The first thing everyone tells me when they hear the story is there is another man. The moving out in the middle of the night and no contact for weeks. I have no proof of the affair outside her actions that night and emotional distance. I feel like she may indicate something today.
Georgia, it is funny you brought up the lesbian affair. Whenever I would accuse her of other men, she answered this on more then one occasion. "I would be with a woman. Men are too much trouble." Then she would laugh and say she was joking. After she left, believe me, it crossed my mind. Still, a very real possibility.
On the man side of things, she works in a plastic surgeons office. All of the males inside the office are plastic surgeons. There was one married one in particular that I had been particularly worried about. She would bring him up in conversation often about work and talk about him. He is married with several kids.
That being said, there all kinds of possibilities. Part of me, just wants to tell her I am packing up and moving away to start a new life. Just something to shock the hell out of her. I know she doesn't love me anymore, but she loves our dogs. She would want to continue a friendship based solely on that. And I don't care if she does!
The sole purpose of me calling this meeting is to discuss financial obligations. All of which she has skirted since she left. Plus, I wanted to use the opportunity to show off what changes I had made. Lost weight, exercising every day, got a life, took excellent care of the yard and house. I will not bring them up but I want her to see them.
Right now, in my mind, I sit at 50/50. Half of me wants her back desperately and half of me wants to move on. I can't tell you how those feelings will change if she drops the affair on me. You are correct, she is not healthy in relationships.
Thanks again! I will update you tonight.
Last edited by shnswms; 07/06/1504:57 PM.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
Don't ASK her about whether she's having an affair.
She won't fess up to it. She can't.
If possible, get the evidence yourself. Maybe find a way to put a GPS tracker on her car or the suspected OM's car. Find and reveal the truth and see what happens from there.
It's really impossible to fix/save a marriage when all the cards aren't on the table.
If OM is a plastic surgeon, if you bust him and tell his wife the truth about her life he will likely fire your wife immediately (his wife will make him). Sure your wife might have a sexual harassment lawsuit or whatever, these Doctors don't care. They'll just pay the attorneys and the settlements to make these problems go away. Your wife MIGHT snap out of it at that point and you get a chance to fix things or not. As a bonus, OM"s wife gets to figure out her life and marriage too.
Don't ask her. Let her think she's got you fooled and you aren't suspicious anymore at all. Last thing you want is her and OM being careful.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Well...that went surprisingly well. We got along really well. You could cut the tension with a knife when she first got there. Hardly any talking, just loving on the dogs. We took all three dogs to the park. She just kind of bullshitted the whole time. Talking about work, friends, and what she had been doing. We talked about splitting up the cell phone. I gave her $100 bucks for my half of the car insurance and cell phone. She was going to put the trash pickup in my name.
She only brought up the elephant in the room a few times. She talked about who had helped her move out of the house. She talked about where the stuff was stashed. I asked for a kitchen table back and even told her I would pay for it. She whined and talked about how much she loved the table. She said we could talk about whatever else she took. We made plans to get together once a week and do something similar. She allowed the male dog to spend the night with me for a few nights. There was a lot of laughing and smiling. I can't remember getting along that well in a long time.
I brought up one of her friends helping me find a deal on a mattress. Jealousy flared big time then. She made a lot of insults about that friend and her husband. She stayed for about 2 1/2 hours.
At the end, she asked if she could give me a hug. I fell for it of course. She proceeded to tell me how sorry she was she didn't tell me when she left. She said she would be by to get the dog on Thursday or Friday. I countered that I had plans with friends on Friday. Then again, the game picked up, she said "oh yeah, I think I have plans too...Thursday would be best".
All in all, probably the best first meeting I could have hoped for. The relationship or future were not brought up. I didn't expect it to this early. It gave me some hope. We'll see how long this sustains. I will detach until Thursday when she comes to get him.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
I think I had a breakthrough. She texted me first thing when she got up this morning. It was logistics but I feel like she used it as an excuse to talk to me.
She texted, "Why don't you keep the 4 post bed and buy mattresses? Then you won't need to buy a bed too?" I haven't responded yet. I will respond later today, "I thought about that...thanks." Leave her wanting more!
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
I think I had a breakthrough. She texted me first thing when she got up this morning. It was logistics but I feel like she used it as an excuse to talk to me.
She texted, "Why don't you keep the 4 post bed and buy mattresses? Then you won't need to buy a bed too?" I haven't responded yet. I will respond later today, "I thought about that...thanks." Leave her wanting more!
Exactly which part causes you to feel this was a breakthrough? Was it b/c you think she looked for an excuse to contact you, or b/c she was being "nice"? Why would responding with a simple "yes" leave her wanting more?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Agree with Sandi. Not really a breakthrough. I think the whole move out in the middle of the night thing scared you that she was never going to see or speak to you again and now you're understandably relieved that's not the case. That's not why she did it. She PROBABLY moved out in the middle of the night because she felt guilty and ashamed. She is/was conflicted about it and didn't want an argument or a fight (she may have even told Doctor OM that she's scared of you for some reason to make him feel good for saving her). You haven't proved she's actually having an affair yet but if she is....she's relieved that now she can conduct her affair in private without as much chance of getting caught AND keep you on the hook too while she endlessly figures out what she wants to do.
She's in cake-eating mode and simply elated that you are taking it so well and leaving that door open for her while she has the space to pursue her affair relationship too without the risk of getting caught.
If she's not having an affair, having sex with you in the AM then moving out in the middle of the night and then, a couple days later, spending the day with you all happy and huggy doesn't make sense to me.
Keep being nice and unsuspecting seeming while you independently try to figure out what is REALLY going on and who she is protecting.
Another thought...IF, as I suspect, OM is married probably with kids, and they are having an affair, your wife is in full pursuit of landing her a plastic surgeon. First step is to tell him how awful you are and that she's going to leave you. She sets up this story about moving out in the middle of the night in order to generate sympathy and concern from OM. But then she turns around and in typically other woman fashion lays her hooks into OM saying, "I've moved out, separated from my husband and now it's your turn to file for divorce and end YOUR marriage, so we can be together". OM likely has no intention of doing this, but he will drag along and string out the affair relationship until push comes to shove. Then he will dump your wife, your wife will go nuts on him and his family and then, wake up alone someday and realize what a fool she's been. In the back of your wife's mind today, she KNOWS that OM is not to be trusted but she's HOPING she can snag him. Plastic Surgeon doctors are the top of the hierarchy. Money, power, free plastic surgery for life and ego's the size of Texas. She's gambling it all on landing him. Even you...her faithful and adequate husband.
Bust them. Tell OM's wife and OM will end it immediately. She will wake up and realize that she's losing or lost the true prize of her life...her true "soulmate"...YOU. At that point you can rebuild your marriage or not. But it's a better solution to waiting around in fear of conflict for a year or more while she figures out Plastic Surgeon wants nothing more from her than sex and a good time. You don't have kids, time is of the essence. Turn your fears into faith.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I probably did overstate it as a "breakthrough". It is nice to have a line of communication open but I have gone dark again. She is coming over Thursday to pick up the dog and we are supposed to have dinner. I also feel like she is going to try to keep me on the hook as a backup. I need to start doing some investigative work as you suggest GB.
On the other side, I have six women almost beating down my door to take me out on dates. They are friends or mutual friends. I'm not ready for that yet. They text me constantly. But then I think...why am I letting her live the single life, while I sit here stupidly. Also, I know if I go that route I will ruin any chance of reconciling with her.
I went out today and bought myself a new tv, recliner, and mattress/box spring to replace what she took. That made me very happy. Plus it will have the added effect of her thinking I am moving on.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
On the other side, I have six women almost beating down my door to take me out on dates. They are friends or mutual friends. I'm not ready for that yet. They text me constantly. But then I think...why am I letting her live the single life, while I sit here stupidly. Also, I know if I go that route I will ruin any chance of reconciling with her.
You are not sitting there stupidly. You value your vows and commitment to your marriage and are trying to make your best attempt to save it. It would only be medicating given your state and not make you feel happy in the long run.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
On the other side, I have six women almost beating down my door to take me out on dates. They are friends or mutual friends. I'm not ready for that yet. They text me constantly. But then I think...why am I letting her live the single life, while I sit here stupidly. Also, I know if I go that route I will ruin any chance of reconciling with her.
Three weeks after your wife walks out in the middle of the night you have six women who think it's appropriate to date you?
You may want to take a really honest inventory of your M and how you were living in it if you're speaking the truth about this.
Have you told each of them that you are still married, and are working your butt off to become the man only a fool would leave, so please don't text you again?
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
