Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Link to the last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2562648&page=11 – “Can it be another round?”

New thread. I was driving from the vacation home tonight and this Pink Floyd song came up on my XM radio. I thought it kind of speaks for both H and me. After this weekend and some other info that I learnt, I’m wondering if I can make a final cut… Just let it be… give up… whatever…

The Final Cut (Waters)

Through the fish-eyed lens of tear stained eyes
I can barely define the shape of this moment in time
And far from flying high in clear blue skies
I'm spiraling down to the hole in the ground where I hide.

If you negotiate the minefield in the drive
And beat the dogs and cheat the cold electronic eyes
And if you make it past the shotgun in the hall,
Dial the combination, open the priesthole
And if I'm in I'll tell you what's behind the wall.

...

There's a kid who had a big hallucination
Making love to girls in magazines.
He wonders if you're sleeping with your new found faith.
Could anybody love him
Or is it just a crazy dream?

And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone?
Would you take the children away
And leave me alone?
And smile in reassurance
As you whisper down the phone?
Would you send me packing?
Or would you take me home?

Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings,
Thought I oughta tear the curtain down.
I held the blade in trembling hands
Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
I never had the nerve to make the final cut.

"Hello? Listen, I think I've got it. Okay, listen its a HaHa!"


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
I feel like either of us can’t make that final cut. Now, with these “news” about that ow, that H connected to, I wonder if the dynamics will change. She stayed at the condo a few weeks ago (he was not there.) But, now, I’m thinking he will invite her over to stay there when he is there. And that is when the hell will break loose, LOL.

So, H was in my city this past weekend, going to the race with his brother. I came home tonight, and his mail is still here… Meaning, he didn’t come to the house to collect it. He was in TOWN! I guess, he is busy with this new R, and doesn’t give a sh!t about the mail or anything else (like company audit.) I’m going to wait for him to ask about his mail before I make any effort to send it to him. These are two issues of Playboy already, LOL. Will see when he will remember about that, hehe.

Like I mentioned before, I feel like I’m bipolar… I’m good and don’t give a sh!t one time, then I’m sad and heartbroken again… Then I feel some compassion, thinking that hooking up with this woman is going to be good for H… Maybe he will stop drinking heavily… Then… I’m angry again, thinking that I will make very hard for H, in regards to the vacation home… I just don’t know what my feelings are going to be tomorrow… This s@cks... Why am I so stubborn? Why I just cannot let go?

Part of this is I love going to the vacation home so much, I cannot see how I can make that “final cut” and not deprive myself from having a good time over there.

Now, this woman who I think H recently hooked up with, knows the same people I know over there. My mutual friends know her. Why does it have to be this way? Why H cannot find himself a completely random woman, who has no connections to the vacation home? Why does he has to make it so difficult for everyone? I’m thinking my mutual friends are not going to be very thrilled about that.

I feel like the door to a possible reconciliation is closing very fast for me. I wish I just can make that “final cut” right now…


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
Bright I wish there was something I could say. They are in lalaland for the foreseeable future with no clue about what they are doing or how it is affecting people they once cared deeply about.

It hurts, it really does. You will get there, but it is OK to feel bad. Mostly people who don't care much or are cut off from their feelings bounce back fast. They may act OK, but I suspect deep down they hurt.

If your long term partner betrays you and rejects you, how can you not to hurt? It is finding strategies to deal with that hurt and rejection that takes skill, and part of it is feeling the emotions and acknowledging them.

Be kind to yourself, you are moving through this - you don't see it but others do.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
I'm so sorry you are hurting and it's okay to feel down and out. If you weren't hurt and expressing yourself, I would be worried about you. Let it out, do something physical to help you relieve the stress, anger and hurt. Don't bottle it up because it will only affect your health and your way of life.

Bea is right, your h, just like the others, is in La La Land and right now, it's all about making himself feel good. They don't have any clue as to what they are doing or their behavior affects others. Their empathy chip is broken and right now, you have to protect yourself.

As for his mail...it could have been that he didn't want to come there when you weren't home to pick it up. At least he's respecting your privacy by not doing so. Unless he has something important in the mail, I would bundle it up and send it on to him once a month.

Please try to be kind to yourself. Work through your anger and hurt and one day you will finally see the light of day, but it takes time and patience. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Okay?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Bright,

I'm sorry you have to feel this pain. In some ways, I think your situation has been harder than most because of his lack of action on any front. He has been quite the teenage load.

You have been living in-between for a long time. His inaction and reliance on you to handle some of the business details of his life has been very emotionally abusive, in my opinion.

Maybe this is your chance to reclaim some of YOU back from this situation he has thrust you in? What do you want separate from him?

Even in my darkest moments, when I realized I still had ME and I could freely go after what I wanted in this life... I always felt better.

What dreams do you have for you?

But, you don't have to DO anything today. And, you don't have to beat yourself up any longer for just being where you are. There is no shame in honoring your marriage commitment. You have graciously given this man the space and freedom to find himself.

Personally, at this stage, I'd take great satisfaction in burning those Playboys. Seriously, a harmless way to get past some of the anger. Take them to the back yard and set them aflame.

What helps me is staying in the moment. It's not a magic cure, but it helps. Breathe deeply and just focus on what's around you in this moment.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

Much Love,

Heather


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
Bright,

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. I always enjoy reading your posts because you seem so authentic with your feelings. Be kind to yourself and remember that you are a great lady smile

Hang in there. You will be fine no matter what!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Hey Bright. The thing I was trying to get at, clumsily, is that you don't know. You have suspicions, dubious activity (on his part) and some nut that wants to be in your face.

It hurts, Bright. But it hurts more if you are analyzing things because right or wrong it hurts more. The problem is you may be wrong and hurting even more than you need to.

Been there, done that. Which is why I point out an alternative. Not that I'm right, but to point out that you can stop worrying about it and try to let that crazy slide by. Give yourself a break.

You be you. Let the rest take care of itself. That's a goal not an absolute. Something to work toward.


Be well, Bright!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
Hey Bright,

Don't beat yourself up over the roller coaster emotions. Just tighten your seat belt and hang on tight. When you are ready you will get off and just watch the ride go around and around. Or maybe even stop watching all together.

The vacation home you love, yeah that would be hard to give up, but unless you have to, really try to enjoy your time there with your friends and or make new friends at a new place if possible.

The mail, have you thought about getting it forwarded to H, requesting that he change his address for this mail so you don't have to deal with it? Or ignore it when it comes and put in away in a box that you don't have to see often and when and if your H requests the mail, then tell him he can come and get it, otherwise ignore that mail.

Keep the focus on you, GAL like crazy, Enjoy YOUR life.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Thank you, everyone. I feel better today. I was crazy busy at work and almost had no thoughts about H and what he’s been doing. Yay!
Originally Posted By: beatrice
It is finding strategies to deal with that hurt and rejection that takes skill, and part of it is feeling the emotions and acknowledging them.

Be kind to yourself, you are moving through this - you don't see it but others do.
Thank you, Bea for reminding me that I don’t have to be completely over it, that I still need some time to process. I’m glad to hear that you see that I’m moving through this. I need this affirmation, so it doesn’t feel like a ground hog day every day all over again…

Originally Posted By: job
Bea is right, your h, just like the others, is in La La Land and right now, it's all about making himself feel good.
Job, he is trying hard to make himself good, isn’t he… I’m actually waiting for him to ask for his mail to be sent… Otherwise, it could accumulate here for another month and longer... wink

Heather, thanks so much for a thoughtful post. I don’t how you find time to not just show up, but really make a point in your posts. I’m very grateful for that. Burning Playboys will probably not give me much satisfaction. I actually realized that I’m holding this Playboy mailings as a wild card, hehe. I think this will mess up with any OW’s head, except if she is the kind of this crazy woman, and even then…
Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle

I always enjoy reading your posts because you seem so authentic with your feelings. Be kind to yourself and remember that you are a great lady
GB, thanks for telling me this. Sometimes I think I don’t have a skill to write and express myself. It is still a challenge for me.

Originally Posted By: AJM
It hurts, Bright. But it hurts more if you are analyzing things because right or wrong it hurts more. The problem is you may be wrong and hurting even more than you need to.
AJM, you are right on this one. OMG, it is so true! I only have the suspicions. I don’t know for sure, but my imagination takes me places, ya know… This is my nature… I’ve always been like that… I need to stop that, I need to find the way to change it. I was actually pretty successful today. I was busy at work, but I also kept reminding myself that I don’t need to imagine things, because they might not true after all.

2BHappy, yes, I’m making new friends. But I also value the old friends, and this where it could be hard. Because they are H’s friends too. I think I came to piece with this and I don’t get upset when they do things for H.

So, back to the analysis paralysis, LOL. I just cannot help it… According to the credit card transactions, H drove to that state where this possible ow lives (6-7 hour drive), then came to my city (5-6 hour drive), did the race in the morning of July 4th, then drove to that state again on July 5th, stayed one night at the hotel, then drove back to the state where he works (6-7 hour drive again.) Of coarse he didn’t have time to pick up the mail here at my house, LOL. This sounds like freaky crazy to me…

Today I got a text from him enquiring about the check that he expected to arrive at PO box. I picked up the check before I left for the vacation home, but had no time to deposit it. H’s text came across like he was a bit annoyed. I never sent him an update about the check. This might be the reason for him being grumpy. He didn’t address me by my name, it was a just a dry, business-like text like he used to send 2 years ago. So, I replied with the same “attitude”, that I got the check, but didn’t time have to deposit it yet. He then sent another text (again without addressing me by name) asking me to let him know the amount and asked me to take a picture of that check and send it to him. It sounded like he was not in a good mood. So, I replied with “sure”. I sent the pic of the check a few hours later, when I had a quick lunch break at work. He replied with “thanks”.

So, I guess the boy is back into his grumpy moods. I wonder if that “special” night with this ow didn’t work out, hehe. Or… he is trying to prove (to himself first) that he is not friends with me and it is just strictly the business. It’s like a teenager trying to prove to his GF that he is not dependent on and has no emotional connection with his Mom, LOL.

Thanks again to everyone for your replies. You guys keep me in check.

Last edited by BrightFuture; 07/09/15 04:15 AM.

M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
Bright - First a comforting arm around your shoulder. I can so relate to the anxiety and over-analysis. I am learning to take a deep breath and focus on the facts which I do know. Try to live in this moment not the what-ifs or future what-ifs. I have been doing some work in mindfulness and meditating which has helped me alot.

True friends from the vacation home, will still be your friends regardless of who H is spending time with. If no one is treating you different at vacation home, please continue that part of your life because you love it!

You are a strong woman who has picked up and continued with life. Don't let his chaos distract your forward momentum.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Hey, dejavu, thanks for stopping by. And thanks for the comfort smile. I’ve been doing some meditation as well, not as much as I used to though. I need to get back to it.

Yes, the friends at the vacation home are still my true friends. I think I will have to win them over completely at some point, because of H’s actions. I think they like me better anyway, LOL.

What I mean by H’s actions… I forgot to mention, that my male friend spoke with H on the phone and asked him to tell that crazy woman to keep away from me. At that party on July 4th, this male friend was flipped (got a middle finger gesture) by that crazy woman. My friend didn’t say or do anything to this woman, so he thinks she did it because H spoke with her and told her what my male friend conveyed to H.

Plus, H is not a big “fan” of babies and toddlers. Soooo, I think my mutual friends are getting a little “annoyed” with H, I would say.

As for me, I’m feeling pretty good these days. I think I accepted the possibility of H having an ow now. I’ve been very busy at work, and it does help me to stay detached as much as possible.

Checked the bank account today and there is a charge… It is for another state county gmvt site. I’m thinking H got a speeding ticket in the town he was driving by on the way from my town to that town where the possible ow lives. Ha! It is a pretty significant amount for H, more than $200.

I also deposited his check yesterday. I also had my own check to deposit, from that side job that I’ve being doing for my former contracting company. I sent H a text this morning that I made a deposit for him. He replied right away thanking me and telling me that he appreciates it. Still not addressing me by my name though…

I’m looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow… I’m very tired. I hope everyone has a great weekend! Thanks for being my virtual friends!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
The mail you could return to sender unknown at this address.

Especially the play boy. wink then you never see it again.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
I hope it is not just about mail in my posts, sigh… I think I need to rethink what I post about the mail, I guess it comes across as the most important subject.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
Bright - I think the post simply suggested that it is something you might want to consider - not that it has taken over your life.

Maybe it is time (and only you can decide) to be a little less accommodating to your husband. Politeness is excellent, but having (part of) his mail still delivered to you needs re-visiting perhaps?

Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Bea, so, you are suggesting that I cut that last thing that still might connect me to H and him to me? It seems that this is what all the people here want me to do. Do I see it in a different light? Don’t I get something that everyone here tries to convey to me? I might as well just be completely done here. I might come to this conclusion on my own anyway. But, it is just so confusing to me. Do I have rose covered glasses on me? And people here just see what I cannot? I just have to cut every single piece of connection with H… because it is hopeless?... And then what?...

Back to my point… Why am I here? I’m looking for the support and validation that I cannot get from my friends and family anymore. I have to pretend with them. I thought I could put my real feelings here. But... I get the same kind of advice I already get from other people in my life. Cut it off… move on… live your own life… forget about H… don’t have bad feelings… move on… Sure, I can do that... When the time is right for me…


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
Bright - I am sorry that I upset you. Clearly our h still having some of his mail sent to you is very important to you. I didn't realise that, because that would not be important for me. We all see the world a little differently.

Please explain to me (and others who care about you) what we need to do to make you feel validated.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Bright, I understand what you are saying about the post. We have the opposite scenario, where H forwards my post to me. I've been thinking for a little while, I should arrange to get mail auto-forwarded to me, but I haven't done that yet. It is hard to cut some of these slender threads that maintain a link, I understand that.

As you say, our sitches are about far more than mail though!! So that's the last I'll say on the matter unless you want to talk about it further..the final thing I would say is that the links are there regardless of these slender threads that may break.

They are there in the love we have held for eachother, the life we have lived together, children we have and things we have shared. I don't think anyone on this forum will tell you to give up. What you choose to do at any stage of your journey is your own choice and we'll support and help and offer friendship along the way as travelling companions met on the road..

Take care, and I hope you're having a good weekend xx

Last edited by Toots; 07/12/15 08:59 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
I am actually hesitant to come here to post to you after your response to Bea's posting. However, not all of the advice and support that you get on your threads is going to be to your liking, but we are ALL trying to support you the best way that we can. As I suggest to many who get upset w/the responses to their posts, read the postings and take from them what you can apply to your situation.

When you come here and post about the mail and yes, those Playboy magazines, the impression that many of us probably get is that you are tired of gathering up and forwarding his mail to him. So, what do we suggest? We suggest that a change of address be put in for him if this mail situation is a thorn in your side. If receiving the mail and then forwarding it on to him is an aggravation and a painful reminder to you, then do something different. When you've had enough of the mail situation, you will do something about it.

Let's discuss the connections w/your h. You still have the business and rental home connections, which to me are far more important because you do have more interactions w/him on those things. These are strong ties that you have w/him and unless something changes, they will continue on as they have been. I find it interesting that you don't complain about them as much as you do the mail. Why is that? Is it because the mail is an every day reminder of him being gone?

There is no way to predict whether your situation is hopeless or not because no one truly knows what the future holds. It's okay to have hope, but that doesn't mean that you remain still. You have to continue moving forward. No one on the forum is saying forget about your H, but we are advising you to carve out a life for yourself and put your focus on yourself and your son. Why? Because no one can predict the future and no one wants to see you remain still. Life goes on and life is far too short to remain still. We want you to be a success and what if he doesn't return? You will have a stronger footing to handle that situation if it were to happen because you continued on w/your life. If he returns, that would be wonderful, but he will also find a stronger, more independent and happier woman that would be more than willing to share her life w/him once again because you went on to meet the challenges of life. Letting things go doesn't mean it's the end and that you are forgetting about him, but it means that you are moving on w/your life and living it to the fullest.

Now, I do want to touch on your last paragraph about support and validation from your friends and family. Bright, they want to see you happy and do not want to see you hurting. They want to see you move forward, live life and find happiness once again. Happiness doesn't mean a new man in your life, but the joy of living and experiencing new things. If you talk to them about your H and the things he does all of the time then I can understand why they feel the way that they do. It hurts to know that you can't open yourself up to them to talk about it, but after a while, especially when they see that it consumes your thoughts, they want to see the pain end. Whether you pretend around them or not, they know you well enough to know how you truly are. If they tell you to move on, you can nicely tell them that when you are ready, you will, but until then I will continue as I have been w/my marriage.

Bright, you have been a member of this forum longer enough to know that no one wants to see you hurting. We all want to see you thrive and be happy w/life and yourself. However, there will come a time when you will need to make some decisions about what is best for Bright, be it accommodating your spouse while he is off playing in the field of La La or whether you've had enough and begin to do things differently when it comes to accommodating his needs. But, the bottom line is this...we listen, we advise on what we read here and when we begin to see patterns, we suggest doing something different. Again, as I pointed out in the first paragraph, read the posts and take from them what you can use.

You, and only you, can decide when you've had enough.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
I've always been a fan of maintaining and building connections with our spouse. I also believe most of us have more power in the relationship than we know... especially in the common situation where the MLC'er doesn't really want a divorce.

You're tired of the stagnation of your sitch, Bright, and rightfully so. That's when we owe it to ourselves to try something new.

This "Something New" can be something with H, or something just for you that has nothing to do with him.

Personally, if I were you, I'd consider asking H for something. I don't know what, but I bet you could come up with something reasonable, that he would likely comply with. This is how you build on the connections you have. When he steps up, it will give you the encouragement to continue on.

If he doesn't step up (highly unlikely in my mind) you regroup and come up with a new plan, always moving, never stagnating.

You are a strong woman to have made it this far, Bright. You can do this!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Bea, you didn’t upset me. Your posts are very important to me. I think I just got frustrated that I cannot make my point across. I think the mail subject got out of control. I think my point is that because H has his mail sent to my house tell something about him not willing to cut that last tie. So, I will leave it at that, since obviously I cannot express all my feeling about that in the right way.

Toots, thanks for the kind words.

Originally Posted By: job
Bright,
I am actually hesitant to come here to post to you after your response to Bea's posting.
Job, this made me cry for a good 30 min. Even my dog left the room, because he could not handle that anymore. What is it that I said that was so horrible? I didn’t blame anyone, I just expressed my feelings. I will hold on to them next time, I will be nicer…

Yes, the mail is a reminder and also an indication that he cannot cut it yet either. And I actually posted a lot about the business and vacation home a lot too. The fact that my things are still at the vacation home, etc. Yes, the mail is simpler subject to resolve, I get it.

Job, I don’t talk about H with my friends and family anymore. I come here instead. And I don’t post all the positive things that happen to me either. I tend to post when I hurt. So, I don’t think that I agree that there is no moving forward in my sitch. But… I just think I’m just a bad poster. This is all it is.

Sorry everyone… I know that everybody frustrated/bored, etc. with my sitch… And I seem to not be able to make that final decision… Stupid me.., I’m hopeless, I admit it…

I don’t think I posted anything so bad to upset other people. I was just questioning my ability to convey my feelings and thoughts, and I think I suck at it…

FY, thank you so much. I always feel so much better after reading your posts. I just don’t think I can do what you suggest yet. I don’t feel H is open to anything like that. So, I just continue… On my own… I do realize that even people on this board are fed-up with my sitch.

And I appreciate all the responses. I’m sorry if I offended anybody. Sorry for the messed up post again.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Oh, yeah. I cleaned all the windows in the house today. Just I like I did 3 year ago… After the BD… When I was in disbelieve that it was happening to me… Different feeling this time… Or is it?...


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
Hi Bright,

I would not do a thing about his mail unless you feel you need to. My ex has not cut a lot of things. Her car is still registered in both our names. She has not changed where the tax bill goes. I still get calls and mail from the pharmacy, dentist, etc for her. I could make a big deal out of this but I don't. If and when I choose to I will, but for now leaving it alone leaves the door open to build some level of relation ship with her. I also consider it her little anchor to the world she knew and don't want to totally set her adrift. I suspect you feel the same way, so just keep doing what you are doing in relation to these ties. I do agree though that you may make some small demand of him to see if you can get a positive response and change things up a bit.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
I hope it is not just about mail in my posts, sigh… I think I need to rethink what I post about the mail, I guess it comes across as the most important subject.



I only felt I had some thing to add about the mail, I really don't feel qualified to comment on much more. You have been here far longer than I and seen far much more than I. I can do practical stuff.....


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
You are frustrated with your situation and it being stagnant, i.e., no real communication and/or movement towards reconciling w/your h. You are frustrated that people in the real world don't understand how you feel and why you aren't doing anything to cut the ties and you are frustrated w/the posters here because we continue to suggest things that you do not want to hear and/or do. I get it! That's why it's very important that you only take away from the postings what you can apply to your situation.

Again, no one is saying to give up and walk away. If something isn't working, then you try something different and that could mean trying to establish a dialogue w/your h to see where his head is at. You won't know until you try something different. It doesn't have to be a huge move because it could be a very simple text inquiring how he's doing or sharing something that has happened in your life recently.

Why not try a simple email or text message and inquire about how he's doing? It may just open the door for a bit of interaction. Bright, I'm going to put something out here for you to think about and I could be totally off base, but maybe your h thinks you don't care about him or what he's doing. Maybe things that he's been putting on FB could be to see if he would get a reaction out of you. Maybe he doesn't know how to open the door and step over the threshold to reach out to you because he knows he's done some stupid stuff and hurt you. Sometimes we have to take the first step to help them find a way back to us.

MLCers get comfortable w/the way things are going, especially if they are left alone to do their own thing. You've been a quiet individual and have not put any "demands" on him or his time. You've allowed him to go along his merry way and because of this, he's comfortable and happy w/how things are. He doesn't have a clue, or should I say, he doesn't care how you feel because he's on his own trip and enjoying life. MLCers do not think of anyone but themselves and what makes them feel good. You aren't happy and you are getting more and more frustrated w/how he's behaving and the little things that truly didn't bother you at first are now starting to bug you.

No one, as far as I can tell, is frustrated/bored w/your situation. Every situation is different and so are the people involved. There is no right or wrong way to handle a crisis situation, but there will come a time when you will need to decide to try something different to see if you get any type of reaction from the MLCer.

I care about you and see you struggling and I hope you take what I am about to suggest in the proper way as it is meant to be conveyed. Have you considered going to a support group for separated spouses or making an appointment to see an IC to discuss what has been happening in your world? The reason that I'm suggesting this is because you don't have anyone in the real world that you are discussing things w/and an IC or a support group can be a safe place to discuss what is going on w/you and your life. I'm not saying you are loony or depressed...just saying sometimes it helps to get things off your chest in a "safe" environment and you are not judged by what you do or don't do.

Bright, please think about what I've posted. Maybe it's time to open the door just a crack to see what's going on. It's time to think about doing something different. I know you are hesitant to try it, but what could it hurt to ask how he's doing?

Just my two cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
Hi Bright -- I've been away from the board for a while, but I wanted to post when I read your latest updates. Bright, I was separated for almost 2 years, with very little contact -- except his mail coming to the house -- for almost that entire time. (We changed nothing during that time though, kept joint bank accounts, etc., but lived separately, and he was with OW the entire time, and still is.) So, some similarities between our sitches. We even had a vacation home, too, which I had to give up. (He bought me out. I really miss it, but I plan to have my own little vacation home sometime in the future.)

I feel for you. I know what that waiting around feels like, and at times, it was pure torture. But when he finally did file for D, after almost no movement after 1.5 years, I was pretty stunned, and had to work really hard to come to terms with it, and then move out of the house we designed and built to live in together.

I moved about a month ago (and bought a house in the middle of the move!) and I just have to tell you -- I feel GREAT. I felt I had literally been relieved of a 20-ton weight on my shoulders. I had been carrying that around for SO long, I forgot what living free of that was like. I did not want the D, at all. But, now that I am free, I can live MY life, and I am actually...dare I say it...having FUN. I'm still sort of surprised by this! Even 6 months ago I would not have guessed I'd be as content as I am. But it's holding...that free feeling is hanging around, thank goodness. (Maybe a few promising dates have helped??!)

Bright, I think you are doing great, and you already have rebuilt most of your life without your H. You have already done most of the really hard work, dealing with the separation and creating your own life. It's already behind you. It sounds like you have a pretty good network of friends and family, and a nicely social work life.

I think Bright has loads of potential! I think you are approaching a point where you have to do something - ANYTHING - to make something happen. I felt that way about every few months, and so I just threw something out there to show the door was still open -- like Job has suggested. I think it's a great idea. The status quo is going nowhere, leaving you stuck. Get unstuck, Bright. Try something. You might be surprised how good it feels when there is SOME movement, in ANY direction. In my case, those things I threw out there didn't work, but I figure at least I tried everything I could think of, and I have no regrets with regard to how I conducted myself through those 2 years. You are frustrated, and understandably so. But YOU hold the key to changing it up. Give it a shot.

I wish you the best, and I hope things turn out the way you want them to. I'll post an update on my thread soon (even though I just kinda told you most of it!). :-D ((HUGS))

LiveNow


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture

FY, thank you so much. I always feel so much better after reading your posts. I just don’t think I can do what you suggest yet. I don’t feel H is open to anything like that. So, I just continue… On my own… I do realize that even people on this board are fed-up with my sitch.


You're welcome Bright, and thank you for being MY cheerleader!

You are stronger than you think, and have more power than you know.

If you make a move, ANY move, it'll be for you, not your H.

I know I always felt better when I took at least a BIT of control in my sitch. Said something, did something, or tried something. It didn't matter if it didn't always "work" the way I had hoped... There was movement! Action and excitement! SOMETHING.

I figure it's better to say/do something constructive before we blow our top and are triple done. Nothing good will come then. Our spouses deserve this. We can't wait until we're surprising them with papers!

Don't give up, Bright. Continue to stand for your marriage as long as you can... It's the nobel thing to do. But think, think hard of something new you can do.

When you do it will give you wings!

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 07/14/15 04:13 AM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
I typed half of the reply the other day and then lost it, sigh… Oh well…

Thanks every one. I really appreciate your thoughts.

Lifes Twists, it is good to know that I’m not the only one who is not doing anything more about separating stuff. I’ve been following your sitch (even though I don’t post much), and I’m so happy to see some “movements” in the right direction.

Ggrass, you’ve been here for some time too, I’ve read your posts and I think you are more than qualified to comment. I really appreciate you stopping by. I really didn’t mean to single out your post. Job is right, I was frustrated, so I reacted…

Job, thanks for coming back and posting to me. You are so right, I was/am frustrated. This goes in waves, and when it hits me, it hits me hard. I’m going to take your advice very seriously to only take away from the postings what I can apply for me. I don’t know if I can always follow it. I tend to get easily discouraged and also easily encouraged even after a small comment.

Job, your words about caring about me made me tear up. You have so much compassion and patience.

I’ve been thinking about IC recently. I just know it didn’t work for me in the past. I don’t want to join any D support groups. I cannot really explain why, but something inside me is very opposed to this.

LiveNow, I was so happy to read your update on your thread and here as well. I hope I’m where you are soon. I don’t know if I need to get a D for that and move to a different place. I don’t know if it will work me. I love where I live, even though there are memories here, I’m starting to replace them with new once. I think I consider this house my own now. And you are right, I’ve been doing pretty good in terms of having life, making friends, supporting myself and making plans for the future. I just cannot shake off that last piece of “connection”, it seems.

FY, as always, thanks for your support and words of encouragement. I think subconsciously I’m trying really hard not to give up. Something is preventing me from giving up… I will not know until I know…

Now, back what all of you said, about doing something different… about taking an action…
I’ve been thinking really hard about that. I actually did something different a few weeks ago when I sent H a cheerful e-mail when I sent him the company file back. I’ve got silence in response… It might have made him more distant again… Hence the dry texts after that. It might have correlated with his crazy trip to his home town, then to my town, back to his home town, and then to the state where he currently works. And, the potential ow with all that.

Originally Posted By: job
Bright, I'm going to put something out here for you to think about and I could be totally off base, but maybe your h thinks you don't care about him or what he's doing. Maybe things that he's been putting on FB could be to see if he would get a reaction out of you. Maybe he doesn't know how to open the door and step over the threshold to reach out to you because he knows he's done some stupid stuff and hurt you. Sometimes we have to take the first step to help them find a way back to us.
Job, I’ve been kind of thinking the same thoughts, that H thinks that I don’t care about him and that I have my own life now. Actually, I don’t see his FB timeline, he made it more private at some point, maybe after he discovered that I was on FB too.

I think you are right, even if he has thoughts of opening the door, he is probably too reluctant to make the first step. But… at the same time, I think he is just too stubborn to recognize his mistakes and do something about it. I think he will continue on his path to destruction…

Back to the point of me making any kind of move. I just don’t feel I can do it right now. I feel that I still have some anger to process and issues to deal with… within myself. I want to feel completely free when and if I approach H with any kind of message. In a way, I feel like I’m still hiding behind my and his inaction, if it makes any sense. I need to get rid of this frustration I’ve been having in order to have somewhat clear dialog with H. Does it make sense? I’m frustrated with myself too, because it seems I still cannot reach that point.

You all made me think… I will start looking into possibilities to do something… Truth darts… Reality check … Asking him how he is doing… etc… Thank you, thank you, thank you all again for your comments.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
Hi Bright,

Taming the wild MLCer is probably one the hardest things we will ever do. I feel you are doing the right thing. There are a lot of similarities in all MLCers which we can all share advice for. It is the subtle differences that can only be done on an individual basis. I have done small consistent changes these past few months that are paying off. Your idea to ask how he is doing is great, just be sure to do it consistently. At first he may not even respond. Don't give up. Eventually he will give a short response. That will then be followed by times where he will try and continue the conversation. That will be your clue it is working. I think that some MLCers need us to do the initiation so they can save face. It might be their stubbornness or that they are not people who ever initiates things comfortably. Either way, deep down they appreciate the effort on your part and will eventually respond. This, like everything else will have its push and pull, but will eventually work.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Thanks, Lifes Twists. I will think about it. I’m just not sure how this would be different from pursuing. Plus, I’m not really sure I want to be the initiator yet. Like I mentioned, I still have the anger and resentment, so, I’m afraid any step towards H will look fake.

On another note… Received a text from H yesterday about the money transfer. Addressing me by name again, with all the proper punctuation…


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
The opportunity to have a little bit of communication w/your h came knocking at your door yesterday. I would respond back w/a thank you and then ask how things are going. Then it's up to him if he wants to respond back. A very simple, short and sweet response.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
Bright - regarding taking a step toward cutting those last connections to H...there is one big difference between yours and my sitches...I was in your position for a year and a half, until H finally filed for D. HE took that final step and filed, and that meant I had no choice but to cooperate and go along with it. I was forced to sell, move, cut the last connections. I really don't know how long I would have waited before I took that step, maybe a few more months maybe? Not sure. Your H is still on the fence it seems. Mine was for 18 months. I started to push him a few times, wanting SOMETHING to happen, regardless of which side of that fence he fell on. I couldn't take the lack of movement anymore. I don't regret anything i did or said during that time.

If you are not ready to make something happen, then wait until you are. And it's likely you will be at some point. You are getting restless, and fed up. I know that feeling. So frustrating. It's hard to be the one to cut those connections. But one day, that might be the right thing for you.

Thinking of you...
LiveNow


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Job, you are so right… I didn’t even think about that at all. I guess this tells you how long I’ve been doing the “script” myself, ha. I’m so used to not rock the boat that this simple thought to ask H about how he is doing didn’t even cross my mind.

LiveNow, yes I see the difference now. Sometimes I think I need to start pushing H to do something, which would probably mean filing. I think actually I did it to some degree, even though indirectly, but through my mutual friends at the vacation home. In one of our conversations about that crazy woman (H’s so-called friend over there) I said that if I’m not able to come to the vacation home without any distractions from H’s friends and enjoy myself there, I will most likely take a step towards the D. Plus another thing I said was that I don’t want any other woman at the condo and if I find out about ow being at the condo, I will also file for D (pretty cruel on my part, I guess.) I said that in this case we will most likely lose the condo all together. Not sure if this will force H to make a decision, even if it will cost him the condo.

I thought that it was pretty stupid thing for me to say, but now I’m thinking that I was subconsciously trying to drive h to some kind of decision. I’m not sure if our conversation with mutual friends was communicated to H at all. I’m thinking that it was, because my male friends wanted to talk to h after that crazy woman approached me.

Anyway, I’m still processing all the recent posts to me. Like Job said, I need to take what applies to me and use what I can.

Sorry, I’m not able to post on other thread. The work is crazy right now, plus this other side project that I’ve doing takes the rest of my time these days. I also need to get ready for the vacation next week. I’m going to spend some time with my mutual friends while they and I visit some other friends (who we know from the vacation place) in another city. I’m going to spend a week with them.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Yeah, that "afraid to rock the boat" thing wears on you, and may not even be productive in any way.

Where as trying stuff allows you to at least feel like you have some control... Which you most certainly do!

I wouldn't look at it as pushing him to make a decision. I'm guessing you don't really need or want a "decision" right now.

Some movement would surely be nice though... like maybe more interaction.

We Gotta start somewhere.

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 07/17/15 04:04 PM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
Bright I feel you, want some type of decision to be made, either way.

I'm ready for my H to work on this M or get to moving, so I may be rocking our boat sometime very soon, at this point I don't think for me it matters the outcome, just need something to be done.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Thanks, FY and 2B. Seems like I am back to square one...
Sent a friendly text to H (at least I think it was friendly, I might be wrong here again). "Hi H, how is it going? I have mail for you. Where should I send it to?"

Soon... What do I in reply? Just the address and "Thanks" at the end. And then another one "Make it out to attn: H, company name". Just dry business like text.

He might be busy with work right now. But, if he would want to use a chance to open s conversation, he would find a couple of minutes for that. Just my opinion. He is either angry at me again, or angry at life, the world, etc...

It is Marry go round all over again. When I'm nice, he gets distant, when answer with the same, he gets nicer. I would think that after three years of separation he would be consistent in terms of communication, especially when it comes to me doing favors for him. Please don't read it as my complain about this stupid mail again. I just used it a temp check this time. And yes, I do have some "important" mail for him, which I need to forward.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
Don't get discouraged! I would try again another day and ask how things are going. Sometimes, they become very wary of us when we are nice because it's not the norm from us.

As you pointed out, he could have been having a rotten day or something was on his mind, but I most certainly wouldn't give up.

Try again another day and see what happens. If he still continues to act like a snitty little boy, then let it go.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Should have been “merry go round”, hahaha, silly iPad corrected this wrongly… Some other typos here as well… This is what happens when I post from the iPod at work, LOL.

Thank you, Job. As always, you have some comforting words for me.

As for this...
Originally Posted By: job
As you pointed out, he could have been having a rotten day or something was on his mind,
It could also be an ow that occupies all his mind. But, I did my best at this time. I will let it go for now.

I’m off to my short vacation tomorrow. Going to see my mutual friends from the vacation home in another city. They are staying with other friends who I know from the vacation home as well. It is going to be fun!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
Wow, that's a funny Freudian slip???! Enjoy your vacation, Bright!

LiveNow


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
Bright - Enjoy your holiday.

The idea that we want to stay connect to them even if by threads despite their lack of interest in us is something I don't understand. We have remained in relationships that most of our friends would have left ages ago, but we stay. You are not alone with your staying. I am told when the timing is right, I will know what to do next.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
Enjoy your weekend away and leave thoughts of your h and his crazy behavior at home. This is your weekend to relax and have fun.

Travel safely.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Thanks LiveNow, dejavu, and Job. I did enjoy my vacation. Mostly. There were a couple of episodes when H came up in the conversation and then I had a heated argument with my mutual friend on the last day before they left. (We drove back together and they stayed at my house for two nights.)

The people we stayed with are our friends who also have the house at the vacation home place. Some of their friends came with them to their vacation home a few times, so I knew most of the people who came for dinners and BBQ. We also visited other couple who also have a house at the vacation home place.

I got a couple of guys hitting on me, LOL (one single and one separated.) The separated guy is the brother of my mutual friend. His wife left him a few years ago and he is still very much hurting and talking about her all the time. I had a very uncomfortable moment with him, but we got it resolved. I told him that I am not looking for a R or any flick, plus I would not be involved in a R with somebody who is a family member or a close friend of my friends. At least this is how I feel now. I met this guy before multiple times, with H and after the BD. I don’t know why all of a sudden he decided that he liked me so much. I kept hearing about how nice of a person I am, LOL.

It was very relaxing vacation for me, because I didn’t have to do much, I didn’t have to decide where we wanted to go and what to do. Everything was organized, or we just did what we felt like. I didn’t check my e-mails or FB until Sunday, when I got a text from my GF here. She was asking me for a favor saying that she sent me an e-mail. When I open my e-mails, I had one from H. Well, I didn’t expect any e-mails from H any time soon. He sent me the company file (I didn’t ask for that) and asked me about why the QB showed different amount on checking account compared to the bank statement. He also said “I got the mail, thank you.” (his mail I sent him before I went on vacation.) Wow, a nice guy again…

I didn’t reply to the e-mail thinking that I would do it when I get home. I was on vacation after all! The e-mail was actually sent two days after I started my vacation.

Then I received a text from him asking me to send the company payroll info to an auditor from the insurance company. He had to get a workman’s’ comp insurance in that other state where he normally works. The text was on the last day of my vacation. By then I and my friends were back at my house. I replied that I would do it on the next day. Next day I received another text from him asking me if I’ve done any changes in QB, and if I did to please send him the updated file back.

So, it was not quite “H-free” vacation. He managed to remind me about him. WTF! I’m absolutely sure that he knew about my vacation from my mutual friends. After all, they drove his car. This was another thing that made me a bit sad. I had to drive the car on the way back, because it was an agreement that I would drive part of the trip, so we could make it in one day. I was ok with that, even knowing that they might actually drive H’s car. Which they did. So, it was kind of strange to sit on the passenger side of the car, and then drive it. I have to admit that some strange thoughts crossed my mind. At some point I felt like these three years after DB were just a dream, and in reality H just has been working in another state, that’s all. I was sitting in his car like nothing happened. Isn’t it weird?

Anyway, back to H’s contacts during my vacation… Maybe it was coincidence (even though I didn’t ask and didn’t expect the file back from him), maybe he heard the rumors that I was going to be introduced to my other friend’s brother smile (who is single), or whatever else was on his mind…

This is getting too long. I will have to do another post about my conversation with mutual friends and some other stuff.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
So… The conversation, or I would say a heated argument with my male mutual friend on the last day of my vacation…

The conversation started with my mutual friend telling me about H’s is planning to go to the vacation home on the first week of September. This got me by surprise… I asked him if it means he will be there for the Labor Day weekend. Because I didn’t expect H to go to the vacation home until November or December. The guy has to work to make the living!

I was kind of upset about the news, because I already planned the trip to the vacation home with my other GF who is supposed to fly from another state. She was asking me about the dates and was ready to buy the tickets.

So, one word after another (mind you we had a few drinks by then), the conversation became very heated. This crazy woman at the vacation home was mentioned too. My male friend said that if I want to come over for the Labor Day weekend he will find a good rental place for me. I said that it is not what I want. In combination with that crazy woman getting in my face when I’m there, plus me not able to enjoy my place over there when I make plans (I don’t make plans in the winter BTW, when I know that H is there), I said this is not going to work for me anymore. My male friend told me that he had a conversation with H about the condo and the crazy woman trying to decorate it and do things for H in there. My male friend told H to stop that, because it will end in an ugly way. He said that H mentioned that maybe in this case he will need to file for D. So, why he hasn’t filed yet?

The subject of D was mentioned a few times and I was accused of trying to leave H with nothing. My male friend obviously trying to protect H. And it didn’t sit with me too well. I said things that I should not have said… Oh well… This is all going to be passed onto H… At the same time, my male friend kept telling me that what H did is not fare to me, that he hurt me big time and he (my male friend) understands what I’ve been going through, and he still doesn’t understand why H did what he did. Then he said that I’ve change so much in the last three years, for the better, and that H changed to… But my friend is not sure that it is an improvement for H, LOL.

I told him that at this point I don’t care if H is left with nothing (which could happen even without me doing anything, he just needs to file for D himself), I only want what I want. In this case, to use my vacation home, which is BTW is not H’s place, we still have a mortgage on both our names. H decided that he didn’t want the house, he wanted the vacation home. All this was H’s choice. I didn’t have any say in what he decided to do with his (and my) life. So, I don’t want to be responsible for the consequences of H’s choices.

I wish I would not get involved in that conversation at all. But… what is done, is done…

My male friend told me that he would call H and ask him about his exact plant for Labor Day weekend. He also said that he would try to find me a place to stay. Well, I decided that this doesn’t need to be done through the 3-rd party. So, when I e-mailed H the updated company file a couple of days ago, I told him about my plans and asked him to let me know if there would be any issue with us (me, my GF and my dog) staying in the condo. I’ve got dead silence from him…

Sorry for the ramble. I’m going to the vacation home next weekend with my sister and her kid. I guess I will find out more about H’s plans then.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Still no word from H about the vacation home on Labor Day weekend. I told my GF to start looking for a plane ticket.

And just for another amusement… My first xh sent me an invite on LinkedIn smirk


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 143
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 143
Hi BrightFuture.
What drama?!

I'll be praying for you. For wisdom in dealing with H and all your friends - especially your male friends.

Funny how the amusing idea of ex's come along when least expected.

I know everything will work out for you. You are so strong! I do admire how you can stand your ground even in the midst of all the craziness.

Vacation home or not...stay focused my friend. You need that getaway! :-)

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28!!!!

Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Vge, thank you so much for stopping by and giving me some encouragement.

I’ve so busy with work and the side work recently, that I barely have time to read the threads, not talking about posting my thoughts…

I have make some effort now to remember what I wanted to post. My interaction with H is not so exciting (meaning stressful) anymore, so I just forget the details and have to go back and read the e-mails and texts again.

So, I was almost sure that my mutual friends already talked to H and told him what I said about the vacation home and the whole situation. I was expecting H to get mad and become rude again. I received an e-mail yesterday with the updated file (which I asked for for an audit today.) It that e-mail it was just a file attachments without any word, just like he would do at some point two years ago. I immediately thought that we were back at square and he started to treat me like I’m nothing again.

Then I opened my other e-mail account, from which I forwarded the info about the audit to him. He replied nicely on that one (addressing me by name and signing his name), answering my questions and wishing me luck with the audit and telling me that he would have his phone on (in case I needed to contact him for any questions.)

I had an auditor at my house at the scheduled time. It turns out that the audit was triggered by an inconsistency of a quarterly return form that I submitted in 2013. I missed one line and didn’t fill the number in. No wonder… I was under a lot of stress back then. I’m surprised I didn’t make more mistakes and didn’t miss any deadlines. The auditor didn’t find any other problems and said that we are fine and don’t have to worry about anything.

I was driving to work a half and hour after the end of the appointment, and H texted me, asking how the audit went. I replied that it was good and they didn’t find any issues. He replied “Awesome, congratulations on good bookkeeping!” I replied with some details about my mistake on the form which caused the audit and inserted some light humor in there, with smiley faces.

I got no reply to that. So, my experiment trying to engage him in more conversation failed. I don’t think he wants it. He is not ready. Or, he didn’t know how to reply. A few min later I received another text from him asking me if I had to make any changes to the QB. I replied that I did not. The end.

Sooo, just like Wonka posted on Cali’s thread, this is just plain business for H.
The good thing is that he didn’t get into nasty/indifferent mood, and I still got to go to the vacation home, as planned!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Obviously, I’m not following all the good advice posted to me… Cannot overcome the resistance to open a line of communication with H. Or… just don’t have enough imagination… I feel stupid today…


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I would send him one more email asking about the vacation home and keep the request simple. State that if you don't hear from him by a certain date, you are going to assume it's okay.

Obviously, he had other things on his mind like the business that took his focus off your question. They can't focus on too many things at once. Now that the audit is over, send him the request. He may very well answer.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Bright,

How are YOU even close to being stupid???????!

Where would your H be without you for the past few years while he has been on his adolescent sabbatical? With the audit? With his housing situation? With his bills?

He!!, even with his dam mail?

I've been thinking this for awhile now... off and on, here on the boards, you get sensitive and sometimes downright angry with posts. OR, you drift into hating yourself for not being where you think you should be or not doing this or that or not getting a response.

Take what you want, leave the rest...

We've been privy to our deepest, most intimate thoughts and feelings for the good part of 2-3 years now.

I think you are angry because you have done all the DB stuff. YOU have handled it like a pro and stepped away and allowed him his space and not pressured and done it ALL THE WAY IT'S SUGGESTED/ADVISED... I think you're angry because you did it all the way you're supposed to and you haven't gotten the response you wanted.

And, after sacrificing so much and being so supportive and following the advice... he still may cheat.

The bottom line Bright: There's not a dam thing you can do or not do that will change this crisis for him. YOU could stand on your head naked in the town square and he will continue on his merry way without even taking notice.

You didn't cause this. You can't control this. It's his crazy to get through and he will continue to push through it no matter if you follow the suggestions on here to perfection.

If my years with Smokey have taught me anything... it's that some individuals have a destiny with crazy and they will stop at nothing to complete whatever agenda they feel they need to complete... bar none, no matter if you are Sophia Loren with all the charms of the most perfect Aphrodite.

Cut yourself a break.

I think you are confusing the "final cut" with the big D. Maybe the final cut is more about you cutting him loose, completely to seek his own whatever.

I still see you so invested in everything he does. From his mail to his weekend antics. I know his brand of MLC has given you some hope and you've even heard words of encouragement about the marriage on here. That doesn't mean things can't still be salvaged. There's always hope. But, you seem to continue to hold yourself back from living a life free of him...

I KNOW!! YOU aren't embracing the woman you really are because you are still invested in the man he IS. Today, he is a d-bag. YOU are the prize. You are an incredibly together woman who has handled this with such grace and dignity.

I would have burned those stupid Playboys months and months ago... in a bonfire, along with anything he left in the house and I'd take a selfie to send to him with a bottle of wine showing me dropping the Playboy into the flames. :-) But, that's MY crazy.

At some point, you need to leave him to his crazy without allowing it make YOU feel stupid about yourself. That's just adding self-abuse to the list of insanity HIS CRAZY has caused in your life.

Maybe I just wrote that all to myself?


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Job, I will probably do it, after this weekend. I’m going to see our mutual friends. I’m sure they are going to fill me in about this… The way I asked him the question was kind to just let him know about my plans and to let me know if there is any conflict with his. Since I didn’t get any reply about this, I take it as there is no conflict and I can use the condo.

Heather, thank you so much for your post. I do need 2x4 sometimes, even though I disagree sometimes.
Originally Posted By: LoisB
I think you are angry because you have done all the DB stuff. YOU have handled it like a pro and stepped away and allowed him his space and not pressured and done it ALL THE WAY IT'S SUGGESTED/ADVISED... I think you're angry because you did it all the way you're supposed to and you haven't gotten the response you wanted.
You are absolutely right about this.
And this:
Originally Posted By: LoisB
The bottom line Bright: There's not a dam thing you can do or not do that will change this crisis for him. YOU could stand on your head naked in the town square and he will continue on his merry way without even taking notice.
Sometimes I think that I need to stand on my head for me, to get me out of this sitch.

I think the final cut and big D are actually same thing for me. I’m not sure how else I need to cut him loose. The only things that cause any communication are the things that would get handled with D, like joint property, business, accounts, insurance, etc.

Originally Posted By: LoisB
I still see you so invested in everything he does. From his mail to his weekend antics.
Well, I don’t know if I’m invested. I post this because there is not much to post otherwise. I have a house that I can afford, I have a job that I like, I have family, great friends, I can travel, if I want to, I am still in good health... But, I’m still grieving. So, I’m here to get some support and encouragement to help me through this process. And H is still in my thoughts. I don’t know if I ever going to be able to get rid of these thoughts. This is why I post things I post (mail, his antics, etc.). When I don’t get much response I feel that all this is so stupid and I should not post unless I have some very insightful things to say. I’m not so good at it.

Originally Posted By: LoisB
I KNOW!! YOU aren't embracing the woman you really are because you are still invested in the man he IS. Today, he is a d-bag. YOU are the prize. You are an incredibly together woman who has handled this with such grace and dignity.
Thank you, Heather. I will have to think about your first statement here. I think you brought up a very interesting point that could be the reason why I’m still where I am.

Another thing I want to mention, about me getting angry and sensitive with the posts. I cannot recall specific posts, but I know that I do get sensitive when people who just randomly pop up and without even knowing my sitch, give me some cliché advice. I’m very intuitive, so I feel when it is fake. If it comes at the time when I’m not feeling too good, I do respond with some sensitivity and even anger, like you mentioned. I’m trying to be nice though. Maybe I should not respond at all, if I cannot explain what I feel.

Well, it is now confirmed that the woman on the FB picture posted on that weekend when he was in my town, is actually the woman I was thinking about. I’m not invested… Just the fact… And the possibility of her being an OW which could create another implication with all our mutual friends. Do I need to lose all the friends who know both of us? Why he cannot stay away from the relationships with friends and family members?


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
If you can manage to be friends w/the people who are friends to both you and your h, then you don't need to lose them. However, conversations between you and those particular friends about your h, what he's doing, etc. need cease. The old saying goes "a dog that brings a bone, will carry a bone". What is going on between your h and you needs to remain w/you and I would definitely not want them discussing the availability of the condo w/your h so that you can go there.

Bright, I know you enjoy being around your friends, but you've got to start coming to terms that if they are telling you stuff about him, then it stands to reason that they are doing the same thing w/him. Keep your conversations on fun things and not on discussions about him or your relationship.

As for FB, I know you are curious, but it's not doing you any good looking at his stuff. All it does is make you frustrated and discouraged and yes, it is on your mind at different times.

I worry about you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Sorry if I overstepped Bright.

My emotions are all over the place right now. The prospect of finally being free of this crazy is appealing and makes me sad all at once.

You got this.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
Hi Bright,

The communication thing is fairly normal where you are in this process. I too did not have much convoe on anything other than about the Divorce till it was finished. For some, like yours and mine, the divorce is a total fixation of theirs and nothing else matters till it is done. After the divorce there was basically no conversation at all. It took about four months and things started to change. I can't say this will be the same in your situation. Nor can I say what the final results will be. Just continue to be who you are or who you are becoming. Be real and kind to your self. Be positive about life and you. Things have a way of working out for the best.

Nothing that is posted here is stupid. You chose when to post and when not to. People may respond or not. I know how you feel that if no one replies then it is just stupid that you posted. I think that everyone reads the posts and don't tend to post unless they have something insightful to add. I sometimes feel just a simple hello or keep going is enough. So, keep posting what ever you feel you want to post. It is more important for you to get it out in the open as it is for others to comment.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
Life Twists is right about the communications situation being fairly normal. Sometimes they will pop out and text/email and other times, they just completely disappear until they want or need something from you.

Freedom is a total fixation for them. If they can have their freedom w/o pressure from the spouse, then they usually go along their merry way and will not push for a divorce. However, if you push the issue, divorce will come up and it's their only "excape" from what they think is holding them back to living their new life. Sometimes, after a divorce, they want to be friends immediately and then there are those who need plenty of time for the tarnish to set in on their "new lives" before they realize that they want to be friends w/us...but I caution the readers...friends to them doesn't have the same definition as what we would classify as true friends. Whatever should happen, things will and do work for the best. I didn't think my situation would work out, but it did and I am enjoying life w/o the worry of what he's doing, who he's with and what expenses will be coming my way that I would have to worry about paying because of his spending.

As for posting, that's up to you. But keep in mind, many of us read your postings and sometimes we don't post because we do not have anything to offer at that time. In my case, I sometimes think you are just journaling and I step away until something you post sends up a red flag. As Life Twists pointed out, it is more important for you to get it out in the open as it is for others to comment. I do want to add one more comment, posting here is a safe environment, whereby no one is going to take your postings and run to your h and tell him what you said or doing.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Thank you Heather, Job and Life Twists.
Heather, no need to apologize. I’ve been keeping up with your updates and I keep being amazed how much you’ve accomplished. And yes, these resent events… with Smokey expressing some feelings, regrets, or whatever they are… I can see how it can be confusing for you. I would through me off the path too.
Life Twists, thanks for giving me some perspective on things after the D and for your kind words regarding my “stupid” posts.

Job, thank you so much for still being here for me. Sometimes I’m afraid that after one of my posts you would stop replying to me. You are right, I need to stay away from FB, checking H out. And with mutual friends… I did pretty well this last weekend, except one thing, which I’m posing later.

Last weekend was actually not as relaxing as I expected. The first day was good. Then I had an anxiety for whatever reason. My sister made some comments about how I need to find another vacation spot, so I would not have to be connected to H… About how my mutual friends are just using me for their purpose and they are not really stand by me… blah, blah, blah… I know she is trying to protect me, but I really didn’t need this kind of opinion.

At the same time, I’m starting to realize that what she says could be actually true. I did feel a bit uncomfortable at the condo this time. After my mutual friends told me that H wants to decorate the condo to make it feel like his own, I realized that this could change the situation. I just feel like I’m waiting for another shoe to drop… After confirming that he brought that woman to my city on the 4th of July... I think he wants to change things in the condo, so he could bring a woman there.

I was not able to talk to my mutual friends much last weekend, because my sister and her son were there with me. The only thing I was able to gather is that H asked which GF I’m planning to bring with me, and after he found out, he said that he knows her (she was my GF when I and H met, there is some history there…) and he likes her and he wants me and her to stay at the condo. So, he is going to figure out his accommodations for that weekend. This means he is coming to the vacation home on the same weekend. And this time, I’m not sure I like it. When before I would welcome that, thinking that we could cross path somewhere and I would have an opportunity to interact with him. This time, I’m not happy with this. I want to have a relaxing weekend and I don’t want any distractions.

This is where the weird part comes. I’ve been feeling that knot in my stomach again, just like I felt during the first 6 month after BD. I don’t know why I feel this way now. Maybe I’m sensing the end of this… Like I said, I’m waiting for another shoe to drop. I don’t what it is yet… Is it him bringing that woman to the condo… Or him filing for D… I don’t even know if what I feel makes sense anymore.

OK, I’ve been all over the place with my thoughts. I haven’t even expressed half what I’m feeling… Maybe tomorrow I will get another shot at this. Or, maybe not tomorrow… We are having a company event at the ball park tomorrow, with drinks and food provided… Should be a lot of fun!

Job, thanks for pointing out that posting here is the safest way for me to express my feelings. I feel that I still need this, that this is the only place where I can get some support, no matter what. Thank you all for being here and for all your posts.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
Bright
Just wanted to pop in and say Hello.

I use this board to post just about anything to get my feelings out here in a way that I don't explode at home on H, or slip into depression over this MESS!

Your mutual friends and the vacation home,,,I think these things are hindering your de-ttached to your H, then maybe otherwise....
MAYBE not, that place should be all about relaxing and having FUN.

If you both share that place, those friends. You will need to work with your H on when you will be there, so you will not be there at same time, and with your friends I would stop all conversations about your H your M, I would NOT tell them much of anything, and I will tell them that you don't need to hear about your H. They need to realize they are in the middle and they need to basically mind their own business and stay out of yours as it concerns you and your H.

That is just my 2 cents.

Hang in there, I think you are doing GREAT!!!! Our emotions will be all over the place so will our posts at times, it's OK, don't apologize for being emotionally and feeling confused about all of this.

Heck, I love my H, and I want a great M, but right now I don't have that and might not with H ever again,,,so of course that is an emotional situation.

Feel those emotions, to get them out to process them, and POSTS away like a mad woman and keep it moving.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Hi Bright! I was going to just randomly pop up and give you some cliché advice, but decided to just say Hi instead. You got this!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
Hey Bright - Boy do I ever remember feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop -- for two years straight -- as H kept 'threatening' to file for D. When he finally did, I felt overwhelming sadness, anger, but also a great deal of relief, that I wasn't the one to end it, but that I could finally start moving on with MY life, like he had with his. No idea what's going on in your H's head right now, but I get where you are coming from, Bright. Things will work themselves out. It won't always be like this.

Contemplating the loss of the vacation home is really tough. I lost mine in the D (he bought me out), and that's probably one of the hardest parts of this! I'll have another (albeit small) one someday...

Hang in there Bright, and do whatever it is you have to do - for yourself - to make the life you really want. If you don't quite know what that is right now, it will come in due time.

Happy Friday, you social butterfly!
LiveNow


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
2BHappy, thanks for popping in! And for the advice! I know that I need to take care of that “friend situation” somehow. The vacation home provided me with some sense of connection for three years after the BD. Now I feel that it might actually become an obstacle, preventing me to move on. I don’t know… I will have to see… and feel…

I can say the same, that this board keeps me from going into a full depression, while friends and family sometimes contribute to my depression without realizing it.

Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
Hi Bright! I was going to just randomly pop up and give you some cliché advice, but decided to just say Hi instead. You got this!
FY, you made me laugh! Thanks for randomly popping in and not giving me some cliché advice, LOL. By the way, your advice is never cliché.

LiveNow, thanks for understating and for sharing your feelings. It is good to know that there is a relief at the end of this. I think I kind of know that. It is just getting so tiring to wait for this d@rn shoe to finally drop. Yes, the idea that I would not be able to go to the vacation home upsets me. I’ve thinking so hard trying to find an alternative solution to this. I hope I will find one. The worst case scenario is that I will have to pay for a rental. The thing is that H will probably not be able to buy me out, so we could just lose the condo all together. Oh well, it was his choice to take it this far.

I smiled at your comment about me being a social butterfly . This was (and is) H’s thing. I thing I evolved into this without realizing it. I think I just opened up and started enjoying socializing, contrary to my upbringing and my parents’ life style. I still feel overwhelmed sometimes and want to retreat into my private space, but it not as a daunting and exhausting thing anymore. I guess I have to thank H for this!

So, the company field trip at the ball park was great! After the game a few of us went to a bar and had a few more drinks and some food. Yesterday there was a company sponsored happy hour for a couple of people who got promotions. Oh boy, do I work for the right company, or what, LOL!

I’m having a relaxing night tonight. Sort of… I have house guests. My GF’s daughter and her boyfriend. They arrived yesterday at midnight. They are here just for a few days. They will doing their own stuff during the day, and will just come to my house to sleep.

This is another thing that is different in my life. I used to be very stressed about people visiting and staying at my house. Now, I’m more relaxed and causal. I did go to the grocery store yesterday to buy some food for them for breakfast, even after my GF told me not to worry and just let them get their own food. I thought that it would be more convenient for them to have breakfast at the house, and then they can do whatever during the day. They were very appreciative. This is one thing that I grew up with, to always make sure that people staying with me do not go hungry. In this country it is more of a convenience than necessity. But… still… I like to do that.

Tomorrow is the Day, LOL. Expecting a text from H about the money transfer… I’m glad he’s been so consistent with this.

Have a great weekend, everyone!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Need some advice. As expected I received a text from H about the money transfer, starting with “Hi Bright”. He then asked me what days I’m planning to go to the vacation home on Labor day, so he could make alternative accommodations (I assumed for himself…) I replied also addressing him by name, thanking him for the money transfer and then telling him about the dates I'm planning to be at the vacation home. I ended the text with “I appreciate it a lot!”. (meaning him making the arrangements and letting me to stay at the condo.) He replied right away with “Ok I will figure it out”.

Here is what went through my head. First I thought “Yes, you do that”, kind of feeling a bit bitter that I even have to “listen” to this. Then I thought about offering him some money. Then I thought “no”, he has lots of friends over there who he puts before everything in his life, so he can ask one of them to let him stay at their place and it will not cost him any money.

And then, after this brief rush of anger went through my head, my thoughts changed. I thought about how nice of him to do this for me. I don’t know if there is any specific reason he is doing it, or he is just trying to avoid a potential confrontation and unpleasant feelings over this, or he genuinely wants to do me a favor. I think that the last reason kind of wins, maybe because I knew him as a generous man before and I want to believe that he still is (even after he treated me like an enemy at some point.) BTW, my sister would choose a different reason, telling me that he has some agenda here...

So, I am contemplating to send him another reply thanking him again. But something (maybe common reason) stops me from doing this. Just want to hear some opinions about this. Yes, I know I’m overthinking this again. But, this is what I feel, which contradicts with what I logically think. I think I’m confused. If I reply, it could make it too apologetic on my side. If I don’t reply, it could look like I’m a b!tch who doesn’t care about his plans (which is actually true, LOL)


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
Hi Bright - I think you could just leave it as is. If you really want to respond again, just a simple 'Thanks' would do it. If you don't reply, I don't think it makes you look like a B. ;-) You're just living your life. Keep being awesome, Bright!


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
Tomorrow is the Day, LOL. Expecting a text from H about the money transfer… I’m glad he’s been so consistent with this.


^^^ This is wonderful! Being thankful for the good things in our life will bring us peace and contentment... and help carry us through the rough times.

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture

So, I am contemplating to send him another reply thanking him again. But something (maybe common reason) stops me from doing this. Just want to hear some opinions about this. Yes, I know I’m overthinking this again. But, this is what I feel, which contradicts with what I logically think. I think I’m confused. If I reply, it could make it too apologetic on my side. If I don’t reply, it could look like I’m a b!tch who doesn’t care about his plans (which is actually true, LOL)


You have a good heart, Bright.

You guys don't correspond much, so I would not make a special reply about it. After all, you did already thank him. But thanking him again at your next regularly scheduled text episode would be appropriate. Everyone likes to receive thanks! smile


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Thanks LiveNow and FY! I ended up not sending any reply back.

FY, I’m very grateful that H is not a monster MLCer, in spite of what he did was very hurtful and still is.

I’ve been having feeling a great deal of anxiety, and then some moments of depression. I’ve trying to keep doing things, keep going… But, sometimes I feel that I have an insurmountable task ahead of me.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Hi Bright- like many others, post BD I trolled the forum for a while before I began to post. I regret it! I thought I was learning so much from reading of others' situations and I did, but by not posting I also missed many introspective opportunities. It is amazing to be able to go back and re-read.

You got this!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Found out today that H contacted our other friends from the vacation home regarding Labor Day weekend. These are the people I stayed with a few weeks ago on my vacation. They let him stay at their vacation home place a few times before, when I was at the condo at the same time. This time they refused to let him stay, saying that they don’t allow people to stay at their house without them being there any longer. This is interesting. They were always so accommodating to everyone.

So, my first reaction after learning about this… I feel so guilty that I’m putting H in this situation. I was almost ready to change my plans and not go to the vacation home. I feel sorry for H that he has to ask people for favors. I’m just surprised that he is not able to find any other option over there, after him bragging about how many friends he has over there. What about that crazy woman house? Well, I suppose she will have her kids (who are at college in the city where I live) spending the weekend with the parents. Still, would not she had a place for him, especially when she is so involved in his life, LOL?

I felt so unsettled the whole afternoon after these news. I’ve been trying to identify the root cause of these feelings. Do I truly feel guilty and sorry for H (he got rejected, I know how it feels), or am I scarred that he is going to come back to me and say that he will not let me stay at the condo because he cannot find the accommodations for himself, hence I’m fearing rejection. Or, is it that this situation tells me that I need to re-evaluate the condo situation as a whole. Am I too selfish to still wanting to go there? Do I need to back off and let H live his life without me interfering? I think it all comes down to feeling sorry for H. Does he feel that I’m holding him hostage in this? By still using the condo and showing at the place where his friends are? I feel like I am a bad person. And I still don’t understand why H hasn’t cut that cord yet and didn’t ask me to remove my stuff from the condo and find a different arrangements. He’s been playing nice for whatever reason. And I feel guilty.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Bright, as you say above - does the situation tell you that you need to evaluate the condo situation as a whole....

Many of your posts are about the condo - who is there and when, friends and the impact on them. Is it because it is the primary link that remains with your H just now?

If you were to re-evaluate the condo, what would the options be do you think?

S xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Hey Sotto, thanks for stopping by. Yes, the condo and all that surrounds it (mortgage, friends, etc.) is the biggest link, besides the business that we still own together. This vacation place has been a very convenient emotional outlet for me, where I was able to relax, spend some time with my friends, etc. I went there because I needed to disrupt my every day routine here, get a bit unstuck. I love that place, I love going to the sea with my dog, I love collecting clams… I felt pretty good over there in terms of being able to do my own things without crossing path with some of the H’s friends, except our mutual friends of course.

I think part of this was also feeling this connection to H. And also, the familiarity and convenience. I was not very willing to go to this place myself before BD. I overcame the fear of traveling alone, which I’m very proud of. But, it is mostly about this place. I’m still very hesitant to go somewhere new without a companion. So, the thought that I will not be able to go to the vacation home and stay at the condo is very upsetting.

By “re-evaluate” the condo situation I mean a couple of things. First, if I don’t feel comfortable there anymore (this crazy woman in my face, H wanting to redecorate and make it look like His place, bringing an ow over there), then maybe I need to stop going there. This would mean not seeing my friends who live there and the once who come for the vacations. Second, if I decide to not use the condo anymore, I will probably need to file for D or separation. This would be the only way to divide the assets. This could mean losing the condo all together. I doubt that H will be able to refi it on his name. Plus there are lots of complications when it comes to paper work, since the property is in a foreign country.

Maybe I’m overcomplicating the whole thing. Sorry for being boring again. I’ve been trying really hard to express my feelings and thoughts. Not sure if I succeeded.

Have a great weekend everybody.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
This is the perfect opportunity to get a better glimpse of where your H is right now.

Stop guessing what is going on in his head over the condo situation.

DON"T change a thing or contact him regarding it. Let him come to you and see what he says.

^^^My opinion only... batteries not included, action figures sold separately.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
You are trying to figure out what is going on you h's head and you can't because he doesn't know what he wants either. Redecorating the condo is something that he may think will make him feel better. Why? Because it will change things up for him, but this won't help w/his depression either. They want things to change and they will do everything humanly possible to make those changes happen, but at the end of the day, nothing will work.

Now, about his friends not accommodating him during the Labor Day Weekend...that's on them. It's their home and if they don't want to extend an invite to him, that's their business. Maybe something has happened that they aren't in agreement with. Maybe they don't like the behavior your h is exhibiting right now...but again, that's between them and it's not your problem to worry about. They will work it out when the time is right. You shouldn't feel guilty about using the condo that weekend.

BTW, I also agree w/ForeverYoung...don't change a thing and do not contact him regarding the condo. Leave it be. If he gets in a pinch, he'll contact you about it.

Keep your focus on you and your family. Focus on the things that you do have control over and let the rest of the stuff go.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Correction to the first line in the first paragraph:

"You are trying to figure out what is going on in your h's head...."


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
FY, what do you mean by this? Do you mean to see what he does about it himself?
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
This is the perfect opportunity to get a better glimpse of where your H is right now.


Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
DON"T change a thing or contact him regarding it. Let him come to you and see what he says.

Originally Posted By: job
BTW, I also agree w/ForeverYoung...don't change a thing and do not contact him regarding the condo. Leave it be. If he gets in a pinch, he'll contact you about it.

FY, Job, thanks for this. I didn’t say anything to him so far.

Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
^^^My opinion only... batteries not included, action figures sold separately.
Hahaha, I would not mind the batteries coming with this… It would mean that I could hear these words over and over again, LOL.

Job, I found out about the friends who would not let him use their house. It is not about him. They started doing this with everyone asking for accommodations. I know H offered to pay for the utilities, but it is not about that. They just don’t want to let anyone to stay there, period. Whatever reason they have for that. Who knows…

As for the condo redecoration, I think he wants to do it so he could start brining women (his dates) there. Right now it has my signature there too, even though we decorated it together.

A couple of not so pleasant updates. According to the CC chargers, H drove to that state again, where this woman (potential ow) lives. He is either very desperate to get this woman or hates the place he works at right now (which is actually very likely). The drive is about 7 hours one way.

I got into a heated discussion with my sister and her H on Saturday. They were telling me again what I need to do and how to live my life. The discussion started with me mentioning that I don’t know what to do with the storage shed I have in the backyard. The bottom part of it is rotting and falling apart. H built that shed himself. So, now I have to deal with it. My sister started telling me that I need to get rid of it, then that I need to clean my garage, because I start looking like my Mom with all that sh!t accumulating, and that H is not going to come back EVER to fix the things. And that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and finally divorce him, and I need to do blah, blah, blah… I just shared my concerns about the storage shed, I don’t think I was even sounding like a victim. But… maybe I did. In any case, I really didn’t appreciate this attack on me again, so I told them that I didn’t want to hear this anymore, got up and walked out.

So, maybe now I’m not even going to be invited for dinners anymore. I’ve lost another one of my support group. So, this site is the only thing left for me to vent and share.

On the positive side, I did 4 mile run on Sunday. With my BIL, H’s brother (who actually didn’t run, but joined us over there), and a couple of his friends (one them is also my friends on FB.) The only sad thing about this was that I learnt that my BIL split with his GF (the one that H didn’t like and said that she would not last long), who lived with him. She was moving out this past weekend. The reason my BIL gave me - that he just was not happy anymore… Sounds familiar..? They were together for almost 2 years.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
You can't put your life on hold. If your storage shed is rotting and falling apart, then tear it down and get rid of it. You don't want termites becoming a next door neighbor. If your h returns, he can build a new one, but the old one sounds beyond repair, so get rid of it. It if will help, take a photo of the shed for memory sake and then get rid of the shed. Your yard will look much nicer when it is all said and done, you'll be far happier not looking at it going down hill.

As for the garage, in time, you'll get the clean up bug and start looking at the stuff in there. I know you don't want to deal w/it because much of the stuff probably belongs to your h, but at some point, you will need to address the stuff. One of the things that I have found is that getting the stuff up off the floor and on to shelves helps me deal w/what to keep and what to toss out.

Bright, your family wants to see you move on w/your life and be happy. Right now, they don't see that. They don't understand that it takes time to heal and divorce is a big step and you are the only one that can make the decision to move forward and do something about your situation. Your family loves you and are concerned about you. I don't think you've lost another support person...but I do think that they are frustrated and do not understand that it takes time.

Congratulations on the run. Sorry to hear about BIL's situation, but maybe the relationship had run it's course and they found out that they weren't happy living as a couple. It's better to find that out now than get married and then discover things that do not enjoy about each other later on.

Bright, if the shed is in bad shape, tear it down. It's just a building and it's time to let it go. It will probably cost you more to repair it than to just let it go. I'm sure that whatever you have stored in there can be moved to your garage.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Job, thanks. You are so kind and always have a good advice. The storage shed can probably be repaired. The top part of it looks pretty solid. It also sits on a huge concrete block, so getting rid of the whole thing will probably cost me more money. I looked at it yesterday and I think the only things that need to be replaced are the side boards and the door. I will see if I can get an estimate on this.

And the yard looks like a disaster anyway. Some bold spots where the grass used to be, due to the sprinklers not working as good anymore and the water restrictions that we have here. And there is some other stuff that needs to be taken care off, sigh…

I don’t even attempt to clean the garage yet. Most of the stuff is actually on the shelves. H did some clearing a couple of times before the BD, so it is not that bad. It is bad though comparing to my sister’s garage. Her H has little skills of fixing stuff and doing home projects, so they don’t have what I have in my garage, like boxes of nails, calking hits, painting stuff, tools, instruments, etc. To her, it is all junk and I need to get rid of it.

Yes, I know that my family wants me to move on. I just don’t think that the D is going to make it for them. Even if I D my H, I will still have the issues with the garage and sheds and stuff… So I can see that they will move on to the next subject of me dating somebody and having a man in my life to help with all that stuff, so they would not have to listen to me. I just don’t understand what prompted her to tell me what she did. When I go to their house I don’t even mention if I had a bad day or not in a good mood. I always go there with a positive attitude and actually listen to their complaints about their lives. This is why I was super p!ssed when I was listening to her spill about me feeling sorry for myself.

Job, thanks again for your advice. It does help to calm thoughts down and look at things with a different prospective, even though it seems like I’m not following all of it.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
This is the perfect opportunity to get a better glimpse of where your H is right now.
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
FY, what do you mean by this? Do you mean to see what he does about it himself?



You were doing a lot of guessing regarding the entire condo issue. Worried about H's situation, how he felt, and how he perceived you. It’s all guessing and making you spin!

That’s why I suggested it may be better to let him come to you if he has something to say or ask… then at least you have some facts and know what’s really going on in his world/mind.

The key to all this is finding your own way to peace. Not easy by any means, but it is the only way. I’m confident you can and will do it.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
FY, thanks for answering my question. It makes sense… Except in my case I really don’t see or talk to H, so all I have is guessing. So far he hasn’t told me anything different about the next weekend. I have some intel that he is still looking for accommodations for himself. Oh well, not my problem. At least he’s not being an @ss by changing his decision to give me the condo next weekend. I think he is trying to be nice…


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Update. Received an e-mail from H two days ago, forwarding me the info about the QB tax table update, saying that he will do that and “I guess you should too.” Then telling me that he will be sending me the company file later and that he paid himself, and “I'm guessing there needs to be taxes paid”.

Two hours later, another e-mail with the file attached. Then asking me “if you are able to get the taxes done this weekend, please send me a portable back. I need to pay the visa bill on Tuesday.” And then “Also if you are coming down to <vacation home> next weekend, please bring any mail that I might have accumulated. The address in <state where he currently works> will no longer be valid.”

So diplomatic and business like. At least he is taking care of business. And it looks like he is making some good money. I suppose I should be happy.

So, the plans for next weekend are still on. My GF from here (who has a house at the vacation home) is going too, with four of our mutual friends. The same noisy crowd that she brought in when we celebrated my B-day back in May... It could be an interesting weekend…


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Have a great weekend with your friends Bright, and don't be afraid to take charge when and if necessary. You deserve it!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
FY, thank you, my friend. I will remember your advice. I am determined to have a great time! I already gave my GF the heads up that H will be there too and there is a good possibility to cross paths with him. She is cool with that. After all she was with me when I met H (20 years ago, wow) and they have a good relationship (my H and my GF.) They haven’t seen each other for a long time. So it will be interesting…

On another note… I completely forgot that my Mom arrived today. My sister went to get her from the airport and brought her to their house. I was doing my nails today after work, plus some shopping for the trip. I had my hair done yesterday. I want to make sure I look my best this weekend. So, I didn’t even think about my Mom...

I feel bad that I forgot to call my sister to find out about my Mom arrival. But… at the same time I already feel the tension thinking that I will have to interact with Mom after I come back from the vacation home. I’m a bad daughter…

Last edited by BrightFuture; 09/03/15 05:21 AM.

M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Enjoy your weekend.

As for your mom, don't beat yourself up that you forget that she was arriving yesterday. You've had a lot on your plate. You'll have the opportunity to see her when you return. No, you aren't a bad daughter...it's just that she doesn't understand what you are dealing with.

Enjoy!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Thanks, Job.

Update. Picked my GF from the airport on Thursday and we took off for the vacation home later in the afternoon. While I was putting things together, received a text from H asking me if I would be at the condo on Thursday of Friday. I didn’t notice the text until we were on the road, so I asked my GF to reply that we were driving. He texted back saying that he needs to pick up some clothes and stuff from the condo in the morning. I replied that he could come over any time after 8 am.

So, he came next morning with my male mutual friend. My GF took my dog for a walk, so H didn’t get to see her and my dog. I was trying to take a good look at him, but he was kind of not looking at me for extended periods of time, trying to find something else to do or to look at. It felt like he didn’t really care to even look at me, not even out of curiosity, like most people do when they don’t see somebody they knew for a long time. It was like I was a random stranger. He talked normal thought.

Last night we went out with my GF and my mutual GF who lives here. She said that she needed to tell me a couple of important things. The first one was that they have decided to move to Europe, her H’s home country. This made me sad, because this means I will not see them anymore, unless I make a trip over there.

The second thing she wanted to tell me was that there was some kind of “development” going on with that crazy woman from here and H. It is like H has been getting advice and encouragement on divorcing me. She said that she overheard H telling her H that he is going to ask (or announce) for D on our anniversary. She asked when our anniversary is. I could not believe it! I was hurt. I started crying and asking what did I do to deserve this, and whether he is trying to hurt me. She said that it seems like he is indeed trying to hurt me. Folks, I’m lost. I don’t understand why he wants to do this on our anniversary. Did I upset him that much? The anniversary is in December and right before the New Year’s, which is a big holiday for me. It would be our 20 year anniversary… Why does he want to do this?

This conversation happened after we all had a few drinks, so I might have missed some details. She was upset too, looking at me crying. She said that she should not have told me that, but she felt like she needed to warn me about this. So much for me staying away from the conversations about H. I could totally make it this time. Is there something I don’t see? Is it some kind of setup? I don’t even know what to think anymore.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
Hi Bright,

Unfortunately hurting the other person is just another aspect of the MLC. Its hard, but you cannot take this personally nor take the responsibility upon yourself. I knew a guy who was and may still be in the middle of and MLC. He made sure that the sheriff delivered the divorce papers to his spouse on her birthday. he seemed to take great pleasure in this, but it came across and an empty victory to me and to others. It a bad mental illness that has to hopefully heal. Until it does you have to take care of yourself and not take on his issues. december is a long way off as well and it may not come about, so dont dwell on it just keep it at the back and dont be too surprised one way or the other.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
I'm sorry that your friends are moving to Europe, but you can still stay in touch w/them via Skype and email. Also, it would be a nice trip for you to take when you are ready to do so later on.

Now about what your friend heard. Many of them will send initiate divorce proceedings around holidays and days that have significant meaning to us. My xh had papers drawn up and because the Christmas holiday fell on a Saturday, I didn't receive the papers until the following Monday. I sometimes wonder if they choose the dates because they think it will hurt so badly that we will hate them for having the papers drawn up and delivered on those special dates. In my case, my xh wanted to finish out the year and start his "new" life at the beginning of the new year. Crazy making at its finest.

As Life Twists pointed out, December is a long way off and anything can happen. I know you are hurting, but you have to remember that this is his journey and you didn't break him and you can't fix him. It's truly not you or anything you did to create his crisis. Do not blame yourself for this. He's got a lot of issues to deal with...but by having a possible heads up, it will give you time to get your ducks in a row financially and at least have some ideas as to what you want to do, IF he should follow through on filing.

In the meantime, live your life to the fullest. Again, December is 3 months away and anything can happen before then.

Hang in there!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
I'm sorry the weekend took this turn.

One thing I know for sure, whatever happens, You can handle it.

Much love,

Heather


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Bright, it looks as though you have had some wise advice already. I'm sorry you got to receive that hurtful bit of information about your H. I cannot understand why someone would want to think of doing something like that....but I guess I'm not in MLC!!

My H emailed me to say D papers were on the way the day before our anniversary. So I remain thankful for these little mercies. As for whether he will ultimately follow through on this. I would be surprised. I imagine if he 'tests it out' on a couple of people, he will get some comeback on that.....along the lines of 'why the heck would you want to do that??!' Also, what a MLC 'says' they may do...may well turn out to be not what happens at all. And it may help to just remember the chaos within for MLCers. Whilst you have been so hurt by what was said, your H may forget he ever said that in a week/month etc...

Whilst it is hurtful, you have some choices here. You could sit and worry about it until December; dread your anniversary. You could file yourself - beat him to it. Or you could believe nothing he has said and carry on bringing joy and new experiences into your life, healing and look forward to the festive season, whatever new things it may bring....

Take care, Sotto xx

Last edited by Sotto; 09/06/15 03:17 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Ouch, I know that hurts to have heard that, Bright. But I've seen D dates come and go. No sense to worry over something that may not even happen. If it comes to be you can deal with it then. Carry On as you have.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Hope you are ok Bright. I know how much it hurts.

((((((((Hugs)))))))


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Life Twists, Job, Heather, Sotto, FY, thank you so much for your support. It means so much for me! I just cannot express my gratitude enough for all of you being in my life!

Life Twists, I hope it will come to this with H, making sure to deliver the D papers at worst possible time for me. But, I will make I’m prepared.

Job, you always have the deep insight into things. I’m so sorry to hear that your xh wanted to hurt you so badly and he tried to deliver the papers on the Christmas holiday. This is just so cruel. You so right by saying that anything can happen in three months. I actually have some update later on, that goes along with your point.

Heather, yeas, I can handle things. I can handle H filing for D on our anniversary. I will make him a giant @ss, that’s all. I don’t know why he would want to do this. And thank for checking on me.

Sotto, I also cannot understand what our anniversary has to do with the D papers. He can do it at time. He doesn’t have to wait for the date of the anniversary. After all he has done, what significance does it make? I’m surprised that he even remembers our anniversary. I could file myself, I just don’t want it to be out of desperation or to beat him up to his filing. If he wants to file, fine... I will respond…

FY, I know that it could be just the conversation that would go nowhere… I will be prepared though… I will try not to live my life and think every day about the anniversary date. I will deal with it when it comes. I’m really trying to be in this set of mind…

So, here is some latest development… We went to my mutual friend’s house last night for dinner. I had a moment with my mutual GF and asked her again to clarify what she told me the other day about H’s intention to announce the D word at our anniversary. Here is what she told me… She overheard the conversation between her H and my H on the phone. Her H was telling my H that his crazy woman friend should stay away from me, because it will have an impact of being comfortable staying at the condo. He also said that H should keep his friends from being involved in our business. To which H replied that he is not going to tell his friends to stay away from his business because they are his true friends, and that he might need to deliver the D word on out anniversary to end this situation.

What I think now is that there was some unwanted escalation of events (this crazy woman and my mutual friends) and that H got angry. Hence the words about D and our anniversary. I can’t even elieve that he remembers when our anniversary is.

Next… My GF, who came with me, told me to contact H and let him know that she wants to see him. I texted H about this, asking him if would be in town, so we could meet somewhere. I didn’t get a replay until next morning, telling me that he didn’t have his phone on him at the time of my text and that he would let us know when we could meet.

He texted me this morning asking if we would be at the pool and if we could meet there. I said yes. We went to the pool in the afternoon. He finished playing his water volleyball and came to talk to us, my GF mostly, but I managed to give him some of my updates too. Mostly about the dog and me having a good time at the vacation home. In the conversation, he did mention something that involved “Us”, which I though was kind of strange.

I went to the rest room at some point and my GF told me about the conversation that happed during that time. So, her impression was that H wants the life at the vacation home and it is the best thing he can have. And… he told her that he is going to spend as much time at the condo as he can (this was after he asked her if she is going to come here again and her telling him that she doesn’t know because even I don’t know if and when I’m going to come here again.) And… that he felt weird to be “kicked out of this home” this weekend… Wow, I asked him about me staying there and he was ok with that. Why telling my GF about this now? I think he is kind of scarred that I’m trying to take over the condo…

My GF told me that I should give up any hopes and cut off all the ties with H, because he is hopeless in terms of any possible R with him, that he the lost cause, and that I don’t need him the way he is, and he is not going to be any different ever…

She understands why I want to have the vacation home option, to come over here and have a relaxing time for myself. But, she thinks that I’m better off to just write off that part of my life and just move on… Ha, what else is new… right?

Some other interesting stuff… While we were at the pool, with GF talking to H, his crazy woman friend came by with her daughter. She wanted to give me a hug (which I allowed) and introduces us to her daughter, who is a lovely and beautiful girl (my opinion…) Then I went to the bathroom and she came there too (I had a feeling that she didn’t need to go, but she saw me going there). She had a small talk with me, asking me if I was enjoying my time and telling me some info about her son and daughter. I was nice to her, complimenting her about her daughter and telling her I (and my GF) indeed have been having a great time.

So, hopefully the things will get settled and she (and H) will not be threatened by me anymore, LOL. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do… in terms of coming to the vacation home and in terms of D… I think I do need to give up… As everyone is telling me… I just don’t know how… I’m such a loser…

I’m still in a very confused state though. Listening to my GF, my mutual friends, etc… All telling me that I need to file or give up the condo… And my GF telling me again that I really don’t need to be at the vacation home anymore, because it just prolongs my healing process… I kind of agree with her…

Some other stuff… My neighbors here…. I and my GF went to their house for a drink. Along with some other conversations, they mentioned about how civilized me and my H are about sharing the condo after the D. I told them that we actually were not legally D’s yet. They didn’t know that. All they said that my H talked only good things about me. This made me even more confused…

Can anyone tell me that the love can just disappear for good…? The person who was in love with you at one time, is now so indifferent and cold… Talking nice things about you, but has no feelings what so ever? Was it a true love? Or, just an experiment? Somehow, I NEED TO GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON! I don’t know what to do to make this happen! I’m desperate!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Bright,

You aren't desperate and you aren't a loser.

I was thinking about your situation. Matt moved to a lakeside community where life is a party each summer. I can't imagine going and spending time there, meeting his friends and seeing him in that environment. That would be a vacation in hell for me.

Quote:

Can anyone tell me that the love can just disappear for good…? The person who was in love with you at one time, is now so indifferent and cold… Talking nice things about you, but has no feelings what so ever? Was it a true love? Or, just an experiment?


I've been struggling with this one too since the hearing. I know these are MY emotions and NOT THE REALITY.

Look at your facts. You aren't the only one he abandoned for this new life. He has hurt your son and your friends. In my case, Matt abandoned his kids, pets, home and all his stuff. A person in his right mind doesn't do that sort of thing. Something much deeper is going on and it has NOTHING to do with you.

You can't continue to subject yourself to his insanity and, especially, his crazy woman friend. Sounds like she is influencing him the way OW women do. She is a predator and her following you to the bathroom and such indicates a really sick person.

In my opinion, I think it's time to set some financial boundaries. Bright, you are a "BRIGHT" woman... you could find yourself another vacation home where you could actually relax and detox from all of this. He seems to be heading deeper into the tunnel for now.

Last edited by LoisB; 09/08/15 12:35 PM.

"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
I'm so sorry for what you've learned. Mlcers can turn their feelings off like a light switch. Their empathy chip is broken. I've been right where you are, i.e., questioning how can the love just disappear and I've given many years of thought to this question. I do think that they love us the best way that they can, but the love isn't as deep as the love we had for them because they are afraid of abandonment and being hurt by those who love them. Again, I think this stems from their childhoods.

As for the ow, that took a lot of nerve to follow you into the Ladies' Room and talk to you. Evidently she thinks that everyone should be friends and maybe that's all they have is a powsy wowsy friendship and not the type of "affair" relationship. It's very crazy if you ask me. She definitely is a predator and has her hooks into him and is influencing him in many ways.

I do agree w/Heather, it's time to set some boundaries and I would be getting my ducks in a row about the business you are handling w/your h, as well as considering a different vacation home. I'm sure you can locate other places to stay in the future and not stay at that vacation home. I'm sorry that you had to learn all of this...but in a way, it's good that you know now and not when he drops the paperwork on you.

I also think that all of the discussion w/friends about the divorce may be his way of letting you know what he's planning to do. They can be cowards and may tell friends so that those friends will tell you. Maybe he's hoping you'll file...I wouldn't. I would make him do the work...but in the meantime, I would be seeking some legal advice. Knowledge is power.

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
Hi sweetie. Sorry you had to hear that news. The truth is that hurting people hurt people. That doesn't give him a free pass, though.

Bright, I really think that you need to do something different. I think the place to start is the vacation home. I know that part of why you hold onto it is to have some connection to him, but that keeps you stuck.

He has told you he doesn't want a relationship, hard as that is, you need to hear him. That doesn't mean you cant keep the door open a crack. It just means that you need to live your life as if you heard it.

No one knows what the future holds. I just think that having any kind of contact with him hurts you right now. It really is best to let him go and allow him to walk his journey.

It is time for you to really and truly find you. The person you were meant to be.

All that stuff that happens at the vacation home doesn't serve you well. Find a new place. A place that is just yours. Make new memories.

You are not a loser by any means. You love deeply and truly. Nothing wrong with that, B. Makes you very special.

But it's time to love him enough to let him go and more importantly, to love yourself enough, too.

Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Job, your words comforted me. Thanks.

Quote:
I do think that they love us the best way that they can, but the love isn't as deep as the love we had for them because they are afraid of abandonment and being hurt by those who love them. Again, I think this stems from their childhoods.


Or, maybe it they do love us deeply and that's the problem? They don't know how to love that deep and fear losing themselves...It's so complicated.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
Bright,

you should know by now that you have to take the advice from friends and family with a grain of salt. They are all well meaning , but will be biased towards you. Only you can hear whats in your heart and follow it. So take care in listening to their advice.

Regarding the vacation home. I agree its time to move on. If you keep going their expecting a different result then ask your self what the definition of insanity is.

get away from as much of the shred things as you can and get some distance from the H. Keep the business relationship as just that. Dont put any effort into cultivating anything more right now. Let things ride and be true to yourself and concentrate on you right now.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
Bright - I wish I could offer you additional great advice; but you have already received so much. I can offer you kindness and support. You are a wonderful person and it hurts to feel the rejection and indifference from someone who was/is such an important part of your life. Focus on you and continue to move forward.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 123
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 123
Bright, I have wondered how they can turn feelings off just like that too. My husband went to madly in love to his feelings and him not loving me went away the day he left. I wish I could turn mine off that easy.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
1
Member
Offline
Member
1
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
Bright - you have been unbelievably strong for quite a while now. I admire how you've been so gracious to your H.

I think you already know the answers to the questions you've been pondering. Change is a scary thing but you can make the leap. Create a respite away from the ghosts of your past. You are worthy and you are ready. Honestly, letting go and making a clean break is the ultimate 180. A DBusting move that would earn a thumbs up from MWD.

So shine on Bright and be brave. Your future is waiting smile


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
&#8213; Maya Angelou



Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
I’m back from the vacation home. Took my GF to the airport this morning and went to work. I want to acknowledge everyone who posted to me and I will come back and reply to everyone tomorrow. I promise. I value all your comments so much… Thank you all… You mean a world to me…

I just didn’t have time to post much. I was at work, then came home and my sister was here, because she didn’t want to go home after her night shift (Mom issue…), so I spent some time with her, talking… and then I had to reply to the requests from the folks from that company I do a consulting job for, outside of my regular job. I’m tired… I hope I have some time tomorrow.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Heather, you are so right about all of this:
Originally Posted By: LoisB
I can't imagine going and spending time there, meeting his friends and seeing him in that environment. That would be a vacation in hell for me.


Originally Posted By: LoisB
You can't continue to subject yourself to his insanity and, especially, his crazy woman friend. Sounds like she is influencing him the way OW women do. She is a predator and her following you to the bathroom and such indicates a really sick person.


Originally Posted By: LoisB
you could find yourself another vacation home where you could actually relax and detox from all of this. He seems to be heading deeper into the tunnel for now.

It was not a vacation that I planned, that’s for sure. I still love that place and I’m usually fine and enjoying myself when H is not there. I guess I will start looking for another option for the vacation place (even though it is not that easy for a single woman and in Mexico), especially if my mutual friends are gone.

Job, thanks for the great advice. Like I said, I will start considering other places to go or stay. I’m feeling a lot better, since I’m back to my house. This crazy woman doesn’t even bother me now. You might be actually right on the money here about their strange friendship. I got the same impression this time too.
I think the talk about the D was inspired by my mutual friend telling him to keep that woman away from me and not let her come to the condo until he gets full ownership of it. I think H’s response was inspired by anger, like “how dare you tell me that my friends are bad people”.

I like your comment about him hoping that I would file, but you would not do that, if you were me. I have the same opinion. I will let him do the work. Filing on our anniversary date will only make him a bigger @ss.

Your words about the love they have for us and the fear of abandonment… Interesting… I was just thinking about this. And coincidentally, my GF also gave me her opinion that maybe H became so insecure and afraid that I would abandon him that he decided to do it first. This is not the first (or second) time I hear this opinion.


uR, thanks so much for stopping by. Everything you said makes so much sense.
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
The truth is that hurting people hurt people.
This is so true.
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
Bright, I really think that you need to do something different. I think the place to start is the vacation home. I know that part of why you hold onto it is to have some connection to him, but that keeps you stuck.


Originally Posted By: uRworthy
I just think that having any kind of contact with him hurts you right now.

Originally Posted By: uRworthy
All that stuff that happens at the vacation home doesn't serve you well. Find a new place. A place that is just yours. Make new memories.

Yes. Yes. And Yes! I see that now. I’m pretty stubborn and I have a hard time giving up. But… I think I need to do it.
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
You are not a loser by any means. You love deeply and truly. Nothing wrong with that, B. Makes you very special.


But it's time to love him enough to let him go and more importantly, to love yourself enough, too.
Thank you. I feel that I can do that, love him enough to let him go completely. I’m just afraid that I will slide back into desperation, like I did so many time before. Reading your posts (and everybody else’s) helps me to stay focused.

Life Twists, thanks for reminding me about relatives’ and friends’ opinions. Funny, that H used to use the same expression about the definition of insanity. The distance between me and H is huge right now. I don’t know how I can make it even bigger. You are right about the vacation home though.

Dejavu2, thanks for the kind words and for your support.

Haunted, I hear you. I’m still waiting for the moment when I can turn my feeling off this easy…

Originally Posted By: 123Gwen
Bright - you have been unbelievably strong for quite a while now. I admire how you've been so gracious to your H.
Gwen, thank you for this. I need to hear it once in a while, to truly believe that I can make it and be ok. And the 180… Yes, it would be 180 for me, not H. Thanks for your post, it is very inspiring!

Again, thanks everyone for stopping by and giving me your support. It means a lot to me!

Last edited by BrightFuture; 09/11/15 03:42 AM.

M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
I had some time to re-process all that happened at the vacation home during the long weekend and also re-read all the posts to me. I feel that something has shifted in me. I know I said that before… I just hope that this time it will last longer…

I feel like I don’t care anymore about H re-decorating the vacation home. I don’t care if that crazy woman is going to help him or do it for him. If I go there again, I will just treat it as a free rental place. This is convenient for me. Until H tells me that I cannot stay there anymore (I dare him, LOL.), then I will then find another place.

I will handle the business as usual with H while it is working for ME.

I will not file for D (unless I will need and want to do it for ME.) I will wait for him to do that. I’m prepared (I think), and I don’t dwell on the date. I actually doubt that he will have a nerve to file it or notify me on our anniversary.

I feel good about my life right now. I actually feel a bit of a power. Ironically, thanks to that crazy woman. I thought about our brief conversations and her comments and I can see that she is kind of trying to compete with me. I don’t even know why, but I have a very strong feeling about that, like she thinks that I’ve got it all together, if this makes sense. I actually kind of grateful that she is there for H, in case he is sick or something… She is so willing to help and do things for H. He has no family there, and with my mutual friends leaving (maybe), at least he will have her. I’m thinking that it will not last forever (I mean her interest in him)… But… for some time, he’s got somebody looking after him.

I think he is not happy and still looking for that magic thing in his life that would make him happy. I think he is looking in the wrong places…

In spite of some hurt feelings I experienced at the vacation home, learning the news, etc., I think that trip was beneficial for me. I had somewhat close interaction with H. I saw the anger, I saw a different H (not the H I fallen in love with), I had some reality check… I can’t really explain it well enough… I think that I’m very close to acceptance that H is gone… I can’t wait for the feeling of freedom from all of what happened in the last 3+ years. Is there such a thing? Am I kidding myself? I know that I’ve read multiple stories how this happens in LBS’s life. I’m looking forward to it.

And just for the heck of it, some update…

On the 15th of the month… Haven’t heard from H. I was thinking that he was still angry at me for coming to the vacation home on Labor Day weekend, and that he might have been trying to make some point… My thoughts were “whatever”, if he doesn’t transfer money, I can pay and then figure it out later. So, next morning I received a text from him at 6:30 am, saying that he was “a day late”, but he transferred the money to my account. I replied with “no problem and thank you”.

A couple of days ago I received an envelope for him from DMV. I was surprised because his car registration was due in July and I know for sure that I mailed him the notice back in May or June. His other vehicles are not registered in my state. I opened the envelope and it was a notice of delinquent renewal for his car. I scanned the notice and e-mailed him today, telling him that I sent him an original notice in May or June and asked him if he didn’t receive it.

Got an e-mail back… I think he was p!ssed. The e-mail started with an “f” word. Then he said that when he loaned the car to his friends from vacation home (not our mutual friends) to drive to Florida, he gave them the renewal notice and the check. They were supposed to do the Smog test and then send it to DMV along with the check for registration renewal. He then said that “They either dropped the ball or another case of lost in the mail room.” And then “Thanks for sending this.”

Soooo… I suppose having friends and relaying on them for his business can be tricky sometimes… The only person who didn’t "drop the ball" on him so far happens to be me... At least this is what I think, LOL.

Oh, and he forwarded my e-mail to these friends when he asked them if they mailed the Smog test and the check to DMV. I thought he would try to hide the fact that I’m still doing “stuff’ for him. Maybe he was too upset to even think about it.

Sorry for the long post again. Have a great weekend, everyone!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Hello there, fellow DBers. I feel like I might be posting to myself again though smile , since there is not much to report.

I’ve been busy for the last couple of weeks, working overtime, plus this side gig that I have. I was so exhausted by the end of last week that I was falling asleep in front of my computer, reading updates, etc. The exhaustion was also coming from the emotional stress that I had while my Mom was here. I and my sister drove her to the airport last weekend. She was supposed to leave in the middle of the week, but the airlines cancelled her connecting flight. After some negotiations with the airlines (which low budget, small airline with not much credibility), some heated arguments (my Mom could not decide what was the best choice for her ticket change and wanted us to decide for her), then some tears on my Mom’s part (which made my sister and I feel guilty again), we secured the tickets. She had to stay for another 3 days. So, all that made a toll on my emotional state and also made me very tired.

The life still goes on though. I went to a concert last Sunday with a group of friends (all ladies.) On Friday I went for dinner with a bunch of other friends to celebrate one of the B-days. I’m invited to another B-day party this week too.

It’s been quite on H’s part. I learnt that he’s been at the vacation home for the last week, and going to be there even longer. Not sure if he has no work, or just taking time off.

Here is where I have some concerns. My son stopped by yesterday to pick up his mail. I asked him if he expected some important mail or needed anything from me. He said that he just wanted to stop by and that he was around the neighborhood. I thought that it was kind of interesting, because normally he would have some other purpose to stop by, not just to see me. So we talked and he told me that he, his GF and maybe their friend are going to the vacation home this weekend. He said that H invited them. There is going to be an off-road event again. I said that it is great and they will enjoy their time there.

Well, here is what bothering me here. I’m absolutely happy that my son and H are going to spend some time together. But, I had a feeling that my son came to see me so he could tell me about the trip. Was he looking for my approval? Or, looking at my reaction? This makes me think that I’m not very clear at communicating to my son that I’m OK with him having a relationship with H. I don’t know, is this what it’s about?

I also feel that my son really wants this relationship, but maybe feels guilty about it. After all, I asked him just last week if they (him and his GF) had any plans to go to the vacation home, and he told me that they didn’t. He is working full time and taking 3 classes at school, which are high level classes and not the easy once. He is already missing some hours from work, which means he is making less money. So, for him to take Friday off to go to the vacation home is a big decision. He must really want it.

I’m not even thinking about H’s motives here. He is reaching out to my son, that’s for sure. Is he bored, or is it a genuine desire to connect? I just don’t want my son to be hurt. He is an adult, but I would still feel terrible if he is hurt.

So far, I only expressed my support for any interruption between my son and H. But, I’m thinking that it might not be enough. Maybe I need to talk to my son to clear the air and let him know that I will always be happy for him having a relationship with his step Dad. I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive here.

On another note, discovered that the woman H brought to my city for the weekend run back in July and the one he was making the long trips to, is no longer friends with him on FB. I wonder what happened there. Just curios. I was pretty much settled with the thought that she might be an actual ow. It doesn’t bother me one way or another. I think I’m just too tired, physically and emotionally. I don’t care.

Last edited by BrightFuture; 10/05/15 01:43 AM.

M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
I think you should have a conversation w/your son about his relationship w/his step father. He may feel a bit uneasy being in the middle, even though he's grown. I do think he wanted to come by and tell you that he was going to the vacation home for the weekend because he knows he had told you something different a while back.

As for your h and the ow, they may have just been friends or fXXk buddies. Keep in mind, when they are acting out, they can have a number of partners or can settle down w/one. It's okay to be curious, but I think you need to stop looking at his FB page for a while. I think it does bother in in some ways and it keeps you off balance just a bit.

I'm also glad to read that your mother has returned home. I'm sure it was an emotional time for you.

Just because there is nothing going on in your life w/regards to your h, that doesn't mean you can't come here and post about you, your life and what you hope to accomplish in the coming months. We like to see posters come here and post about themselves because that lets us know that you are healing and doing okay.

Bright, you are going to be just fine. It does take time to heal.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Job, thanks for your post. You are always here for me.

Job, I think I didn’t explain it well enough about potential ow. I’m curious what happened there, so they are not friends on FB anymore. Did she de-friend him or he did it? And what kind of circumstances could lead to this? Knowing H, I think that it had to be a major fall out on her part for him to de-friend her. So, I’m thinking it must be her initiative. Maybe he got too obnoxious in pursuing her, LOL. I don’t see her as a fXXk buddy, I think she too nice and decent for that. It might be that H wanted her as a fXXk buddy (or at least coming out like that, even if the intentions were more than that), and she got offended. This is probably the most likely scenario.

About my son… Yes, I have pretty strong feelings that my son was looking for my validation. He is his GF came for dinner tonight, but I didn’t talk to him about H, because his GF was here. I will ask him to stop by in a couple of days, before they go to the vacation home and I can bring the subject then. I even have an excuse why he needs to stop by.

Yesterday I’ve got a package for H, from his doctor. Some of you probably remember my posts about these packages with Viagra medication from last year. I haven’t received the packages for some time. I think H got them mailed to other addresses, either the state he was working at or PO box in the border town, so he could pick them up while he stayed at the vacation home last winter.

Anyway, whatever the reason was for this package to arrive at my house this time, I don’t know. I think he still has my address in his VA file. So, when I got the package I laughed (sarcastically, LOL), thinking that H got his V medication delivered to my address again. So, I picked inside the package (there is little hole on the side) and read the medication name on the bottle. It is antidepressant. Yes, I could not believe my eyes … H, who criticized his sister and other people taking antidepressants and saying that he would never do that, is taking the medication for depression.

I guess life is not as fun and full of excitement as H hoped it would be. I guess the drinking was not enough to fix the issues. He is now on meds. OMG! Aside from sarcasm, I feel so sad and sorry for him.

These two things (meds and H’s reaching out to my son) made me think… I can almost predict what kind of replies I will get after posting this… But… I’m going to ask anyway… Especially that my sitch has been “dead” for some time and now I have a little bit of "development" (at least I think I do)… Here it goes… Is H transitioning into another phase of MLC? Is he now experiencing some depression? I don’t see any withdrawal signs, but I don’t have much knowledge about what’s going on with him. Plus, he would be the one to mask his depression and try to deal with it by partying more and harder… And inviting my son for this weekend… Are these the first signs of reconnection with family and kids, etc.?

Don’t get me wrong. I ‘m not getting my hopes up. Or, maybe I do… The hopes that H is finally moving into something else… That he is not going to be stuck in a replay phase forever… I might not be there when and if he comes out of his MLC, but it would be sad to see him being miserable for the rest of his life. I guess I’m in a compassionate mood today smile .

Well, this was meant to be a short update...


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
Depression is the main ingredient in MLC. As for the AD medication, he may get it and not take it or he'll take it and discover that he's not quite himself, i.e., possible side effects, and go off of the meds. If he is taking ADs, he needs to see his physician periodically to ensure that he's taking the right dosage...I wonder how he's managing that while being on the road. Time will tell on this one.

I don't see him entering another stage of the crisis just yet. If he's in the very deep, dark depression/withdrawal, he wouldn't be reaching out to your son just yet. My friend was still in the replay stage when he got ADs, tried them and then stopped taking them. In fact, he would open the bottle, smell the pills and then recap the bottle and put them back on the shelf in the cabinet. He said that the dulled his senses and interfered w/his sexual performance.

Life hasn't been a picnic for him, even though he has been posting to FB. It's a very painful, emotional journey for them and it's not something that is fun for them. If he is actually taking meds, he shouldn't be mixing them w/alcohol. But that is for him to figure out.

Bright, please try to refrain from looking at his and the ow's FB pages. I realize that you are curious, but you've got to let it go. Looking at FB tends to discourage and frustrate you and it keeps you stuck for a bit. Whatever happened between them is now yesterday's news and who knows, tomorrow they could be best buds again, which happens quite often. He could very well have a new ow by next week. Again, time will tell on this one.

Your son will be able to tell how he's doing when he sees him. Although he may very well put on the happy mask, he'll not be able to keep it on for a very long period of time because it's too difficult and a lot of work to keep up the happy go lucky attitude.

Keep your expectations at zero. You can always have hope, but I don't see where he's actually gone into the dark depression w/withdrawal from everything and everyone. He's still got a ways to go and that could take a while. Until then...continue to focus on you and your life. If he wakes up and wants to reconcile, he will have a lot of hard work to do and by that time...well...you ultimately will be the one to make the decision as to whether you want to try or not.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
I can almost predict what kind of replies I will get after posting this… But… I’m going to ask anyway… Especially that my sitch has been “dead” for some time and now I have a little bit of "development" (at least I think I do)… Here it goes… Is H transitioning into another phase of MLC? Is he now experiencing some depression? I don’t see any withdrawal signs, but I don’t have much knowledge about what’s going on with him. Plus, he would be the one to mask his depression and try to deal with it by partying more and harder… And inviting my son for this weekend… Are these the first signs of reconnection with family and kids, etc.?

Don’t get me wrong. I ‘m not getting my hopes up. Or, maybe I do… The hopes that H is finally moving into something else… That he is not going to be stuck in a replay phase forever… I might not be there when and if he comes out of his MLC, but it would be sad to see him being miserable for the rest of his life. I guess I’m in a compassionate mood today smile .


Hi Bright! I'm a big proponent of finding hope anywhere we can. If we're not "done" with the marriage, then why not? It helps to keep us going.

I'm so glad I was able to find things to be hopeful about... even if I did have to readjust my expectations a few times along the way. Now the possibilities seem to grow every week!

You're doing fine, keep going!

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 10/08/15 02:50 AM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
All I would read in ad medication is his life ain't as roses as he wants people to believe and it's not smooth sailing with the ow.

Apart from that, it would be mind reading. It's could be worse news or better news or nothing different as job said.

But take hope, if you need it. It's what keeps us all going hope for something, better a better future, a new r? Anything it's any hope in anything it good and provides motivation.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Bright, I agree with the others. It is always good to maintain hope and I think there is always hope if the door is open a tiny bit at your end.

However, I think the thing to watch out for is the 'watching' and the 'wondering.' There is always a danger that we continue orbiting around our WAS's - even though much time may have passed. Much better to have a separate orbit and be living our own lives with little regard for what they may be doing. There is still quite a focus on your H in your posts and perhaps this is something to think about...

I agree with others on the FB pages. I don't think FB ever serves us well in these sitches. If I think about my H and his R with OW. That has been on, off, on, off, on? Normally, I just get some wind of that status way after the event when what was on has become off or vice versa. The good thing about that is it doesn't really impact on my life. I don't go up and down myself with the on and offing, I just see that as his life now. It would never be a life of my choosing....to be linked to that sitch.

I guess the only thing that might change things for me would be an absolute end for things with OW, that was sustained for a good length of time, along with some significant realisation of damage done. And significant desire to reconcile, along with 'what will it take' and so on. For me, until or unless some of this happens, I don't really think about what H may be up to...and that's a freeing feeling. He is not my concern...

Hope this helps anyway & take care xx


Last edited by Sotto; 10/08/15 06:59 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
1
Member
Offline
Member
1
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
Hi Birght,

I am honestly more of a "realist" - the door to my marriage is not bolted shut but as time goes on the odds are not good that H is going to have an sort of epiphany. Like you I also have to accept that geography is another obstacle.

Perhaps you can take more of a realistic hopeful attitude? Don't bolt the door to the possibility but work on accepting the practical side of things.

It is very hard to actually put this into practice but honestly it has helped me tremendously. Just accepting the odds are not in my favor has allowed me to let go of the past. Having zero expectations is just another way of emphasizing detachment.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
&#8213; Maya Angelou



Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
Please start a new thread. You have 105 postings/replies.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard