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Link to the last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2562648&page=11 – “Can it be another round?”

New thread. I was driving from the vacation home tonight and this Pink Floyd song came up on my XM radio. I thought it kind of speaks for both H and me. After this weekend and some other info that I learnt, I’m wondering if I can make a final cut… Just let it be… give up… whatever…

The Final Cut (Waters)

Through the fish-eyed lens of tear stained eyes
I can barely define the shape of this moment in time
And far from flying high in clear blue skies
I'm spiraling down to the hole in the ground where I hide.

If you negotiate the minefield in the drive
And beat the dogs and cheat the cold electronic eyes
And if you make it past the shotgun in the hall,
Dial the combination, open the priesthole
And if I'm in I'll tell you what's behind the wall.

...

There's a kid who had a big hallucination
Making love to girls in magazines.
He wonders if you're sleeping with your new found faith.
Could anybody love him
Or is it just a crazy dream?

And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone?
Would you take the children away
And leave me alone?
And smile in reassurance
As you whisper down the phone?
Would you send me packing?
Or would you take me home?

Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings,
Thought I oughta tear the curtain down.
I held the blade in trembling hands
Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
I never had the nerve to make the final cut.

"Hello? Listen, I think I've got it. Okay, listen its a HaHa!"


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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I feel like either of us can’t make that final cut. Now, with these “news” about that ow, that H connected to, I wonder if the dynamics will change. She stayed at the condo a few weeks ago (he was not there.) But, now, I’m thinking he will invite her over to stay there when he is there. And that is when the hell will break loose, LOL.

So, H was in my city this past weekend, going to the race with his brother. I came home tonight, and his mail is still here… Meaning, he didn’t come to the house to collect it. He was in TOWN! I guess, he is busy with this new R, and doesn’t give a sh!t about the mail or anything else (like company audit.) I’m going to wait for him to ask about his mail before I make any effort to send it to him. These are two issues of Playboy already, LOL. Will see when he will remember about that, hehe.

Like I mentioned before, I feel like I’m bipolar… I’m good and don’t give a sh!t one time, then I’m sad and heartbroken again… Then I feel some compassion, thinking that hooking up with this woman is going to be good for H… Maybe he will stop drinking heavily… Then… I’m angry again, thinking that I will make very hard for H, in regards to the vacation home… I just don’t know what my feelings are going to be tomorrow… This s@cks... Why am I so stubborn? Why I just cannot let go?

Part of this is I love going to the vacation home so much, I cannot see how I can make that “final cut” and not deprive myself from having a good time over there.

Now, this woman who I think H recently hooked up with, knows the same people I know over there. My mutual friends know her. Why does it have to be this way? Why H cannot find himself a completely random woman, who has no connections to the vacation home? Why does he has to make it so difficult for everyone? I’m thinking my mutual friends are not going to be very thrilled about that.

I feel like the door to a possible reconciliation is closing very fast for me. I wish I just can make that “final cut” right now…


M:50
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Bright I wish there was something I could say. They are in lalaland for the foreseeable future with no clue about what they are doing or how it is affecting people they once cared deeply about.

It hurts, it really does. You will get there, but it is OK to feel bad. Mostly people who don't care much or are cut off from their feelings bounce back fast. They may act OK, but I suspect deep down they hurt.

If your long term partner betrays you and rejects you, how can you not to hurt? It is finding strategies to deal with that hurt and rejection that takes skill, and part of it is feeling the emotions and acknowledging them.

Be kind to yourself, you are moving through this - you don't see it but others do.

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Bright,
I'm so sorry you are hurting and it's okay to feel down and out. If you weren't hurt and expressing yourself, I would be worried about you. Let it out, do something physical to help you relieve the stress, anger and hurt. Don't bottle it up because it will only affect your health and your way of life.

Bea is right, your h, just like the others, is in La La Land and right now, it's all about making himself feel good. They don't have any clue as to what they are doing or their behavior affects others. Their empathy chip is broken and right now, you have to protect yourself.

As for his mail...it could have been that he didn't want to come there when you weren't home to pick it up. At least he's respecting your privacy by not doing so. Unless he has something important in the mail, I would bundle it up and send it on to him once a month.

Please try to be kind to yourself. Work through your anger and hurt and one day you will finally see the light of day, but it takes time and patience. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Okay?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Bright,

I'm sorry you have to feel this pain. In some ways, I think your situation has been harder than most because of his lack of action on any front. He has been quite the teenage load.

You have been living in-between for a long time. His inaction and reliance on you to handle some of the business details of his life has been very emotionally abusive, in my opinion.

Maybe this is your chance to reclaim some of YOU back from this situation he has thrust you in? What do you want separate from him?

Even in my darkest moments, when I realized I still had ME and I could freely go after what I wanted in this life... I always felt better.

What dreams do you have for you?

But, you don't have to DO anything today. And, you don't have to beat yourself up any longer for just being where you are. There is no shame in honoring your marriage commitment. You have graciously given this man the space and freedom to find himself.

Personally, at this stage, I'd take great satisfaction in burning those Playboys. Seriously, a harmless way to get past some of the anger. Take them to the back yard and set them aflame.

What helps me is staying in the moment. It's not a magic cure, but it helps. Breathe deeply and just focus on what's around you in this moment.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

Much Love,

Heather


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Bright,

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. I always enjoy reading your posts because you seem so authentic with your feelings. Be kind to yourself and remember that you are a great lady smile

Hang in there. You will be fine no matter what!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Hey Bright. The thing I was trying to get at, clumsily, is that you don't know. You have suspicions, dubious activity (on his part) and some nut that wants to be in your face.

It hurts, Bright. But it hurts more if you are analyzing things because right or wrong it hurts more. The problem is you may be wrong and hurting even more than you need to.

Been there, done that. Which is why I point out an alternative. Not that I'm right, but to point out that you can stop worrying about it and try to let that crazy slide by. Give yourself a break.

You be you. Let the rest take care of itself. That's a goal not an absolute. Something to work toward.


Be well, Bright!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hey Bright,

Don't beat yourself up over the roller coaster emotions. Just tighten your seat belt and hang on tight. When you are ready you will get off and just watch the ride go around and around. Or maybe even stop watching all together.

The vacation home you love, yeah that would be hard to give up, but unless you have to, really try to enjoy your time there with your friends and or make new friends at a new place if possible.

The mail, have you thought about getting it forwarded to H, requesting that he change his address for this mail so you don't have to deal with it? Or ignore it when it comes and put in away in a box that you don't have to see often and when and if your H requests the mail, then tell him he can come and get it, otherwise ignore that mail.

Keep the focus on you, GAL like crazy, Enjoy YOUR life.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Thank you, everyone. I feel better today. I was crazy busy at work and almost had no thoughts about H and what he’s been doing. Yay!
Originally Posted By: beatrice
It is finding strategies to deal with that hurt and rejection that takes skill, and part of it is feeling the emotions and acknowledging them.

Be kind to yourself, you are moving through this - you don't see it but others do.
Thank you, Bea for reminding me that I don’t have to be completely over it, that I still need some time to process. I’m glad to hear that you see that I’m moving through this. I need this affirmation, so it doesn’t feel like a ground hog day every day all over again…

Originally Posted By: job
Bea is right, your h, just like the others, is in La La Land and right now, it's all about making himself feel good.
Job, he is trying hard to make himself good, isn’t he… I’m actually waiting for him to ask for his mail to be sent… Otherwise, it could accumulate here for another month and longer... wink

Heather, thanks so much for a thoughtful post. I don’t how you find time to not just show up, but really make a point in your posts. I’m very grateful for that. Burning Playboys will probably not give me much satisfaction. I actually realized that I’m holding this Playboy mailings as a wild card, hehe. I think this will mess up with any OW’s head, except if she is the kind of this crazy woman, and even then…
Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle

I always enjoy reading your posts because you seem so authentic with your feelings. Be kind to yourself and remember that you are a great lady
GB, thanks for telling me this. Sometimes I think I don’t have a skill to write and express myself. It is still a challenge for me.

Originally Posted By: AJM
It hurts, Bright. But it hurts more if you are analyzing things because right or wrong it hurts more. The problem is you may be wrong and hurting even more than you need to.
AJM, you are right on this one. OMG, it is so true! I only have the suspicions. I don’t know for sure, but my imagination takes me places, ya know… This is my nature… I’ve always been like that… I need to stop that, I need to find the way to change it. I was actually pretty successful today. I was busy at work, but I also kept reminding myself that I don’t need to imagine things, because they might not true after all.

2BHappy, yes, I’m making new friends. But I also value the old friends, and this where it could be hard. Because they are H’s friends too. I think I came to piece with this and I don’t get upset when they do things for H.

So, back to the analysis paralysis, LOL. I just cannot help it… According to the credit card transactions, H drove to that state where this possible ow lives (6-7 hour drive), then came to my city (5-6 hour drive), did the race in the morning of July 4th, then drove to that state again on July 5th, stayed one night at the hotel, then drove back to the state where he works (6-7 hour drive again.) Of coarse he didn’t have time to pick up the mail here at my house, LOL. This sounds like freaky crazy to me…

Today I got a text from him enquiring about the check that he expected to arrive at PO box. I picked up the check before I left for the vacation home, but had no time to deposit it. H’s text came across like he was a bit annoyed. I never sent him an update about the check. This might be the reason for him being grumpy. He didn’t address me by my name, it was a just a dry, business-like text like he used to send 2 years ago. So, I replied with the same “attitude”, that I got the check, but didn’t time have to deposit it yet. He then sent another text (again without addressing me by name) asking me to let him know the amount and asked me to take a picture of that check and send it to him. It sounded like he was not in a good mood. So, I replied with “sure”. I sent the pic of the check a few hours later, when I had a quick lunch break at work. He replied with “thanks”.

So, I guess the boy is back into his grumpy moods. I wonder if that “special” night with this ow didn’t work out, hehe. Or… he is trying to prove (to himself first) that he is not friends with me and it is just strictly the business. It’s like a teenager trying to prove to his GF that he is not dependent on and has no emotional connection with his Mom, LOL.

Thanks again to everyone for your replies. You guys keep me in check.

Last edited by BrightFuture; 07/09/15 04:15 AM.

M:50
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Bright - First a comforting arm around your shoulder. I can so relate to the anxiety and over-analysis. I am learning to take a deep breath and focus on the facts which I do know. Try to live in this moment not the what-ifs or future what-ifs. I have been doing some work in mindfulness and meditating which has helped me alot.

True friends from the vacation home, will still be your friends regardless of who H is spending time with. If no one is treating you different at vacation home, please continue that part of your life because you love it!

You are a strong woman who has picked up and continued with life. Don't let his chaos distract your forward momentum.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

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