So... for those of you interested in the continuing saga here...
My W has been cold and distant for a good week, and was moving in that direction for weeks prior. No physical affection, short and curt responses, the abandonment of our terms of endearment like "hon" and "babe." Last evening things got a bit heated again, but I could see all day she was feeling guilty, coming just a bit to terms with how poorly she's been treating me, particularly with regard to our separation and upcoming individual living arrangements. She left to go the gym but was planning to come home and sleep here last night, but she never did, so I figured she was angry and only getting angrier with me.
My mom and I chatted on Skype last night, and she said she found herself praying that God would remove the OW from my W's life. She also forwarded an email to me that my W had sent her over a year ago, where she spoke of a song from the musical Les Miserables where the bishop says he has "bought" Jean Valjean's "soul for God," and how she wanted to come home, be baptized, and find God's purpose for her life. I was reminded that THIS is the woman I love, and there is no doubt she's still in there somewhere.
Went to Mass this morning as I've been doing every morning, and prayed the current novena for her, as well as some other very intentional, even insistent prayers. I started to leave, but felt moved to go back one more time and pray one particular prayer - I said, "God, please let me see some sign today that you are answering these prayers, that her heart is softening, that she's feeling conflicted about what she's doing, that she might come back to you, and, if it's your will, maybe even me."
I came back to the house, feeling also as if I wanted to apologize to her for any harsh words spoken yesterday. She wasn't home, which wasn't a surprise... but she came back not long after. Right away, she thanked me for putting out the trash, and I asked why she was thanking me for doing a household chore that needed to be done. She smiled, came over to me, and gave me the warmest hug I've gotten in a long time. I leaned into it, kissed her cheek, and apologized for any hurtful things I'd said yesterday. She dismissed it, ruffled my hair and squeezed my bicep. "Wow, I feel a strong muscle there!"
Suddenly, "hon" and "babe" seems to have returned to her vocabulary with every sentence she speaks. She started some laundry, asked if I had any to do, and gathered it for me. Then she asked if I'd make her a green smoothie... "I miss your smoothies," she said. And of course I obliged. She also needed to order some new realtor yard signs, and since that used to be my job description and she didn't quite know how to access the site to do it, I went up to the office and quickly took care of it... reminding her, I'm sure, of how much more efficient her business was when I was part of it.
Now... I am not reading too much into all this. I'm just saying I had a very specific prayer intention this morning for some kind of small sign... and I think I got it. I know I planted some seeds yesterday, and it's also possible that they've started to grow, just a little bit. I need to use this fresh start to refrain from any more arguments, to remain kind to her, and do all of this with no expectations whatsoever. Because it's not like the OW is going away tomorrow, and it's not like they don't still have all kinds of plans. That whole thing still probably has a good long course to run.
But I just need to be the lighthouse, and keep shining...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Dif ... great post and it warms my heart to read it.
Keep at it, and yeah .. days like that ^^^^ sometimes give us some fuel to keep on our path and continue to do what we are in control of, just remember .. not to high .. not to low, you are the lighthouse and the rock ... you are the strong one, you are the prize.
You planted some serious Jack and the Beanstalk type beans the past few days ... suddenly your W might be really thinking .. "what am I doing" ... this needs time .. time to become "What have I done" and she will need to ask you what she can do, willing to do anything to make the M work .... till then continue to DB your muscular tucus off as you have been, you are doing well.
Finally had that "nefarious" lunch with my mom and the mortgage lender that we felt was set up by a prompting of the Holy Spirit. W and I drove over together, and things were really quite pleasant - some talk of what furniture I want to keep, what she wants as we move to separate spaces, that sort of thing. Actually may have even figured out a way for me to stay here a bit longer and just move into one of our rentals while I secure land and build... which if that's the case, takes not only a huge load off my mind, but doesn't completely sever ties between us, which is what I know the OW wants.
Anyway, at lunch, my W was on the phone and texting as usual in the beginning, till our mortgage lender friend told her to put it down! There was a fair amount of talk about real estate and business, but it seemed at just the right time, the mortgage lender told her own story of being baptized and spiritually attacked not long after - particularly about a period of sexual promiscuity that she "just knew was wrong. I eventually woke up and came out of it, but till then, I had just thrown all God's graces away."
I was sitting next to my W, but my mom paid attention to her reactions. She said she was attentive, and listening. Have no idea if any of what was said will stick with her, but she heard it in a way that wasn't judgmental or accusatory or even directed at her, and she can't unhear it. So, we just keep praying, and DBing, and we'll see where things go... still a very long road ahead, either way.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Seeds .. seeds and more seeds ..... now just as a farmer would do, you have planted, watered ... stand back and let nature do its own thing. Let these things take root ... you can not mess with them right?... If you do it will kill the plants. Give them space and Sun (PMA)
I do think there is something to truly giving it all to God for a bit ... be at peace with that, even more importantly become quiet so you can hear His directions and see His signs.
Cali, I've been attending daily Mass and praying quite faithfully. I hate that it took something like this to get me to become more devoted to my faith, but isn't that often the way?
I have no doubt my own faith is being strengthened by all this. Surrender is the word one woman used at the Divorce Support group last week. I know I really need to practice that, and give her to Him. You are an inspiration in this regard, and in sticking things out for the long haul. Thanks for all the support you offer.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I know my W and the OW went to some regular Tuesday creativity class or something tonight. (Which cracks me up, because this was clearly the OW's idea, something my W in any mind other than "affair brain fog mind" would NEVER sign up for.) I just got back from my divorce support group, and because we had a day that wasn't completely cold or acrimonious, one that even had some kindness and warmth, I kind of want her to come home. Not that she'd spend meaningful time with me. Not that she'd be anywhere other than upstairs in the spare bedroom. But... I would like for her to sleep here tonight, instead of there.
Knowing her, she probably wants to. Knowing the OW, she is probably pressuring her to stay there. Knowing the situation, all of this still has a very long way to go before any hint of reconciliation is possible.
None of this is my business, or my concern. Detachment, no expectations, things are what they are. Give her to God. Let the planted seeds take root, and give them time. I'm learning. Every day, I'm learning.
PS And just now... very odd. She called me to say, "I'm just calling because I haven't been home much lately, and I wanted to see if you needed anything." I said, "no, I'm okay." She said, in a quiet sort of voice with a television on in the background, "Okay well, I'm not coming home again tonight, so you can bolt the front door." "Okay." "Okay well, I'll see you tomorrow." "Okay. Goodnight." All of this in sort of a whisper...
She has never called to tell me she's not coming home. In fact, if she has to communicate anything these days, she typically texts. Although I'm trying to DETACH, I can't help but wonder what that was all about...
Last edited by DifRent; 07/08/1501:55 AM.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
This morning, I saw the floor plan for my W's "hood" apartment, with notes about furniture she wants to bring there. She's pretty much told me everything she wants to keep already, but I couldn't help noticing that she plans to give our dining room table to the OW, when she moves into her new place this month. The table at which the OW sat and had dinner with my family three months ago... a dinner to which she invited herself the same day we returned from a long road trip, a dinner I made for her... while she plotted how to destroy us. This is something that really bothers me, and I'm taking to prayer at church this morning...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I'm home, she's home... and she's started packing. She came down to tell me what a bear it's going to be packing and moving. I really couldn't respond other than to nod.
I've also learned she's looking to trade in her car for a newer, more sporty model. None of this feels good. She's plowing into her new life with her new partner, and all the GALing and detaching in the world can't stop it - not that it's supposed to. All I can do is pray and let her go.
Pit in my stomach today...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Been there ... done that. You can only control what you do, and how you react to these things. Like I said .. those seeds were planted .. freshly planted.
Right now she is high on the A drug, and very well high on the "New Chapter" drug ... a M can not compete short term with this rush, just can't. However all she is building on has an extremely weak foundation, you know this.
The sporty sports model? Well ... again, her choice and her decision right... not your circus not your monkey.
I feel ya though, I really do, remember you have to let God work a bit, trust what he has in store for you.
