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I don't know if it was going back to work, my snarky boss and the family, but I was in a bad mood tonight when I got home. W would not let up and kept asking me what was wrong.

I guess I was thinking about the secrecy and related crap going on with the W and let the bad emotions get the better of me. I decided that it would be good to go for a walk alone to try and clear my head out - no phone or other distractions.

Then I came to this thought - I can let my W's behavior and actions make me miserable or I can choose to stay focused on me and what I can control. I can waste my time thinking about the EA and OM or focus on positive things in my life like my children, health and the fact that I am blessed to have a job that supports my family.

I feel dirty playing house with the W and probably will until we have transparency - no matter how I want to convince myself otherwise I guess that is the thing that is bugging me the most. I will never understand how she doesn't get that I don't want to ML to her. I wish I could write with big letters on the wall or my forehead that her lies or half-truths have turned me off to her. Sorry I started to vent a little bit. Hope your nice is great and that you all have a blessed day.


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Sad,

There's a huge gulf of grey area in between the black of "obsessing over her affair and OM" and the white of "totally ignoring it and looking the other way."

And it's in that grey area where the best DBing is done.

No, you don't ignore it -- you confront it straight on, let her know what your boundaries are (100% no-contact and full transparency, perhaps MCing) and then you live your life and work on yourself. But you don't alter those hard boundaries. And when she asks you why you don't want to ML (or why you're upset, or anything else like that) you can just say what feels authentic to you at that moment, like "(Wife), you know my boundaries. As long as you're either still in contact with OM or choose to continue to have the ability to, and not be fully transparent with me, then you are not in this marriage and I cannot be either." When you're ready to fully commit and be transparent with me, I think you'll find me ready and willing to work on all issues, including my own contributions to our marital dysfunction, because I really DO want to have a great marriage with someone going forward."


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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You might want to start a new thread before this one is locked.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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