So Starsky W asked me how do I feel and I told her that I have an issue with the continued secrecy and that I am unwilling to brush the A under the rug like she wants to. If it is no big deal you should let me see your other email account and give me access.
Told me she was too busy and doesn't want an A - told her it doesn't take much time to text back and forth. Not surprising the conversation did not last too long. Told her that I am unwilling to live like BFF forever.
I just don't get it, I stop paying attention or not taking calls and she goes ballistic - I am detaching. You would think she would be relieved if I did not call her or shower her with attention.
This weekend to myself I would like to just turn off the phone and not look at it again until Monday. Honestly I will likely be in an area of the state with little cell coverage so this is the closes thing to not having a phone.
I just don't get it, I stop paying attention or not taking calls and she goes ballistic - I am detaching. You would think she would be relieved if I did not call her or shower her with attention.
It's pretty typical for a wayward wife to want to keep her husband as her "Plan B" in case things don't work out with her OM1. Sometimes she'll turn to an OM2 and sometimes she'll begrudgingly come back to the marriage, but most women especially like to have some options.
S13 was upset when I got home after work. Doesn't like mom and dad having a weekend alone without the kids. I asked my W to send him a pic and I would do the same to calm his nerves. D9 and dog both decided to puke tonight before bed.
I need to stay detached from W. When I does this she always insists that she will not do this with me and that she could find a place to stay. Should I call her bluff on this? For example early today
She has stated this morning I don't do the things I used to do like making coffee doing all the wash etc. I told her that this changed when I learned about the OM and that I am a one man one woman guy. That I intend not to be a door mat to anyone.
She told me she was getting tired of the accusations and I told her I have been tired of the secrecy. Not a real good morning or night.
She told me she was getting tired of the accusations and I told her I have been tired of the secrecy. Not a real good morning or night.
"(Wife), when you aren't honest and transparent with me, I can only assume you are either still in contact with another man or that you want to be able to be. That doesn't work for me, and I can't be much clearer than that, so I guess it's up to you what you want to do about it. I'm going to live my life."
She told me she was getting tired of the accusations and I told her I have been tired of the secrecy. Not a real good morning or night.
"(Wife), when you aren't honest and transparent with me, I can only assume you are either still in contact with another man or that you want to be able to be. That doesn't work for me, and I can't be much clearer than that, so I guess it's up to you what you want to do about it. I'm going to live my life."
This is good... going to have to remember that if my H ever comes around to caring what I do.
After I found out about the affair my H was having, he wouldn't give up his devices or accounts for me to view. I didn't ask but he didn't offer. Then 2 weeks later I discover that he is still carrying on the affair. At that point, I think he got nervous I would leave & he ended it and gave me access to everything. He then also offered to go to counseling. However, after our most recent damaging event, he has taken it all back & does a lot of concealing what he is typing on his phone. So I wonder what is going on with him.
So I can understand how it is hard to not think that something is going on when they are not completely open. I am stuck in the very same spot.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
When they do that, you should call them out on it, saying plainly that YOU will be taking their secrecy and lack of transparency as an indication that they are still in contact, or want to be able to be if they desire, and you will be proceeding with your own decision-making accordingly.
When they do that, you should call them out on it, saying plainly that YOU will be taking their secrecy and lack of transparency as an indication that they are still in contact, or want to be able to be if they desire, and you will be proceeding with your own decision-making accordingly.
Starsky
Makes total sense. But figuring out what that decision-making part is... very difficult.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
When they do that, you should call them out on it, saying plainly that YOU will be taking their secrecy and lack of transparency as an indication that they are still in contact, or want to be able to be if they desire, and you will be proceeding with your own decision-making accordingly.
Starsky
Makes total sense. But figuring out what that decision-making part is... very difficult.
Very true. But just like in geopolitics, it's often more important for your adversary to know that "all options are on the table," than it is for you yourself to really have to know exactly WHICH option you're going to take, or how or when. Us humans really are path-of-least-resistance creatures (especially us men!); when we know that you're not going anywhere, and aren't going to require of us any painful change, we tend to continue on our same path -- even when it's a destructive one.
In all my years here, I've never seen a single successful affair-bust or divorce-bust where the wayward spouse didn't first feel a credible fear of losing the betrayed spouse.
Very true. But just like in geopolitics, it's often more important for your adversary to know that "all options are on the table," than it is for you yourself to really have to know exactly WHICH option you're going to take, or how or when. Us humans really are path-of-least-resistance creatures (especially us men!); when we know that you're not going anywhere, and aren't going to require of us any painful change, we tend to continue on our same path -- even when it's a destructive one.
In all my years here, I've never seen a single successful affair-bust or divorce-bust where the wayward spouse didn't first feel a credible fear of losing the betrayed spouse.
Starsky
Ah.... very wise words. Definitely going to be thinking this over seriously. I am not surprised to hear that about a wayward spouse needing to feel that fear. I know my spouse does not have this fear right now... I have exercised extreme patience in waiting for him to come around & get over his anger. He is in no rush to make any kind of changes to what he is currently doing. I am tiring of this dynamic.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
HopeOK I do feel for you and again Starsky much good advice. This last weekend W was going to Chicago with married girlfriends the kids were to be with grandma and I was going fishing with friends.
Well D9 got sick on Wednesday and S13 got sick on Friday morning. If I skipped my trip we would be out the cost of bait. If she missed her trip we would be out the hotel room. Since it was W's birthday on Saturday I cancelled my trip.
I don't think that my S13 made it to the toilet once. As you may imagine it was not a real good weekend. I did not call my W but did talk to her when my S13 called her and I wished her a Happy Birthday.
W came home on Sunday at noon at said that she missed all of us and gave me a hug a kiss. We then took my D9 to a movie and then had SIL for a cookout and birthday cake for W. It was a nice night.
W knew that I had some business by her hospital and asked if I would bring her lunch. Since we were getting along I agreed and it was nice the first time we had been on a date in over a year. W then came home and we the went to work out. She told me that she was looking forward to hanging out with her friends in another 4-5 weeks.
I then mumbled that I would be looking forward to that if I did not have to deal with sick kids. W then said I was smothering her and I responded that it must be hard to keep all the guys she is with straight. When we got home WWIII started.
We told me that if my S13 was not autistic she would have been gone a long time ago and that I know how she feels about our R and me. Tonight's workout was intense so the fight was interrupted by me puking.
Told her that I was not mad about the weekend away but I was beat this weekend and I really did not want to hear about future plans. Shen the stated the following:
1. For 14 years we have been putting the kids first and they are getting older and do not need us to exclusively watching them and that it is good for them to be with our families;
2. That it has been bottling up in her that she does not get a break and that she is more than a wife/mom;
3. That is good for both of us to get away to do things without each other and the kids and that I should not be looking at this like it is a punishment;
4. That it makes her a better mom/wife to get some alone time;
5. That she is not used to me spending time with her like I have been.
W then said that this is not a punishment and that it helped her relax and she has been much more relaxed.
She then told me that I she has not and has no intentions of having an affair. I the stated that since she was taking a part time job she could have time to have an A. She then reponded need that her first priority was to be home for the kids and be the mom that she has been wanting to be for months now.
I then validated what she said and told her that her wanting time to herself was understandable but it kind of caught me off guard.
As you can see there are ton of mixed messages in this. With the exception of tonight this was the first fight we had in over a month. Topics that in the past would have started a fight (money) our now being discussed with us even raising our voices.
