I shortly went too bed after I wrote the above. I was in a bad mood and should not have let my emotions get the better of me when we talked earlier. I should have just smiled and said it will be nice to have some time to hang out with friends.
Before I suspected the EA with the OM, I would not care if W hung with friends and never played 20 questions with her. It was good until I discovered messages with a OM she was seeing at her AA meetings. She has not been back to that group in over 6 weeks and from what I can tell has not seen in him in just that long.
On one hand she tells me she wants to leave and the very next sentence is telling my how she wants to be better a mom/wife. It starts to hurt my head when I try to analyze it. I usually try to take it one day at a time and I am sorry that I am rambling.
I have reached out to other people whose opinions I value and they don't think some time apart is a bad thing. The overall theme I received was that it made the M better.
Regarding just myself I think that I handled the last weekend well without needing or asking the W for assistance with the kids. I tried to make the best of bad weekend for the kids and did not get flustered or frustrated when the W got home. I did not get mad that my plans had changed and was only concerned that my S13 was feeling better.
I think the spot of not really knowing if something is going on & having them not commit 100% to working on the relationship makes things incredibly difficult. It is a mystery what is motivating the things they say. I feel for you- in a similar spot.
Starsky- I could use some advice from you re my situation if you have time. You seem to have a lot of expertise in the area of cheating.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Sad, you seem to be very passive-aggressive. You either supplicate your wife, giving her everything she wants and apologizing to her even when you've done nothing wrong, or you confront her with unproven allegations and get so angry that you're puking??
Whoa. You need to get a grip (have you talked to your dr. about getting on a good everyday anti-anxiety/anti-depressant? They were a huge help to me in my sitch, and will "even you out.")
DBing is all about plowing that MIDDLE ground, between angry accusations and doormat behavior. You are careening wildly from one extreme to another, and seem to be flying without a plan still. EXECUTING a plan is difficult enough, but to be this far along and not even HAVE one is troubling to me.
btw, do you have proof that your wife was with married female friends in Chicago? She is acting extremely wayward, and I suspect she's either with a OM or is actively pursuing one.
On one hand she tells me she wants to leave and the very next sentence is telling my how she wants to be better a mom/wife. It starts to hurt my head when I try to analyze it.
Have you read Sandi's threads for husbands of wayward wives? There is nothing in your wife's behavior that is at all confusing when you view it in the context of WAYWARDNESS ("wayward" meaning she's either with an OM, or is actively trying to pursue one, and has no interest in working on the marriage with you right now).
You'll drive yourself nuts if you want to make sense of it from YOUR perspective, or even from the perspective of what your wife USED to be like. But if you're the type that likes to analyze and understand things (I am!), then just read up on affairs and you'll see that your wife's behavior is very much "script."
YOU are "Plan B," in case OM1 or OM2 don't work out. THAT is why she's being nice to you, to keep you on the side as a fallback option, and also to relieve her own guilt.
There were pictures with her friends from Chicago. She showed me receipts (don't ask me why) from where they went and when I met her for lunch told me I could talk to the girls about the trip if I wanted to (they work with her). She goes to work at the same time she always does comes home at the same time and doesn't go out with the exception with her friends this last weekend. When she has a day off she wants me to spend more time with her and tells me how much fun we are having.
I should have clarified that I was puking from the workout - not from our fight with her. I have read Sandi's posts and if I understand them you are to detach from the spouse and it is solely up to them if they decide to end the A.
I have made it clear that I am not interested in ML or anything for that matter until there is complete transparency. When I detach she goes off on me and tells me she is not going to do this with me. I tell her that I am not interested in an open marriage or being a back up plan.
W has told me that she feels that she cannot talk to me so I have been trying to do more listening than talking. She has been talking to me the last few weeks more than we have in a while.
I guess I am trying to find that middle ground and have the patients to see this out. When we had previous problems I could identify them and work on them. The previous 180's I am still doing and they have made me a better dad/husband/person.
There were pictures with her friends from Chicago. She showed me receipts (don't ask me why) from where they went and when I met her for lunch told me I could talk to the girls about the trip if I wanted to (they work with her). She goes to work at the same time she always does comes home at the same time and doesn't go out with the exception with her friends this last weekend. When she has a day off she wants me to spend more time with her and tells me how much fun we are having.
I should have clarified that I was puking from the workout - not from our fight with her. I have read Sandi's posts and if I understand them you are to detach from the spouse and it is solely up to them if they decide to end the A.
I have made it clear that I am not interested in ML or anything for that matter until there is complete transparency. When I detach she goes off on me and tells me she is not going to do this with me. I tell her that I am not interested in an open marriage or being a back up plan.
W has told me that she feels that she cannot talk to me so I have been trying to do more listening than talking. She has been talking to me the last few weeks more than we have in a while.
I guess I am trying to find that middle ground and have the patients to see this out. When we had previous problems I could identify them and work on them. The previous 180's I am still doing and they have made me a better dad/husband/person. I continue to do these things, that is not the issue.
I am thinking that I should wait to talk until she reaches out to me and not be so accommodating. If she wants to talk to me I will continue to listen like I have been since she says this was an issue or do I stop this?
When I left for a few days she was genuinely happy when I came home and with the exception of yesterday the last few weeks have been drama free. Financially I cannot afford to move nor do I think I should. I have to accept and come to the realization that it is up to her and her alone to end the A. From what is posted here the spouse cannot change the W or her behavior.
DBing is all about plowing that MIDDLE ground, between angry accusations and doormat behavior. You are careening wildly from one extreme to another, and seem to be flying without a plan still. EXECUTING a plan is difficult enough, but to be this far along and not even HAVE one is troubling to me.
Starsky
This is tough... when your spouse is so up & down, it makes it very difficult to stay in the middle. I am fighting this battle of keeping my plan going with my H's ups & downs. And then you begin to feel like your plan should be modified with any change or when new info is discovered.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Your right with the ups and downs with the spouse. I am trying to stay in the middle and be level. It is hard though I had a very weird day and the W and were talking and relaxing, she asked about ML and I turned her down due to my stance. She then blew up saying that nothing is going on and she hates me etc. etc.
The next day she is asking what I want to do this weekend and our future plans with the house/vacation. Truly confusing and a hell of a ride.
Yep. Very. But you're 5 months in, post-bomb-drop. The "toughness" of it at this stage should be more in the execution of your plan, than in the adopting of the right mindset. THAT should have been set months ago (not to say you won't have bad DAYS keeping the right mindset -- you surely will -- but I don't even sense you're accepted yet where you are, and adopted the proper mindset for DBing.)
