll leave things.

Had a great night with my friend (supposed to be two, but one had a relative rushed into hospital.) We had some really good laughs and talked some about the meaning of life. Didn't get to bed until late. I lent her Viktor Frankl's Search for Meaning, which I recommend. V, I noticed you mentioned that one recently too.

So, generally all pretty good with me & enjoying some good weather. Hope everyone's having a great weekend xxx

[HaWho]

Hi Toots- I want to say thank you. I am definitely one of the people you have helped. Your recent post about boundaries was particularly helpful.

So, I live with my MLCer and I can reassure you that living with them does not offer any "clear messages." When I read the posts of those who have NC, I feel, often there is a certain belief that more contact somehow would equate to more comprehension. And yet, I am here, just like those of you without contact, trying to understand what is going on (and I see and talk to my MLCer a lot!).

My MLCer and I have had conversations where he has offered insight into his thought process. I have learned that whatever he says is merely a glimpse of what he is thinking at that exact moment and absolutely nothing more. In fact, he will often say the polar opposite minutes, hours or days later. When at times I have probed for the logic behind thought processes, I see it simply does not exist in any way that a non-MLC mind could make heads or tails of it. And he can't explain the logic either so...

I can see why we are told to believe nothing that is said. Unfortunately, I still "hear" the conversations play back in my mind. There are times I wish I had a backspace button in my memory.

I am trying to reassure you that MLC is MLC with or without contact. There are no "clear messages." From talking with him, the only thing that is clear is that really, he even does not understand what he is thinking.

[Vanilla]

Everything that RD said.

I know absolutely nothing about MLC but I am here and can support on other stuff.

I can't comment on best strategies, light dark or anything else.

I only know that Toots is very dear to me and whatever is going on is cheese less tunnels and scrambled egg brains. No sense from nonsense.

You stand as long as you want to and need to. As things resolve it will all unfold. Grass is never truly greener, just full of moss.

V

[rd500]

Hi Toots. Some really nice support from others in previous posts. I think it shows how you come across. I think we all struggle with the end of our M's because none of us are bad people , we might not be perfect but we are prepared to work on what we need to

Plenty of screaming in the car and attack the pillows when the mood takes you !!!

Take care Rd. xx x

[Sotto]

H has emailed me to say divorce papers are on the way (he has filed on grounds of my unreasonable behaviour) & my L should get them soon. He says it took him a while to file. Mostly it was hard to write down something he didn't feel to be true and I don't deserve.

He's sure I know, but needs to say it again, because it's important. Even if he sounds stupid, he wants to make it completely clear. The papers say I was hard to live with and he wants me to know he doesn't think so.

He says I was a good person to live with. While things didn't work out, that wasn't because I was difficult - not at all. He was lucky to spend the time with me that he did. And he looks back fondly at the good life we had. We didn’t argue much, were very compatible and the intimacy we had was beautiful. He said there are difficult people around, and I'm not among them.

He hopes I'll see the text is close to what I provided. His L changed it a little and H removed some of it to try and keep it short. He wishes he didn’t need to say any of it.


So, it's expected and of course I feel sad. It feels strange that he still says such caring things, and there seems to be some regret...looking back fondly etc....but he has still filed. I know I have been DBing for a while, but it's still hard to understand. I'm a bit tearful, but I'll be okay. I'm not sure whether to reply. Is it an opportunity to say how happy I was too, or just thank him for the update - or nothing?

xx

[rd500]

Hi Ttoots I was reading Dawns thread and saw your news there.

Firstly I'm so sorry and not sure what to say. It seems mad that he would send such a caring text to ensure you are ok re the news but at the same time files

You have DBed like a champion and I would urge you to continue. Your H doesn't seem to make much sense and I don't think thats going to change anytime soon

As we often read on here , D is just a piece of paper Today has changed nothing
Toots H is still in his fog, MLC or whatever Until H emerges then all you can do is be the fantastic Toots that we all love I know that I always look forward to your posts to myself and to others. I would ask that at 10 o'clock tonight you sit down with a glass of wine and I will do the same I hope others will join but even if it's just us two then I want to share a glass with you. I would love to be there for you in the real world but ican be there for you in the virtual world

I will post at ten and have a sip. Your a good , decent person who I'm lucky to have met. Your H is an ar@e ! !!!!!!!

I can only hope to end up with some one half as good as you

Take care and we will have that drink later

Your friend Rd. xxxx

[rd500]

Hi Ttoots I was reading Dawns thread and saw your news there.

Firstly I'm so sorry and not sure what to say. It seems mad that he would send such a caring text to ensure you are ok re the news but at the same time files

You have DBed like a champion and I would urge you to continue. Your H doesn't seem to make much sense and I don't think thats going to change anytime soon

As we often read on here , D is just a piece of paper Today has changed nothing
Toots H is still in his fog, MLC or whatever Until H emerges then all you can do is be the fantastic Toots that we all love I know that I always look forward to your posts to myself and to others. I would ask that at 10 o'clock tonight you sit down with a glass of wine and I will do the same I hope others will join but even if it's just us two then I want to share a glass with you. I would love to be there for you in the real world but ican be there for you in the virtual world

I will post at ten and have a sip. Your a good , decent person who I'm lucky to have met. Your H is an ar@e ! !!!!!!!

I can only hope to end up with some one half as good as you

Take care and we will have that drink later

Your friend Rd. xxxx

[jim0987]

((((Toots))))

I would love to have something to say thats useful and makes it all OK. The best I can offer is a virtual hug and to say that you deserve much better.

As for whether to reply, well you've been DB'g for a while and are a good example to most of us here so do what we all do and 'agree with Toots' - follow what your gut says on this one, there isn't a right or wrong answer so do what feels right to you.

Take care Toots

[Wonka]

Toots,

I am sorry that your H went ahead with the D papers. It is all on him.

I would say simply:

This is a sad development and I am sorry that you feel the need to take this step. Your comments and actions are very confusing to me. I hope you find what you're looking for---peace. I am sorry that you are losing the BEST part of your life: me. It's your choice. Good luck with your journey.

[Sotto]

Thanks so much Guys. RD, your post made me cry, and Jim - I so appreciate your kind words too. You are kind to raise a glass for me at 10pm....I'll join you in that.

Wonka, thanks for your suggested response. I'll draft something in line with what you suggest. TBH, I feel too emotional to DB well tonight, so I'll trust in the wise words of one of the best. I'll sleep on it and do that tomorrow.

I realised it was a year yesterday since I last saw H. Today he told me he filed....and tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. I guess a 'happy anniversary' message is a bad idea then??

My take on the confusion is that he feels the need to extricate himself from the M - for whatever reason; I have no idea - but he feels pretty awful about what he has done or is doing too. It's bizarre, because reading his words I think - Wow, that sounds like a great marriage - don't you want to hold on to that??

I guess on the plus side, this takes us a step closer towards financial resolution, which I need TBH. And I will be glad to get there without having had to file.

Thanks so much my DB buddies xx

[CaliGuy]

Toots .... sorry to hear about the latest.

That message is just chalked full of oxymorons .... like he needs the paper to read one way but feels the opposite .. Almost like in his head he had all the reasons but once it was read back to him he realizes .. "no that's not true, but I still need to have SOMETHING in print to be able to justify the D" ... smh.

Seriously my heart goes out to you.

[job]

Toots,
I'm very sorry it's come to this and Cali is right...it's full of oxymorons! In order to divorce you, he had to come up w/some lame excuse because he didn't have anything else to justify his reasoning. I don't buy it and he is full of BS.

You've been handling your situation w/class and dignity since you've been posting here and again, I'm very sorry he's blinded by the search for the fountain of youth and happiness. I do hope that some day he comes to realize what he's lost.

Please take care of yourself.

[rd500]

Hi Toots. Well I'm here with 6 squares of dark chocolate a glass of white and I've been reading some of your fantastic posts to me over theLast while

I'm staggered by your H's stupidity. He is losing a very special lady and I'm sure he will never find any one who could replace you

You have loads of support on here and I'm sure in your real life too , this is another chapter in the life of Toots. You have many many chapters left to be written and read. M

Life will be great for Toots again It's hard to see that right but it will. Good things happen to good people and even though it's hard to see , this has happened for a reason

Positive thoughts heading your way Toots

CHEERS Lots of love and hugs and kisses. Rd. xxxxxx x

[Sotto]

Cheers RD - thanks for remembering me!! Well, I have a little glass of wine, and no chocolate - but I do have a big box of tissues...

I'm raising my glass to you all. Tomorrow on our 6th anniversary, I will light two candles - one for me on my path and one for H - to wish us both well.

Thanks Cali and Job for your kind comments too xx

[Dawn70]

(((Toots)))

I just want you to know how much I feel a kindred spirit with you and my heart really hurts for you today. I have been there and done that almost exactly like you have and I KNOW how it hits so hard. I love the idea of lighting the candles for the paths that you and your STBX are on. The anniversary of the date that my X proposed is rapidly approaching and I think I'm going to borrow that idea and do the same thing. It is a lovely gesture, even if no one but you sees it.

I'm going to raise a glass to you tomorrow. You are a strong woman and your life is going to be so amazing in the future. It is hard to see it now, believe me I know! But, it will be.

Positive thoughts and prayers coming your way, Toots, with a nice little tail wag from Molly to boot.

[Sotto]

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