A year on and tootling along

[job]

Toots,
I'm sorry you are under the weather just a bit. Your body is telling you to slow down and pamper yourself a bit. It needs some rest and TLC.

As for your friends, don't assume anything. They could very well be out of town for a bit. I wouldn't send any more message to them for a while and wait to see if they eventually do respond. I know, it's tough and our minds begin to swirl around w/assumptions when friends disappear, but there could be a very good reason for no contact. Time will tell on that one.

Please take care of yourself.

[rd500]

Hi Toots. Glad to see you talking to other attractive men ( other than all us D Bers ). Your post cheered me up but then I just read the next one.

2 x 4 made from styrafoam but still whacked across you !!!!! That's some leap ,friend doesn't answer you so H is having a baby !!!!!!! Come on Toots , feeling under the weather has affected you badly

You offer fantastic advice to others and you need to step back from being Toots and look at it objectively

Roller coaster today andmonos that it will pass

Take care. Rd. xxxx

[Sotto]

Thanks Job and RD, I really needed some wise words today. It is true that I have been mind-leaping, which isn't helpful. I think some of it is a 'spidey-sense' legacy. Where I wished I had followed my spidey-sense last year, when I knew something wasn't right.

But the fact is, it isn't productive for me to speculate like that. Fact is, I live a completely separate life to H anyway. The only possible impact something might have may be to prompt me to file for D, rather than him lead on it. Anyway, I think normal service has been resumed now.

I still don't feel 100% physically though. I may have got a little over-tired. Luckily, I was working from home today, and have been able to largely hibernate. Tomorrow is pretty busy with bookstore, lunch with a friend and mum-sitting later. Hopefully I'll feel better after a sleep. Thanks once again my friends.

[CaliGuy]

Hope you rest up and feel better Toots

I giggle at your mind leap .. giggle more out of the fact I have made a few quantum ones myself throughout all this. I will use my right of the 5th to not further incriminate myself.

[Vanilla]

If Buddah didn't use chillax, he implied it!

Just checking in for a hug

V

[Pink17]

Hi Beautiful,

The "not knowing" what is going on is really a bug in your pants. It itches. The spidey-sense is very logical but it does no good for you since you have no way of knowing what is going on. So you can choose the cheeseless tunnel or just sit and eat some cheese with a glass of wine.

What has been bothered me for quite a while and I keep not writing because I feel you will be upset is the fact that he said he wants to find someone and start a family together.

Please Toots, get yourself an IC and talk to him the implications of this one fact in your life. It was very rude and senseless for your H to say this, even worse because it comes from someone that has a kid and does not make it an important part of his life and yet he is not very present.

Lately in your posts, there is a lot about your H wanting to have a child and the fear he got or is getting someone pregnant right now. Instead of the 2 x 4s because you are guessing about H, I would take your hand and walk with you to an IC session.

I am not saying you are crazy and obsessing about this, but it is a wound you are not dealing with and I think it may haunt you in the future.

Maybe, if you feel comfortable you can share with us why you decide not to have a baby, or what life did that it didn't happen for you, or if it was a desire you had but for one reason or another it didn't happen. We have our past and we all deal with it.

Regarding your H, again I say that I agree with Jim and I think your H is very delusional. He is lying to himself and is believing in his own lies.

I can see what is happening to my XH right now, and I do not want to be in his shoes. The same way we do not want to be in your H's shoes soon enough. You may think he is out there partying and having girls to sleep with. But he may be in his room feeling sorry for himself and contemplating how unhappy he is.

Have a nice weekend gorgeous! By the way... I sure would love the pink dress, it's sounds very princess like, love it. Be beautiful, be you, enjoy the ride and take advantage of being single for now.

XOXO
Pink

[Sotto]

Hi Cali, V and Pink. Thanks for dropping in. Cali, I'm glad it made you giggle...the mind is not your friend when it starts working in these ways. At least my impulse control is better now and I recognise more what is happening. Posting on the forum & receiving wise words from others helps settle me down too.

V - thanks for the hug! Pink, thanks for posting. Don't worry - your post didn't upset me. I do feel upset that he may find someone else and start a family. In my darker moments, I see him content with new kids and me all alone....but that's not a good direction for my thoughts I know. And in any case, I wouldn't want to see him unhappy. I don't think he was rude and senseless to say what he said. I think he was trying to be honest, and that he truly believes he now knows what he wants. Whether that is truly the case, remains to be seen.

Actually, some of the things he has enjoyed lately have been 'me' things - learning a new skill and volunteering. I worry how he may get on with the 'selflessnes' of parenting if that's the way things go - but that's not my concern I know.

As for us not having children. Well, I love kids and enjoy spending time with them. I never had an urgent desire to be a Mum myself, but I always felt I would be pleased if I became pregnant. When H & I started living together, I was 39 & we stopped using protection - left things in the lap of the gods. Even had a couple of missed periods & pregnancy tests. But looking back now it was perimenopause (sorry if this is TMI!)

I guess part of what hurts is that he didn't share his innermost desires with me. He suppressed them. But now I recognise I was suppressing things too, and this has been ahuge learning point for me. How much intimacy was lost through not revealing our true selves.

We could have considered other avenues like adoption together perhaps - but he never shared that this was what he truly wanted until after BD. You may be right about IC Pink. I saw an IC for 6 months after BD and it was helpful. She was happy to sign me off earlier this year, but said I could go back for more sessions if I wanted. I'll give her a call and arrange this when I'm back from my trip.

I had a nice day yesterday - was at the bookstore in the morning, then had a long lunch with a new female friend and some good laughs. I also heard back from mutual friend. She had been away & just picked up my text, and is keen for us to meet up in August...

I just started reading The Examined Life by Stephen Grosz. There is a lovely quote on the opening pages. It really resonated with me and I may add it to my signature:

'We receive and we lose, and we must try to achieve gratitude; and with that gratitude to embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses.' (Andre Dubus II, Broken Vessels)

Have a good weekend my friends xxx

[dejavu2]

Toots - I think we all let our minds connect dots which aren't related at times. We have gone thru periods of great uncertainty and poor communication with spouse which leads us to guessing what is actually going on.
So glad it sounds like you have awoken refreshed and not doing mental gymnastics. Enjoy your weekend.

[beatrice]

Toots - this 'child' issue. My xh shook me to the core when we met a few months back, by telling me that he had desperately wanted a daughter - to the extent that he thought of using a surrogate mother! Now during MLC he hasn't been a great father to his sons so what this wanting to be a father was all about I can only speculate.

I think it might be mixed up with their fear of dying, and (in my xh's case) unresolved issues with his late mother. I am not altogether sure that he fundamentally likes women, and is uncomfortable with his feminine side.

The reality of parenting and fatherhood is something else.

I loved the Stephen Grosz book - it was serialised on Radio 4 a couple of years ago, and I bought it after hearing extracts.

[jim0987]

Hi Toots

I hope you had a nice weekend despite the rain.

On the child front, who knows when it became an issue for him at the level it is (if it truly is) - it might just be something he has recently decided because he is currently feeling lonely and empty in his in life. Some of your comments about your H don't make me think he is in an amazing place.

But in the end it doesn't really matter unless it changes things for you.

I do think your comment about suppressing things is important though. I remember no end of times where i was unhappy but didn't say anything as I didn't want to risk being vulnerable or upsetting my XW, in the end she didn't know me and I didn't know her because we both left so much unsaid. Its an incredibly valuable lesson to learn just a shame its under these circumstances.

IC may be helpful even if its just to help process how you feel about some of this, so I feel its good you're planning to go. mine still helps me even if i go much less frequently.

As always it sounds like you've built (and are still building) yourself a really good life where you are, and its yours to do with what you want.

Hope all is good.

Jim