A year on and tootling along

[Pink17]

Hello Beautiful,

I hear you and it is very understandable to have these feelings of being OK with it and not being OK with it at all.

Getting out of a M without trying to make it better, at least giving it a chance to survival is incredibly coward. And that is what our Hs did, they just run away from trouble and don't do the heavy lift.

I like Jim's analogy of what "standing" could mean something different for each individual. Signing the D may be a step to resolve things on the old marriage and give some room to look at things a little more positive without the enormous pressure of separation and things just hanging in there.

I know you are not afraid of the D, you are independent and will survive well if it happen. But I also understand that realizing that your M is dead, is a very difficult and sad task.

It won't get better now, it is hard to do, it's sad and mix all our feeling in one large pan. It leaves wounds that seem like won't get closed ever, it mess with your confidence, self esteem. It is swimming upstream and even tired, we need to keep going against our own will.

But many others, before us, survived and did get back with their Hs, or found someone that they enjoy even better, or decided to stay away from Rs. Whatever happen we still have ourselves. And most important, we can wake up in the morning and look at that person in the mirror, right in the eye and never feel ashamed.

Life is a go around for everyone and your H, as well mine, are not different in any way. Soon enough they will need to face the life they are building up for themselves and then will be their turn to face that mirror.

If we will see it happen or not, we do not know, but it is for sure they will do it one day.

I'm really glad you being tested. I did and it was not even a big deal. If you need to think about yourself first and take good care after yourself, then it is just a reality. Don't think about H, OW... just think you are doing it for yourself and you will feel better about it.

I also really encourage you to look for an IC during the D process. It takes a lot of our energy and it is very emotional. A little help to bust your ego won't hurt and you will benefit from it in years to come, even if you and H decide to try again.

RD made me smile picturing you screaming in your car. That's funny.

Please, thrown on us all your feelings, we will be here for you and help you as much as we can, to get through this difficult time.

We love you Toots, you are an awesome person.

Pink

[rd500]

Great post from Pink and I agree !!!!

[rd500]

Hi Toots, was thinking about your sitch last night and you've done incredible. While others like myself and Pink have to contend with the tears and sadness and maybe signs of regret you have faced a stone wall and lost your home, step son (to a degree ) and had little sign of hope of change.

You brushed yourself down and made a new life that has too much GAL, you have moved forward with work and you have interest from possible male friends. All that takes incredible strength. It's a pleasure to be classed as an online freind.

For what it's worth your H is clearly in an MLC and he will regret his choices for the rest of his life.

My Dad left my Mum when I was 11, he is a serial womaniser and to this day he has two ladies on the go ( he's 77 now )
He recently told me he regrets his choices and wishes he could turn back time. He has never been truly happy.

You are a model to us all. I know it's not easy for you but you have done a great job and while I have no right to be, I'm very proud of your path.

Hope you don't mind the post but I'm in good form today and was very reflective last night and wanted to post this.

Take care Toots and have a great day, Rd xx

[Sotto]

V, Dawn, Pink and RD - thanks so much for your posts. V, I haven't made it to the sexual health clinic yet, but it is high on my list now. I wish they had offered appointments, then it would be in the diary. As it is, I need to make up my mind to drop in and be tested. Dawn, thanks for stopping by too - I'm glad you got something out of reading my 'things to try & forgive' list. I'm still a way off, but working towards that.

Pink, yes you are right - essentially I'm okay. Equally it is sad and difficult to let go of your M. I still feel I am 'living my sitch' even though I haven't even spent time with H in a year, and we have hardly spoken! Part of me feels I must be defective to still give him headspace - but another part of me knows it is just a process that takes time. I'm glad you found the testing okay - it helps to know that.

RD, thanks so much for your kind post. It is nice to be thought of as a potential role model for someone. Part of me says - well, what else could I do?? But I can see that my path has been stronger and more positive than it might have been. It is true that there is little to no encouragement from H (sigh) which is good and bad. People with lots of contact have an excuse for not being as detached as they would like - I don't! I can see that I am more detached than I was though. Lost my fear of D for example.

Well, it's been a busy few days. Work yesterday, then mum-sitting. Had a nice glass of wine and a chat with one of Mum's carers - they are more friends of the family now. Today was bookstore GAL - always fun! I'm about to log on for work, then I have a couple of friends coming over this evening for a girly night in with drinks and some nibbles...

Lots of warm and fuzzy wishes to you all xxx

[jim0987]

Evening Toots. I hope you enjoy your evening of drinks and nibbles.

It is definitely sad, even in the worst of marriages its still a little sad, so I wouldn't give thoughts of being 'defective' any time at all (said without a hint of irony).

I'm not sure more or less contact makes a difference in some ways, if anything some people who have really aggressive contact may find it easier to detach because they face so much hostility. It's a very personal process and there isn't a right answer.

But it does take time and until you are completely separate (and divorced) there are always those issues that keep you attached.

If your H ever realises the extent of his mistake, being divorced or not won't change whether he tries to work things out with you. But it will be your choice whether he ever has the chance.

Anyway keep being marvellous and have a great weekend.

[Vanilla]

Just checking in to give you a big hug

V

[Sotto]

Jim and V - thanks for visiting. Jim, that's interesting about the contact. I hadn't thought of it that way. One thing I find about NC, is you don't get indicators of where their head may be at, and so your mind can start working in unhelpful directions. If WAS is right in front of you, giving clear messages, it's maybe easier to know how things stand.

H and I had a little text contact today. Initiated by me. As we've not been in touch for a month or so, I thought I'd drop him a message. Just said I hoped he was well, wished him a good trip and asked him to give best wishes to the family. (He's off to visit them in the US round about now.) Also asked him to let me know if he wants me to do anything re: looking after the house.

He responded. Hopes I'm well, mentioned the weather. Apologised for not giving a house update. We've had four viewings since we listed. One of them likes it, but has a house to sell first. I got back to him later on....just a couple of comments about good to have a buyer in the bag & hopefully we'll sell soon. All pleasant enough. No moves to reach out on his part & no mention of D. No problem. I scratched that itch & now I'll leave things.

Had a great night with my friend (supposed to be two, but one had a relative rushed into hospital.) We had some really good laughs and talked some about the meaning of life. Didn't get to bed until late. I lent her Viktor Frankl's Search for Meaning, which I recommend. V, I noticed you mentioned that one recently too.

So, generally all pretty good with me & enjoying some good weather. Hope everyone's having a great weekend xxx

[HaWho]

Hi Toots- I want to say thank you. I am definitely one of the people you have helped. Your recent post about boundaries was particularly helpful.

So, I live with my MLCer and I can reassure you that living with them does not offer any "clear messages." When I read the posts of those who have NC, I feel, often there is a certain belief that more contact somehow would equate to more comprehension. And yet, I am here, just like those of you without contact, trying to understand what is going on (and I see and talk to my MLCer a lot!).

My MLCer and I have had conversations where he has offered insight into his thought process. I have learned that whatever he says is merely a glimpse of what he is thinking at that exact moment and absolutely nothing more. In fact, he will often say the polar opposite minutes, hours or days later. When at times I have probed for the logic behind thought processes, I see it simply does not exist in any way that a non-MLC mind could make heads or tails of it. And he can't explain the logic either so...

I can see why we are told to believe nothing that is said. Unfortunately, I still "hear" the conversations play back in my mind. There are times I wish I had a backspace button in my memory.

I am trying to reassure you that MLC is MLC with or without contact. There are no "clear messages." From talking with him, the only thing that is clear is that really, he even does not understand what he is thinking.

[Vanilla]

Everything that RD said.

I know absolutely nothing about MLC but I am here and can support on other stuff.

I can't comment on best strategies, light dark or anything else.

I only know that Toots is very dear to me and whatever is going on is cheese less tunnels and scrambled egg brains. No sense from nonsense.

You stand as long as you want to and need to. As things resolve it will all unfold. Grass is never truly greener, just full of moss.

V

[rd500]

Hi Toots. Some really nice support from others in previous posts. I think it shows how you come across. I think we all struggle with the end of our M's because none of us are bad people , we might not be perfect but we are prepared to work on what we need to

Plenty of screaming in the car and attack the pillows when the mood takes you !!!

Take care Rd. xx x