Bright, I'm sorry that your friends are moving to Europe, but you can still stay in touch w/them via Skype and email. Also, it would be a nice trip for you to take when you are ready to do so later on.
Now about what your friend heard. Many of them will send initiate divorce proceedings around holidays and days that have significant meaning to us. My xh had papers drawn up and because the Christmas holiday fell on a Saturday, I didn't receive the papers until the following Monday. I sometimes wonder if they choose the dates because they think it will hurt so badly that we will hate them for having the papers drawn up and delivered on those special dates. In my case, my xh wanted to finish out the year and start his "new" life at the beginning of the new year. Crazy making at its finest.
As Life Twists pointed out, December is a long way off and anything can happen. I know you are hurting, but you have to remember that this is his journey and you didn't break him and you can't fix him. It's truly not you or anything you did to create his crisis. Do not blame yourself for this. He's got a lot of issues to deal with...but by having a possible heads up, it will give you time to get your ducks in a row financially and at least have some ideas as to what you want to do, IF he should follow through on filing.
In the meantime, live your life to the fullest. Again, December is 3 months away and anything can happen before then.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Bright, it looks as though you have had some wise advice already. I'm sorry you got to receive that hurtful bit of information about your H. I cannot understand why someone would want to think of doing something like that....but I guess I'm not in MLC!!
My H emailed me to say D papers were on the way the day before our anniversary. So I remain thankful for these little mercies. As for whether he will ultimately follow through on this. I would be surprised. I imagine if he 'tests it out' on a couple of people, he will get some comeback on that.....along the lines of 'why the heck would you want to do that??!' Also, what a MLC 'says' they may do...may well turn out to be not what happens at all. And it may help to just remember the chaos within for MLCers. Whilst you have been so hurt by what was said, your H may forget he ever said that in a week/month etc...
Whilst it is hurtful, you have some choices here. You could sit and worry about it until December; dread your anniversary. You could file yourself - beat him to it. Or you could believe nothing he has said and carry on bringing joy and new experiences into your life, healing and look forward to the festive season, whatever new things it may bring....
Take care, Sotto xx
Last edited by Sotto; 09/06/1503:17 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ouch, I know that hurts to have heard that, Bright. But I've seen D dates come and go. No sense to worry over something that may not even happen. If it comes to be you can deal with it then. Carry On as you have.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Life Twists, Job, Heather, Sotto, FY, thank you so much for your support. It means so much for me! I just cannot express my gratitude enough for all of you being in my life!
Life Twists, I hope it will come to this with H, making sure to deliver the D papers at worst possible time for me. But, I will make I’m prepared.
Job, you always have the deep insight into things. I’m so sorry to hear that your xh wanted to hurt you so badly and he tried to deliver the papers on the Christmas holiday. This is just so cruel. You so right by saying that anything can happen in three months. I actually have some update later on, that goes along with your point.
Heather, yeas, I can handle things. I can handle H filing for D on our anniversary. I will make him a giant @ss, that’s all. I don’t know why he would want to do this. And thank for checking on me.
Sotto, I also cannot understand what our anniversary has to do with the D papers. He can do it at time. He doesn’t have to wait for the date of the anniversary. After all he has done, what significance does it make? I’m surprised that he even remembers our anniversary. I could file myself, I just don’t want it to be out of desperation or to beat him up to his filing. If he wants to file, fine... I will respond…
FY, I know that it could be just the conversation that would go nowhere… I will be prepared though… I will try not to live my life and think every day about the anniversary date. I will deal with it when it comes. I’m really trying to be in this set of mind…
So, here is some latest development… We went to my mutual friend’s house last night for dinner. I had a moment with my mutual GF and asked her again to clarify what she told me the other day about H’s intention to announce the D word at our anniversary. Here is what she told me… She overheard the conversation between her H and my H on the phone. Her H was telling my H that his crazy woman friend should stay away from me, because it will have an impact of being comfortable staying at the condo. He also said that H should keep his friends from being involved in our business. To which H replied that he is not going to tell his friends to stay away from his business because they are his true friends, and that he might need to deliver the D word on out anniversary to end this situation.
What I think now is that there was some unwanted escalation of events (this crazy woman and my mutual friends) and that H got angry. Hence the words about D and our anniversary. I can’t even elieve that he remembers when our anniversary is.
Next… My GF, who came with me, told me to contact H and let him know that she wants to see him. I texted H about this, asking him if would be in town, so we could meet somewhere. I didn’t get a replay until next morning, telling me that he didn’t have his phone on him at the time of my text and that he would let us know when we could meet.
He texted me this morning asking if we would be at the pool and if we could meet there. I said yes. We went to the pool in the afternoon. He finished playing his water volleyball and came to talk to us, my GF mostly, but I managed to give him some of my updates too. Mostly about the dog and me having a good time at the vacation home. In the conversation, he did mention something that involved “Us”, which I though was kind of strange.
I went to the rest room at some point and my GF told me about the conversation that happed during that time. So, her impression was that H wants the life at the vacation home and it is the best thing he can have. And… he told her that he is going to spend as much time at the condo as he can (this was after he asked her if she is going to come here again and her telling him that she doesn’t know because even I don’t know if and when I’m going to come here again.) And… that he felt weird to be “kicked out of this home” this weekend… Wow, I asked him about me staying there and he was ok with that. Why telling my GF about this now? I think he is kind of scarred that I’m trying to take over the condo…
My GF told me that I should give up any hopes and cut off all the ties with H, because he is hopeless in terms of any possible R with him, that he the lost cause, and that I don’t need him the way he is, and he is not going to be any different ever…
She understands why I want to have the vacation home option, to come over here and have a relaxing time for myself. But, she thinks that I’m better off to just write off that part of my life and just move on… Ha, what else is new… right?
Some other interesting stuff… While we were at the pool, with GF talking to H, his crazy woman friend came by with her daughter. She wanted to give me a hug (which I allowed) and introduces us to her daughter, who is a lovely and beautiful girl (my opinion…) Then I went to the bathroom and she came there too (I had a feeling that she didn’t need to go, but she saw me going there). She had a small talk with me, asking me if I was enjoying my time and telling me some info about her son and daughter. I was nice to her, complimenting her about her daughter and telling her I (and my GF) indeed have been having a great time.
So, hopefully the things will get settled and she (and H) will not be threatened by me anymore, LOL. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do… in terms of coming to the vacation home and in terms of D… I think I do need to give up… As everyone is telling me… I just don’t know how… I’m such a loser…
I’m still in a very confused state though. Listening to my GF, my mutual friends, etc… All telling me that I need to file or give up the condo… And my GF telling me again that I really don’t need to be at the vacation home anymore, because it just prolongs my healing process… I kind of agree with her…
Some other stuff… My neighbors here…. I and my GF went to their house for a drink. Along with some other conversations, they mentioned about how civilized me and my H are about sharing the condo after the D. I told them that we actually were not legally D’s yet. They didn’t know that. All they said that my H talked only good things about me. This made me even more confused…
Can anyone tell me that the love can just disappear for good…? The person who was in love with you at one time, is now so indifferent and cold… Talking nice things about you, but has no feelings what so ever? Was it a true love? Or, just an experiment? Somehow, I NEED TO GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON! I don’t know what to do to make this happen! I’m desperate!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I was thinking about your situation. Matt moved to a lakeside community where life is a party each summer. I can't imagine going and spending time there, meeting his friends and seeing him in that environment. That would be a vacation in hell for me.
Quote:
Can anyone tell me that the love can just disappear for good…? The person who was in love with you at one time, is now so indifferent and cold… Talking nice things about you, but has no feelings what so ever? Was it a true love? Or, just an experiment?
I've been struggling with this one too since the hearing. I know these are MY emotions and NOT THE REALITY.
Look at your facts. You aren't the only one he abandoned for this new life. He has hurt your son and your friends. In my case, Matt abandoned his kids, pets, home and all his stuff. A person in his right mind doesn't do that sort of thing. Something much deeper is going on and it has NOTHING to do with you.
You can't continue to subject yourself to his insanity and, especially, his crazy woman friend. Sounds like she is influencing him the way OW women do. She is a predator and her following you to the bathroom and such indicates a really sick person.
In my opinion, I think it's time to set some financial boundaries. Bright, you are a "BRIGHT" woman... you could find yourself another vacation home where you could actually relax and detox from all of this. He seems to be heading deeper into the tunnel for now.
Last edited by LoisB; 09/08/1512:35 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Bright, I'm so sorry for what you've learned. Mlcers can turn their feelings off like a light switch. Their empathy chip is broken. I've been right where you are, i.e., questioning how can the love just disappear and I've given many years of thought to this question. I do think that they love us the best way that they can, but the love isn't as deep as the love we had for them because they are afraid of abandonment and being hurt by those who love them. Again, I think this stems from their childhoods.
As for the ow, that took a lot of nerve to follow you into the Ladies' Room and talk to you. Evidently she thinks that everyone should be friends and maybe that's all they have is a powsy wowsy friendship and not the type of "affair" relationship. It's very crazy if you ask me. She definitely is a predator and has her hooks into him and is influencing him in many ways.
I do agree w/Heather, it's time to set some boundaries and I would be getting my ducks in a row about the business you are handling w/your h, as well as considering a different vacation home. I'm sure you can locate other places to stay in the future and not stay at that vacation home. I'm sorry that you had to learn all of this...but in a way, it's good that you know now and not when he drops the paperwork on you.
I also think that all of the discussion w/friends about the divorce may be his way of letting you know what he's planning to do. They can be cowards and may tell friends so that those friends will tell you. Maybe he's hoping you'll file...I wouldn't. I would make him do the work...but in the meantime, I would be seeking some legal advice. Knowledge is power.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi sweetie. Sorry you had to hear that news. The truth is that hurting people hurt people. That doesn't give him a free pass, though.
Bright, I really think that you need to do something different. I think the place to start is the vacation home. I know that part of why you hold onto it is to have some connection to him, but that keeps you stuck.
He has told you he doesn't want a relationship, hard as that is, you need to hear him. That doesn't mean you cant keep the door open a crack. It just means that you need to live your life as if you heard it.
No one knows what the future holds. I just think that having any kind of contact with him hurts you right now. It really is best to let him go and allow him to walk his journey.
It is time for you to really and truly find you. The person you were meant to be.
All that stuff that happens at the vacation home doesn't serve you well. Find a new place. A place that is just yours. Make new memories.
You are not a loser by any means. You love deeply and truly. Nothing wrong with that, B. Makes you very special.
But it's time to love him enough to let him go and more importantly, to love yourself enough, too.
I do think that they love us the best way that they can, but the love isn't as deep as the love we had for them because they are afraid of abandonment and being hurt by those who love them. Again, I think this stems from their childhoods.
Or, maybe it they do love us deeply and that's the problem? They don't know how to love that deep and fear losing themselves...It's so complicated.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
