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Hi Hopeful - interesting you mention 'empty inside, like a black hole' - have you read much about MLC at all? My H said something similar - that he had a void right in the centre of his heart....to me these kinds of comments can indicate potential MLC and your H would be a prime age for it...

In terms of why would I want him back? For me, my H was a great partner for most of our R/M. I don't believe he is inherently bad at all, but he has taken a path that I can't live with just now. Will that change in time? I don't know.

Could I forgive infidelity? I hope that I can be as forgiving as many or most. And many people do forgive infidelity and heal together. Do I want to bail on our M because the going got tough? No. Do I think we could make it work again? I just don't know.

But there is no need to make decisions like this right now. If you are able to shift the focus onto yourself and move forward enough, become detached enough - none of what you are posting really matters until or unless he is interested in reconciling....

So, are you making some nice plans for yourself?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2585317 07/06/15 09:17 PM
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Toots,

I thought a MLC today. But my H is very depressed and lifeless. He goes to work then back home and spends the rest of the evening watching TV. He go over his brother's occasionally. I don't think he is seeing anyone. But I will research it and maybe I should mentioned this our marriage counselor. But I think he is too depressed to think about anything right now.

Thank you for answering my questions. That was a big help.

I almost made all day without crying until I got home. I received in the mail his anniversary present from me and I started crying. Our anniversary is August 8th. I am trying not to think about that.

I think I might plan a spa day this weekend. I need and deserve it.


H: 49
W: 47
D: 6
M: 6 1/2 yrs
H: Bomb #1 6-2010
H: Bomb #2 7-2011
H: Separated: 7-11-11
Reconciling 2-2012
Separated: 1-31-15 (I asked him to move out)
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 477
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I am not doing well at. I go to bed crying, I wake up in the middle of the night crying and I wake up in the morning crying. I can't seem to stop. I feel like I am right back at the beginning. I need a compass to get out of this mess.

I don't think he is going through a MLC because he has let himself go, for example he has gained a lot weight instead of getting in shape. He hasn't changed his appearance. He simply looks lost and confused as do I.

Can someone explain this to me? My H told me the other day that he did not want a divorce, however he needs to talk to the therapist because he was on the fence rather or not leave or stay in the marriage. I am confused. Because if you don't want a divorce then lets start working on this.

And this no contact is so hard but I have resisted because I don't want to push him away.

This GAL thing, I am trying but it so hard. i started to make a quilt for my oldest D thinking that would help me but it hasn't. I haven't worked on that in a few days. I have no motivation or drive.

I have an appointment today with our therapist and boy do I have some words for her.


H: 49
W: 47
D: 6
M: 6 1/2 yrs
H: Bomb #1 6-2010
H: Bomb #2 7-2011
H: Separated: 7-11-11
Reconciling 2-2012
Separated: 1-31-15 (I asked him to move out)
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 701
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Hopeful,

I just read through your thread. Sorry you are here and are having such a hard time. I know how hurtful it is to have your H ignore you as I am dealing with it now.

I noticed that it does not sound like you are really working on yourself right now and most of your posts are about your H. What goals have you set for yourself over the next couple of months? Do you have friends that you can do things with? What activities can you do outside of the house? Do you exercise at all? What behaviors do you have that you need to work on to improve yourself (we all of issues)? Others have asked you this, but you have ignored or gotten defensive. IMHO these are the things you should be focusing on now, not your H. All of these things have really helped with my PMA and with my H ignoring me. You need to work on getting a life outside of your H. Make him realize what he is missing. Work on becoming a wife only a fool would leave. You can't do that if you are always focusing on him.

You can do this!!


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
V2pt0 #2585547 07/07/15 01:58 PM
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BW05,

You are absolutely right, I have not been working or focusing on myself. I am focused too much on my H.

The issues that my H has with me is the fact that I don't trust him my snooping and try not to be so emotional. Which I am a very emotional person. I don't have a lot friends and the ones that I do have are too busy to go out with me. As far as exercising, I haven't exercised since January, when we separated. I was thinking about joining the gym again. I am sure that will help me a lot.

I do go out once in a while by myself, but I can't seem to enjoy myself so end up back at home.

I want to try paddle boarding so I am going to do that soon. I am excited and scared about that.


H: 49
W: 47
D: 6
M: 6 1/2 yrs
H: Bomb #1 6-2010
H: Bomb #2 7-2011
H: Separated: 7-11-11
Reconciling 2-2012
Separated: 1-31-15 (I asked him to move out)
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 701
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Hopeful,

I know this is all really hard. If you are focusing on your H too much, he thinks you are always going to be there for him and will not realize he can loose you. You have threatened to D, but did not flowed through. I am not saying to follow through with D, but I don't think he is taking you serious. You can do this my focusing on you, GAL, LRT, etc. It does not have to be via D. Plus, if you do decide to D, you need to have worked on yourself so that you are mentally healthy to move on. You also don't want to bring same issues to next R. Regardless of the outcome, you win!!

Exercising has helped me mentally and physically. Even if you start by going for walks a couple of times a day. I do this if I start to get sad or think of H too much.

Do you have Meetup groups in your area or are you in a more rural location? They can be a great way to meet new people.

Regarding snooping, I know this is hard and I have to fight the urge. Did this start back during the first As? Have you stopped this? My DB coach put it a good way. If you snoop and find stuff it will drive you crazy since with DB you are not to focus or discuss A. You will have this new information that will cause you to discuss A which is not helpful or you will have to hold it in which is painful. Your H is going to do what he wants, so it is wasted energy.


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
V2pt0 #2585581 07/07/15 03:02 PM
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BW05,

I never thought about him not taking me serious. Something makes sense now to me. About after two months we separated he said he was ready to move, which took me by surprise. He said that he had learned his lesson. But I didn't see any changes in him at that time. So replied back with I am not ready yet. I want to IC for my trust issues so when you do come back, we can start off on the right foot. According to his brother, he was pi$$ed and surprised that I did not take him back. Then after that, things started to go down hill slowly.

I think I will join the gym again, that way I am doing something for myself such getting in better shape and being around people.

Yes we have meetup groups but I am very shy person and I would be scared to do this by myself.

I trusted my H at the beginning of our marriage and then two weeks after got back from honeymoon I accidentally discovered emails to his ex-gf and I confronted him with this. He said he would not do it again but then months later I discovered they were still in contact. But I did not snoop after that. Then one evening I had his cell phone teasing him with it and got very angry with me, so the next I decided to pull up our cell phone bills and discovered he was texting a coworker 100 times a for three months. He left after that for a month. And that's when he broke my trust completely. Then he had PA with another coworker and destroyed our trust and everything else that was left. We then separated for seven months and he moved back home and things were good at first then I discovered she started working in his building which then I became paranoid and starting to snoop again. And you are right, this is wasted energy.

I can't control him but I control me.

thank you so much.


H: 49
W: 47
D: 6
M: 6 1/2 yrs
H: Bomb #1 6-2010
H: Bomb #2 7-2011
H: Separated: 7-11-11
Reconciling 2-2012
Separated: 1-31-15 (I asked him to move out)
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 701
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I should have prefaced my post with the fact that I am no vet, but sharing what others have shared with me. It is also much easier to see others situations clearer than your own. I have had a hard time with all of this as well.

It certainly seems that your H has given you plenty of reasons to snoop and sounds like a serial cheater. I am not sure how that changes things. Maybe a vet can chime in.

I Encourage you try pushing yourself with going to a Meetup group or something similar. I can be a shy person as well, so I understand. It would be a good 180 for you. Maybe start with an all women's group. Just commit to just showing up and staying 5-10 minutes and introduce yourself to at least one person. If you are uncomfortable, you can always leave.

Glad you are going to join the gym!! Great start.


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
V2pt0 #2586719 07/10/15 11:49 AM
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This week was a little better. I had contact with my H once this week and that was thru email regarding our D.

I joined a gym. Start working out in the morning. Hopefully that will help to relieve some stress.

I really don't have plans for this weekend except going to the movies with a girlfriend to go see Magic Mike 2. I know I will enjoy myself even if its for a couple of hours.

I keep praying for God to help heal our hearts and our marriage.

I had my therapist and my friends ask my why I loved my H and I honestly couldn't answer that with the exception of our D. But last night when I was thinking about it, all these reasons came rushing to me, so I immediately typed them up for me and my therapist. And while I was doing it, I felt like I was falling in love with him again. And the things that I listed, I miss so much. Maybe one day I will experience those things again.


H: 49
W: 47
D: 6
M: 6 1/2 yrs
H: Bomb #1 6-2010
H: Bomb #2 7-2011
H: Separated: 7-11-11
Reconciling 2-2012
Separated: 1-31-15 (I asked him to move out)
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