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Oh, yeah. I cleaned all the windows in the house today. Just I like I did 3 year ago… After the BD… When I was in disbelieve that it was happening to me… Different feeling this time… Or is it?...


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Hi Bright,

I would not do a thing about his mail unless you feel you need to. My ex has not cut a lot of things. Her car is still registered in both our names. She has not changed where the tax bill goes. I still get calls and mail from the pharmacy, dentist, etc for her. I could make a big deal out of this but I don't. If and when I choose to I will, but for now leaving it alone leaves the door open to build some level of relation ship with her. I also consider it her little anchor to the world she knew and don't want to totally set her adrift. I suspect you feel the same way, so just keep doing what you are doing in relation to these ties. I do agree though that you may make some small demand of him to see if you can get a positive response and change things up a bit.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
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Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
I hope it is not just about mail in my posts, sigh… I think I need to rethink what I post about the mail, I guess it comes across as the most important subject.



I only felt I had some thing to add about the mail, I really don't feel qualified to comment on much more. You have been here far longer than I and seen far much more than I. I can do practical stuff.....


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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Bright,
You are frustrated with your situation and it being stagnant, i.e., no real communication and/or movement towards reconciling w/your h. You are frustrated that people in the real world don't understand how you feel and why you aren't doing anything to cut the ties and you are frustrated w/the posters here because we continue to suggest things that you do not want to hear and/or do. I get it! That's why it's very important that you only take away from the postings what you can apply to your situation.

Again, no one is saying to give up and walk away. If something isn't working, then you try something different and that could mean trying to establish a dialogue w/your h to see where his head is at. You won't know until you try something different. It doesn't have to be a huge move because it could be a very simple text inquiring how he's doing or sharing something that has happened in your life recently.

Why not try a simple email or text message and inquire about how he's doing? It may just open the door for a bit of interaction. Bright, I'm going to put something out here for you to think about and I could be totally off base, but maybe your h thinks you don't care about him or what he's doing. Maybe things that he's been putting on FB could be to see if he would get a reaction out of you. Maybe he doesn't know how to open the door and step over the threshold to reach out to you because he knows he's done some stupid stuff and hurt you. Sometimes we have to take the first step to help them find a way back to us.

MLCers get comfortable w/the way things are going, especially if they are left alone to do their own thing. You've been a quiet individual and have not put any "demands" on him or his time. You've allowed him to go along his merry way and because of this, he's comfortable and happy w/how things are. He doesn't have a clue, or should I say, he doesn't care how you feel because he's on his own trip and enjoying life. MLCers do not think of anyone but themselves and what makes them feel good. You aren't happy and you are getting more and more frustrated w/how he's behaving and the little things that truly didn't bother you at first are now starting to bug you.

No one, as far as I can tell, is frustrated/bored w/your situation. Every situation is different and so are the people involved. There is no right or wrong way to handle a crisis situation, but there will come a time when you will need to decide to try something different to see if you get any type of reaction from the MLCer.

I care about you and see you struggling and I hope you take what I am about to suggest in the proper way as it is meant to be conveyed. Have you considered going to a support group for separated spouses or making an appointment to see an IC to discuss what has been happening in your world? The reason that I'm suggesting this is because you don't have anyone in the real world that you are discussing things w/and an IC or a support group can be a safe place to discuss what is going on w/you and your life. I'm not saying you are loony or depressed...just saying sometimes it helps to get things off your chest in a "safe" environment and you are not judged by what you do or don't do.

Bright, please think about what I've posted. Maybe it's time to open the door just a crack to see what's going on. It's time to think about doing something different. I know you are hesitant to try it, but what could it hurt to ask how he's doing?

Just my two cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Bright -- I've been away from the board for a while, but I wanted to post when I read your latest updates. Bright, I was separated for almost 2 years, with very little contact -- except his mail coming to the house -- for almost that entire time. (We changed nothing during that time though, kept joint bank accounts, etc., but lived separately, and he was with OW the entire time, and still is.) So, some similarities between our sitches. We even had a vacation home, too, which I had to give up. (He bought me out. I really miss it, but I plan to have my own little vacation home sometime in the future.)

I feel for you. I know what that waiting around feels like, and at times, it was pure torture. But when he finally did file for D, after almost no movement after 1.5 years, I was pretty stunned, and had to work really hard to come to terms with it, and then move out of the house we designed and built to live in together.

I moved about a month ago (and bought a house in the middle of the move!) and I just have to tell you -- I feel GREAT. I felt I had literally been relieved of a 20-ton weight on my shoulders. I had been carrying that around for SO long, I forgot what living free of that was like. I did not want the D, at all. But, now that I am free, I can live MY life, and I am actually...dare I say it...having FUN. I'm still sort of surprised by this! Even 6 months ago I would not have guessed I'd be as content as I am. But it's holding...that free feeling is hanging around, thank goodness. (Maybe a few promising dates have helped??!)

Bright, I think you are doing great, and you already have rebuilt most of your life without your H. You have already done most of the really hard work, dealing with the separation and creating your own life. It's already behind you. It sounds like you have a pretty good network of friends and family, and a nicely social work life.

I think Bright has loads of potential! I think you are approaching a point where you have to do something - ANYTHING - to make something happen. I felt that way about every few months, and so I just threw something out there to show the door was still open -- like Job has suggested. I think it's a great idea. The status quo is going nowhere, leaving you stuck. Get unstuck, Bright. Try something. You might be surprised how good it feels when there is SOME movement, in ANY direction. In my case, those things I threw out there didn't work, but I figure at least I tried everything I could think of, and I have no regrets with regard to how I conducted myself through those 2 years. You are frustrated, and understandably so. But YOU hold the key to changing it up. Give it a shot.

I wish you the best, and I hope things turn out the way you want them to. I'll post an update on my thread soon (even though I just kinda told you most of it!). :-D ((HUGS))

LiveNow


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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Originally Posted By: BrightFuture

FY, thank you so much. I always feel so much better after reading your posts. I just don’t think I can do what you suggest yet. I don’t feel H is open to anything like that. So, I just continue… On my own… I do realize that even people on this board are fed-up with my sitch.


You're welcome Bright, and thank you for being MY cheerleader!

You are stronger than you think, and have more power than you know.

If you make a move, ANY move, it'll be for you, not your H.

I know I always felt better when I took at least a BIT of control in my sitch. Said something, did something, or tried something. It didn't matter if it didn't always "work" the way I had hoped... There was movement! Action and excitement! SOMETHING.

I figure it's better to say/do something constructive before we blow our top and are triple done. Nothing good will come then. Our spouses deserve this. We can't wait until we're surprising them with papers!

Don't give up, Bright. Continue to stand for your marriage as long as you can... It's the nobel thing to do. But think, think hard of something new you can do.

When you do it will give you wings!

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 07/14/15 04:13 AM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

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I typed half of the reply the other day and then lost it, sigh… Oh well…

Thanks every one. I really appreciate your thoughts.

Lifes Twists, it is good to know that I’m not the only one who is not doing anything more about separating stuff. I’ve been following your sitch (even though I don’t post much), and I’m so happy to see some “movements” in the right direction.

Ggrass, you’ve been here for some time too, I’ve read your posts and I think you are more than qualified to comment. I really appreciate you stopping by. I really didn’t mean to single out your post. Job is right, I was frustrated, so I reacted…

Job, thanks for coming back and posting to me. You are so right, I was/am frustrated. This goes in waves, and when it hits me, it hits me hard. I’m going to take your advice very seriously to only take away from the postings what I can apply for me. I don’t know if I can always follow it. I tend to get easily discouraged and also easily encouraged even after a small comment.

Job, your words about caring about me made me tear up. You have so much compassion and patience.

I’ve been thinking about IC recently. I just know it didn’t work for me in the past. I don’t want to join any D support groups. I cannot really explain why, but something inside me is very opposed to this.

LiveNow, I was so happy to read your update on your thread and here as well. I hope I’m where you are soon. I don’t know if I need to get a D for that and move to a different place. I don’t know if it will work me. I love where I live, even though there are memories here, I’m starting to replace them with new once. I think I consider this house my own now. And you are right, I’ve been doing pretty good in terms of having life, making friends, supporting myself and making plans for the future. I just cannot shake off that last piece of “connection”, it seems.

FY, as always, thanks for your support and words of encouragement. I think subconsciously I’m trying really hard not to give up. Something is preventing me from giving up… I will not know until I know…

Now, back what all of you said, about doing something different… about taking an action…
I’ve been thinking really hard about that. I actually did something different a few weeks ago when I sent H a cheerful e-mail when I sent him the company file back. I’ve got silence in response… It might have made him more distant again… Hence the dry texts after that. It might have correlated with his crazy trip to his home town, then to my town, back to his home town, and then to the state where he currently works. And, the potential ow with all that.

Originally Posted By: job
Bright, I'm going to put something out here for you to think about and I could be totally off base, but maybe your h thinks you don't care about him or what he's doing. Maybe things that he's been putting on FB could be to see if he would get a reaction out of you. Maybe he doesn't know how to open the door and step over the threshold to reach out to you because he knows he's done some stupid stuff and hurt you. Sometimes we have to take the first step to help them find a way back to us.
Job, I’ve been kind of thinking the same thoughts, that H thinks that I don’t care about him and that I have my own life now. Actually, I don’t see his FB timeline, he made it more private at some point, maybe after he discovered that I was on FB too.

I think you are right, even if he has thoughts of opening the door, he is probably too reluctant to make the first step. But… at the same time, I think he is just too stubborn to recognize his mistakes and do something about it. I think he will continue on his path to destruction…

Back to the point of me making any kind of move. I just don’t feel I can do it right now. I feel that I still have some anger to process and issues to deal with… within myself. I want to feel completely free when and if I approach H with any kind of message. In a way, I feel like I’m still hiding behind my and his inaction, if it makes any sense. I need to get rid of this frustration I’ve been having in order to have somewhat clear dialog with H. Does it make sense? I’m frustrated with myself too, because it seems I still cannot reach that point.

You all made me think… I will start looking into possibilities to do something… Truth darts… Reality check … Asking him how he is doing… etc… Thank you, thank you, thank you all again for your comments.


M:50
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M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Hi Bright,

Taming the wild MLCer is probably one the hardest things we will ever do. I feel you are doing the right thing. There are a lot of similarities in all MLCers which we can all share advice for. It is the subtle differences that can only be done on an individual basis. I have done small consistent changes these past few months that are paying off. Your idea to ask how he is doing is great, just be sure to do it consistently. At first he may not even respond. Don't give up. Eventually he will give a short response. That will then be followed by times where he will try and continue the conversation. That will be your clue it is working. I think that some MLCers need us to do the initiation so they can save face. It might be their stubbornness or that they are not people who ever initiates things comfortably. Either way, deep down they appreciate the effort on your part and will eventually respond. This, like everything else will have its push and pull, but will eventually work.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
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Thanks, Lifes Twists. I will think about it. I’m just not sure how this would be different from pursuing. Plus, I’m not really sure I want to be the initiator yet. Like I mentioned, I still have the anger and resentment, so, I’m afraid any step towards H will look fake.

On another note… Received a text from H yesterday about the money transfer. Addressing me by name again, with all the proper punctuation…


M:50
H:52
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BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Bright,
The opportunity to have a little bit of communication w/your h came knocking at your door yesterday. I would respond back w/a thank you and then ask how things are going. Then it's up to him if he wants to respond back. A very simple, short and sweet response.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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