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Sorry if I overstepped Bright.

My emotions are all over the place right now. The prospect of finally being free of this crazy is appealing and makes me sad all at once.

You got this.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Hi Bright,

The communication thing is fairly normal where you are in this process. I too did not have much convoe on anything other than about the Divorce till it was finished. For some, like yours and mine, the divorce is a total fixation of theirs and nothing else matters till it is done. After the divorce there was basically no conversation at all. It took about four months and things started to change. I can't say this will be the same in your situation. Nor can I say what the final results will be. Just continue to be who you are or who you are becoming. Be real and kind to your self. Be positive about life and you. Things have a way of working out for the best.

Nothing that is posted here is stupid. You chose when to post and when not to. People may respond or not. I know how you feel that if no one replies then it is just stupid that you posted. I think that everyone reads the posts and don't tend to post unless they have something insightful to add. I sometimes feel just a simple hello or keep going is enough. So, keep posting what ever you feel you want to post. It is more important for you to get it out in the open as it is for others to comment.


Twisting on Life's Rope
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D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
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Bright,
Life Twists is right about the communications situation being fairly normal. Sometimes they will pop out and text/email and other times, they just completely disappear until they want or need something from you.

Freedom is a total fixation for them. If they can have their freedom w/o pressure from the spouse, then they usually go along their merry way and will not push for a divorce. However, if you push the issue, divorce will come up and it's their only "excape" from what they think is holding them back to living their new life. Sometimes, after a divorce, they want to be friends immediately and then there are those who need plenty of time for the tarnish to set in on their "new lives" before they realize that they want to be friends w/us...but I caution the readers...friends to them doesn't have the same definition as what we would classify as true friends. Whatever should happen, things will and do work for the best. I didn't think my situation would work out, but it did and I am enjoying life w/o the worry of what he's doing, who he's with and what expenses will be coming my way that I would have to worry about paying because of his spending.

As for posting, that's up to you. But keep in mind, many of us read your postings and sometimes we don't post because we do not have anything to offer at that time. In my case, I sometimes think you are just journaling and I step away until something you post sends up a red flag. As Life Twists pointed out, it is more important for you to get it out in the open as it is for others to comment. I do want to add one more comment, posting here is a safe environment, whereby no one is going to take your postings and run to your h and tell him what you said or doing.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you Heather, Job and Life Twists.
Heather, no need to apologize. I’ve been keeping up with your updates and I keep being amazed how much you’ve accomplished. And yes, these resent events… with Smokey expressing some feelings, regrets, or whatever they are… I can see how it can be confusing for you. I would through me off the path too.
Life Twists, thanks for giving me some perspective on things after the D and for your kind words regarding my “stupid” posts.

Job, thank you so much for still being here for me. Sometimes I’m afraid that after one of my posts you would stop replying to me. You are right, I need to stay away from FB, checking H out. And with mutual friends… I did pretty well this last weekend, except one thing, which I’m posing later.

Last weekend was actually not as relaxing as I expected. The first day was good. Then I had an anxiety for whatever reason. My sister made some comments about how I need to find another vacation spot, so I would not have to be connected to H… About how my mutual friends are just using me for their purpose and they are not really stand by me… blah, blah, blah… I know she is trying to protect me, but I really didn’t need this kind of opinion.

At the same time, I’m starting to realize that what she says could be actually true. I did feel a bit uncomfortable at the condo this time. After my mutual friends told me that H wants to decorate the condo to make it feel like his own, I realized that this could change the situation. I just feel like I’m waiting for another shoe to drop… After confirming that he brought that woman to my city on the 4th of July... I think he wants to change things in the condo, so he could bring a woman there.

I was not able to talk to my mutual friends much last weekend, because my sister and her son were there with me. The only thing I was able to gather is that H asked which GF I’m planning to bring with me, and after he found out, he said that he knows her (she was my GF when I and H met, there is some history there…) and he likes her and he wants me and her to stay at the condo. So, he is going to figure out his accommodations for that weekend. This means he is coming to the vacation home on the same weekend. And this time, I’m not sure I like it. When before I would welcome that, thinking that we could cross path somewhere and I would have an opportunity to interact with him. This time, I’m not happy with this. I want to have a relaxing weekend and I don’t want any distractions.

This is where the weird part comes. I’ve been feeling that knot in my stomach again, just like I felt during the first 6 month after BD. I don’t know why I feel this way now. Maybe I’m sensing the end of this… Like I said, I’m waiting for another shoe to drop. I don’t what it is yet… Is it him bringing that woman to the condo… Or him filing for D… I don’t even know if what I feel makes sense anymore.

OK, I’ve been all over the place with my thoughts. I haven’t even expressed half what I’m feeling… Maybe tomorrow I will get another shot at this. Or, maybe not tomorrow… We are having a company event at the ball park tomorrow, with drinks and food provided… Should be a lot of fun!

Job, thanks for pointing out that posting here is the safest way for me to express my feelings. I feel that I still need this, that this is the only place where I can get some support, no matter what. Thank you all for being here and for all your posts.


M:50
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Bright
Just wanted to pop in and say Hello.

I use this board to post just about anything to get my feelings out here in a way that I don't explode at home on H, or slip into depression over this MESS!

Your mutual friends and the vacation home,,,I think these things are hindering your de-ttached to your H, then maybe otherwise....
MAYBE not, that place should be all about relaxing and having FUN.

If you both share that place, those friends. You will need to work with your H on when you will be there, so you will not be there at same time, and with your friends I would stop all conversations about your H your M, I would NOT tell them much of anything, and I will tell them that you don't need to hear about your H. They need to realize they are in the middle and they need to basically mind their own business and stay out of yours as it concerns you and your H.

That is just my 2 cents.

Hang in there, I think you are doing GREAT!!!! Our emotions will be all over the place so will our posts at times, it's OK, don't apologize for being emotionally and feeling confused about all of this.

Heck, I love my H, and I want a great M, but right now I don't have that and might not with H ever again,,,so of course that is an emotional situation.

Feel those emotions, to get them out to process them, and POSTS away like a mad woman and keep it moving.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
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July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Hi Bright! I was going to just randomly pop up and give you some cliché advice, but decided to just say Hi instead. You got this!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Hey Bright - Boy do I ever remember feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop -- for two years straight -- as H kept 'threatening' to file for D. When he finally did, I felt overwhelming sadness, anger, but also a great deal of relief, that I wasn't the one to end it, but that I could finally start moving on with MY life, like he had with his. No idea what's going on in your H's head right now, but I get where you are coming from, Bright. Things will work themselves out. It won't always be like this.

Contemplating the loss of the vacation home is really tough. I lost mine in the D (he bought me out), and that's probably one of the hardest parts of this! I'll have another (albeit small) one someday...

Hang in there Bright, and do whatever it is you have to do - for yourself - to make the life you really want. If you don't quite know what that is right now, it will come in due time.

Happy Friday, you social butterfly!
LiveNow


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
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H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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2BHappy, thanks for popping in! And for the advice! I know that I need to take care of that “friend situation” somehow. The vacation home provided me with some sense of connection for three years after the BD. Now I feel that it might actually become an obstacle, preventing me to move on. I don’t know… I will have to see… and feel…

I can say the same, that this board keeps me from going into a full depression, while friends and family sometimes contribute to my depression without realizing it.

Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
Hi Bright! I was going to just randomly pop up and give you some cliché advice, but decided to just say Hi instead. You got this!
FY, you made me laugh! Thanks for randomly popping in and not giving me some cliché advice, LOL. By the way, your advice is never cliché.

LiveNow, thanks for understating and for sharing your feelings. It is good to know that there is a relief at the end of this. I think I kind of know that. It is just getting so tiring to wait for this d@rn shoe to finally drop. Yes, the idea that I would not be able to go to the vacation home upsets me. I’ve thinking so hard trying to find an alternative solution to this. I hope I will find one. The worst case scenario is that I will have to pay for a rental. The thing is that H will probably not be able to buy me out, so we could just lose the condo all together. Oh well, it was his choice to take it this far.

I smiled at your comment about me being a social butterfly . This was (and is) H’s thing. I thing I evolved into this without realizing it. I think I just opened up and started enjoying socializing, contrary to my upbringing and my parents’ life style. I still feel overwhelmed sometimes and want to retreat into my private space, but it not as a daunting and exhausting thing anymore. I guess I have to thank H for this!

So, the company field trip at the ball park was great! After the game a few of us went to a bar and had a few more drinks and some food. Yesterday there was a company sponsored happy hour for a couple of people who got promotions. Oh boy, do I work for the right company, or what, LOL!

I’m having a relaxing night tonight. Sort of… I have house guests. My GF’s daughter and her boyfriend. They arrived yesterday at midnight. They are here just for a few days. They will doing their own stuff during the day, and will just come to my house to sleep.

This is another thing that is different in my life. I used to be very stressed about people visiting and staying at my house. Now, I’m more relaxed and causal. I did go to the grocery store yesterday to buy some food for them for breakfast, even after my GF told me not to worry and just let them get their own food. I thought that it would be more convenient for them to have breakfast at the house, and then they can do whatever during the day. They were very appreciative. This is one thing that I grew up with, to always make sure that people staying with me do not go hungry. In this country it is more of a convenience than necessity. But… still… I like to do that.

Tomorrow is the Day, LOL. Expecting a text from H about the money transfer… I’m glad he’s been so consistent with this.

Have a great weekend, everyone!


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Need some advice. As expected I received a text from H about the money transfer, starting with “Hi Bright”. He then asked me what days I’m planning to go to the vacation home on Labor day, so he could make alternative accommodations (I assumed for himself…) I replied also addressing him by name, thanking him for the money transfer and then telling him about the dates I'm planning to be at the vacation home. I ended the text with “I appreciate it a lot!”. (meaning him making the arrangements and letting me to stay at the condo.) He replied right away with “Ok I will figure it out”.

Here is what went through my head. First I thought “Yes, you do that”, kind of feeling a bit bitter that I even have to “listen” to this. Then I thought about offering him some money. Then I thought “no”, he has lots of friends over there who he puts before everything in his life, so he can ask one of them to let him stay at their place and it will not cost him any money.

And then, after this brief rush of anger went through my head, my thoughts changed. I thought about how nice of him to do this for me. I don’t know if there is any specific reason he is doing it, or he is just trying to avoid a potential confrontation and unpleasant feelings over this, or he genuinely wants to do me a favor. I think that the last reason kind of wins, maybe because I knew him as a generous man before and I want to believe that he still is (even after he treated me like an enemy at some point.) BTW, my sister would choose a different reason, telling me that he has some agenda here...

So, I am contemplating to send him another reply thanking him again. But something (maybe common reason) stops me from doing this. Just want to hear some opinions about this. Yes, I know I’m overthinking this again. But, this is what I feel, which contradicts with what I logically think. I think I’m confused. If I reply, it could make it too apologetic on my side. If I don’t reply, it could look like I’m a b!tch who doesn’t care about his plans (which is actually true, LOL)


M:50
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Hi Bright - I think you could just leave it as is. If you really want to respond again, just a simple 'Thanks' would do it. If you don't reply, I don't think it makes you look like a B. ;-) You're just living your life. Keep being awesome, Bright!


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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