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Hey, dejavu, thanks for stopping by. And thanks for the comfort smile. I’ve been doing some meditation as well, not as much as I used to though. I need to get back to it.

Yes, the friends at the vacation home are still my true friends. I think I will have to win them over completely at some point, because of H’s actions. I think they like me better anyway, LOL.

What I mean by H’s actions… I forgot to mention, that my male friend spoke with H on the phone and asked him to tell that crazy woman to keep away from me. At that party on July 4th, this male friend was flipped (got a middle finger gesture) by that crazy woman. My friend didn’t say or do anything to this woman, so he thinks she did it because H spoke with her and told her what my male friend conveyed to H.

Plus, H is not a big “fan” of babies and toddlers. Soooo, I think my mutual friends are getting a little “annoyed” with H, I would say.

As for me, I’m feeling pretty good these days. I think I accepted the possibility of H having an ow now. I’ve been very busy at work, and it does help me to stay detached as much as possible.

Checked the bank account today and there is a charge… It is for another state county gmvt site. I’m thinking H got a speeding ticket in the town he was driving by on the way from my town to that town where the possible ow lives. Ha! It is a pretty significant amount for H, more than $200.

I also deposited his check yesterday. I also had my own check to deposit, from that side job that I’ve being doing for my former contracting company. I sent H a text this morning that I made a deposit for him. He replied right away thanking me and telling me that he appreciates it. Still not addressing me by my name though…

I’m looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow… I’m very tired. I hope everyone has a great weekend! Thanks for being my virtual friends!


M:50
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The mail you could return to sender unknown at this address.

Especially the play boy. wink then you never see it again.


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T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
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I hope it is not just about mail in my posts, sigh… I think I need to rethink what I post about the mail, I guess it comes across as the most important subject.


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Bright - I think the post simply suggested that it is something you might want to consider - not that it has taken over your life.

Maybe it is time (and only you can decide) to be a little less accommodating to your husband. Politeness is excellent, but having (part of) his mail still delivered to you needs re-visiting perhaps?

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Bea, so, you are suggesting that I cut that last thing that still might connect me to H and him to me? It seems that this is what all the people here want me to do. Do I see it in a different light? Don’t I get something that everyone here tries to convey to me? I might as well just be completely done here. I might come to this conclusion on my own anyway. But, it is just so confusing to me. Do I have rose covered glasses on me? And people here just see what I cannot? I just have to cut every single piece of connection with H… because it is hopeless?... And then what?...

Back to my point… Why am I here? I’m looking for the support and validation that I cannot get from my friends and family anymore. I have to pretend with them. I thought I could put my real feelings here. But... I get the same kind of advice I already get from other people in my life. Cut it off… move on… live your own life… forget about H… don’t have bad feelings… move on… Sure, I can do that... When the time is right for me…


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Bright - I am sorry that I upset you. Clearly our h still having some of his mail sent to you is very important to you. I didn't realise that, because that would not be important for me. We all see the world a little differently.

Please explain to me (and others who care about you) what we need to do to make you feel validated.

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Bright, I understand what you are saying about the post. We have the opposite scenario, where H forwards my post to me. I've been thinking for a little while, I should arrange to get mail auto-forwarded to me, but I haven't done that yet. It is hard to cut some of these slender threads that maintain a link, I understand that.

As you say, our sitches are about far more than mail though!! So that's the last I'll say on the matter unless you want to talk about it further..the final thing I would say is that the links are there regardless of these slender threads that may break.

They are there in the love we have held for eachother, the life we have lived together, children we have and things we have shared. I don't think anyone on this forum will tell you to give up. What you choose to do at any stage of your journey is your own choice and we'll support and help and offer friendship along the way as travelling companions met on the road..

Take care, and I hope you're having a good weekend xx

Last edited by Toots; 07/12/15 08:59 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Bright,
I am actually hesitant to come here to post to you after your response to Bea's posting. However, not all of the advice and support that you get on your threads is going to be to your liking, but we are ALL trying to support you the best way that we can. As I suggest to many who get upset w/the responses to their posts, read the postings and take from them what you can apply to your situation.

When you come here and post about the mail and yes, those Playboy magazines, the impression that many of us probably get is that you are tired of gathering up and forwarding his mail to him. So, what do we suggest? We suggest that a change of address be put in for him if this mail situation is a thorn in your side. If receiving the mail and then forwarding it on to him is an aggravation and a painful reminder to you, then do something different. When you've had enough of the mail situation, you will do something about it.

Let's discuss the connections w/your h. You still have the business and rental home connections, which to me are far more important because you do have more interactions w/him on those things. These are strong ties that you have w/him and unless something changes, they will continue on as they have been. I find it interesting that you don't complain about them as much as you do the mail. Why is that? Is it because the mail is an every day reminder of him being gone?

There is no way to predict whether your situation is hopeless or not because no one truly knows what the future holds. It's okay to have hope, but that doesn't mean that you remain still. You have to continue moving forward. No one on the forum is saying forget about your H, but we are advising you to carve out a life for yourself and put your focus on yourself and your son. Why? Because no one can predict the future and no one wants to see you remain still. Life goes on and life is far too short to remain still. We want you to be a success and what if he doesn't return? You will have a stronger footing to handle that situation if it were to happen because you continued on w/your life. If he returns, that would be wonderful, but he will also find a stronger, more independent and happier woman that would be more than willing to share her life w/him once again because you went on to meet the challenges of life. Letting things go doesn't mean it's the end and that you are forgetting about him, but it means that you are moving on w/your life and living it to the fullest.

Now, I do want to touch on your last paragraph about support and validation from your friends and family. Bright, they want to see you happy and do not want to see you hurting. They want to see you move forward, live life and find happiness once again. Happiness doesn't mean a new man in your life, but the joy of living and experiencing new things. If you talk to them about your H and the things he does all of the time then I can understand why they feel the way that they do. It hurts to know that you can't open yourself up to them to talk about it, but after a while, especially when they see that it consumes your thoughts, they want to see the pain end. Whether you pretend around them or not, they know you well enough to know how you truly are. If they tell you to move on, you can nicely tell them that when you are ready, you will, but until then I will continue as I have been w/my marriage.

Bright, you have been a member of this forum longer enough to know that no one wants to see you hurting. We all want to see you thrive and be happy w/life and yourself. However, there will come a time when you will need to make some decisions about what is best for Bright, be it accommodating your spouse while he is off playing in the field of La La or whether you've had enough and begin to do things differently when it comes to accommodating his needs. But, the bottom line is this...we listen, we advise on what we read here and when we begin to see patterns, we suggest doing something different. Again, as I pointed out in the first paragraph, read the posts and take from them what you can use.

You, and only you, can decide when you've had enough.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I've always been a fan of maintaining and building connections with our spouse. I also believe most of us have more power in the relationship than we know... especially in the common situation where the MLC'er doesn't really want a divorce.

You're tired of the stagnation of your sitch, Bright, and rightfully so. That's when we owe it to ourselves to try something new.

This "Something New" can be something with H, or something just for you that has nothing to do with him.

Personally, if I were you, I'd consider asking H for something. I don't know what, but I bet you could come up with something reasonable, that he would likely comply with. This is how you build on the connections you have. When he steps up, it will give you the encouragement to continue on.

If he doesn't step up (highly unlikely in my mind) you regroup and come up with a new plan, always moving, never stagnating.

You are a strong woman to have made it this far, Bright. You can do this!


M: A really long time.
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She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Bea, you didn’t upset me. Your posts are very important to me. I think I just got frustrated that I cannot make my point across. I think the mail subject got out of control. I think my point is that because H has his mail sent to my house tell something about him not willing to cut that last tie. So, I will leave it at that, since obviously I cannot express all my feeling about that in the right way.

Toots, thanks for the kind words.

Originally Posted By: job
Bright,
I am actually hesitant to come here to post to you after your response to Bea's posting.
Job, this made me cry for a good 30 min. Even my dog left the room, because he could not handle that anymore. What is it that I said that was so horrible? I didn’t blame anyone, I just expressed my feelings. I will hold on to them next time, I will be nicer…

Yes, the mail is a reminder and also an indication that he cannot cut it yet either. And I actually posted a lot about the business and vacation home a lot too. The fact that my things are still at the vacation home, etc. Yes, the mail is simpler subject to resolve, I get it.

Job, I don’t talk about H with my friends and family anymore. I come here instead. And I don’t post all the positive things that happen to me either. I tend to post when I hurt. So, I don’t think that I agree that there is no moving forward in my sitch. But… I just think I’m just a bad poster. This is all it is.

Sorry everyone… I know that everybody frustrated/bored, etc. with my sitch… And I seem to not be able to make that final decision… Stupid me.., I’m hopeless, I admit it…

I don’t think I posted anything so bad to upset other people. I was just questioning my ability to convey my feelings and thoughts, and I think I suck at it…

FY, thank you so much. I always feel so much better after reading your posts. I just don’t think I can do what you suggest yet. I don’t feel H is open to anything like that. So, I just continue… On my own… I do realize that even people on this board are fed-up with my sitch.

And I appreciate all the responses. I’m sorry if I offended anybody. Sorry for the messed up post again.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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